Beware the Dugouts of March: The Florida Marlins' 2009 Preview

I agree with Hanley Ramirez: I hate haircuts. They never turn out looking like I want them to. I tell the barber that I want to look like Mark Paul Gosselaar circa the fifth season of Saved by the Bell (the one with Tori, where it looked like he had yellow toothpaste on his head) and I end up looking like Captain Kangaroo. Haircuts are bogus, and I should be able to wear my hair however I like. Why won't Major League Baseball leave me alone?

That's all I wanted to say. There isn't even a Dugout, I just wanted to say something about haircuts. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Barber: /absentmindedly snips at hair
	HanleyDown: I'm sick of this sh**.
	Barber: Try to stay still, Hanley, I don't want to cut your ear!
	fLORIdA: [from across the room, while flipping through a two-year old issue of Redbook] Hanley being Manny
	fLORIdA: hey Floyd, go ahead and cut his ear, and cut off those gold chains while you're at it
	HanleyDown: oh what, you got a problem with my chainz now
	fLORIdA: what do you want me to do, come to every game in a safari hat? Do you want to cook me in an immense cauldron
	fLORIdA: gold chains, dreadlocks... if I wanted my team to look like a tribe of Zulu Warriors I would've shipped your worthless asses to the Republic of Malawi, like I almost did
	Barber: The Florida Malawins?
	fLORIdA: hey Hanley, how fast can you run with a big plate in your lip
	HanleyDown: you lucky I'm strap down in this barbers chair, burkina fatso
	fLORIdA: and you're lucky that Logglobo Vlandignorf is allergic to malaria
	Barber: So, how short do you want this? /mists Hanley's head with pink water from spray bottle
	fLORIdA: Hurm. How short are you cutting the Yankees this season?
	Barber: I'm not. I just spin them around in the chair once and Hal Steinbrenner gives me three million dollars
	fLORIdA: so you're doing really well for yourself, I was wondering where you got all of these beautiful Patrick Nagel prints
	fLORIdA: /stretches out across chairs, peruses "youth" haircuts yep, doing pretty well for myself, too
	Barber: didn't you say you had one of our 6.95 adult haircut coupons
	fLORIdA: That's the kind of boss I am, using half of our yearly budget to cut my star player's hair
	fLORIdA: (Scott Proctor will be in here as soon as you're done pruning this guy)
	HanleyDown: "pruning," what, is that some kind of racist thing
	fLORIdA: no, of course not, you've got beautiful hair, it's not my fault you wear it like a bonsai tree
	Barber: How many party lines did you say you wanted again, Mr. Loria?
	HanleyDown: PARTY LINES
	fLORIdA: New club rule: Hanley Ramirez has to look like the guys from Kid N Play
	fLORIdA: Sorry, he who has the gold makes the rules, now that you're in the big leagues you've got to act like a professional
	HanleyDown: now i know where dontrelle got his anxiety disorders
	fLORIdA: Hold on, Floyd, new club rule: Hanley Ramirez has to have "DOIN' THA BUTT" shaved into the back of his head
	HanleyDown: you mother-
	fLORIdA: sorry, it is Marlins policy. Also, you have to wear candy necklaces
	HanleyDown: that's it, I demand to be traded... I want to go somewhere where I can have FUN again, somewhere like... Los Angeles!
	fLORIdA: /dismisses with wanking motion
	fLORIdA: the only place you're going to be traded is to shut up, with direct access to the center of my ass
	fLORIdA: besides, nobody is going to want to shoulder the burden of your six-month, 250 dollar contract. Nobody even knows who you are
	HanleyDown: People know who I am! I was the number one Fantasy Draft pick, bitch!
	fLORIdA: Floyd, do you have any idea who this guy is
	Barber: /stares for a few seconds Jose Reyes?
	fLORIdA: pfff, I wish
	HanleyDown: man, why did I agree to stay here for six years
	Barber: You know, everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Calvin Coolidge said that.
	fLORIdA: No, Floyd, that wasn't Calvin Coolidge that said that, it was Mark Twain.
	Barber: Then what did Calvin Coolidge say?