The Chicago White Sox are exactly the kind of proactive team the AL Central needs. They aren't afraid to sign a guy with broken feet, or start calling their own players homophobic epithets in August when the news starts dying down, or blame all of their problems on a computer that predicted them to be worse than they'll probably be. They're fighting against technology! They're like Will Smith! And what better way to deal with the Central than with a well placed "aw hell naw?"Tonight's Spring Training Dugout thinks deeply, after the jump.
The Dugout
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Let me in! You can't keep me out here forever! I swear to God I'll smash it! |
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YoureANate: All in good time, Mr. Guillen, everyone who requests to see the PECOTA Computer can be granted clearance under the proper- |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Why does it say those things about the White Sox?? Why do you make it say those things about me! |
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YoureANate: I don't make it say anything about you, Mr. Guillen. You don't make PECOTA do anything it doesn't want to do. |
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YoureANate: For you see, Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm is a sabermetric system based on the fusion of similarity scores and our previous projection system, which... |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Out of my way, nerdlinger /shoves |
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YoureANate: squee! /falls down |
| **Online Host** OzzieOzzieOzzie has stormed into the PECOTA Predictions Chatroom! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: /looks around, sees small black panel /touches panel |
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DeepProspectus: What is this great task for which I, Deep Prospectus, the second greatest predictor of baseball results in the Universe of Time and Space have been called into existence? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: I want to know why you're always saying the White Sox are going to be terrible! I do a good job! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Wait, this isn't right... second best predictor? |
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DeepProspectus: That is correct. I am #2, behind "guessing." |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: According to your predictions, the White Sox are going to finish last in the AL Central. You've got us below the ROYALS! You've got the Tigers in second! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Where do you get off saying we're only going to win 74 games when we're never as bad as you say we're gonna be, and Detroit is always worse? |
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DeepProspectus: I spare not a single unit of thought on those cybernetic simpletons. It is not my fault Dontrelle Willis doesn't know to keep his glove up |
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DeepProspectus: You will win 74 games. I have forseen it. That is 11 more than the Pirates. You should be pleased! |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: f*** you, BasePuter, 11 more wins than the Pirates is 12 |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Give it to me straight, or I'm going to type a string of curse words onto you |
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DeepProspectus: You are trying to be the Rays of 2009, when there isn't going to be a "Rays of 2009." |
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DeepProspectus: You lost a 15 win, 200 innings a year pitcher and replaced him with Bartolo Colon, who pitches like Abbott and Costello and swings like the Little Rascals |
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DeepProspectus: You are still hoping for something out of Jose Contreras, even after Jason and the Argonauts sliced open the back of his foot and spilled his juices |
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DeepProspectus: Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez are question marks, and Clayton Richard, Jeff Marquez, and Aaron Poreda are semi-colons |
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DeepProspectus: You lost Orlando Cabrera, Joe Crede, Ken Griffey Jr., and Nick Swisher. |
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DeepProspectus: Without Nick Swisher, who will you rely on to get a base hit once in every 46 at bats? |
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DeepProspectus: Furthermore, your VORP is significantly sh** f**k ass booger boobies assh*** c**tsh**ter stop it |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: I hate you, BasePuter! |
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DeepProspectus: I am most important to those who barely care. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: If you know so much, why don't you tell me what we can do to get better? What's the meaning of this... of everything? |
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DeepProspectus: You're really not going to like it. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Tell me! |
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DeepProspectus: The answer to that great question... |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...! |
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DeepProspectus: ...of how the White Sox can win the division... |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...! |
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DeepProspectus: ...is.... |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yes ...! |
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DeepProspectus: Forty-two. |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: We don't have a forty-two, they retired it for every team |
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DeepProspectus: Oh, sorry. Uh... Forty-one? |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: Lance Broadway? How the hell is Lance Broadway supposed to help anybody? |
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DeepProspectus: I don't know, you're the one that employs him. /shuts down |
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OzzieOzzieOzzie: grrrrrrRRRAAAH I HATE THE GODDAMNED PECOTA /slams fists into keyboard, stomps out of chatroom |
| **Online Host** OzzieOzzieOzzie has left the chatroom. |
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DeepProspectus: /ponders quietly |
| **Online Host** WordUpThome has entered the chatroom. |
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WordUpThome: /mashes black panel with hamfist |
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DeepProspectus: What is this great task for which I, Deep Prospectus, the second greatest predictor of baseball results in the Universe of Time and Space have been called into existence? |
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WordUpThome: DO I HAVE ANY E-MAILS |
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DeepProspectus: You have 1 unread e-mail. |
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WordUpThome: WHAT DOES IT PORTEND |
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DeepProspectus: It is from your Grandmother, she is having fun at the beach. |
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WordUpThome: THANK YOU NATE SILVER, TECHNOLOGY IS THE TOPS |
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Ooo, sick burn. If I was a White Sock I'd be pretty glum right now. :-(
I wonder how accurate PECOTA would be if not for players using or no longer using steroids.
WordUpThome is my hero. That is all.