The Dugout: Horseplay

The picture to your right is not of former Oriole Kris Benson throwing a pitch. He tried to wave goodbye to a friend and his arm just snapped back like that.

In baseball news you may have missed (because you could not possibly care about it), the former first pick in the 1996 draft and perennial bench-grimacer signed a minor league contract last Saturday with the Texas Rangers. He pitched two solid innings in the Rangers Wednesday opener. Huh.

Tonight's Dugout, alternately titled "Return of the Living Dead," is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Texas Rangers Non-Roster Invitee Spring Training Chatroom!
	maddux.xmission.net: Welcome to the Texas Rangers non-roster invitee Spring Training Chatroom!
	maddux.xmission.net: You may remember me as a journeyman relief pitcher, the older brother of Greg Maddux, or as the baseball player voted Most Likely To Be Major Dad
	AndHedges: wow, are you really related to Greg Maddux?
	maddux.xmission.net: Yep, we were born in the same log cabin over 200 years ago!
	AndHedges: any major differences I should know about?
	maddux.xmission.net: Well, Greg is inarguably one of the greatest pitchers of all time and I used to get a paycheck teaching Expos.
	maddux.xmission.net: Also, Greg urinates on rookies literally, while I like to take a broader, more figurative approach to pissing on a player.
	AndHedges: good news for me I guess
	AndHedges: Anyway, I'm Kris Benson, you may remember me for marrying a life-sucking stripper and sitting out seven of my eight years in the Major Leagues
	maddux.xmission.net: oh god YOUR WIFEEE, I almost forgot to ask, she still a golddigger?
	AndHedges: these days she mostly digs for recyclables
	maddux.xmission.net: yeah well you're still pulling in that big minor leagues money, what're you making this year, 20, 22 mil?
	AndHedges: only 18 million, and it's spread over one season
	maddux.xmission.net: we all feel the crunch of these enhardened economic times
	maddux.xmission.net: anyway, let me show you around... this is the Texas Rangers Spring Training Facility!
	AndHedges: oh, is that where I am, I thought this was a really big Goodwill
	maddux.xmission.net: to your right, you can see our rehabilitation center, where we work to get our players off of drugs...
	AllAboutTheHamiltons: doc, I'm tempted to use heroin again, what should I do
	Doctor: Try this: get an unbelievable amount of heroin and keep shooting it nonstop until you're tired. Everyone will be impressed, and you won't be able to do any more heroin for the rest of the year
	maddux.xmission.net: ...and if you look to your left, you can see our debilitation center, where we encourage our players to do drugs...
	ReedItAndWeep: put your hands over your ears, Taylor, I'm going to put something alchemistic up your butt
	ArcadiaTeagarden: /covers ears, bends over
	MadrigalMysteryTour: jerry, you got any more 'a that dugong hormone, it makes muh head nice an' fat
	ReedItAndWeep: just hold tight, I'll make you a milkshake
	AndHedges: haha does Shrek's wife play for your team?
	maddux.xmission.net: Madrigal was once a beautiful princess, and look at him now. Just another life we're proud to have ruined in the Rangers organization.
	AndHedges: soo... when do I get to throw a couple of pitches and complain about "tightness?"
	maddux.xmission.net: I don't know, maybe when we get to see your wife?
	AndHedges: where IS my wife, I know she was around here somewhere /looks around
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the locker rooms...
	RobertGuillaume: hee hee, so, I hear you're hung like a horse!
	o_captain_my_captain: NAAAAAAAYYY
	RobertGuillaume: oh, well, that's disappointing have our lives really sunk to this, Captain?
	o_captain_my_captain: /gives high-five
	RobertGuillaume: I guess this is slightly less embarrassing than having sex with Rodrigo Lopez