Wahoo Messenger: It Is Not Tribe Time Right Now

This is my Mark Shapiro autograph. He signed it for me while I was at work, a month or so before the season began. I talked to him about baseball for a while, and he mentioned medical reports and how he thought Kerry Wood was going to be really healthy and strong this season. He shook my hand, and he is a gracious gentleman. I want to preface this post with this, because it is my job to stop making excuses now and start going WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THE BASEBALL TEAM over the Internet.

I am not looking forward to buying a facetious, Detroit Lions-esque t-shirt about how great we were in the preseason or something when we finish the season 0-162. Tonight's Wahoo Messenger is after the jump. Tomorrow's Wahoo Messenger will just be a big picture of LeBron James.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Cleveland Indians Quest For 14-148 Chatroom!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Okay, so the 2009 season hasn't turned out like we'd planned.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: nope
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I guess the first place we went wrong was naming Larry "Bud" Melman as manager. What the hell happened to you?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: the serum we withdrew from Jim Thome has started wear off and now I'm revering back to my fleshy clone self
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: I don't know, coaching Cleveland sports is a stressful job. Heh, just yesterday I filled out the lineup card with the pitcher batting third!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: thank you for following my memo
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: yeah but they yelled at me because the pitcher isn't supposed to bat
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Why not? I'm paying him! A portion of that should go to hitting, right? That's how baseball players work
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: probably, but the problem is that we're in the American League
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Uh, of course we're in the American League? Heh, what, you think we play Mexican ball
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: uh, sometimes
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: No, I think the real problems started when you decided that the team from Cleveland should be just like Cleveland
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: everyone keeps telling me that, but these Cleveland Tourism videos were very persuasive
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I figured the people of Cleveland would enjoy a baseball team prepared near the street.
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: is that why you still let Travis Hafner be on the roster
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: no, I did that because Cleveland has been under construction since 1868 and we needed a guy who was never ready and covered in cones
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: and because he helps cause crippling depression in Tribe fans
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: if it makes you feel any better, Fausto Carmona is carrying runs out of Cleveland
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: We still have all season to make this team better! How do we do it?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: we keep everybody healthy, play them where they should be playing, and stop shuffling everybody around all the time
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: is there anything quicker and less complicated we could do?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: put you in a sack, throw you into the cuyahoga river
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Don't do that, the last time I went swimming in the Cuyahoga I came out with this freakishly smooth skull face
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: How are the new acquisitions working out for you? How is Carl Pavano?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: terrible
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Kerry Wood?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: terrible, always two seconds from death
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Mark DeRosa?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: so scrappy that his uncle is a mystery solving dog
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Did... did we get anybody else? /looks at roster page
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: we got Matt LaPorta, and he will eventually be good but right now he is being the poor man's Mark Teixeira
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: which this season means he's a hole in the dirt being the poor man's port-a-john
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: How about Slider? Slider is still great, right? Making your charitable event fun?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: Slider died, dude, didn't you hear
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: what, no
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: yeah, the real Slider died so we make Jamey Caroll wear the suit... now he just makes your charitable event fun once every forty times
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: what about the Cleveland Indians Fun Bunch™?
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: still limply throwing XXXL t-shirts to the assholes in the first five rows who could afford to pay 200 dollars for May baseball tickets
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: also, Progressive Field has gotten rid of all healthy, ethnic, or vegetarian options and has replaced all speciality food with "hot dog nacho pepsi."
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: that last part is not a joke, we have actually done that
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: d'oh, that sucks, we really suck
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: yeah, tell me about it
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: well hey, at least we've got like 100 games to get better, and we're in the AL Central where a 20 game winner goes to the playoffs
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: you know that Mike Hargrove isn't doing anything, right
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: and that he is pretty good at coaching baseball, and that he'd probably coach us again if we asked him to because he Literally lives five minutes away
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: and that while you aren't very good at this, it is me who actively makes our team terrible, yes
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: and with one strong, direct decision and maybe 3-5 well-worded e-mails you could make us a championship team, right
	PostcardsFromTheWedge: right
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: who the f*** is mike hargrove

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

5-19-2009 @ 8:47AM

cincysooner18 said...

I think it's about time to incorporate some "Major League"ers into the Wahoo Messenger.

5-19-2009 @ 12:19PM

cahillio said...

If I didnt know you were from Cleveland I would be pissed about the Tourism Video reference..Im sure you get that those are a joke though. hahha..i agree with cincy sooner..however I think we should sign Charlie Sheen to pitch..he can't be any worse than Jensen Lewis or the Raffy's. Also would rather see Cerrano in LF than Garko...