The Dugout: Beautiful Robert Eaton

J.C. Romero can't seem to catch a break. He spends a Manny-esque 50 games banned from baseball for violating the substance abuse policy even though he was following the rules, and nobody really knew what was going on, so they just suspended him anyway. Then he gets accused of physically assaulting a man for making disparaging remarks about said suspension after a Phillies/Rays game on Thursday. The fan, "Robert Eaton," claims that he was tossed around after asking Romero to get him some juice. That's always happening to me, too. My Mom is so mean!

Romero never got the man the juice, and now he's probably going to pay for it by getting suspended again. That's called an assumption, folks, we here at The Internet™ are great at those. One thing we're not good at is accurate reporting, so I will stop here and inform you that the transcript from that night's events has been logged and reported here for posterity. Form your own opinions. Personally, I think J.C. Romero should've gotten the Alabama Jam.

Said transcript is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Tropicana Field Parking Lot!
	RobertEaton: Awright Braden, Tayler, how'd y'all like at ol' baseball game! Rays won! Woooo!!!
	Braden: yayyy baseball is boring i hate it
	Tayler: SHUT UP! I hate baseball! Baseball sucks! The Rays are STUPID. The Phillies are STUPID.
	RobertEaton: Now Tayler, you cool it now... you kids excited to meet some of your favorite players? All we gotta do is wait by the cars!
	Braden: i wanna go homeee
	RobertEaton: man, ain't nothin' like livin' in Tampa... we got beer, we got the Bucs, an we can make our en-tire body bright red, 'cept for the part under our tanktop
	RobertEaton: apex a human culture right here, I tell ya what
	Tayler: /ruthlessly punches Braden in face with no consequence
	RobertEaton: QUIT IT NOW TAYLER, ONE, TWO... don't make me count to three now, ONE, TWO....
	Online Host ColeHamLuke has entered the chatroom on his way to the Cole Hamels's Car Chatroom
	RobertEaton: braden tayler look, it's Cole Hamels, he's the best pitcher on the team he's real good, if he'd pitched they woulda won
	RobertEaton: COLE! COLE HAM LUKE! COLE!
	ColeHamLuke: /smiles, manages a light acknowledgement
	RobertEaton: YOU SUCK! PHILLIES SUCK! GO RAYS WOOOOOO!!!! /flips bird
	ColeHamLuke: /is millionaire, continues on unaffected
	Online Host ColeHamLuke has left the chatroom.
	RobertEaton: Aw man, did you see that? He waved at us! I didn't expect him to be a a**hole though, he didn't even come over an sign autographs!
	RobertEaton: Braden, don't you think he was a a**hole
	Braden: a**hole!!!
	Tayler: SHUT UP BRADEN YOUR AN AHOLE, MAWM IS A AHOLE
	RobertEaton: haha y'all are some funny ass kids
	Online Host MoyerBodyGirl has entered the chatroom on the way to the Jamie Moyer's Car Chatroom.
	RobertEaton: look tayler look braden it's jamie moyer, jamie moyer's been pitching for a long time he's a legend
	RobertEaton: JAMIE! JAMIE! HEY, JAMIE, I'M STANDING BY YOUR CARS
	MoyerBodyGirl: hello baseball fans
	RobertEaton: YOU SUCK! PHILLIES SUCK! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? F*** YOU! /flips double bird
	Braden: /jumps up and down while giving the finger
	MoyerBodyGirl: ehhhh /gets into drivers side of Model T
	Online Host MoyerBodyGirl has left the chatroom.
	RobertEaton: aw it's okay Braden don't fret, we're gonna get one of these Phillies to sign your Rays hat if we gotta stand out here all night
	Tayler: I HATE YOU I WANT TO GO HOME AND PLAY CARNIVAL GAMES FOR THE WII
	RobertEaton: SHUT IT, TAYLER. I ain't gonna argue with you, I know Carnival Games for Nintenda Wii is the best game ever made, but you want autographs so we're gettin em
	Tayler: I DON'T WANT STUPID AUTOGRAPHS
	RobertEaton: YES YOU DO NOW SHUT UP /"pops" Tayler
	Online Host RomeroSpecial has entered the chatroom on the way to the J.C. Romero's Car Chatroom.
	RobertEaton: aw look braden that's j.c. romero he's your favorite, i'm gonna do everything i can to get him over here, i swear it to you
	RobertEaton: J.C.! J.C. ROMERO THE PLAYER! OVER HERE! LOOK AT MY FACE
	RomeroSpecial: hey what's up /drags bags through parking lot
	RobertEaton: YOU SUCK! PHILLIES SUCK! THE J.C. STANDS FOR "JESUS CHRIST YOU SUCK"
	RobertEaton: WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IS SHE AT THE CLINIC BECAUSE YOU GAVE HER A J.C. V.D.
	RomeroSpecial: what is wrong with you
	Tayler: YOUR FAMOUS, I HATE YOU
	Braden: BOOOO, BOOOOO
	RobertEaton: HEY YOU HEARD THE BOYS, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET THEM SOME JUICE, THEY LOVE JUICE
	RobertEaton: AND YOU KNOW WHERE TO GET JUICE, DON'T YOU J.C., IS IT THE GROCERY STORE, OR DO YOU GET YOUR JUICE FROM DRUGS
	RomeroSpecial: I get my juice from over the counter! Tums made me fail that test!
	RobertEaton: YOU USE DRUGS
	RomeroSpecial: That's it! /grabs Robert Eaton by collar, takes a swing
	Tayler: YEAH YEAH KILL HIM, KILL MY DAD
	Braden: J.C. Romero is awesommm
	RobertEaton: Help! Police!
	Online Host An authority figure has entered the parking lot.
	Authority: Excuse me, what's going on here?
	RomeroSpecial: This belligerent redneck got drunk and made an ass out of himself in front of children by hatefully heckling me and expecting me not to do anything
	Authority: Are you famous?
	RomeroSpecial: Yes
	Authority: Are you famous?
	RobertEaton: no
	Authority: /hits J.C. Romero with tennis racket

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

6-29-2009 @ 12:05PM

cincysooner18 said...

I guess you could do one of these for the Rangers, Astros, Royals, Brewers, Reds, Indians, Tigers, Orioles, Nationals, Chi Sox, Pirates, Braves and Phillies. Nice mullet!

6-29-2009 @ 12:40PM

Fred Goodwin said...

What a whiney little girl Eaton is -- I wish Romero had beaten the crap out of him. I contacted the law firm representing Eaton and told them exactly what I thought of the little baby:

http://www.pascolawgroup.com/