bud_is_wiser: Friend, have I got a proposition for you!

hank_you_very_much: oh god no more arm wrestling

bud_is_wiser: No, not this time. Doctor says no more arm wrestling. Last time we arm wrestled, you tore my ACL.

hank_you_very_much: How is that possible?

bud_is_wiser: You are awesome, and I am dumb and brittle.

hank_you_very_much: yeah but how did you hurt you knee while

bud_is_wiser: Hank, I want to put you on the top of the all-time home run list.

hank_you_very_much: ...what? I'm too old to do steroids, man. I haven't roided up since the fifties.

bud_is_wiser: You used steroids?

hank_you_very_much: Yep!

bud_is_wiser: /stares blankly

bud_is_wiser: /calls player's union, asks how the weather is where they are

bud_is_wiser: /compulsively re-arranges items on desk

bud_is_wiser: /dusts off hands

I have done all I can do. History will smile on my legacy.

hank_you_very_much: ahaha I didn't actually use steroids, I just wanted to see what your response would be

bud_is_wiser: Oh.

/sheepishly returns paperweight to corner of desk

hank_you_very_much: hahaha are you using your executive power as a paperweight

bud_is_wiser: You're getting me off track. Hank, I'm not saying that you have to hit seven more home runs to pass Barry Bonds. I'm saying we re-write the list to put you back at #1.

hank_you_very_much: That doesn't make any sense.

bud_is_wiser: Sure it does! Everyone knows that Bonds steroided his way to the top of the list.

hank_you_very_much: Yeah, but I mean, he did hit those home runs. It's historical fact. He hit a lot of them while using illegal substances, sure, but they're still home runs.

hank_you_very_much: If you change the order of the list, or remove people entirely, the list isn't a historical account. It's a viral Facebook list of your favorite baseball players.

bud_is_wiser: Aw, I love Facebook quizzes!

hank_you_very_much: Yeah, and that's because

bud_is_wiser: because I'm dumb and brittle, I know

hank_you_very_much: Look. If you want to acknowledge the influence of steroids on the all-time home run list, you could do so without re-writing history.

hank_you_very_much: Here's a compromise. Just denote known PED users on the list with an asterisk.

bud_is_wiser: agggghhhh

but I can't type an asterisk, the shift key and the 8 key are so far away

hank_you_very_much: What are you talking about? Just use your other hand to hold down the shift key.

bud_is_wiser: i can't, my other hand is firmly clenching the last crumbling shards of my legacy

can i just denote steroid users with bbbbbbbbbbbbb

hank_you_very_much: All right, all right, it doesn't have to be an asterisk.

How about this: �

bud_is_wiser: ...

what is this, Mario Kart

if I type that do i get to use the lightning bolt on barry bonds and make him normal size again

hank_you_very_much: Come on, give it a shot. Just copy and paste. CTRL+V.

bud_is_wiser: okay here goes

�

hank_you_very_much: There you go!

**OnlineHost** The last crumbling shards of Bud Selig's legacy have fallen out of his hand and onto the carpet.

**OnlineHost** The shards sprout into a weed-like plant that bears poisonous maggots as fruit.

bud_is_wiser: aw dammit, my carpet is ruined

bud_is_wiser: i spent 18 million dollars on that f***ing carpet