Jason Bay will soon be an American citizen. He aced his U.S. Citizenship exam, and as soon as he learns the secret American handshake and receives his key to the workout room, it will be a done deal.Matt Snyder already posted a few (easy) citizenship exam questions. Plenty more are divulged in Saturday's Dugout, after the jump.
The Dugout
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**OnlineHost** Welcome to Citizenship Test Chat! |
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TheBayBoy: why do i have to take a test? can't i just be like, "here is all the money i have, please take a cut of it and use it to build prisons, now give me a flag and open the freaking gate" |
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**OnlineHost** Sorry. It doesn't work like that. |
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**OnlineHost** There are two ways to become a citizen. Either you can fall out of an American womb like a gumball in some sort of arbitrary gumball machine, or you can take a test that demonstrates your knowledge of who did or did not invent the cotton gin. |
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TheBayBoy: eli whitney |
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**OnlineHost** Congratulations! You have just answered the first 16 answers correctly. |
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TheBayBoy: this is stupid |
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**OnlineHost** Come on, be a sport! We have to be certain that you will be an upstanding American citizen, just like Pat Sajak and the baby who was born in Cedar Rapids ten minutes ago. |
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TheBayBoy: alright, fine |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #17: There are three things or ideas that the United States has yet to declare war on. Name them. |
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TheBayBoy: um those stupid barbed-wire arm tattooes, fig newtons, hubris |
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**OnlineHost** Correct! |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #18: If this major American city were to magically disappear one day, not a single person would notice. |
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TheBayBoy: indianapolis |
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**OnlineHost** Correct! |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #19: Rank the following American Presidents from the most times murdered by John Wilkes Booth, to least times murdered by John Wilkes Booth: John Adams, Jimmy Carter, John Quincy Adams. |
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TheBayBoy: john adams, jimmy carter, john quincy albums (tie) |
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**OnlineHost** What? Oh okay, wait, no, you're right. |
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**OnlineHost** Correct! |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #21: What is your reaction to this photo?
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TheBayBoy: SOMEONE STOP THAT MAN |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #22: What is your reaction to this photo?
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TheBayBoy: sorry gotta run, i have to pick up my kid from soccer practice |
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**OnlineHost** Wow, you are acing this test. |
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TheBayBoy: you pick up the nuances pretty well once you're here for a few years |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #23: What is Canada? |
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TheBayBoy: sigh |
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TheBayBoy: america's silly hat |
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**OnlineHost** Correct! |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #24: In the Presidential order of succession, the Vice President is first, and the Speaker of the House is second. Who is 201,926th? |
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TheBayBoy: ummmmmm umumumummm oh god i know this |
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TheBayBoy: jerry don gleaton! |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #24: Correct! |
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**OnlineHost** Last one. |
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**OnlineHost** QUESTION #25: What does "being an American" really mean? |
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TheBayBoy: /shrug |
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**OnlineHost** CONGRATULATIONS! You have received a perfect 100% score. You are now officially an American citizen. Go get 'em, slugger! |
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TheBayBoy: thanks /exits to waiting room |
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IWouldFloat500Maels: oh hello |
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IWouldFloat500Maels: my name is maels rodriguez, i made it to america by fording the freaking gulf of mexico via a crudely-constructed raft |
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TheBayBoy: oh cool |
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TheBayBoy: i drove across the border in a 1995 nissan with a power sunroof |
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IWouldFloat500Maels: high five |
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TheBayBoy: high five |
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
6-28-2009 @ 5:45PM
Donut King said...
Oh . . . brilliant!
Reply
6-28-2009 @ 7:39PM
Mark said...
**OnlineHost** QUESTION #24: In the Presidential order of succession, the Vice President is first, and the Speaker of the House is second. Who is 201,926th?
The perfect and what I think wouldve been a very funny answer "Manny Ramirez" lol
Reply
6-29-2009 @ 8:55AM
cincysooner18 said...
I have the same answer to what it means to be an American.
Reply
6-29-2009 @ 7:32PM
papam11 said...
Except for a few more homers than average, I'm not that impressed with Bay. The Sox blew it by signing that "stick on the shoulder" do nothing, Drew. I'd hate to see them make another mistake like that. If Bay wants $15 mil a year, let him walk. Take a few Hr's off the board and he's batting .280ish and leads the team in strikeouts, many of which were "looking". That's not $15 mil numbers.
Reply
7-12-2009 @ 11:51PM
Pander said...
Bay's got a 128 OPS+, he's got 40 XBH at the ASB, and his BB:K rate is solid. High strikeouts aren't an evil in this day and age, a guy who can get on base, hit for power, field adequately, and avoid major injuries is worth high-level money. 4 years $60 is probably a fair deal for the guy.