Barry Bonds' Testicles to Testify?

Over the last few years there have probably been more than a few baseball fans who feel like they've learned a bit too much about those who play the sport. Instead of hearing all about their steroid use, these people would prefer to live in denial about any such problems with the sport and just watch baseball. Bud Selig is no doubt an example of this type of baseball fan.

Well, Bud and the rest of those fans should probably do everything in their power to avoid Barry Bonds' trial over the next few weeks, because if you think hearing about players injecting themselves -- or in some cases, having Jose Canseco do it -- in the butt with steroids is too much, then you're going to faint during Barry's trial. On Wednesday Barry's lawyers filed a motion to ensure that his testicles can't be used as evidence against him.

Courtroom 10 in the federal courthouse should be free of crude discussion of Barry Bonds' allegedly shriveled testicles, supposed premature baldness and rumored massive head – at least that was the spirited argument Wednesday in a defense filing in the perjury case.

[...]

As to allegations about Bonds' testicles, the defense claimed a failure of proof. Alleging that Bonds' former mistress Kimberly Bell had pressed a legal claim against the slugger and shopped a book about their relationship, [lawyer Allen] Ruby noted that no medical evidence had been introduced to support her claim to "have noticed that Mr. Bonds' testicles became smaller."

Visual inspection apparently won't do. Ruby noted that a "layperson" would have difficulty detecting diminished testicles "even by touch."

The only reliable means of measurement, Ruby wrote, is by a "trained examiner" using a special device called an orchidometer.

I'm pretty sure that Judge Susan Illston will have to listen to Bonds' lawyers here, because I think the fifth amendment says that "a man's testicles shall not be a witness against themselves" or something to that effect. There's also that part of the amendment that says nobody's "private property be taken for public use."

I don't think property gets more private than a man's family jewels.

As for judging Barry's boys by touch, or with a "trained examiner," yeah, um, where did that guy's life go wrong?

(Hat tip: SPORTSbyBROOKS)