Beware the Dugouts of March: The Chicago Cubs' 2009 Preview

Tonight's Dugout represents a coming-together of every important Chicago-area story of the 2008-2009 offseason. If you click the jump to read more, you will learn why Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen have been having trouble on the telephone and why Lou Piniella hates Steve Phillips, and ultimately you will learn what is wrong with the United States of America. (spoiler alert, it is the democrats!)

Please to continue.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Chicago Cubs' Ringing Telephone Chatroom!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HULLO
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Sweet Lou! It's your old pal Ozzie! Ozzie Guillen! Of the Chicago White Sox! Eeeeeey! /double-thumbs over phone
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: UGH
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: hey listen, the next time we play each other, I was thinking we would use the DH, no matter which park we're in. 'Sat coo'?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHAT, WHO IS THIS
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: This is Ozzie Guillen. The Oz! We... we did a commercial together?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU THE SOUTH SIDE GUY YOU ARE, I CAN TELL
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Yeah! At 35th and Shields, we bowlingk after dark!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT I COULD GO TO [CAR HONKING NOISE]
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: well sure, but I was all in fu-
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /hangs up
	Online Host The phone is ringing again!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HULLO, WHO IS THIS
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Ths is... President Barack Obama! The President of the United States!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHAT
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Say listen, I'm a big fan of the Chicago White Sox, and since you're nearby, I was wondering if you could give them your best players. You know, on account a "the economy"
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: PORK BARRELLED SPENDING
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: excuse me
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: EARMARKED PORK BARRELLED SPENDING, IT'S GONNA RAISE TAXES
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: GOVERNMENT SPENDING
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: what do those words even mean, why are you saying them
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /hangs up
	Online Host The phone is ringing again!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING ME AT THIS HOUR /looks at watch, it is 3PM
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: Hi, this is.... Ernie Banks!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: OH HULLO MR. BANKS WHAT CAN I DO YA FOR
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: This computer is telling me that I'm terrible, how do I get the computer to stop being mean to me
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: OKAY I CAN WALK YOU THROUGH THIS, DO YOU USE NETSCAPE OR PRODIGY
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: No, the PECOTA computer
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HAVE YOU TRIED CUTTIN IT OFF AND THEN CUTTIN IT BACK ON
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: JIGGLE THE CORD
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: No, the PECOTA computer that does the baseball predictions is saying that... uh, Chicago... is going to be in last place in the... Central
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: PECOTA? BILL PECOTA SAID THAT
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YOU TELL THAT MUSTACHIOED PIECE OF ROYAL BLUE SH** THAT IF HE RUNS AFOUL OF US NORTHSIDE GUYS AGAIN WE WILL KICK HIM RIGHT IN HIS OTHER CAR HONKING SOUND
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /hangs up
	Online Host PiniellaOnTheDonkey is dialing...
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: HULLO, IS THIS THE ELITIST LIBERAL MEDIA
	LandPhill: sort of
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I BEEN IN THESE CHATROOMS FOR TOO DAMN LONG, THEY AREN'T FUNNY, I WANT REAL SPORTS REPORTING
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: TELL ME HOW MANY STATS SAM FULD HAD, IMMEDIATELY
	LandPhill: Lou, I'd love to help you, but... this is ESPN. We aren't "real sports reporting." We show dunks, and then hold tournaments for abstract concepts like "Who's More Where"
	LandPhill: If you want stats, I don't know, have you tried the Internet?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: THE INTERNET, IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE BLOGS
	LandPhill: that's the one!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /hangs up