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MLB

The Dugout: The Guille-tine

Posted Feb 26, 2009 10:00PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: White Sox, AL Central, The Dugout

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According to insider reports, Ozzie Guillen knows how he wants to die: on the field, mid-pitching change. He wants to die, be dragged off the field, and replaced instantaneously. In equally important news, the sky is blue and Kyle Farnsworth's favorite food is "hamburgers."

But no Ozzie sentence can go unanalyzed, so here is not only a comic about what he said, but about what he said before and after the comment with liberal existential nonsense from WordupThome.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. That's it, bring in the next man.

The Dugout

OzzieOzzieOzzie: /stares off into the distance wistfully
OzzieOzzieOzzie: Tell me. How do you hope to die?
WordUpThome: SQUARSHED BY A CIRCUS TRAIN FULL OF CIRCUS ANIMALS
OzzieOzzieOzzie: ....
WordUpThome: SO EN-TRANCED BY THE MAGESTIC HIPPOE AM I THAT I AM STRUCKEN DOWN MID-"HOWDY"
OzzieOzzieOzzie: anyone else
YerMainGuy: I don't know, something quick and painless, I guess. Something I never see coming.
AsGoodAsItGetz: yeah or in my sleep
OzzieOzzieOzzie: Hurm. /rubs chin

WordUpThome: FLATTER THAN A NO-DOLLARS PANNED-CAKE, THE CIRCUS CONTINUES ALONG ITS MERRIE WAY
WordUpThome: WHY THE CONUNDRUM, CHUM
OzzieOzzieOzzie: For some reason that must be important to others, I have been talking out loud about how I'd like to die.
YerMainGuy: What'd you decide? Something noble, I bet.
AsGoodAsItGetz: like dying in a plane crash trying to get relief aid to Nicaraguan earthquake victims
YerMainGuy: Or something really crazy and epic..

AsGoodAsItGetz: like dying on New Years Eve trying to get relief aid to Nicaraguan earthquake victims because your presence would be enough to shame the corrupt government officials preventing the food from reaching its destination

and having exactly 3000 hits
YerMainGuy: And people respecting and loving you forever, maybe naming an award after you
AsGoodAsItGetz: and having your best friend miss your funeral because he's busy deep sea diving trying to find your body
OzzieOzzieOzzie: The hell? Who does that? No, I've got something much better. /raises arms, palms out
OzzieOzzieOzzie: I. Want to die. On the field.
OzzieOzzieOzzie: I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that's it.
WordUpThome: YEPPO, THAT SOUNDS LOADS BETTER THAN THE UNDERWATER AIDS THING
OzzieOzzieOzzie: I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that's it.
OzzieOzzieOzzie: I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn't feel bad because that's what I've always wanted to do.
OzzieOzzieOzzie: You die on the field - "good luck, get him out of here, next man."
YerMainGuy: That's the way you'd CHOOSE to die? Out of all the possible ways? Really?
AsGoodAsItGetz: hey now, don't get on coach's case, that sounds like the perfect way for him to die
WordUpThome: EXPOUND
AsGoodAsItGetz: our pitching staff gives him a brain aneurysm, he dies in front of everybody in the middle of the game, and we have to drag him off
YerMainGuy: I don't get it.
AsGoodAsItGetz: he dies the way he lived: blaming someone else, doing something stupid to be the center of attention, and being a burden to the baseball team
OzzieOzzieOzzie: ....
OzzieOzzieOzzie: shut up, rookie
**Online Host**
Later, in the Faulknerian Idiot Manchild Chatroom...
WordUpThome: /rubs chin with both hands and most of forearms
KingOfPap: /crams Bon Jovi tape into the back of a Teddy Ruxpin
WordUpThome: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE, PAPPELED BON

KingOfPap: o no r u gonna kill me

is this ur tedy ruspin i dunno who did this 2 him
WordUpThome: NO; NAMELY, HOW WOULD YOU DIE IF YOU COULD CHOOSE IT FOR YOUR SELF
KingOfPap: gun down in a h*il of bullits by spies
WordUpThome: IS THAT WHAT SPIES DO
KingOfPap: i duno what spies do /makes Teddy Ruxpin do hilarious irish dance

KingOfPap: doan worry jim

there is no future, there is no past
WordUpThome: I LIVE EACH MO
WordUpThome: MOMENT AS MY LAST
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: asgoodasitgetz, chris+getz, ChrisGetz, jermaine+dye, JermaineDye, jim+thome, JimThome, ozzie+guillen, OzzieGuillen, ozzieozzieozzie, wordupthome, yermainguy

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