The Dugout: Did You Realize Sammy Sosa Was On Steroids?

This morning, things just seemed different. I could tell. I had a little more spring in my step. The air tasted just a little more sweet. Little did I know that we'd be finding out Sammy Sosa had tested positive for banned substances in 2003! It was closure. Like figuring out the ending to a movie in the first five minutes, then having it last for 15 years.

Stories this obvious need an esoteric approach, and until the Roto Rush starts contemplating Heaven as a series of interlocking plane terminals and hotel suites, that's our job.

This morning's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	bud_is_wiser: /scoops enormous pile of dirt into cavernous hole, pats it flat /digs shovel into dirt
	bud_is_wiser: /rests elbows on handle of erect shovel /wipes brow
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: This certainly wasn't what I was expecting when I signed on this morning.
	bud_is_wiser: I tried to get an entertaining angle out of Sammy, but all he could type was "steroids hay been berry berry goo to me"
	bud_is_wiser: Frankly, I'm a little sick of the prejudiced nature of these chats, the last thing we need is another chatlog of condescending, broken English.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: yeah I always wondered about that, I mean if the guy talks that way that's one thing, but shouldn't he be able to type clearly?
	bud_is_wiser: right, and if he couldn't, wouldn't it just be typos? Why do they type in their weird accents?
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Don't you think this is all a little excessive, though? /motions to half-constructed buildings
	bud_is_wiser: No, I think putting together an assemblage of structures and shrines was the only way to get across what I was feeling.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Have you come up with a name yet?
	bud_is_wiser: That's the best part. /makes broad, sweeping hand gesture
	bud_is_wiser: "The Baseball Steroid Hall of Shame."
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: that is seriously what you decided to call it
	bud_is_wiser: Instead of arguing whether or not these guys should be in the Hall of Fame and putting asterisks on everything, we're just going to round everybody up and put them in here.
	bud_is_wiser: do you get it? It's like the "hall of fame," but they should be ashamed, and therefore-
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: No. Sigh, no, I get it.
	bud_is_wiser: Were you aware that every player who played between 1980 and 2004 was on steroids?
	bud_is_wiser: Robin Yount was on steroids. Mike Schmidt was on steroids. All the guys with mustaches. Rollie Fingers was on steroids and PCP.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: before he hit that home run, we had to fill both of Kirk Gibson's legs with HGH. He isn't pumping his arm because he's excited, he's doing it to keep his heart from exploding
	bud_is_wiser: The "Hall of Shame" is going to welcome visitors from its opening day until the day we all get tired of baseball and say f*** it with a variety of attractions...
	bud_is_wiser: Patrons can enjoy the Sammy Sosa wing, which starts off as a small hallway but ends up as big as a football stadium out of nowhere
	bud_is_wiser: or they can stare forlornly with tears in their eyes at the exhibits in the Mark McGwire wing, and when their friends ask them how they liked it they will refuse to say
	bud_is_wiser: the Rafael Palmeiro Gardens are a limited engagement, so if you've never done them, they will be open for a period
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: what kind of "exhibits" are you planning, exactly?
	bud_is_wiser: Oh, lots of fun stuff.
	bud_is_wiser: We'll have scale models so kids can see how their engorged heads stack up to Barry Bonds, and all girls under 18 can ride our Roger Clemens "rocket."
	bud_is_wiser: Plus, all of the urinals have pictures of Buck O'Neil in them!
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Huh. Say, what's this thing? /points to control panel
	bud_is_wiser: That's our electronic tour guide, narrated by Bob Ley. It tells you whether or not your favorite player was or is on steroids.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Interestin'. /pushes button
	Online Host And now, reporting for Outside the Lines... Bob Ley.
	STEROIDS_BobLey_STEROIDS: Good evening everyone, I'm Bob Ley. Please select the heritage of your favorite player below.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: /looks at choices Hey Bud, is it going to give me more than one choice? It just says "Dominican"
	bud_is_wiser: Those are the only ones we care about right now. We'll add the rest when everyone has stopped paying attention.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Fair enough. /selects "Dominican"
	STEROIDS_BobLey_STEROIDS: Please select the name of your favorite player. CHOOSE ONE - Alex Rodriguez - Manny Ramirez - Sammy Sosa - Miguel Tejada - Vladimir Guerrero - David Ortiz
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: /selects "David Ortiz"
	STEROIDS_BobLey_STEROIDS: David Ortiz used to be skinny. Now, he is fat. That is conclusive evidence that David Ortiz is on steroids. Additionally, everyone is on steroids.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Hey, this is fun! /selects "Sammy Sosa"
	STEROIDS_BobLey_STEROIDS: Sammy Sosa was on a ton of steroids. What are you, stupid? I'm Bob Ley.
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: Well I don't think Vlad Guerrero is on steroids, let's see what it says about him...
	bud_is_wiser: wait, NO, TOMMY DON'T PUSH THAT
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: /selects "Vladimir Guerrero"
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: /loses control of bat
	HeyLasordaSomePizza: DERP
	bud_is_wiser: Sorry Tommy, we're still working out some of the kinks. Eesh.
	bud_is_wiser: So, Vlad! What do you think of my complex?
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: Sería más divertido referir al museo como "The Fall of Shame"
	bud_is_wiser: I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: do joo tink, we shoul call the musayum...
	bud_is_wiser: what? Joo tink? What is that
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: Heh, sorry about that, my keyboard has been acting up all afternoon! As I was saying, wouldn't it be funnier now to refer to the museum as "The Fall of Shame?"
	bud_is_wiser: lol

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

6-17-2009 @ 7:53AM

keithstbird said...

Seriously how could you not tell Sosa was on steroids he put on like 70 lbs over 1 offseason. When the rest of the names come out I bet David Ortiz will be on there I would say Manny but he already got caught and I be if they did the testing back then Larry walker and Andreas Galaraga would have been on that list as well

6-17-2009 @ 9:04AM

Donut King said...

I dunno how you managed to work in the Guerrero/Lasorda ASG bat incident . . . but that was all sorts of hilarious.

Too bad keithstbird didn't get it.

6-17-2009 @ 9:54AM

stas49 said...

We can't change the past, so get over it when this was going on Baseball let it happen. Now it is banned and anybody caught from this point on needs to pay the price. Congress I think there are better and more important things to do than go witch hunting. Stop! Stop! STOP!

6-17-2009 @ 3:34PM

JumpinJesuits said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

http://www.yahoo.com/s/1087363

I'm going to be so disappointed when a team doesn't sign him next year; he is the the cornerstone of The Dugout!

6-17-2009 @ 7:42PM

jimdog said...

"... and all girls under 18 can ride our Roger Clemens 'rocket.' "

You know when you read something, and you don't think you should really be enjoying it, but you're enjoying it anyways? It's kind of like that.