Beware the Dugouts of March: the Kansas City Royals' 2009 Preview

As longtime readers of The Dugout are aware, the Royals are one of our pet franchises. We tend to ignore teams like the Astros, mostly because we're too busy writing story arcs about an obscure Royals utility infielder possessing superhuman abilities, or the Royals' owner assuming the role of a contemporary Satan, or the Royals' manager living out of a grocery cart.

Kyle Farnsworth's acquisition certainly does not help with this. Neither does Sidney Ponson's. By the way, I'd like to point out that in the Dugout universe, the Royals ~~captured~~ acquired Ponson months before it happened in real life. Another example of life imitating Dugout. Sidney Ponson is horrible. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Kyle Farnsworth and Coco Crisp are stranded in a massive, dark, rancid-smelling network of caverns.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey i'm kyle farnsworth, whats yer name
	SoggyInMilk: sigh Coco Crisp.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ahahahahahhahaha
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey i'm kyle farnsworth, whats yer name
	SoggyInMilk: . . .
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey hey whats yer name
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: cmon whats yer name
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey whats yer name
	SoggyInMilk: sighhhhhhhh Coco Crisp.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: looooooooooool so yer a cereal so in modern householts yer servt in a cereal bowl with freshly crackt bison eggs
	SoggyInMilk: no, I -- bison eggs? What?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey guess what
	SoggyInMilk: What?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i have a billion dollars
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: APRIL FOOLS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey guess what i have a billion dollars
	SoggyInMilk: . . .
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: APRIL FOOLS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS, hey guess what i have a billion dollars, APRIL FOOLS
	SoggyInMilk: My God. Is it even April? There's no light in this cave. We have no way of knowing how many days have passed.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey guess what i have a
	SoggyInMilk: We need to build a fire. You see anything around we can burn?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: uh you what do you think ive been spenden the last fort-night doen
	SoggyInMilk: all right fine that was mildly funny But we're going to starve if we don't eat something. There's nothing in this cave but cow skeletons, fence posts, billboards, and the occasional mangled fast-food sign.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh my god we're in rural kansas
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: theres bount to be a stuckeys in here somewhere
	SoggyInMilk: I don't even know how I got here. I was asleep in my bed, and next thing I knew, I was here. What's the last thing you remember?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: throwen 2x4s at my neighbors cat then bam, trappt in a enormous cave with 9 essential vitamins an minerals
	SoggyInMilk: My God. MY GOD.
	SoggyInMilk: THIS IS NO CAVE
	OnlineHost Welcome to Kansas City Royals Clubhouse Chat!
	TreyHillMix: Fellas, meet our newest members of the team! /leads enormous, shackled beast into room
	Ponson1LegAtATime: rrRRRAAAGH
	GreinkeDinks: Oh my God, Sidney Ponson? I don't get it. Weren't we supposed to shore up our bullpen? Didn't we need to find another outfielder?
	TreyHillMix: Precisely.
	GreinkeDinks: Can he pitch?
	TreyHillMix: Oh f*** no he can't. But if this works as I think it will...
	TreyHillMix: Beast!
	Ponson1LegAtATime: /absent-mindedly knaws on utility infielder
	TreyHillMix: BEAST! I COMMAND YOUR ATTENTION!
	Ponson1LegAtATime: rrrrr?
	TreyHillMix: You have been traded to the Kansas City Royals.
	Ponson1LegAtATime: /furrows brows /buries face in shackled hands /weeps
	Ponson1LegAtATime: wh WHYYYYYYYYYY RAAAAAAAAARRRGHGHHH
	Ponson1LegAtATime: /vomits violent on clubhouse floor
	OnlineHost Kyle Farnsworth and Coco Crisp have been vomited into the chat room.
	GreinkeDinks: So that was your plan, huh? All that came out was old cereal and fecal matter.
	SoggyInMilk: aw
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: aw
	TreyHillMix: Crisp, you'll be starting at center. Farnsworth, you'll pitch 24.2 innings this year and engaging in zany bullpen antics with, uh, Joakim Soria I suppose.
	GoobleGobble: but what about me? how are we going to make erotic word plays?
	TreyHillMix: We've still got Lenny DiNardo for that. Sorry, we're releasing you. BEAST! RELEASE HIM!
	Ponson1LegAtATime: RRRARGH /eats Jimmy Gobble
	OnlineHost Jimmy Gobble has been gobbled.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lenny diNARDo haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh hey guess what i have a billion dollars
	TreyHillMix: what the f*** are dollars

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-21-2009 @ 2:00AM

Donut King said...

EPIC!

3-21-2009 @ 2:16AM

rt said...

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth:
/kicks lifeless pedestrian in crotch
/kicks lifeless pedestrian in crotch
/kicks lifeless pedestrian in crotch
/kicks lifeless pedestrian in crotch

3-22-2009 @ 3:53PM

JimDog said...

Gato:
But what about that time I brought out the whipped cream? You just got out of bed and started dancing around.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth:
i was ghost riden it