Beware the Dugouts of March: The Minnesota Twins' 2009 Preview

Here is everything you need to know about Minnesota: they have the biggest mall on Earth, it is negative thirty-eight degrees in the middle of July, nobody would ever want to go there, and their baseball team is next up for the AL Central leg of our The Dugout Spring Training Event.

We started it off yesterday with the Detroit Tigers, so give that a read if you haven't yet. And check back tomorrow when we cover the Royals and the White Sox, and it's all really biased because I am an Indians fan, and the closest I will come to "winning" is insulting people anonymously on the Internet.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	RonGarde: /looks through VHS tapes
	CorporalKlinger: So how did the boys, do, Ron?
	RonGarde: /discards clamshell of Little Big League Surprisingly well. They've really taken to the concept of independent filmmaking.
	RonGarde: And it shouldn't be surprising, with Minnesota's history of great cinema. They filmed "The Wrestler" here, you know.
	CorporalKlinger: Wow, really? Mickey Rourke was great in that.
	RonGarde: Not that one, the old one, with Ed Asner and Verne Gagne.
	CorporalKlinger: Oh. /thinks about it for a second Oh. How's the acting in that one?
	RonGarde: Must-see. There's a great scene where Lord James Blears flips out in a grocery store because they won't let him wear his monocle while he slices beef
	CorporalKlinger: That's the kind of intensity I'm looking for. This year's "THIS IS TWINS TERRITORY" commercials have to be the best ever.
	RonGarde: I would put these up against Mallrats or ANY of the classic motion pictures made in Minnesota, all of which I will name now: Fargo, Purple Rain, and the two Grumpy Old Mens
	CorporalKlinger: Well, let's eee what you've got!
	RonGarde: /pushes in tape
	Online Host Commercial #1 Welcome to the Wilderness of Minnesota Chatroom!
	FromVictorToKelly: I- I- I don't like this, Cliff! /shuffles through snow
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: Stop yer whinin', Kelly, Old Man Pohlad's farm is just up ahead... /ducks under branch
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: All we gotta do is sneak under yonder fence an' snatch one'r his chickens!
	FromVictorToKelly: Shhh... didja hear that??
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: No more a yer bellyachin'! It's jess the rumblin' of yer stomach... follow me, we'll be dinin' like kings in no ti- /turns
	LawnMauer: /pokes barrell of shotgun under Cliff Lee's nose
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: /eyes bulge I... I... I... we was...
	LawnMauer: /wipes nose /pulls trigger
	Online Host THIS IS TWINS TERRITORY.
	RonGarde: /gushes, waits for compliments
	CorporalKlinger: I like it! But I don't love it.
	RonGarde: What didn't you like?
	CorporalKlinger: Baseless murdering over property screams "Americana," but where's the hook for today's younger, more diverse audience?
	RonGarde: ...do you want me to make it more "urban?"
	CorporalKlinger: well, I was going to tell you to "black it up a little," but "urban" works, yeah
	RonGarde: I've got just the thing! /pushes in tape
	Online Host Commercial #2 Welcome to the Downtown Minneapolis Chatroom!
	BenFranciscoGiants: /spraypaints "ARE YOU IN THE TRIBE" onto brick wall
	TonySipprano: a ha ha! ay, atll teach em minnesota n***as not to run up on da aL sEnTraLL
	BenFranciscoGiants: yee yee
	Online Host A bat has been whipped into the alleyway, knocking the spraypaint out of Ben Francisco's hands (not difficult)
	BenFranciscoGiants: AY! Who threw th-
	Online Host Another bat flies into the alleyway, striking Ben Francisco in the head.
	BenFranciscoGiants: gruuukk /collapses
	TonySipprano: WHO THREW THAT?? HUH?? ANSWER ME! WHERE YOU AT! /looks around, sees nothing
	TonySipprano: MAN THIS AINT FAIR, YOU HIDIN AN SH**, COME OUT AN FIGHT LIKE A REAL MAN HELLO /stumbles frantically down alleyway
	TonySipprano: /hears nothing but silence
	TonySipprano: WHERE ARE YOUUUU /turns around
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: here /smashes Tony Sipp in head with baseball bat
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: boom, bitch
	Online Host THIS IS TWINS TERRITORY.
	RonGarde: Delmon had a lot of fun filming that. We let him actually beat up the Indians!
	CorporalKlinger: Won't Cleveland be mad that we assaulted one of their outfielders?
	RonGarde: Naaah. They wouldn't call it a "platoon" if they didn't expect somebody to die.
	CorporalKlinger: Well Ron, these are both great commercials, and you certainly blacked it up like a piece of salmon, but ... oh, I don't know.
	RonGarde: What are you looking for? We filmed about 50 commercials.
	RonGarde: We've got one with Denard Span playing RISK, one where Carlos Gomez tries out a variety of shampoos... oh, how about this one, this is an anime starring Boof Bonser!
	CorporalKlinger: No, no... again, these are all great, but we need something that screams "Minnesota." Something that defines our team.
	CorporalKlinger: Something you watch and go "that is everything I need to know about the Twins."
	RonGarde: /thinks about it
	RonGarde: /pushes in video tape
	Online Host Commercial #3
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: duhhhhh, I play for the TWINS, duhhhhh /smacks self in chest with side of hand
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: look at me, i play baseball in a civic center, i trade away all of my players as soon as they get good
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /puts trash bag over head
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /dies completely before second round of playoffs
	Online Host THIS IS TWINS TERRITORY.
	CorporalKlinger: Perfect.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-17-2009 @ 6:36PM

andrew.jonathan said...

And that sums up exactly how I feel about the Twinkies. Boom, Bitch.

3-17-2009 @ 7:14PM

Donut King said...

BEE THMPSOM STROD IS A TRRIBLE WRITR WHY IS HE ON OAL WASTNG R TIME WTH HUMRLSS GARBGE LIK THS!!!!!!!!!11

/wakes up

Oh. Much better.

3-17-2009 @ 9:23PM

Mike Fireball said...

Oh my God ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet is an excellent screen name.

3-18-2009 @ 11:20AM

Cleveland's Ballclub Has Certain Flaws said...

Here is one other thing you need to know about Minnesota: their professional baseball team has actually won the World Series when the people reading this were alive and phenomenae such as "rock and roll" and "integrated toilets" and "Muppets" existed. But hey, one more year and you'll be able to transition from Hefty Bag jokes to Adjacent to A Garbage Burner jokes. So there's that.

(uh also everything in the Spring Training series has made me die laughing so far, keep it up, etc.)

3-18-2009 @ 3:08AM

jessesigler61 said...

Sort of like the Twins traded away C.C. Sabathia for absolutely nothing to help "rebuild" a team that was in the World Series just a year prior.

Oh, wait.