Beware the Dugouts of March: The Cleveland Indians' 2009 Preview

It's almost like he never existed. I moved to Ohio a few years ago, at the height of Pronkamania. Travis Haftner was the superhero of Cleveland, had his own candybar, and had just hit sixty-two grand slams in three games. Now you can go into any discount clothing store and find Hafner's jersey (in both "Hafner" and "Pronk" varieties) on the discount rack beside C.C. Sabathia and Casey Blake. It's not like he's injured, it's like he's gone. Like he never existed.

Well, it is 2009 and Project Donkey is back, ready to hit .117 with 0 homeruns and 2 RBI in 162 games! Tonight's Wahoo Messenger is after the jump! In PRONKVILLE~!

The Dugout

	PostcardsFromTheWedge: We don't want anything weird to happen and hurt you, so we're gonna take this one step at a time.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: I'm going to leave the baseball sitting in the soft grass, and I want you to walk over and pick it up. /drops baseball
	Pronky_Kong: you sure I'm ready for this? I was thinking I could sit out another season or two, see how I feel
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: /nods toward baseball
	Pronky_Kong: aww awright
	Pronky_Kong: /bends over slowly, picks up ball, tosses it up a few times
	Pronky_Kong: Hey! This feels pretty good!
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: No broken bones? No dislocations? Nobody drove onto the field and hit you with a car or anything?
	Pronky_Kong: Nope! /checks self
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: That's great, Donk! Now let's see that 2009 Travis Hafner Power Swing!
	Pronky_Kong: /tosses ball straight up into the air /swings
	Online Host Pronky_Kong has hit a frozen rope that lands between home plate and the pitchers mound.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: That's... progress!
	Pronky_Kong: You think I could maybe be in the lineup regularly again?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: I sure do, as long as you stay healthy.
	Pronky_Kong: Hmm... I wonder why I haven't gotten hurt yet?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: I don't know, maybe your luck has turned around. Maybe Lonnie Soloff is finally done pretending he's the "mold in your house" guy from that one episode of King of the Hill
	Pronky_Kong: Or maybe I'm a part of some weird Final Destination thing
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Final Destination thing? I don't follow.
	Pronky_Kong: You know, Final Destination. Like the movie.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: You'll have to fill me in, the only movie I've ever seen is "Road House."
	Pronky_Kong: well in the movie, Eminem's biggest fan Stan has a vision that he and his friends are going to die in a plane crash, so he convinces them not to get on a flight to Paris, and then the plane blows up
	Pronky_Kong: but they were meant to die, so death incarnate stalks and kills them one by one
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: so what you're saying is
	Pronky_Kong: what I'm saying is that maybe "hurt" incarnate is going to stalk and kill my friends because I am staying healthy
	Pronky_Kong: haha no, I don't know, that can't be it /tosses ball around
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: wull now that you mention it, we're the only people on the field right now... /looks around where is everybody?
	Online Host IlGrandeFausto has entered the chatroom holding his arm.
	IlGrandeFausto: Coach! I was struck in the arm by a linedrive and now I've got six smaller elbows where my elbow should be!
	IlGrandeFausto: I'm going to probably have to miss out on... all of the baseball
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Fausto! If you're out, who is going to be our Major League II version of Rick Vaughn?
	Online Host MillerOund has entered the chatroom holding his hand.
	MillerOund: wargggg
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Oh God, Adam Miller! What the hell happened to your hand?
	MillerOund: coach, I'm from plain 'o Texas, I couldn't take these Cleveland drivers anymore
	MillerOund: a fat lady in a sweatsuit pushing a cheeseburger into her mouth with the end of her cellphone forgot to look or signal and almost ran me off the road in her Hummer H8, which is like a Hummer H3 with another Hummer H3 upside down on top of it
	MillerOund: I flipped her off so hard that my middle finger got bone-itis and snapped around all weird
	MillerOund: I hope she saw it because I was doing it as hard as I could
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: enough with the mumbo jumbo, give it to me in English
	MillerOund: my finger is hurt, and because of this I WILL NEVER PLAY BASEBALL AGAIN
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: can't you get surgery on your finger??
	MillerOund: i wanted to, but I walked in with my finger like this and all the doctors got pissed off at me
	Online Host biscuits_and_grady has entered the chatroom holding his groin.
	biscuits_and_grady: Argh, my groin!
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: What happened now?
	biscuits_and_grady: I was supposed to get on an airplane but I had second thoughts, and then the airplane flew directly into my crotch and exploded
	biscuits_and_grady: arghh, I'm so day-to-day!
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: what the
	Online Host lumberjacks_kerrywood has entered the chatroom.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: oh christ, I don't want to even hear what you have to say
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: you'll never believe what happened to me, skip
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: nope, don't want to hear it
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: it started off like any normal day! I was-
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la /covers ears
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: /looks
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: /is still talking
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: la la la la
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: come on Coach, you should at least know how my story ends
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: ... is the ending good?
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: I wouldn't say that it's not not good
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: all right, how does it end
	lumberjacks_kerrywood: with the grim reaper stabbing me in the heart with his scythe

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-21-2009 @ 1:54AM

Donut King said...

Kerry Wood - n. 1) A season-ending injury waiting to happen.

3-21-2009 @ 11:42PM

Adam said...

This stuff is not funny. Can we have some real sports reporting?

3-22-2009 @ 9:16AM

albanyshaker said...

Glad you asked, sorry about the confusion! Here for some real sports reporting!

http://sports.yahoo.com/
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/fronts/SPORTS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME
http://www.cbssports.com/

(A Worldwide Leader was intentionally excluded as no one really cares what Joe Torre thinks about what Derek Jeter thinks about Alex Rodriguez, or eighty thousand combinations thereof.)

3-22-2009 @ 10:55AM

Well played, albany. Couldn't have said it better myself.

3-23-2009 @ 10:39AM

Ragingape said...

I think most Cleveland fans would be willing to let Hafner die if it meant that Sizemore would stay healthy.

3-23-2009 @ 8:12PM

Rob said...

One wonders why you'd come to something proclaiming to be a MLB messenger-based parody for your 'real sports reporting', Adam. Do you go to Burger King for prime cuts of steak?

Long live the dugout.