The Baseball Movie All-Time Roster

From the Windup is Matt Snyder's weekly, extended look at some aspect of America's pastime. It will usually run on Thursday, but we bumped it back a bit to remain sensitive to the Nick Adenhart tragedy.

Movies are a big part of baseball's culture in America. Most baseball fans can recite one-liners from "Major League" or "Bull Durham" just as easily as they can tell you who won last year's NL MVP. With this year being the 20th anniversary of "Major League's" release, we figured we should commemorate it somehow. It's easily my favorite baseball movie of all-time, with all due respect to "Bull Durham", "The Natural", and "Field of Dreams". Instead of making a lame "top 10 baseball movies ever," list, though, let's doing something better.

Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like if Crash Davis caught Rick Vaughn? How cool it would be if Willie "Mays" Hayes stole second base to get in scoring position for Roy Hobbs? We have, and we're going to construct a 25-man roster, starting lineup and all.

We'll first have to set some ground rules. So here they are:

1. No real people. There are tons of actual players portrayed in movies (Babe Ruth is the most prevalent). That's not really within the spirit of what we're doing here. So you won't find me picking Johnny Damon from "Fever Pitch" as my center fielder.

2. No "bad guys." Clu Heywood (Pete Vuckovich, Major League) was a ferocious slugger -- he led the league in all major offensive categories, including nose hair -- but he was an antagonist. I'd rather just use the players we were pulling for in each of these movies, otherwise you're opening up a huge can of worms.

3. The movie has to be at least remotely plausible. If a freak arm accident has a kid throwing in the 90s, that's not good enough for my team, nor is having angels help you to play better. Oh yeah, and if you leave the mound one out shy of a no-hitter to chase after a girl, you aren't allowed anywhere near my clubhouse. In fact, you should just turn your balls in at your earliest convenience.

4. I'll move guys around in the field, but only if it makes sense. I could go nuts and just pick the best eight position players and put them wherever I wanted, but that isn't as fun. On the flip-side, you mostly only see catchers, pitchers, and outfielders given huge parts in the movies. It's surprising there aren't more shortstops or first basemen, but that's just how it is. So, I'll make a few moves to reasonably fill out the roster.

5. Softball is not baseball. If someone played softball in some movie, I don't care. We're talking about baseball. In "A League of Their Own", however, they did play baseball. So we might have a girl or two on the team, you never know.

6. Character matters. I'm not necessarily going to go with the best baseball player here. Remember, we want the team to be entertaining. Being a good player is nice, but being a good character is better.

The Starters

Catcher - Crash Davis (Kevin Costner, "Bull Durham"): Hey, he's the record-holder for career home runs in the minor leagues. He knows how to develop young pitchers, and calls a perfect game. Plus, he's probably the best character in the history of movies. He tells a bat boy to "shut up" when encouraged to get a hit, [note: None of these youtube links are even remotely safe for work] he came with the "this is what I believe" speech, and God forbid any umpire make a bad call.

First base - Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford, "The Natural"): He didn't play first, but it's a very easy position to learn for the "best there ever was." Bill Simmons once went through the task of figuring what Hobbs' stat-line must have looked like (scroll all the way to the bottom), and that's definitely worthy of being in this lineup. Plus, he has a flair for the dramatic.

Second base - Tanner Boyle ("Bad News Bears"): He's obviously not necessarily in the lineup for his baseball skills. We have plenty of talent. We need him around to throw temper tantrums when things aren't going well. And if we lose, he can tell the other team where to put their trophy.

Shortsop - Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez ("The Sandlot"): He was never really shown playing one actual position, because Benny was so versatile he just played wherever they needed him. Still, the selection of fictional shortstops in movies is quite embarrassing, so I needed someone. Might as well go with The Jet, who could steal home when he was in the twilight of his Dodger career. Also, doesn't he just seem like a great locker room guy?

Third base - Kelly Leak (Jackie Earle Haley, "The Bad News Bears"): I know he didn't play third, but he's versatile enough to play pretty much anywhere, and I didn't really like the crop of third basemen I could find (Roger Dorn and Doris Murphy are the only ones who really come to mind). Leak is a gamer who comes through in the clutch more often than not. Hopefully we can convince him not to smoke during the games.

Left field - Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes, "The Fan"): He was good enough for a fan to murder the guy who was outshining him during a slump. That works.

Center field - Willie "Mays" Hayes (Wesley Snipes, "Major League"): He's a prototypical leadoff hitter who can run down anything in the ballpark, and he's not afraid to swipe a clutch base when needed, either.

Right field - Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert, "Major League"): The man who brought us Jobu can drop some prodigious bombs in the middle of the order.

The Pitching Staff

Rotation
1. Steve Nebraska (Brendan Fraser, "The Scout"): I have to ask for a leap of faith here in the plausibility department, but I just couldn't pass on the opportunity to have my staff ace lighting up the radar gun to the tune of 109 mph.

2. Hobbs: Yeah, he can pitch, too. He strikes out the "Whammer," after all. Also, he's a lefty, so that gives us some balance.

3. Billy Chapel (Kevin Costner, "For Love of the Game"): Once he got that no-hitter in Yankee Stadium, his Hall of Fame career was complete. Hopefully he's not all whacked out about Jane (Kelly Preston), or we might have to demote him to the bullpen. As long as he can still clear the mechanism, he'll work just fine as my third starter.

4. Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh (Tim Robbins, "Bull Durham"): He has a million-dollar arm and a five-cent brain, but with Crash as his backstop he'll stay in line -- just as long as he keeps breathing through his eyelids. Plus, we all get to call him "Meat" for a bit longer. You know he loves that.

5. Amanda Whurlitzer (Tatum O'Neal, "The Bad News Bears"): No pitching staff would be complete without her. She could bring it and already had breaking pitches in little league.

Bullpen
Ed Harris (Chelcie Ross, "Major League"): The crafty veteran has a wide arsenal of Crisco-, bardol- and Vagisil-aided junk-pitches. Plus, he's the man who brought us the transcendent line "Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit the curveball?" Even if he doesn't pitch, I want him in the dugout.

Kenny DeNunez (Brandon Adams, "The Sandlot"): The one time we saw the sandlot gang in action against opposition, DeNunez mowed them down with relative ease. Plus, he's got some spunk. I like him as a Carlos Marmol type in the late innings.

Cecil "Stud" Cantrell (William Peterson, "Long Gone"): First of all, his nickname alone puts him in consideration. He's also a player-manager in the movie, so he's got good leadership. He'll be able to get guys out with guile in spots. By the way, this is a very underrated baseball movie. If you have the chance to view it, please do.

Henry "Author" Wiggin (Michael Moriarty, "Bang the Drum Slowly"): The ace of his staff who befriends his ailing catcher would be a great chemistry guy and also a spot-starter should we need one.

Roy Dean Bream (William Russ, "Pastime"): He's old and broken down, but he can come in and get a hitter or two with the Bream Dream -- as if that pitch would have actually worked.

Tyrone Debray (Glenn Plummer, "Pastime"): The prodigy who was taken under the wing of the preceding selection. He's got enough good stuff to compete with DeNunez for the setup role.

Closer
Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen, "Major League"): An absolute no-brainer. This was up there with Hobbs as the easiest choice to add to the team. He can rock the radar gun into triple digits, fixed his control problems after Lou Brown made him get glasses, and has a killer instinct. Having the entrance music (NSFW) is, of course, required.

The Bench

I've actually got one extra spot here, due to Hobbs being in the pitching staff and the lineup. First of all, we need to decide who will play first when Hobbs toes the rubber. I'll go with Bartholomew "Bump" Bailey (Michael Madsen, "The Natural"). For one, it gives us good symmetry, seeing as how Hobbs got the chance for his dominant season when Bump met his maker. Also, using Bump at first means he won't be forced to run through a wall again. [Note: this was written before the tragic death of Nick Adenhart. Real life death is no joking matter, and anyone who makes a joke about it is inappropriate. Let's just please separate the fiction from reality in this case.]

For backup catcher, it's a very crowded cast. We've got Dottie Henson, Ham Porter, Gus Sinski, Engelberg and Rube Baker. We'll add Dottie (Geena Davis, "A League of Their Own") due to her single-handedly dominating the girls' baseball league, and add Ham Porter (Patrick Renna, The Sandlot) in case we get into a "your mama is so ____ " contest.

That leaves three spots to backup the infield and outfield spots. Juan Primo (Benicio Del Toro, "The Fan"), Michael "Squints" Palladorous (Chauncey Leopardy, "The Sandlot"), and "All the Way" Mae Moridabido (Madonna, "A League of Their Own").

Primo is in purely for his skills. He was outshining the great Bobby Rayburn until he met his demise at the hands of a crazed fan in a sauna. Squints is on the team just because he landed Wendy Peffercorn. That's it. It's like winning a conference championship to gain an automatic bid into the NCAA Tournament. With All the Way Mae, well, how can you argue against a morally casual center fielder? We probably won't need her on the field much anyway, what with all the versatility in the starting lineup and with several of the pitchers being capable hitters.

The Opening Day Lineup

1. Willie Hayes, CF
2. Benny Rodriguez, SS
3. Bobby Rayburn, LF
4. Roy Hobbs, 1B
5. Pedro Cerrano, RF (right)
6. Crash Davis, C
7. Kelly Leak, 3B
8. Tanner Boyle, 2B
9. Steve Nebraska, P

Apologies To ...

Sinski (John C. Reilly, "For Love of the Game"), Mickey Hart (Greer Barnes, "For Love of the Game"), Engelberg (Gary Lee Cavagnaro, "The Bad News Bears"), Baker (Eric Bruskotter, "Major League II"), Dorn (Corbin Bernsen, "Major League"), Murphy (Rosie O'Donnell, "A League of Their Own"), Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger, "Major League"), Isuro Tanaka (Takaaki Ishibashi, "Major League II"), Marla Hooch (Megan Cavanagh, "A League of Their Own"), Kit Keller (Lori Petty, "A League of Their Own"), Billy "Downtown" Anderson (Walter Goggins, "Major League: Back to the Minors"), the Agilar brothers ("The Bad News Bears"), Montgomery Brewster (Richard Prior, "Brewster's Millions") ... and, of course, Leon from the Budweiser commercials.

Unfortunately I said this was a movie team, so I couldn't include Sam Malone or Kenny Powers, which sucks. I love them both.

I encourage anyone to dispute the selections, make their own picks, and brazenly stray from the rules I imposed upon myself in the comments section. Let's hear it.