The Dugout: The Spotlight and Jose Canseco, Part the First

Posted Jun 18, 2009 11:30PM By Jon Bois (RSS feed)

Does Jose Canseco refuse to leave the spotlight, or does the spotlight refuse to leave him? No matter the case, the two are married to one another. Since his days as a household name, he's managed to find a dozen different means of attracting attention. He was hit on the head by a fly ball. He attempted to pitch and threw out his arm. He wrote a bestseller, the impact of which has rivaled that of his playing career. He's appeared on reality television, he's launched a mixed martial arts career, and now he's suing Major League Baseball. The spotlight will not leave him, and he will not leave the spotlight.

Tonight's Dugout is the first part of a series exploring the history of this sophisticated, decades-old relationship. Read it after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to 1988 Chat!
	RockTheCostBob: /affixes lapel mic So hey, don't be nervous. First big interview, I know.
	YESWayJose: i'm uh i'm not n-nervous
	RockTheCostBob: We're on in ten seconds. Any way you could get a different haircut between now and then?
	YESWayJose: wh-what?
	RockTheCostBob: It's just that you look like a Hussar. Nevermind, nevermind.
	RockTheCostBob: ahem
	OnlineHost The stage lighting flickers on.
	RockTheCostBob: Ladies and gentleman, I'm here with Jose Canseco of the Oakland Athletics.
	Spotlight: /shines
	YESWayJose: ohgosh /looks away
	RockTheCostBob: Since making his debut three years ago, he's emerged as one of the most promising young players in the game today.
	Spotlight: /shines
	YESWayJose: hoof
	RockTheCostBob: So first, Jose, let's start with the fun stuff. /pulls Rubik's Cube out of pocket
	RockTheCostBob: This is a Rubik's Cube. It's all the rage these days, and I've got to ask...do you know how the HECK to solve one of these things?
	YESWayJose: um, the trick is to learn the algorithms and know when to apply them.
	YESWayJose: you uh
	Spotlight: /shines
	YESWayJose: the first algorithm to recognize is front inverted, up, left inverted, up inverted then there's
	YESWayJose: there's um, right inverted, down introverted
	Spotlight: /shines
	YESWayJose: whoops i mean down inverted uh
	Spotlight: /shines
	RockTheCostBob: She's cute, huh?
	YESWayJose: /blushes
	RockTheCostBob: Well heck, nobody can solve a Rubik's Cube anyway. Unless you peel the stickers off and re-arrange them! Ha!
	YESWayJose: heh yeah that's a pretty f-funny joke
	RockTheCostBob: Now, on to baseball. Who were your idols growing up? Who made you want to be a baseball player?
	YESWayJose: uh
	Spotlight: /shines
	YESWayJose: um
	YESWayJose: ROWLAND OFFICE
	RockTheCostBob: Rowland Office. Your favorite baseball player was...Rowland Office. All right.
	YESWayJose: /hyperventliates
	RockTheCostBob: /motions to camera crew Cut! We're taking a break. We can just fix this in post.
	RockTheCostBob: We can't? Computers haven't been invented yet?
	RockTheCostBob: Whatever then, just use tape and scissors.
	RockTheCostBob: Canseco, you all right?
	YESWayJose: yeah, sorry, rowland office wasn't my favorite player, i don't know what the hell i was saying hey is she still looking at me
	Spotlight: /shines
	RockTheCostBob: Yep. She's a spotlight, after all.
	YESWayJose: what do i do
	RockTheCostBob: It's easy. Say something to keep her attention! All right?
	YESWayJose: whew okay
	RockTheCostBob: Knock 'em dead, buddy. All right, we're ready.
	RockTheCostBob: Jose, do you have any goals in mind for the 1988 season?
	YESWayJose: YES
	YESWayJose: I'M GOING TO HIT 40 HOME RUNS AND I'M GOING TO STEAL 40 BASES IN THE SAME SEASON
	RockTheCostBob: That's...wow, that has never been done before.
	YESWayJose: AND I'M GOING TO DO IT WHILE SPORTING A HAIRCUT THAT MAKES MY HEAD LOOK LIKE A COFFEE BEAN
	RockTheCostBob: Incredible! Jose, thanks for talking with us today.
	YESWayJose: SURE THING BOB COSTAS
	RockTheCostBob: /takes off lapel mic Nice job, Canseco. You really knocked it out-- /turns around
	YESWayJose: so, um, hi
	Spotlight: Hi.
	YESWayJose: i'm, um, i'm jose canseco
	Spotlight: Your hair looks like a cockroach's butt. Kiss me.
	YESWayJose: wh-whuuuuh
	Spotlight: Kiss me, you jackass!
	YESWayJose: ok /kisses
	YESWayJose: oh god
	Spotlight: Mm?
	YESWayJose: you're hot
	Spotlight: /beams
	YESWayJose: no, i mean, i think my face has suffered second-degree burns
	Spotlight: Oh, I'm so sorry!
	YESWayJose: ahem No, it's okay. Want to grab a drink?
	Spotlight: I don't drink.
	Spotlight: You...want to sit in the car dealership parking lot and look at the stars?
	YESWayJose: Sure, okay.
	OnlineHost Spotlight and Jose Canseco have left the chat room.
	RockTheCostBob: Ahhhh.
	RockTheCostBob: Bobby, you devil, you've done it again. You're some kind of matchmaker.
	RockTheCostBob: welp time to get to bed
	RockTheCostBob: tomorrow's my first day of second grade!!!
	RockTheCostBob: /loses milk tooth