Beware the Dugouts of March: The Houston Astros' 2009 Preview

The Astros exceeded expectations last season, but they still have some changes to make if they want the baseball world to see them as a serious contender. First, the bottom half of their tentative rotation (Brian Moehler, Russ Ortiz, the half of Mike Hampton that hasn't crumbled off) is looking pretty dicey. And second, their logo continues to look like that of an Internet service provider. Ever wonder why the cable guy never shows up on time? He's busy playing mediocre baseball in Texas.

Astros fans, your Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Houston Astros Chat!
	VanillaPudge: /answers phone Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	VanillaPudge: Unfortunately, ma'am, we are actually not an Internet service provider. We're a baseball team.
	VanillaPudge: Uh-huh. Thank you, ma'am, and have a great day. /hangs up /pulls off headset, looks over cubicle wall Hey boss?
	HanginWithMrCecil: Yep?
	VanillaPudge: I keep getting these calls from people who want me to troubleshoot their Internet connection.
	HanginWithMrCecil: Well, a lot of people think we're an Internet service provider because of our team logo.
	HanginWithMrCecil: Whenever you get those calls, just explain to them that it's not your problem, or lie to them and tell them there's an outage in their area.
	VanillaPudge: Just like a real ISP.
	HanginWithMrCecil: You got it.
	VanillaPudge: Hold on, got another call. Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	TimRussOrtizDead: Uh, yes, I would like to pitch a few innings this season. I'm in the system as Russ Ortiz.
	VanillaPudge: Russ Ortiz? That Russ Ortiz? How many innings do you intend to pitch?
	TimRussOrtizDead: 200, at least.
	VanillaPudge: ... Is this a prank call?
	TimRussOrtizDead: pfffffff hahaha yeah /hangs up
	VanillaPudge: lol /answers phone Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	god_doumit: yes, hello, i was wondering whether the astros could take a turn spending a season in the division cellar
	god_doumit: the toilet down here is stopped up and we wake up every morning covered in rat bites, and
	VanillaPudge: /hangs up
	VanillaPudge: ahem /answers phone Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	ICrappedMyHunterPence: hi i was wondering if i could play for the astros
	VanillaPudge: Sorry, ma'am, but--
	ICrappedMyHunterPence: i'm not a girl!
	VanillaPudge: Sorry, Craig Biggio, but--
	ICrappedMyHunterPence: i'm hunter pence!!!!
	VanillaPudge: How old are you?
	ICrappedMyHunterPence: twelve
	VanillaPudge: /hangs up
	VanillaPudge: /answers phone Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	MichaelTehader: hey, just wanted to let the team know that i'm probably going to receive probation for lying to congress
	MichaelTehader: specifically i will be prohibited from being any good at baseball anymore
	MichaelTehader: however, along with you, mike hampton, and russ ortiz, i feel that i can help continue our long-standing tradition of starting players who were pretty good in 2001
	VanillaPudge: oh god, that's what this is, isn't it
	MichaelTehader: yep. well, i'm gonna go watch Pearl Harbor while listening to that "who let the dogs out" song and misappropriating them both as 9/11 tributes, later dude
	VanillaPudge: welp /answers phone Houston Astros, how may I help you?
	CowboyCurtS: Yes! Hello! Hello? Someone hacked into my blog and told everybody I was retiring!
	CowboyCurtS: Your Internet service gave my computer a virus!
	VanillaPudge: Yes, well, I
	CowboyCurtS: I installed Bonzi Buddy but it didn't get rid of the virus on my monitor. I need a technician to come by.
	VanillaPudge: Look, sorry, this isn't a Internet service provider, so
	CowboyCurtS: I need to speak to a manager!
	VanillaPudge: I'm sorry, but this
	CowboyCurtS: Is this a recording?
	VanillaPudge: No, this is a 36-year-old catcher whose knees are about to fall off, I think you need to speak to
	CowboyCurtS: This is a recording, isn't it? I need to speak to a representative!
	VanillaPudge: Well you
	CowboyCurtS: REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE REPRESENTATIVE
	VanillaPudge: I
	CowboyCurtS: REPRESENTATIVE
	VanillaPudge: Hey, you were good in 2001, right? Want to play for the Astros?
	CowboyCurtS: OH GOD YES