The Dugout: This Week in the Baseball

Hey, I just got online for the first time in a week. Were you aware that some things happened in baseball this week? Apparently, slugger Manny Ramirez was trying to get pregnant (or something), and now he's going to miss fifty games because of it! I should really check my Fantasy Team more often.

Daily Dugout updates begin again today. Sorry for any inconvenience. I'm also sorry for whatever inconveniences you run into reading tonight's Dugout, after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host
	MelallenDrive: Hello there everybody, I'm Mel Allen, and welcome to the This Week in Baseball Chatroom!
	MelallenDrive: I'm your host, because I am better at it than the series of video packages they use to host the show now. And I've been dead for 13 years!
	MelallenDrive: How about that!
	MelallenDrive: The most important new story of the week took place in Los Angeles, and it wasn't an earthquake shaking things up!
	Online Host Welcome to the Los Angeles Dodgers Chatroom...
	CunningStults: Coach! Coach! /rushes into chatroom
	Torreumon: what is it, Eric, I'm trying to give prostate cancer to the front of my brain with the tip of my finger
	CunningStults: Look what I found... /hands medical reports to coach
	Torreumon: hmmm /looks over papers Are you sure?
	CunningStults: As sure as I am that original Ant Viv was way better than newer, whiter Ant Viv
	EthierOr: Listen to him, Coach, those terms are deadly serious.
	Online Host Moments later, outside the Manny Ramirez's Bedroom Chatroom...
	Torreumon: /knocks on door
	MannyTheTorpedoes: who is it /turns down continues loop of the first few seconds of "S On My Chest"
	Torreumon: Manny, I have to talk to you about something serious.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u wan play spies
	Torreumon: No, Manny, the Government and the Media want to play spies. Have you ever done ... drugs?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: lol cmon joe do i seem like a guy who dos drogs all i do is sit here eatin 'za watchin toons fartin makin mischief
	Torreumon: then what is this /opens small wooden box to reveal hCG
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /eyes bug out
	MannyTheTorpedoes: what is that some kind of human colonic gonanatropin why would you have that in a small box i mean what even is that
	Torreumon: Where did you get this? Tell me!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: not mine, tummy lasorta toll manny to hold it
	MannyTheTorpedoes: uhhh no i got it from the boson red sogs it was the thing that make big papi hit home runs
	Torreumon: Answer me! Why do you have this!?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i was growen lady parts an needed medicines
	Torreumon: Why were you growing lady parts? Were you on steroids? Huh??
	MannyTheTorpedoes: some of the guys mustve
	Torreumon: Must've what?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: dad i
	Torreumon: Answer me. Who taught you how to do steroids?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ...
	MannyTheTorpedoes: YOU ALRITE I LEARN IT BY WATCHING YOU
	Torreumon: /stares
	MelallenDrive: Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs! How about that!
	MelallenDrive: Thankfully for the L.A. Faithful, the Dodgers didn't sing the Blues for long!
	Online Host Welcome to the Los Angeles Chatroom!
	PierrePants: i would have to say that my favorite rapper of all time is will smith, definitely.
	EthierOr: Wait, Will Smith put out a rap album?
	PierrePants: of course with great hits like "gettin' jiggy wid it," "will2k," and "nightmare on my street."
	EthierOr: Oh, wow, I just thought he played a rapper on this TV show.
	PierrePants: will smith had a tv show?
	EthierOr: I've got to spend more time talking to the black people on this team.
	Torreumon: Pierre! Ramirez is out, you're in.
	PierrePants: /puts on football helmet, runs out onto field
	EthierOr: Wait, what happened to Manny?
	Torreumon: This may come to you as a shock, so before I tell you what happened, I want you to sit down.
	EthierOr: I am sitting down, I'm typing at a computer. What, do you type standing up?
	Torreumon: Manny Ramirez cheated at baseball.
	EthierOr: Okay.
	Torreumon: He used performance enhancing drugs, and was caught using hCG, which is a fertility drug.
	EthierOr: all right, go on
	Torreumon: This was to restart his body's natural testosterone production, which had ceased to the point that he was growing lady parts.
	EthierOr: hopefully you're going to get to the shocking part soon
	Torreumon: The lady parts were akin to a flower from the Doom Tree. It started growing tentacles that would suck the energy out of other, innocent players.
	Torreumon: Manny's signature dreadlocks were not hair, but in reality tendrils from the acursed vaginal bloom. That's why he didn't want us to cut them.
	EthierOr: Is that what happened to Rocco Baldelli?
	Torreumon: which part are you talking about, the yonic growth of the damned or the thing where he sucks out the
	Torreumon: oh, yeah, that is probably what happened to him
	EthierOr: Huh. All right, so what's the shocking part you were going to tell me about?
	Torreumon: ... you aren't surprised that Manny cheated on baseball?
	EthierOr: It's Manny Ramirez, dude, he could say he was the captain of a ghostly train and I would not be surprised.
	EthierOr: of COURSE he cheated at baseball. The guy is such a f* up that he made up a catchphrase to make how much of a f* up he is POPULAR
	EthierOr: I'm surprised that he hasn't pulled down his pants on national television and dropped a double on the left field grass.
	EthierOr: The guy is an overgrown kid who gets whatever he wants because he's good at something. If THAT doesn't matter, and if that is never going to matter, who cares how he does it?
	EthierOr: Manny being primobolanny, or whatever
	Torreumon: I knew in life there would be Curveballs Along The Way™, but this is ridiculous.
	EthierOr: Life is like Gregg Olson, man, nothing but a series of really easy to see curveballs.
	Online Host PierrePants has rushed back into the chatroom.
	PierrePants: i just got three stolen bases in the football game, is that good
	Torreumon: I love you, Juan Pierre.
	PierrePants: aw thank you, i am very nice

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

5-12-2009 @ 2:43AM

Sandra Dee said...

Thank god you've come back from the cave you were hiding in! Everything is okay, The Dugout is here!

Even with all the mocking explanation marks, I seriously feel better about Manny-gate now that you've posted. Does that make me sick?

5-12-2009 @ 10:03AM

Donut King said...

Whoa, Ethier is pissed. It's as if someone told him Carlton was coolest of the cool.

5-12-2009 @ 1:13PM

Jade said...

Yay! The Dugout is back! Been waiting for your take on "Manny being mammy" since the news broke.

"tummy lasorta" should be Lasorda's SN from now on--that's just priceless. :D

http://www.sportsbastards.com