Report: Alex Rodriguez Gave The Dugout Material in 2003

Hi, everybody! I've been sleeping all day and just woke up moments ago. What's been happening in the world of sports? Heh, did the Orioles bolster their bullpen? Let me jump over and find out what's going o-

Oh. OH.

And here I was prepared to do another strip about the Pirates. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Move along, nothing to see here.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the 2003 Texas Rangers Chatroom!
	LudwickVanBeethoven: I think I've finally figured out how to make us contenders.
	TeixMeix: expound
	LudwickVanBeethoven: Okay, if you look at our lineup, our homerun totals look like this: 14, 29, 34, 48, 29, 40, 55, 78, 63 and we're only 22 games into the season
	TeixMeix: right, and
	LudwickVanBeethoven: And, with run production like that we should be winning more games. We've only won 1 of the first 22, and that was because the Mariners ran out of balls
	LudwickVanBeethoven: What's keeping us from winning more games?
	raffi: Pitching.
	LudwickVanBeethoven: Exactly. You can't win if your pitching staff gives up 20 runs a game.
	TeixMeix: well, with a pitching staff of Jaoquin Benoit and Ugueth Urbina, you're bound to get murdered
	LudwickVanBeethoven: On the flip side, look at Oakland. They've got quality pitchers falling out of their ass.
	LudwickVanBeethoven: And do they want them? No! They can't give those guys away fast enough!
	LudwickVanBeethoven: They're going to win 100 one-to-nothing games but as soon as Boston (or whoever) comes around they're going to leave 8 guys on base and bunt with the 9th
	raffi: So what are you proposing?
	LudwickVanBeethoven: We join forces with Oakland. With our bats and their pitching we can beat any Auction League AL East team. Play in New Mexico, call ourselves the RA'ngers
	Online Host a_rod has entered the chatroom carrying a bag of groceries.
	a_rod: SORRY GUYS, aRAH WAS CRAVINGK A SNACK SO I JOOST MY POGGET CHANGE TO BUY 50,000 GROSS OF SUMFLOWER SEEDS
	a_rod: I JUST CANT STOP EATING SEED
	a_rod: LOL I'VE EDEN SO MANY SEEDS LATELY THAT ITS TURNINGK MY LIPS THIS WEIRT SHADE OF PURPLE
	a_rod: OH I'M SORRY I INNERUPTED JOO, RAFFI DO JOO WAN SOME SUMFLOWER SEEDS, HMMMM /holds out handful of dampened seeds
	raffi: I have never wanted sunflower seeds. Period. /points dramatically
	LudwickVanBeethoven: no hey we could actually get your opinion on this, see, we're not winning a lot of games, so I thought we could-
	a_rod: WHY DOAN WE TRY HITTINGK MORE HOME RUNS
	LudwickVanBeethoven: try... uuuuh, what?
	a_rod: HOME RUNS IF JOO HIT A HOME RUN THAT EGUALS ONE RUN AN JOO DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHINGK ELSE
	LudwickVanBeethoven: yeah but see we already hit a sh**-ton of homeruns, I don't think we could hit any more
	a_rod: HURM, SO THE PROPLEM IS; HOW TO HIT MORE HOME RUNS /rubs chin HURMMM
	raffi: /rolls eyes okay hold on, I know a guy
	raffi: /uses crowbar to remove manhole cover
	YESWayJose: /pops head out of manhole yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeess?
	raffi: These guys allegedly need some performance enhancing drugs. Period. Do you have them. Question mark?
	YESWayJose: /displays series of increasingly soggy paper bags all right fellas i got epitestosterone testosterone anabolic roids beta2-adrenergic agonist i got a little g-h i got a can of diet dr. pepper
	a_rod: NO THANK JOO I'M ALREADY STOGKED UP
	LudwickVanBeethoven: Wait, you already DO steroids?
	a_rod: LOL OF COURSE I DO SILLY, I HIT 50 HOME RUNS A YEAR WHAT DO JOO THINK I'M TAKING, FLINSTONES VITAMINS
	LudwickVanBeethoven: whoa, well I uh, I mean I guess I thought you did it with skill and practice
	a_rod: SKILL AND PRAGTICE
	a_rod: HONEY PLEASE I'M A 27 YEAR OLD MILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY WHO HANGS OUT WITH POP STARS WHAT THE HELL DO JOO THINK I DO WITH MY FREE TIME
	raffi: This is surprising. Exclamation point!
	YESWayJose: /writes down everything
	TeixMeix: A-Rod?? More like "A-Fraud!" Because you are A Fraud! We should call you that!
	LudwickVanBeethoven: And there's something funny about the way you talk! Something tells me you aren't "right!"
	a_rod: SORRY GUYS, I TELL JOO WHAT
	a_rod: I WILL SET UP A NEW PROFILE WITH THE SCREEN NAME "HOMOSEXUAL_ROD" SO JOO CAN GET JOOR SHIDS AN GICKLES
	Online Host a_rod has left the chatroom. Online Host homosexual_rod has entered the chatroom.
	homosexual_rod: JOO CAN THINGK I'M A RIDGE GAY ASS HOLE AN I WILL CONTINUE BEING PAID MORE MONEY THAN JOO CAN COMPREHEN TO PLAY BASEBALL BETTER THAN JOO EVER WILL
	homosexual_rod: BECAUSE, LOL, PRETTY SURE I COULD SMOKE CRACK AN BE BETTER THAN RYAN LUDWIGCK
	homosexual_rod: /flips feathered boa over shoulder, exits chatroom
	Online Host homosexual_rod has left the chatroom.
	LudwickVanBeethoven: Huh. Well, that still leaves us with the issue of pitching.
	YESWayJose: hey i can pitch
	Online Host Six years later in the New York Yankees Chatroom...
	e5_rod: /browses Sports Illustrated
	e5_rod: sigggghhhh
	e5_rod: /changes screen name
	Online Host The next day
	TeixMeix: 'sup buddy, nice screen name
	ster_rod: BOY I SWURR

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

2-08-2009 @ 12:44AM

Jade said...

Heehee, nice work, B--although I was figuring you'd have him passing it off as either Botox injections or collagen for his lips ;)

Jade
http://www.sportsbastards.com

2-08-2009 @ 6:09AM

mikefireball said...

Ahahaha, I've changed the shirt to the new screen name.

http://12923.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/

2-08-2009 @ 5:18PM

Donut King said...

JOO DA MANG FYREBAWL!!

2-08-2009 @ 11:12AM

vtow8458 said...

I guess Canseco and all the words he spilled arent lies! Shame the whole sport is a bunch of cheaters and immigrants getting over paid.

2-08-2009 @ 5:47PM

fuzzy dunlop said...

Yeah! That's the problem with baseball! Immigrants! Damn immigrants!

2-09-2009 @ 3:00AM

d000000000m said...

THE RETURN OF HOMOSEXUAL_ROD.

So happy.

2-10-2009 @ 12:05AM

Steve said...

After watching the interview on Sportscenter and reading the transcript, I thought it was actually a good apology. It felt rehearsed, but Gammons asked good questions and A-Rod answered most of them directly. That being said, I couldn't help thinking of you guys when I heard him say "Every guy on the team. And I like it. I like taking it. I am not a good ragger, but I am a good receiver."