I still like to pretend that Getty Images employs a cow named Elsa who started chewing on a camera that was dropped in the meadow and somehow became an art sensation.But yeah, occasionally something happens in baseball that overshadows the game itself. That's when you have to nod knowingly and accept that everyone wants you to know their opinion about it. If you click the "continue reading" button you can read mine! Oh come on, you have to!
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the MLB Press Conference Chatroom! |
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GettyPhotographer: /snaps pictures incessantly because we need 40 slightly different photos of Bud Selig talking |
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bud_is_wiser: I'd like to thank all 200 of you for joining us here to speak openly and honestly, at last, about the black eye Baseball suffered this week. |
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bud_is_wiser: Situations like this should be talked about, especially between fathers and sons, because that is the true bond of our sport. |
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bud_is_wiser: After today The Dugout and Major League Baseball can officially move on, and work constructively to avoid horrible future events like this one. |
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bud_is_wiser: So... who has the first question? /picks nose, points around flagrantly with nose-pickin' finger yes, you |
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Reporter: Do you feel terrible about what you've done to baseball? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: i'm sorry |
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Reporter: Do you realize that there are little kids who tore down their Eric Gagne posters several years ago that want you to go away, so they can forget that you ever existed? |
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Reporter: How can you look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done to them? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: it's just a minor league contract you guys, seriously |
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Reporter: /rasies hand A follow-up question. |
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bud_is_wiser: Yes. |
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Reporter: "Why don't you just kill yourself?" |
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SmokeSomeGagne: aww |
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bud_is_wiser: I think that's a question we'd all like the answer to, Eric. |
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SmokeSomeGagne: you guys are jerks who don't understand how baseball really works, you havent seen my medical reports |
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SmokeSomeGagne: i haven't shaved my arm once this entire offseason and now its all scraggily and warm i don't even need to wear a jacket |
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Reporter: Are you aware that you are bleeding through your shirt? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: /looks down, notices entire arm of dress shirt soaked in blood |
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SmokeSomeGagne: that's just part of the healing process, i should be 100% by april |
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Reporter: Is that an arrow? Is there an arrow sticking out of your arm? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: no more questions about my debilitating injury, next question please |
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bud_is_wiser: Maybe we can get a few questions to explain WHY he keeps playing instead of HOW. You. |
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Reporter: Mr. Gagne, during what time period did you experiment with being good at baseball? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: between 2002-2004, but it was a loosey goosey time my cousin made me do it tho |
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Reporter: And what made you stop? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: you don't understand the pressure put on young players to perform at a high level, i was just an impressionable kid back then |
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SmokeSomeGagne: once i was smart enough to stop taking instruction i could step out of that world, and throw like i wanted to |
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SmokeSomeGagne: namely, "as hard as possible so my elbow would end up looking like somebody shot a octopus with a shotgun" |
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Reporter: Do you think you can make it back to the big leagues? |
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SmokeSomeGagne: well doy |
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SmokeSomeGagne: i mean how long can trevor hoffman live, maybe two, three more years |
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bud_is_wiser: Who knows, with all the steroids he's on. |
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SmokeSomeGagne: steroids? what means this word, "steroids" |
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bud_is_wiser: You haven't heard of steroids? They're drugs you can take that make you great at baseball. |
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SmokeSomeGagne: say what |
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bud_is_wiser: Yep, and they help heal your injuries faster so you can play longer! |
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SmokeSomeGagne: you don't say |
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SmokeSomeGagne: changing the subject for a minute, where can i get some steroids |
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bud_is_wiser: I can hook you up, don't worry, I've got cases of that sh** in my garage. Just page me when you're done with your press conference. |
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Reporter: .... |
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Reporter: .... |
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Reporter: ... |
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bud_is_wiser: oh crap did I say that out loud |
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
2-17-2009 @ 10:27PM
sgdbaty13 said...
We are all trying to hang on to days gone by. Baseball is no longer a sport, it is simply the entertainment business. Yankee Stadium is sold out every night, no different than if the Beatles were playing there. They did drugs to enhance there performance and people didn't care. We are kidding ourselves when we hold these athletes up to be something other than entertainers.
Reply
2-18-2009 @ 1:12AM
Barclay said...
THOME SMASH
2-18-2009 @ 11:22AM
Gleebo said...
You guys have not had nearly enough fun with the phrase "loosey-goosey". Its like the guy was asking for more Dugouts to be wrote about him and his man love Jeet.
Reply
2-18-2009 @ 2:51AM
ForceEight said...
OH MY GOD I DID NOT EXPECT THAT. You will fool EVERYONE into thinking this is another steroid piece and get a boatload of laughs from it, B.
FREAKIN' FANTASTIC.
Reply
2-18-2009 @ 3:24PM
Donut King said...
Normally, when you think Bud Selig has a case of something in his garage, your first thought would be "Miller Lite". At least mine would be.
Because don't forget . . . Bud says "I'M NOT TO BLAME! NO, DON'T BLAME ME! IT WASN'T ME!" Maybe Scott Van Pelt was right.
Good work, B!
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