**OnlineHost** Welcome to NESN Chat!

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: And it looks like Santana's pitch caught Youkilis in the elbow.

EckersUponYourHouse: It's not that far inside, and Youkilis sort of looks at him...

EckersUponYourHouse: S***!

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: uh

EckersUponYourHouse: Uh. Nevermind...we'll just forget about that.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: /covers mic with hand

Dennis, man, we've got to follow FCC rules.

EckersUponYourHouse: Sorry. It's just, something mildly interesting happened, and I really wanted to cuss about it.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Don't worry about it, it happens. Next time you're tempted, just say "S asterisk asterisk asterisk"

EckersUponYourHouse: How is that any different?

EckersUponYourHouse: And why is "s***" such a bad word in the first place? Why are we prohibited from saying that, but not "bitch," a word which within a certain context is far more hurtful and inappropriate?

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: It's just the way it is. Why is the sky blue? Why are you still wearing that haircut and moustache in the year 2009?

EckersUponYourHouse: it saves me from having to buy a mop, i simply kneel down and rub my head vigorously across the kitchen floor

**OnlineHost** Later...

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ...and Masterson strikes him out.

EckersUponYourHouse: Masturbate -- uh, Masterson is just, uh

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: /covers mic with hand

Dude!

EckersUponYourHouse: Sorry. I'm really sorry. You know, I've been watching eight innings of baseball, and I started thinking of how I could pass the time, and then, boom!

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: I'm going to go ahead and say that you are the only broadcaster in the history of Major League Baseball to say the word "masturbate" on air.

EckersUponYourHouse: "Masturbate" isn't a bad word, though, right?

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Yeah, but that doesn't mean

EckersUponYourHouse: Masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate masturbate

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Stop.

EckersUponYourHouse: penis

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Just stop.

/turns back to mic

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Jeremy Reed runs for second...

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ...and he's caught stealing.

EckersUponYourHouse: When you're down by two runs late in the game, that's a really tough way to end an inning.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Indeed.

EckersUponYourHouse: ...

EckersUponYourHouse: Does the Major League Baseball rule book have any regulations regarding testicle size?

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: god

EckersUponYourHouse: Like, if there was some dude who had really, really large testicles, would the umpire ever say, "listen, I have to throw you out of the game, your testicle size exceeds regulations"

EckersUponYourHouse: I mean, like, if they were SO BIG that they somehow affected play on the field. I don't really know how that would be possible, I haven't thought about it for long enough

EckersUponYourHouse: It almost seems as though--

DonOrsilloDoesMachines:TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: /switches off mic

Listen, I know how difficult it is to refrain from cussing and talking about testicles during a baseball game.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Calling a baseball game is like going on an awkward first date. There's nothing to talk about, but you're terrified of long pauses, so you want to say something, ANYTHING, to fill up space and make it look like you're having a good time.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: I mean, just the other night I was calling a game, and by the seventh inning I started rambling on about how an ex-girlfriend of mine really liked helicopters. I don't recall her ever having mentioned helicopters. I just said it. I was scared of the awkward silence.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: The art of baseball broadcasting is entirely contingent upon one's ability to mitigate the awkwardness and boredom without sinking into dementia and rattling off all the cuss words you know.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: That's it. That's really all there is to it. Some people can do it, some can't.

EckersUponYourHouse: Maybe I'm just not supposed to be a broadcaster.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Don't get down on yourself. We're coming back from break in five seconds. Give it another shot.

EckersUponYourHouse: Whew. Okay.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: And we're back. Dennis, as our resident Hall of Famer, what are your thoughts on the game so far?

EckersUponYourHouse: Well

EckersUponYourHouse: Um, the score is 5-3, Red Sox. The score is the result of various instances of hitting, pitching, fielding, and umpiring calls, and managerial decisions.

EckersUponYourHouse: This game is taking place inside of a baseball stadium. I feel very strongly about this, and any arguments to the contrary are flat-out wrong.

EckersUponYourHouse: Ummmm

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: (come on, man)

EckersUponYourHouse: (i've run out of things to say about baseball)

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: (come on, fill the void, just fill the void)

EckersUponYourHouse: And

guh

EckersUponYourHouse: Coming in relief for the Mets is Bobby Parnell. As a child, Bobby Parnell s*** his pants while tying his shoes and the principal sent him home. Due up is Jason Gay, I mean, Gayson Bay, I mean Jason Bay, who sports a .295 batting average. Meanwhile, out in the suburbs, a Yorkshire Terrier is violently f***ing an Ottoman. On deck is J.D. Drew. I don't know what J.D. stands for. Probably baseball. If you were born with two butt holes, could the extra one be used to s*** out all your misgivings and insecurities? 38,092 happy fans are in attendance tonight, and one of them just farted, and due to the winds blowing into the stadium, that man's fecal particles are making their way into everyone else's lungs. I am that man. That's right, everybody, I just took a dump in your lungs.

EckersUponYourHouse: *grrrrk*

/passes out

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Thanks, Dennis.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Aaaaand Jason Bay grounds out. One away.

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ...

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: pppppt

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ...

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: welp

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Hey, do any of the cameramen have birthdays today?

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: No?

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: You know, I was talking with Jason Varitek the other day during batting practice, and, well, he didn't really say anything all that interesting

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: hoo boy

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: um

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: Hey Sox fans, let me tell you about an amusing anecdote involving myself and Jerry Remy! One time there was a plate of cookies, and he ate three of them. I said, "Wow, did you just eat three cookies?" And he said, "Yeah, and I'm about to eat a fourth! I like cookies!"

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ...

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: ah man

DonOrsilloDoesMachines: all right, i'm gonna go do some laundry