ValuedCustomer: /click click click

sigh

ValuedCustomer: /logs on to MLB.tv customer support

bud_is_wiser: Hello, my name is Bud. I'd be happy to assist you. May I have your name and account number, please?

ValuedCustomer: wait, are you Bud Selig?

bud_is_wiser: That's my name, don't wear it out!

(seriously, i've worn it out, it's not any good anymore)

ValuedCustomer: Okay, well my problem is that I wanted to watch my small-market team play, but it looks like it's blacked out or something.

bud_is_wiser: I'm sorry to hear that. What team are you trying to watch?

ValuedCustomer: The Kansas City Royals.

bud_is_wiser: Ohhhhh okay. I think I know what the problem is. The Kansas City Royals are an Arena League football team, right? I'll get you over to AFL support, one moment.

ValuedCustomer: no, they are definitely a baseball team

bud_is_wiser: Wait, they are? Hold one moment, please.

bud_is_wiser: /looks through file cabinet, finds notarized contraction papers for Kansas City Royals

bud_is_wiser: /slaps forehead

damn it i forgot to send this, i am SO DISORGANIZED

bud_is_wiser: /picks up phone

Sorry, sir, my mistake. The Royals were supposed to be dissolved in 2006, but due to a clerical error, they are apparently still playing baseball somewhere.

ValuedCustomer: yeah, like in Kansas City

so anyway, could you just fix this so i can watch the game

bud_is_wiser: Why do you even want to watch the Royals? This is a highly unusual request.

ValuedCustomer: well, i tell people that it's because they're starting to click on all cylinders and that Zach Greinke is a real treat to watch on the mound, but if i'm being honest with myself, i just want to be watching in case Kyle Farnsworth gets in a fight and DDTs somebody

bud_is_wiser: Perhaps you have a virus.

ValuedCustomer: doubt it

bud_is_wiser: Let's just make sure. Here's a little "insider tip" for you...

hit the keys C.T.R.L., A.L.T., and D.E.L.E.T.E. at the same time. It'll get rid of all your viruses. It's the "hacker's worst nightmare"!

ValuedCustomer: hahaha no it isn't

bud_is_wiser: Okay, try this. Reformat your hard drive and then soak it in a salt-based solution for thirty minutes while repeating the Lord's Prayer. Then call us back.

ValuedCustomer: wh

no, the problem is clearly that MLB.tv has blacked out the Royals game, even though I live so far away from Kansas City that I can't even smell its stink

bud_is_wiser: Okay, hold on just a minute while I do some research.

bud_is_wiser: /looks up MLB broadcast blackout map

bud_is_wiser: whoa

I think I see the problem here. This blackout map doesn't make any sense.

bud_is_wiser: it looks like a map of occupied territories in some sort of 23-way civil war or something

ValuedCustomer: Yeah, see? It's stupid. Can't you fix it?

bud_is_wiser: no, I'm just the commissioner of baseball

ValuedCustomer: Is there someone higher up I could talk to?

bud_is_wiser: i could probably get one of the guys from BALCO on the line if you wanted

ValuedCustomer: Well, what's the problem? I mean, I watched March Madness on CBS' website, they did a great job. I could watch any game I wanted, and it was free. All I had to do was watch the commercials, which I was fine with.

ValuedCustomer: With MLB.tv I have to pay like a hundred bucks a year, and instead of commercials there's this stupid screen saver thing of a baseball bouncing across the screen, and I basically had to refute the Lockeian social contract, and I STILL CAN'T WATCH THE F***ING ROYALS GAME

ValuedCustomer: Why can't you guys just do it like they did March Madness?

bud_is_wiser: well it's very complicated

ValuedCustomer: no it's not, just track how many people are watching the commercials and broadcasts, and distribute the revenue accordingly to television networks

bud_is_wiser: I can't do that. Cable television is dying. It can only stay alive if people spend too much money to watch three channels they watch and like 50 they don't.

ValuedCustomer: that's not really my problem

ValuedCustomer: look, you should feel lucky that i'm paying $20 or so a month to watch your boring sport

ValuedCustomer: besides, it's not too difficult to download free peer-to-peer streaming software and watch baseball games for free

bud_is_wiser: Really?

ValuedCustomer: yes, really. in fact, i think that's what i'll do

bud_is_wiser: Wow, yeah. If I were you, I'd probably just do that.

ValuedCustomer: yeah, i mean, i really wouldn't mind paying for mlb.tv if it were a better product, but it's kind of hard to make that argument if the games i want to watch are blacked out

bud_is_wiser: hmm

yeah

ValuedCustomer: yeah

/hangs up

bud_is_wiser: ahhhhh

/dusts off hands

bud_is_wiser: another problem not at all solved

bud_is_wiser: /pre-emptively ends 2009 All-Star game after four innings