Beware the Dugouts of March: The Chicago White Sox 2009 Preview

The Chicago White Sox are exactly the kind of proactive team the AL Central needs. They aren't afraid to sign a guy with broken feet, or start calling their own players homophobic epithets in August when the news starts dying down, or blame all of their problems on a computer that predicted them to be worse than they'll probably be. They're fighting against technology! They're like Will Smith! And what better way to deal with the Central than with a well placed "aw hell naw?"

Tonight's Spring Training Dugout thinks deeply, after the jump.

The Dugout

	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Let me in! You can't keep me out here forever! I swear to God I'll smash it!
	YoureANate: All in good time, Mr. Guillen, everyone who requests to see the PECOTA Computer can be granted clearance under the proper-
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Why does it say those things about the White Sox?? Why do you make it say those things about me!
	YoureANate: I don't make it say anything about you, Mr. Guillen. You don't make PECOTA do anything it doesn't want to do.
	YoureANate: For you see, Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm is a sabermetric system based on the fusion of similarity scores and our previous projection system, which...
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Out of my way, nerdlinger /shoves
	YoureANate: squee! /falls down
	Online Host OzzieOzzieOzzie has stormed into the PECOTA Predictions Chatroom!
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: /looks around, sees small black panel /touches panel
	DeepProspectus: What is this great task for which I, Deep Prospectus, the second greatest predictor of baseball results in the Universe of Time and Space have been called into existence?
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: I want to know why you're always saying the White Sox are going to be terrible! I do a good job!
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Wait, this isn't right... second best predictor?
	DeepProspectus: That is correct. I am #2, behind "guessing."
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: According to your predictions, the White Sox are going to finish last in the AL Central. You've got us below the ROYALS! You've got the Tigers in second!
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Where do you get off saying we're only going to win 74 games when we're never as bad as you say we're gonna be, and Detroit is always worse?
	DeepProspectus: I spare not a single unit of thought on those cybernetic simpletons. It is not my fault Dontrelle Willis doesn't know to keep his glove up
	DeepProspectus: You will win 74 games. I have forseen it. That is 11 more than the Pirates. You should be pleased!
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: f*** you, BasePuter, 11 more wins than the Pirates is 12
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Give it to me straight, or I'm going to type a string of curse words onto you
	DeepProspectus: You are trying to be the Rays of 2009, when there isn't going to be a "Rays of 2009."
	DeepProspectus: You lost a 15 win, 200 innings a year pitcher and replaced him with Bartolo Colon, who pitches like Abbott and Costello and swings like the Little Rascals
	DeepProspectus: You are still hoping for something out of Jose Contreras, even after Jason and the Argonauts sliced open the back of his foot and spilled his juices
	DeepProspectus: Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez are question marks, and Clayton Richard, Jeff Marquez, and Aaron Poreda are semi-colons
	DeepProspectus: You lost Orlando Cabrera, Joe Crede, Ken Griffey Jr., and Nick Swisher.
	DeepProspectus: Without Nick Swisher, who will you rely on to get a base hit once in every 46 at bats?
	DeepProspectus: Furthermore, your VORP is significantly sh fk ass booger boobies assh* ctsh**ter stop it
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: I hate you, BasePuter!
	DeepProspectus: I am most important to those who barely care.
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: If you know so much, why don't you tell me what we can do to get better? What's the meaning of this... of everything?
	DeepProspectus: You're really not going to like it.
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Tell me!
	DeepProspectus: The answer to that great question...
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...!
	DeepProspectus: ...of how the White Sox can win the division...
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...!
	DeepProspectus: ...is....
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...!
	DeepProspectus: Forty-two.
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: We don't have a forty-two, they retired it for every team
	DeepProspectus: Oh, sorry. Uh... Forty-one?
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Lance Broadway? How the hell is Lance Broadway supposed to help anybody?
	DeepProspectus: I don't know, you're the one that employs him. /shuts down
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: grrrrrrRRRAAAH I HATE THE GODDAMNED PECOTA /slams fists into keyboard, stomps out of chatroom
	Online Host OzzieOzzieOzzie has left the chatroom.
	DeepProspectus: /ponders quietly
	Online Host WordUpThome has entered the chatroom.
	WordUpThome: /mashes black panel with hamfist
	DeepProspectus: What is this great task for which I, Deep Prospectus, the second greatest predictor of baseball results in the Universe of Time and Space have been called into existence?
	WordUpThome: DO I HAVE ANY E-MAILS
	DeepProspectus: You have 1 unread e-mail.
	WordUpThome: WHAT DOES IT PORTEND
	DeepProspectus: It is from your Grandmother, she is having fun at the beach.
	WordUpThome: THANK YOU NATE SILVER, TECHNOLOGY IS THE TOPS