Beware the Dugouts of March: The Arizona Diamondbacks' 2009 Preview

Jon was supposed to cover the Diamondbacks yesterday to close out our Spring preview of the NL West, but he got busy and I will be taking over today. I know you were expecting something wacky and facetious, but this is the Diamondbacks, and Arizona is a franchise deserving only the most reserved, tactful perspective. My original idea was to cover all of the new faces in the ballpark this year and the ramifications of agism and maturity in baseball, but then I remembered that D. Baxter the Bobcat was arrested for DUI and all I could type was "lol" with a bunch of o's in the middle. As a Cleveland resident, I eagerly await the story about Slider punching a woman in the face.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the September 2008 in Arizona Chatroom!
	SilentBobcat: /drives Diamondbacks-themed Toyota Scion, swigs repeatedly from bottle of Boones Farm, swerves wildly, sings obnoxiously through plush head
	SilentBobcat: JUST DANCE! GONNA BE OKAY! BA DOOP A DEE A JUST DANCE... THAT RECORD BAY, BOP A DOO-EE JUST DANCE!
	SilentBobcat: /makes falling asleep at the wheel fun
	Online Host A Lady Cop has entered the chatroom.
	SilentBobcat: oh sh** /notices police lights in rearview mirror
	SilentBobcat: /eats entire bag of catnip
	Online Host SilentBobcat has yielded to police.
	LadyCop: /approaches car Excuse me sir, do you have any idea how fast you were go- /pauses /stares
	SilentBobcat: /is grown man wearing full-body cat costume with baseball uniform for a team named after a snake
	LadyCop: /rests head on roof of car
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "excuse me officer, what seems to be the trouble?"
	LadyCop: lord excuse me sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going
	SilentBobcat: /shrugs, scratches head
	LadyCop: is part of the illusion supposed to be that while you are a seven foot tall cat man who wears clothes and loves baseball you were not engineered with human speech?
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "I was late for an important engagement, and I will try to be safer from now on"
	LadyCop: what
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "my wife is pregnant, and I have to get her to the hospital before she gives birth in the car"
	LadyCop: what the hell are you trying to say to me
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "I'm having trouble speaking because I barfed in the cat head a minute ago and am nose deep in a puddle of my own spew"
	LadyCop: then take off ya damn hat head
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "I can't, removing the head would break kayfabe and I would lose my job"
	LadyCop: Why, are you supposed to be fun for the kids or something
	SilentBobcat: /nods
	LadyCop: how would the kiddies feel about you getting sh*tfaced and driving around all stupid listening to Lady Gaga
	SilentBobcat: /shrugs
	LadyCop: really
	SilentBobcat: /pantomimes "well, we have a lot of kids in from Los Angeles"
	SilentBobcat: /also pantomimes "but I haven't been drinking, I swear!"
	LadyCop: oh really what would you say is the best song on that Lady Gaga album
	SilentBobcat: /skips to track five /pantomimes "my favorite song on the CD is 'Eh Eh'"
	LadyCop: yep, you been drinking, step out of the car please
	SilentBobcat: /slowly reaches for T-shirt gun
	LadyCop: FREEZE /draws pistol GET OUT OF THE CAR AND KEEP YOUR PAWS WHERE I CAN SEE EM
	SilentBobcat: /raises arms, slowly steps out of car
	SilentBobcat: /stumbles into street, loses head /puke-filled cat head rolls down 95th avenue
	LadyCop: what strange series of events occured in your life to lead you to this exact moment?
	SilentBobcat: hey, I... I think I recognize you... aren't you a cop from Detroit? Yeah, and from Washington... and New York!
	LadyCop: no sir, you're thinking of my sisters who are also lady cops... we're like Officer Jenny from Pokémon
	Online Host Meanwhile, across town...
	AngryFather: MELVIN! YOU SAID THE DIAMONDBACKS WOULD MAKE MY DAUGHTER'S SIXTH BIRTHDAY FUN!
	TheMelvin: I uh, well you see, I, uh...
	AngryFather: ENTERTAIN US!
	TheMelvin: uhh... uhhhh... /looks around AUGIE! Show the little girl how good you are at juggling!
	AugieDoggie: Sure thing, skip! Little girl, look how good I am!
	AugieDoggie: /throws bowling pin into air /lets bowling pin drop two feet in front of him
	LittleGirl: /cries

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-14-2009 @ 7:27PM

Donut King said...

"SilentBobcat: JUST DANCE! GONNA BE OKAY! BA DOOP A DEE A JUST DANCE... THAT RECORD BAY, BOP A DOO-EE JUST DANCE!"

If I never heard that song ever again, I could be a happy man.

Anyway, great work.

3-16-2009 @ 2:28PM

Rob said...

"SilentBobcat: /slowly reaches for T-shirt gun"

I laughed VERY loudly at that, causing coworkers to glare. Just the concept of him suddenly deciding to use it as armament is perhaps the best thing ever.