The Dugout: Gammons On Rodriguez

I want to see Peter Gammons interview Chris Brown.

Gammons: "Chris, you beat the crap out of your girlfriend, put her in the hospital, and bit her on the arm. Was it hard filming those Doublemint Gum commercials?"

Brown: "It has been a difficult time for all of us" etc.

Anyway, nothing we could write would be as easy-going and predictable as the actual Gammons/Rodriguez interview, so tonight's Dugout is just me copy and pasting text from the transcript into the field next to the images. Just try to picture Pete gnawing on his upper lip like he does while you read.

The Dugout

	Gammondorf: Alex, instead of asking you questions I'm going to write on these softballs in sharpie and lob them to you underhand, is that all right?
	ster_rod: /nods; purses lips
	Gammondorf: This weekend Sports Illustrated reported that in 2003 you tested positive for testosterone, an anabolic steroid known as Primobolan. What is the truth?
	ster_rod: THE TRUTH EES THAT I DRANK LIKE A PEEG FROM A TROUGH LABELED "STEROIDS" BUT I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS TAGINGK
	ster_rod: EVERYONE HAS DONE THAT STEROID, PEETER, EVEN JI
	ster_rod: JIM THOME! HE THOUGHT IT WAS A VITAMIN THAT MADE JOO REALLY GOOD AT BOWLING
	Gammondorf: Would you say that you took the steroids between 2001 and 2003?
	ster_rod: THAT EES PRETTY ACCURATE, YES. I ALSO TOOG THEM FROM 2003 UNTIL NOW AND BACKWORDS FROM 2000 UNTIL BIRTH
	Gammondorf: What kind of substances were you taking?
	ster_rod: PEETER THAT'S THE THINGK, IT WAS SUCH A LOOSEY GOOSEY ERA, THE LOOSENESS OF THE GOOSE MADE IT DIFFICULT TO KNOW ONE STEROID FROM ANOTHER
	ster_rod: I TOLE RAFFI TO TIGHTEN HISS GOOSE BUT HISS FINGKERS WERE ALL LIKE /does spirit fingers
	ster_rod: HE COULD'AVE BEEN PUDDING FUN DIP UP MY KEESTER, aRAH WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN
	Gammondorf: How loose is your goose? Actually, let me preface that with another question; how funky is your chicken?
	ster_rod: WE PLAYED BASEBALL ON A FARM WITH MANY PROMISCUOUS ANIMALS
	ster_rod: JOSE CANSEGO EES WRITINGK A BOOK IN THE VEIN OF ANIMAL FARM THAT EES PRETTY F**GKED UP
	Gammondorf: So how about this Selena Roberts from Sports Illustrated? What is this broad's deal, am I right?
	ster_rod: THIS WOMAN EES TRYINGK TO THROW THINGS OUT THERE LIKE I TRIED STEROIDS IN HIGH SGOOL
	ster_rod: I MEAN, THAT'S THE BIGGESS BUNCH OF BALONEY I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE
	ster_rod: AN TRUSS ME, aRAH HAS BEEN AROUN A LOT OF BIG BALONIES
	Gammondorf: That's right, you're on a team with Derek Jeter.
	ster_rod: EGSACTLY WAIT, WHEN aRAH SAYS "BIG BALONEY" DO YOU THINK IT MEANS THE /makes motions towards crotch
	Gammondorf: do I look like the kind of guy who ever means /makes motions toward crotch
	ster_rod: BUT NO, SELENA ROBERTS IS THE DEVIL, I HAVE THE PAPER HERE /holds up picture

	Gammondorf: is she holding a trident
	ster_rod: NO THAT EES SPOST TO BE A DEVILS PITCHFORK
	Gammondorf: for doing his haywork
	Gammondorf: do you really think that the devil is supposed to look like the meandering grandma president from this season of 24?
	ster_rod: MY ARTISTS RENDERINGK OF THE DEVIL EES SOMEWHAT LOOSEY-GOOSEY
	Gammondorf: What has she done to you that is so bad?
	ster_rod: SHE TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT THE BAD THING I WAS TRYINGK TO KEEP SECRET
	Gammondorf: ...
	Gammondorf: ... and?
	ster_rod: AND UH
	ster_rod: SHE STOOD OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE AN STARED AT ME THROUGH THE WINDOW OMINOUSLY
	ster_rod: SHE DEVELOPED A SINGLE WHITE FEMALE OBSESSION WITH DEREK JETER AN THEN USED DRUGS TO HIT A BUNCH OF HOME RUNS
	ster_rod: SHE CHEATED ON HER WIFE WITH MADONNA
	Gammondorf: Have you ever, even for one second, thought about something other than yourself?
	ster_rod: JOO ARE RIGHT, IS SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THOSE NASTY THINGS ABOUT JEET
	ster_rod: BUT JOO KNOW ME, ALWAYS STICKING IT TO NUMBER TWO
	Gammondorf: A lot has been said about the fact that the union did not get those samples destroyed, which involves over a hundred players.
	Gammondorf: Are you bitter at all that the union didn't get those tests destroyed?
	ster_rod: NO, GOD HAS DONE THIS FOR A REASON. I CAN CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT THE UNION DID. I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT SELENA ROBERTS DID
	Gammondorf: The expression is that you "couldn't" care less. Could not. By saying you could "care less" you are saying that you care less about it than you do, suggesting that you care.
	Gammondorf: Also, God did this because he hates you.
	Gammondorf: Wait a minute, I forgot I was Peter Gammons. /writes "what is your favorite color" on ball /lobs ball to A-Rod
	ster_rod: /fumbles throw /acts like he's going to throw, but doesn't /makes a mad face
	ster_rod: /reads ball BLUE LOL

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

2-13-2009 @ 11:19AM

TheHulk said...

Gammons is an overrated BLOWHARD.

Gammon was TRYING to make a point about cheats in baseball and named Sarah Palin for some unknown reason (he's a liberial, I LIKE MY SPORTS WITHOUT POLITICS) with Bond's, Rose etc.

How did Sarah Palin cheat Baseball??? Gammon is an asshole.

ESPN is officialy the worst network on TV, get your baseball news on MLB NETWORK.

2-13-2009 @ 11:40AM

Matt Snyder said...

I'm not sure you know what blowhard means. You are certainly free to dislike Gammons, but calling him a blowhard is nowhere near accurate.

2-13-2009 @ 1:11PM

Barclay said...

Hi, welcome to the Dugout. Comments should rarely have anything to do with real world events, even when that particular Dugout is a storyline pertaining to real world events. Instead, please try to focus on things like pop culture references ranging from lesser-known to obscure, or references to older Dugouts, or references to the Dugout you are commenting on.

2-15-2009 @ 5:36AM

Jason said...

The author of this piece should be fired. Just the worst example of unfettered bullsh*t imaginable. Doesn't even approach being intelligent or entertaining satire. Hackneyed and trite from beginning to end. This Bozo needs some serious editing.

2-14-2009 @ 2:39AM

Dumbass said...

Jokes are not taken well in your household, are they?

2-13-2009 @ 12:24PM

Ragingape said...

ster_rod: JOSE CANSEGO EES WRITINGK A BOOK IN THE VEIN OF ANIMAL FARM THAT EES PRETTY F**GKED UP

Story of intrigue?

2-13-2009 @ 1:05PM

Hey Matt,

A Blowhard is someone who speaks without the proper knowledge on the subject matter and is considered ineffectual. You may want to look it up before you make stupid assumptions(assumption means: something that is believed to be true without proof).

(In case yoiu don't know what Ineffectual means I added the meaning so even you will understand)

Ineffectual or incompetent; not competent, decisive, or authoritative enough to achieve desired aims

AS IN; adding a political reference to a subject with no real point or meaning.

NICE TRY SPARKY...

2-13-2009 @ 1:32PM

ebooker said...

HULK MAD!

2-13-2009 @ 1:53PM

Just as I suspected:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blowhard

2-13-2009 @ 1:59PM

Mr. Wright said...

The Hulk should factcheck.

Definitions of blowhard on the Web:

* bragger: a very boastful and talkative person
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

* The Tunnelers were a group of Marvel Comics mutants that is offshoot group of Morlocks. Created by Chris Claremont and Paul Smith, Masque's first appearance was in Uncanny X-Men #169 (May 1983). Created by Chris Claremont, John Romita, Jr. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowhard_(The_Tunnelers)

* Blowhard is a fictional character, a mutant in the Marvel Comics Universe. His first appearance was in X-Factor vol. 1 #11 (December, 1986).
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowhard_(comics)

* a very wordy braggart
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Blowhard

2-13-2009 @ 1:34PM

ebooker, lol, That's great, funny stuff...

2-13-2009 @ 2:08PM

Matt,

Yep I would figure you would find an example to suit you.

Most people understand words have multiple meanings. A common misconception made by people with a lower level of education is to grab the 1st or a simplistic definition because their unable to dig a little deeper.

I have a PHD from MIT, How about you? Where did you go to university (oh I mean College, in case you do know what a university is)?

2-13-2009 @ 2:37PM

You'd have a point, Hulk, if there weren't MULTIPLE sources indicating that the prevailing definition of the term isn't exactly..you know..yours.

And your credentials prove one thing: people from MIT should also have dictionaries in their library.

2-13-2009 @ 2:18PM

MATTisJERK said...

Matt is a functional retard. Someone look that up!!!

And if you look up a word you'll see they do have muiltiple meanings. I just looked it up and Hulk was right about all his definitions.

2-13-2009 @ 2:27PM

ascalzo said...

Hey Matt; why the H*ll are you stepping all over someone elses blog, stick to your own crappy blog.
How does a piss poor writer like Matt Snyder get a job writing for AOL.

2-13-2009 @ 2:39PM

By the way Gammon makes all of the interviewers introduce him as a "Hall of Famer" (I know from one of those interviewer) That even by Snyders definition is a Blowhard.
Stick to your blog Matt, don't try to steal your peers thunder.

2-13-2009 @ 2:42PM

Hulk: I apologize for offending you. I didn't realize it would send you on this type of frenzy.

By the way, the "Mattisjerk" and "ascalzo" messages came from the same IP and email domain as yours (not to mention they were both sent from the exact same email address). So it was either you or a friend of yours. One would think an MIT PHD holder would have more self-esteem, and, quite frankly, better things to do.

2-13-2009 @ 2:52PM

Matt tell yourself anything thats gets you through the night.

Nice try.

What you can't name your university??? Oh that's college.

2-14-2009 @ 2:45AM

Donut King said...

Your MIT PHD doesn't wash the douchebag away from your perceived personality, kind sir.

You would also expect a person with an MIT PHD to be able to spell "Gammons" correctly. But geez, maybe I'm just such a blowhard. And I just hate to be so damned caustic.