The Dugout: the Reason Why Kyle Farnsworth is Still on the Mound

Posted Apr 25, 2009 9:30PM By Jon Bois (RSS feed)

Last Wednesday, esteemed reader Craig pointed me to a statistical pile of manure:

You realize the Royals are 7-6, but 6-1 in games that Kyle Farnsworth has not appeared in?

Entering Saturday, the Royals are now 8-2 without him. The Royals haven't been 8-2 in any context since, like, 1207. As a Royals fan and unconditional Farnsworth apologist, this is difficult for me to accept. It doesn't make sense. My guess is that they only trot Farnsworth out there because he's insufferable to be around in the bullpen. At least, that's what I've learned from spying on his chat room conversations over the last five years or so.

This evening's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Kansas City Royals Bullpen Chat!!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is that zach greinke on the mount
	JoakimBackKotter: Yes.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: who in the frickety f*** is zach greinke
	JoakimBackKotter: He's our best starting pitcher.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is he the one who suffert personal troubles at one stage in his life
	JoakimBackKotter: ...yeah, that's him.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hahaha what a retart
	JoakimBackKotter: Could you quiet down for a bit? I'm really busy trying to stare into the outfield fountains and ignore you, and you're making it difficult.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh im really soria but kyle "the great communicator" farnsworth is busy spillen his doctrine on yer plate so you bester hold out yer plate and beg fer gruel
	JoakimBackKotter: please sir, i'd like some less
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: thats what scott proctor said, now hes the fartful dodger
	JoakimBackKotter: I think he's with the Marlins now.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ahahahaha what the marlins have a baseball team now
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what else should i expect from a world without judge dredd
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: if judge dredd was in charge you can bet yer bottom d* there would be no f*en teams namet after waterfoul
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: judge dredd would probly also murder his fellow constables in a makavelian thrust fer power
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey guess what movie i saw last fort night
	JoakimBackKotter: judge dredd
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no it was yeah it was judge dredd
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i wish zach greinke would go back to whatever lunchmeat package he escapet from so judge dredd could come in and put these walk suckers to judge bedd
	JoakimBackKotter: aggghhhh /walks over to bullpen phone
	JoakimBackKotter: Coach, you've got to put me in the game.
	TreyHillMix: It's only the fourth inning. Greinke's pitching a good game. Why the Hell would I put you in?
	JoakimBackKotter: because if I have to listen to Kyle Farnsworth any longer I am going to un-string my baseball glove and hang myself
	TreyHillMix: Ha, yeah right. They suicide-proofed Kauffman Stadium years ago, for good reason. There's nowhere to tie off rope.
	JoakimBackKotter: If God loves me, he will surely hold the noose.
	TreyHillMix: God hasn't been to Kansas City since he broke his hip. Suck it up. /hangs up
	JoakimBackKotter: sigh /walks back to bench
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well look who came joakim back
	JoakimBackKotter: Listen. We're going to have to sit next to each other all season, so I'm going to try to live with it.
	JoakimBackKotter: What do you think of, uh....Twitter?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what in the furious case of benjamin f*** is twitter
	JoakimBackKotter: It's an online service that lets you type your stream of consciousness to other people.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: kyle superfluous farnsworth is reminded of somethen like that, its callt this f***en chat room
	JoakimBackKotter: Yeah, I guess that's true.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ....
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you think judge dredd has a d*** so big he cant even move it
	JoakimBackKotter: OH MY GOD /walks back to bullpen phone
	JoakimBackKotter: Coach, if you don't put me in the game right now, I am going to shove my arm into a buzz saw.
	TreyHillMix: I'm planning on doing that anyway. No dice.
	JoakimBackKotter: No, a literal buzz saw.
	TreyHillMix: ....fine. I'll put Farnsworth out there. Will that work for you?
	JoakimBackKotter: Fine by me.
	TreyHillMix: All right. Call him in.
	JoakimBackKotter: Farnsworth! Coach says you're in the game.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /deep breath judgedreddisacontemporarytaleofmurderous woeinasocietygonebadanditisuptojudge dreddtocleanupthestreetstheonlywayhe knowshow.withextremeprejudice.however thingstakeaturnfortheworsewhenjudgedredd isframedformurderandspendtherestofhis lifeinaremotelaborcamp.howeverhe /walks out to mound
	OnlineHost Five seconds later....
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /walks back to bullpen andjudgedreddreplies,"wolverineyour skeletonisadmantiumonlyyoucanhelp,"and wolferinesays"sorrybub,ihavetogotoalaska andwalkaroundinthesnowforawhile."judge dreddcontinueshisgruesomecampaign againstthedarkheartofmankindaccompanied onlybythetwosurvivingbeatlesandthedorky kidfromthewonderyears.whateverwillbecome ofthefearsomefoursomenowthat
	JoakimBackKotter: ....you're back already?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /looks up at scoreboard
	OnlineHost FARNSWORTH, KYLE 0.0 IP 0 Ks 7 ER 9 BB
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i guess
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whose yer faverite guy from "judge dredd"
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: mine is probly judge dredd
	JoakimBackKotter: /eyelid twitches

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

4-25-2009 @ 11:41PM

Donut King said...

Oh, Farnsy. Never leave the Royals.

4-26-2009 @ 12:02AM

Jade said...

I saw the title and said to myself, "Oh man, I can only imagine where this is going to go."

Thank you for not disappointing me. That was judge-dredd-tastic.

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