The Dugout: Nationals Lampoon II

Some important news and notes from the warped minds at The Dugout:

1. Our annual Spring Training event (hilariously named "Spring Dugz" by Nick), where we cover a different team every day for 30 days, begins on Monday. So if you like ... I don't know, the Astros, be sure you don't miss out.
2. From here on out I won't be "B" anymore, but B. Thompson Stroud. Check the byline. Same letter, same guy, same esoteric jokes about wrestling.
3. Above the words here is an old picture of Dmitri Young being run over by a clownish car, because I felt that image best expresses the 2009 Washington Nationals season.

Now that that's all out of the way, enjoy tonight's Dugout, part 2 of Nationals Lampoon, after the jump.

The Dugout

	DukesOfHazzard: because of winnin da coon hunt championships, the fam'ly can finally afford to move to town
	DukesOfHazzard: on da day of their departure, billy visit they graves to say goodbye... upon arrivin he sees that a large plant has growed between da two moundz
	DukesOfHazzard: accordin to a ol indian legend, only a angel could plant a red fern an wherever it growed be sacred
	DukesOfHazzard: i aint even bullsh**, they was dead, dawgs
	SlowLerner: It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you, Elijah, that was a great book report. You should read it to your family. Your kids, too!
	SlowLerner: What're you planning to read next?
	DukesOfHazzard: "shogun" /
	GoodGasMileage: ay axe him to do a report on louisa may alcott, he know all about "little women" an "ate cousins"
	DukesOfHazzard: /throws Gatorade bottle
	SlowLerner: That's enough, Sweathogs, settle down. /runs finger along face of paper
	SlowLerner: Up next is ... Jimmy Bowden!
	InJapan_Bowden: /lifts head from desk huh, waht
	SlowLerner: It's your turn. Come up to the front of the clubhouse and read your oral presentation.
	InJapan_Bowden: My uhhhh...... my uhhhhhhhh.... yeah okay /slumps to front of class
	SlowLerner: Any time, Mr. Bowden.
	InJapan_Bowden: alright, godddd /takes deep breath, speaks in super-fast monotone
	InJapan_Bowden: set in the small town of gada... gada... guadaloop, uh, new mexico during world war 2, rudolph anaya's very good and important chicano book "Bless Me, Ultima" can be compared and contrasted
	InJapan_Bowden: the book, itself, is a very good book that deals with many issues. uhhhhh.... /looks around
	DukesOfHazzard: /texting something hideous
	ThePostOfficeEsmailyn: /whispering to girl in class about how he is only sixteen years old
	GoodGasMileage: /writing the word "n*gga" on the back of spiral notebook 40 times, trying to figure out how he could rap it
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /opening pixie stick at the end, pouring it on doritos
	InJapan_Bowden: the book stars a man named .../flips over book Antonio Márez, a young boy who meets a "cuaranda" named Ultima. For those of you wondering, a "cuaranda" is the spanish word for a healer of Mexican lore
	InJapan_Bowden: in the story, uhhhh, Antonio and Ultima must do battle with three evil witches, speaking spanish along the way, and learning about and symbolizing themselves.
	InJapan_Bowden: my favorite character in rudolph anaya's book "Bless Me, Ultima" is rosie, who runs a brothel, which scares Antonio or "Tony" as I call him, because it represents sin and sinning.
	InJapan_Bowden: all in all, in conclusion i would say that this is a very good book and i would recommend it to anyone looking for a great story.
	InJapan_Bowden: /puts head down, tries to shuffle back to seat
	SlowLerner: Stay where you are, Jim. Team, does anyone have any questions about "Bless Me, Ultima?"
	GoodGasMileage: /raises hand
	SlowLerner: Lastings.
	GoodGasMileage: i go to the bafroom
	SlowLerner: No, not right now. Does anyone have a question about the book? Elijah?
	DukesOfHazzard: yee, uh, is ultima that big ass lazer dawg from final fantsy vi, that you fight on that island where you gotta wait fo shadow or his ass dies
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: hahah i memba dat shit, he give you a soard
	InJapan_Bowden: No, Ultima isa "cuaranda," which means...
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /rasies hand enthusiastically, puts other hand in armpit for support
	InJapan_Bowden: Yes, Dmitri...
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: you memba that dude in wcw, what was his name, had a mask like rey mysturrio, chinese dude
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: suddenly remembers ULTIMA DRAGON, hahaha hooyahhh /strikes karate pose, kicks over desk
	InJapan_Bowden: No, this is a "cuaranda," which means
	DukesOfHazzard: awwww sh** son ultima dragon DA BOMMMM
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: he be like, /rights desk /does complete spin in place /kicks over desk
	DukesOfHazzard: yeeeeee, he be like, i'm cruiser weight champion m___f____! /texts picture of dropkick to Dean Malenko
	GoodGasMileage: yall memba his students, like judo suwa
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /makes face ngga who da f*k is judo suwa
	SlowLerner: Everybody be quiet. Do you have any questions for Mr. Bowden ABOUT his report? No?
	SlowLerner: All right, I have one. Jim?
	InJapan_Bowden: hurm
	SlowLerner: What is the significance of the owl that el hombre volador gives to Ultima?
	InJapan_Bowden: uhhhhh.... /stares blankly for several seconds /skims back of book
	InJapan_Bowden: uhhh the hombre gives Ultima an owl because it symbolizes... uhhh... the hope, that-
	SlowLerner: You have no idea, do you.
	InJapan_Bowden: /lowers head, stares at feet
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: bus tedddd
	SlowLerner: Did you read "Bless Me, Ultima" at all, Jimmy?
	InJapan_Bowden: I did! Well, I mean, kinda...
	SlowLerner: Did you just skim it?
	InJapan_Bowden: No! No, I... uhhh yes :(
	SlowLerner: Why did you skim it?
	InJapan_Bowden: Because it was Latin, and I didn't think anybody would notice.
	GoodGasMileage: ay teach, how many times you gon let this joka ruin class before you punish him, i mean damn
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee how is it you got a class wit all a us an this mothaf**ka is the worse one
	ThePostOfficeEsmailyn: yeah have some standards, teach
	InJapan_Bowden: /waddles back to seat, emasculated
	SlowLerner: Let's just move on and forget this happened, like we always do. Dmitri Young! What book did you decide to read?
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: edgar rice burroughs' "a princess of mars"
	SlowLerner: What? Seriously?
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aint no classic literature with snacks in the name

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

2-24-2009 @ 11:06PM

doomrider40k said...

SlowLerner: wait a minute

SlowLerner: you stoled my pen

Did he have a reverse stroke or something?

2-25-2009 @ 5:45AM

Rob said...

Arrrrrrrgh, God! It crept over me where that might be going, but I couldn't be sure. Longest build up to a punchline EVER, but somehow all the more satisfying for it. I call this literary technique the "Southpark Payoff."

And yes, I learned something to day.

B Thompson Stroud, btw? Do you have a beat-generation-writer's-name generator? Awesome. It actually sounds like a deliberately badass pseudonym.

2-25-2009 @ 6:01PM

DaveR said...

"A Princess of Mars"? SNAP!

Does this mean we can look forward to future appearances from uber-agent DejahBoras and Red Sox power prospect LarsTarkas?