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MLB

The Dugout: Opening Day

Posted Apr 07, 2009 9:30PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Royals, White Sox, AL Central, The Dugout

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There is no greater time than the beginning of baseball season, especially when you write for a sports blog and you happen to be so beloved by the Christian God that he manipulates the happenstance of professional sports to make your feature better.

That's exactly what happened today, when the Kansas City Royals opened up their season in Chicago against the White Sox. If you don't know what happened, allow me to set the stage. The White Sox and Royals were supposed to open the season on Monday, but the conditions weren't perfect and the stars weren't aligned, and a bitter cold forced them to postpone the game for a day. The Royals were up 2-1, but when the White Sox came up to bat in the eighth... well, I'll let you read about it, because hahaha

The 2009 Dugout Season starts tonight, after the jump.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the "Opening Day" Chatroom!
Gilgameche: /pitches seven innings of one run ball

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /pats Meche on back


bitchen pitchen broheim, but if you could please take you're seat as it is now its time for the u.s. cellular field "dropped call of the night" kyle farnsworth
Gilgameche: Are... are you sure? I mean we just have to get through this inning and then we-
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: nope, pretty sure, as i am standen out here amongst you
Gilgameche: But don't we have Joakim Soria ready to go? Couldn't he... yeah, there he is, I can see him, he's waving to me
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yep he is waven good-bye to you now sit down before you meche this game up for us
**Online Host**
Gilgameche has reluctantly left the chatroom.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /stretches
/touches toes


/does 2,000 hindu squats
TheKillingFields: excuse me, what are you doing, could we continue playing baseball please

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: follow; but


follow only if ye be a man of valour, for the bases on this diamond are guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought it and lived
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: there are some who call me... lights out farnsworth
TheKillingFields: nobody calls you that

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh is that so


well i will have you know that my only begotten son st0ne calls me that because he cant get from the light-switch to the bed in the dark
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: although technically he calls me "lights out daddy"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the f**ken kid is like sixish years old now youd think he would start talken in complete sentences, he just sits in his room an cusses
TheKillingFields: /holds bat on shoulder

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: see if you like this pitch on for size, blogs call it the nickerlodeon special because it is "fake'n josh"


/throws fastball
**Online Host**
Josh Fields has reached on a bunt single to third.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: son of a
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ive accidentally thrown my normal fastball, that was not the nickerlodeon special you'll recognize that because it has a "special delivery"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh great gravy who is this honky
SinginInDeWayne: sup
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: have you ever watched the televised progrum "the wire"
SinginInDeWayne: nah
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: have you perchance viewed all five seasons of "the wayans brothers"
SinginInDeWayne: hell yeah n***a thats my show
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: good, then you will enjoy my necks pitch entitle "the in living color pitch" because it is served up like a fresh beat from d.j. sw1

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /does an approximation of "the Roger Rabbit"


/throws fastball
SinginInDeWayne: /flies out to center

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /screams
/pumps fist
/points to Trey Hillman in dugout
TreyHillMix: /rolls eyes
**Online Host**
TreyHillMix has still not brought in Joakim Soria, for some reason.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey online host howsabout you shut yer type-hole before we trade you to oakland an you vanish into fat air
**Online Host**
sorry
AsGoodAsItGetz: Could we possibly skip the wacky sax conversation, I would like to try to help my team win the baseball game
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: people who dont type to the wacky sax should have to shampoo my crotch
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: did you see what i did there
AsGoodAsItGetz: no
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hurm, perhaps you will get my reference when you face my next pitch, the "greg kinnear, greg kinnear's dog, cuber gooding junior gay romance delta attack"
AsGoodAsItGetz: is it another fastball
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /throws fastball
**Online Host**
Chris Getz has singled to right, Josh Fields has advanced to third.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: how did you know i was gonna hurl a fast ball?? were you looken at my hand
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no matter, for i will dispatch this cocky mexican with pitches related more to a reign of blows than toss-ed balls
AtCarlosQuentin: I should probably walk over there and beat your ass for saying that.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tough talk from a guy nicknamed "stacy q"
AtCarlosQuentin: My nickname isn't Stacy Q, it's "TCQ"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tough talk from a man who made d.j. tanner skip school to get his autograph
AtCarlosQuentin: It wasn't my fault! Joey showed up to get the autograph for her, she would've gotten it anyway, she was being dishonest!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell it to my next pitch, neé "Danny Fanner" /throws fastball
AtCarlosQuentin: /is overcome with guilt
**Online Host**
The Carlos Quentin has struck out.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /drops to knees, pumps both fists


/tears off shirt in celebration
WordUpThome: WHO ARE YOU WHO CAN SUMMON FIRE WITHOUT FLINT OR TINDER
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: see, this guy knows how to do it
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: and so it begins; the only thing standen betwixt the colossus of boggo road kyle farnsworth an victory for the kansas city yankees is the fattest most reddest granma in baseball
WordUpThome: OUR STORY BEGAN WITH MEGADETH, BUT INSTEAD OF PUSHING 111MEGADETH TO SHOW THAT YOU LIKED MEGADETH YOU KICKED ME
WordUpThome: THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS CRANK DINGERS, AN THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS GIVE EM UP
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i can also bake
WordUpThome: THIS STORY ONLY ENDS ONE WAY
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then squat in fear of my existentialist pitch, a ball so profount that it is a starting point for philosophical thought
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /throws worst possible fastball
WordUpThome: HEY GUYS, THIS IS

**Online Host**
Jim Thome has hit a home run to deep center field to give the White Sox the lead.
WordUpThome: OUT OF THE BALLPARK /trots around bases
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /lies down in infield grass

PECOTA: /smacks forehead
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: asgoodasitgetz, atcarlosquentin, gilgameche, jim+thome, JimThome, kyle+farnsworth, KyleFarnsworth, pecota, pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth, singinindewayne, thekillingfields, wordupthome, yermainguy

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