The Dugout: Caveat Emptor

Look at the look on his face. Even he's thinking, "Ugh, why did you guys hire me? Haven't you been watching baseball for the last eight years?"

The sun rose this morning, and Kerry Wood hasn't taken the mound for the Indians since last weekend because of back problems, and I'm gonna go ahead and say he'll be out for the first two months of the season and 90% of September. This should come as a surprise to only newborn babies and the mentally incompetent, but hey, there's no reason to overreact. It's just a nagging back injury, and the Tribe is playing it safe by keeping him out. I'm going to skip the b.s. and just overreact now, so when Grady Sizemore misses the middle of the season with missing groin and Travis Hafner's foot falls off I can blame it on Wood and move on with my life.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	SnowstormCutsHoffpauir: what did you want me to do with this bed of nails, coach?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: LIE UPON IT, MAKING SURE TO EQUALLY DISTRIBUTE YOUR WEIGHT SO YOU DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: THEN I'M GONNA POUND YOU IN THE GODDAMNED NECK WITH THIS BENAILED 2X4, AND WE'RE GONNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS
	SnowstormCutsHoffpauir: gulp explain to me again how is this supposed to improve my contact
	Online Host The telephone is ringing.
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /blood pressure rises 200% GET ON THOSE NAILS, I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: NO, FACE DOWN! HELLO!
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Yeah hey Lou, this is Eric Wedge, do you think you could hop over onto Wahoo Messenger for a minute, I need to talk to you about something
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I STOPPED USING YOUR GAYBO MESSAGING CLIENT IN 1968, WHAT DO YOU WANT
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: I wanted to talk to you about-
	SnowstormCutsHoffpauir: am I supposed to be bleeding this much
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: SHUT THE F*** UP, HOFFPAUIR, BEFORE I PISTOL WHIP YOU WITH MY HAT
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: OUT WITH IT, WEDGIE, I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE PHONE WITH OTHER NORTH SIDE GUYZ
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: we had our first game of Spring Training the other day and Kerry Wood is already hurt, is that normal?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HAVE YOU BEEN STORING HIM IN FORMALDEHYDE
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: yes
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: DID YOU KEEP HIM FREE OF DIRT AND DEBRIS
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: yes, as far as I know
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HAVE YOU ASKED HIM TO THROW A BASEBALL AT ANY POINT
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: well... yes...
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: ANYONE ON YOUR CLUB EXPERIENCING DISCOMFORT
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Yes, actually, Grady Sizemore has been complaining about his groin...
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YEAH YOU WANT TO TREAT WOOD LIKE HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM GROINS AND ORIFICES
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Wuh wuh what am I supposed to do?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: LET HIM SIT FOR SIX-TO-EIGHT WEEKS, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TRY TO WARM HIM UP AGAIN HE SHOULD BE FINE
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: We acquired him from the Cubs thinking he would-
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: NO DICE BLOCKHEAD, YOU DIDN'T "ACQUIRE HIM" FROM THE CUBS
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YOU "ACQUIRED HIM" FROM THE SLIPPERY BATHROOM SH*TBASKET WE DROPPED HIM IN AFTER EIGHT YEARS OF HAVIN TO LOOK AT HIS DAMN BONES
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: TAKE IT UP WITH YOUR GM, OUR HANDS ARE WIPED, SUCKER
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Our GM assured us that he looked great and would be healthy this season...
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YOUR GM HAS ALOPECIA OF THE BRAIN, I KNOW GUYS RUNNIN CUSS WORD WEBCOMICS ON THE INTERNETS WHO KNOW MORE ABOUT KERRY WOOD THAN THAT GUY
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: 98% OF BEIN A GM IS A CRAPSHOOT, AND THE OTHER 2% IS NOT SIGNING KERRY WOOD OR MARK PRIOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHY DO YOU GUYS KEEP TRADING WITH US, ANYWAY, WE'RE F***ING TERRIBLE
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: TRADE WITH ONE OF THE OTHER 28 TEAMS FOR GODS SAKES
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: speaking of, do you guys still have Felix Pie, one thing Cleveland needs is another outfielder to bat .223
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: NO, WE THREW HIM OFF A BRIDGE FROM A MOVING CAR, HE LANDED ON A TRASH BARGE
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Felix Pie plays for Baltimore?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: BEFORE YOU GO, I HAVE A BURLAP SACK FULL OF BONES AND STEAMING OFFAL
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: IT CAN THROW 95, DO YOU WANT IT
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: ... yes!!!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /hangs up
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: idiot
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: OKAY HOFFPAUIR, HOW FAR ALONG ARE WE IN YOUR DEVELOPMENT
	SnowstormCutsHoffpauir: i think i've got ... metal... in my heart...
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: ATTA BOY /pats on back /pricks finger
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: UP NEXT WE'RE GONNA WORK ON BATTERS EYE /reveals morningstar

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

2-28-2009 @ 10:13AM

pipkin4242 said...

Angry Lou! Wire references! This Dugout was especially designed to melt my heart. Good job.

I especially liked this:

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: 98% OF BEIN A GM IS A CRAPSHOOT, AND THE OTHER 2% IS NOT SIGNING KERRY WOOD OR MARK PRIOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

2-28-2009 @ 3:22PM

andrew.jonathan said...

2 outstanding lines:

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHY DO YOU GUYS KEEP TRADING WITH US, ANYWAY, WE'RE F***ING TERRIBLE

and...

PostcardsFromTheWedge: Felix Pie plays for Baltimore?

It's a win/win.

2-28-2009 @ 6:23PM

Donut King said...

Ahhhh, yes. Harkens me back to this little ditty from the Halcyon P-Boi Days:

http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/archive/nick144.htm

Beautiful stuff.

3-01-2009 @ 2:58PM

Paul150 said...

First time commenting, but a big fan. I especially liked:

SHUT THE F*** UP, HOFFPAUIR, BEFORE I PISTOL WHIP YOU WITH MY HAT

As always, good dugout, B.