The Dugout: Our Lord Who Art in Camden, Hallowed Be Thy Game

Lately, our feedback has been exclusively Matt Wieters-centric. I've gotten e-mails about how we should handle his ascension to the big leagues. We've gotten comments about how we should set up a fake Twitter account for him, and follow his exploits on a minute-by-minute basis as he goes 0-for-4 and occasionally triples. My Dad calls me every couple of days to ask me how good I think Wieters is, because Wieters could go to the bathroom, put it in a McDonald's bag, and show it on television and my Dad would call me to ask me how awesome I thought it was.

This is my humble attempt to transfer the ethereal glory of the hard-swinging, hard-loving Orioles catching prospect who hit .999 in Single-A and redefined Double-A simply by being there.

This morning's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Average Day in the Baltimore Orioles Chatroom Chatroom!
	WietersRunDry: /holds up Esskay frank
	WietersRunDry: Take and eat; this is my body.
	WietersRunDry: /holds up 72oz. Sprite
	WietersRunDry: Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.
	WietersRunDry: I tell you, I will not drink of this enormous friggin Sprite from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom.
	MonsignorMontanez: whispers he means the playoffs!
	FredFlintstoneAndino: shut up I know what he means
	ShareAndSherrillike: Oh great and powerful Matt Wieters, we eat of your raccoon meat body and drink of your limon with great reverence.
	MoraTheSame: Hallelujah!
	ShareAndSherrillike: could you explain who your "father" is in this metaphor, because I want to make sure I'm keeping my sacreligion straight
	WietersRunDry: I was not born as to a woman, I was created in a test tube in Frederick using DNA from the Shroud of Turin and the severed head of Johnny Bench.
	ShareAndSherrillike: /falls to knees
	MoraTheSame: How can this be, Oh Lord?
	WietersRunDry: You are right to doubt me, Melvin. /places hand on Mora's shoulder, smiles for I am merely a man.
	WietersRunDry: More specifically, I am merely Justin Morneau in a different hat collecting two paychecks.
	ShareAndSherrillike: Praise Him! /closes eyes, raises palm to sky
	MoraTheSame: Now let us sing a hymn and go out to the Mount of Olives, to continue this totally reasonable idol worship!
	MonsignorMontanez: whispers what are we using for the mount of olives
	FredFlintstoneAndino: boog's barbecue, idiot
	MonsignorMontanez: are we allowed to worship a jewish man where we routinely blacken gigantic slabs of pig ass
	FredFlintstoneAndino: wait, matt wieters is jewish?
	Online Host A visitor has entered the chatroom.
	BruceAlmighty: uh, excuse me, hello
	BruceAlmighty: yeah I was just outside of your chatroom and I heard some comparing-to-Jesus going on, and I wanted to come in here and stop that right away
	ShareAndSherrillike: what, why
	BruceAlmighty: I'm the one you're supposed to be comparing to Our Lord, not this guy.
	MoraTheSame: Why would we care about you? You don't even play for our team.
	ShareAndSherrillike: This man hit .285 in AAA! He is our Savior!
	WietersRunDry: It is true. I will lead these Peoples to the promised land, also known as "Slightly Ahead of the Blue Jays."
	BruceAlmighty: see, you can't do that, I'm already leading MY Peoples to the promised land, also known as "Slightly Behind the Cardinals."
	ShareAndSherrillike: You can't do that! We called Lord first!
	MoraTheSame: yeah, one of the ten commandments is "You shall have no other Gods before Me." That's what God said to Moses!
	MoraTheSame: so when Jesus came along and we started worshipping him, that was fine, and when we started worshipping Mary that was fine too, and all the Saints are okay
	MoraTheSame: and it makes sense to me that ONE baseball player could be worshipped within the boundaries of Biblical interpretation, but two? Haha what are you smoking
	BruceAlmighty: I just don't see how a catcher is supposed to make your team better.
	BruceAlmighty: Seems like Baltimore should be worshipping the first guy who can throw the ball from the pitchers mound TO the catcher without it hitting somebody or landing outside
	ShareAndSherrillike: yeah, well, how is an outfielder batting .220 supposed to suddenly make the reds awesome
	MoraTheSame: yeah I liked you better when you were Eric Davis
	BruceAlmighty: Shut up! I am an 8-tool player!
	BruceAlmighty: I can hit for power, I can run, I can throw, I can field, I have Intangibles, I know how to fill out a scorecard with one of those little half-pencils you get when you go golfing, and I own a hammer.
	FredFlintstoneAndino: yo that's only seven tools
	BruceAlmighty: oh, and I can hit for average
	MonsignorMontanez: Ay! No you cain't!
	BruceAlmighty: just because I don't doesn't mean I can't
	MoraTheSame: it doesn't matter, our boy here has NINE tools. Ten if you count his two different kinds of hammers.
	ShareAndSherrillike: Ball pien and regular!
	WietersRunDry: /hovers peacefully over chatroom
	BruceAlmighty: Here, I'll prove my divinity to you. Does anybody in this chatroom know how to kill someone?
	MonsignorMontanez: dude, we live in Baltimore
	FredFlintstoneAndino: /draws pistol, shoots Jay Bruce in the head
	Online Host BruceAlmighty is on the 3-day DL
	BruceAlmighty: see
	ShareAndSherrillike: here, give me the gun, I bet if we shot Matt Wieters he wouldn't even get hurt!
	MoraTheSame: GEORGE NO
	ShareAndSherrillike: /shoots Wieters five times at point blank range /misses five times
	TheLosPedrosPetersOfAngelos: George I swear to God if you shoot that gun one more time you will be reaping brims in Seattle so fast it will make your head spin
	BruceAlmighty: Mr. Angelos! You know what I'm trying to say, you're my biggest fan!
	TheLosPedrosPetersOfAngelos: no I'm not
	BruceAlmighty: Don't you remember when I got into the big leagues, and you sent me a card and called me to tell me how proud of me you were?
	TheLosPedrosPetersOfAngelos: No, I don't recall doing that.
	BruceAlmighty: but you put up a blog with a bunch of pictures of me and called me "the retroactive next preemptive matt wieters"
	TheLosPedrosPetersOfAngelos: No, that must've been somebody else. I don't even own a computer!
	BruceAlmighty: aww, being jesus sucks
	WietersRunDry: /ascends to the Yankees in a flaming chariot

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

5-31-2009 @ 7:41PM

Donut King said...

"BruceAlmighty: see, you can't do that, I'm already leading MY Peoples to the promised land, also known as 'Slightly Behind the Cardinals.'"

Which this year will probably be 4th place. Good going, Bruce.