The Dugout: Winning Games Is Easy

On Tuesday night's game between the Nationals and Rockies, Alan Embree earned the win without even throwing a pitch. For one night, at least, he got to live the life of a fantasy baseball team owner.

The real story here, of course, is that the win statistic suddenly seems a little trivial. Baseball experts across the board have always agreed that wins are the definitive pitching statistic. ERA? WHIP? Maybe those nerds at the acronym factory are on to something, because a zero-pitch win just doesn't seem right. Then again, Embree was up against the Nationals, and everyone wins against the Nationals.

Wednesday morning's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	GlassHalfEmbree: OH MY GOD COACH
	TracyTakesOn: Oh my God! Did you...it looks like you've tattooed the Batsignal on your chin!
	GlassHalfEmbree: wh but it's the year 2001 and these goatees are all the rage
	TracyTakesOn: No, it's the year 2009 and nothing is all the rage because there is no such thing as "popular culture" anymore.
	GlassHalfEmbree: dawww rapmetals
	GlassHalfEmbree: but anyway, I just got a win.
	TracyTakesOn: How? You didn't even throw a pitch!
	GlassHalfEmbree: Well, that's what the ump told me! He was like, "hey, you know you just got the win, right?" And I was like, "how do I get the win, I didn't even throw a pitch and the game isn't over yet," and you know what he said?
	GlassHalfEmbree: He said, "well, you're pitching against the Nationals. The Nationals are horrible and they have a horrible win-loss record. We're not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, so we've just decided to credit every opposing pitcher with a win."
	TracyTakesOn: Whoa.
	GlassHalfEmbree: yeah, and then he said, "welp, gotta go," and then he un-Velcroed his shoes from the turf and helplessly floated away into the rarefied Denver air
	TracyTakesOn: Those silly out-of-towners, always forgetting to pack their solid-lead shoes
	GlassHalfEmbree: haha yeah /takes drag from oxygen mask
	TracyTakesOn: This is huge, though. Huge. Now we know how to beat the vaunted Nationals lineup. All we have to do is put a pitcher on the mound.
	GlassHalfEmbree: hahaha, vaunted Nationals lineup
	TracyTakesOn: those guys are so horrible
	GlassHalfEmbree: i bet the owner's name is Sucky van Awful the Third
	TracyTakesOn: i bet they all eat losing lottery tickets for breakfast
	GlassHalfEmbree: haha yeah and i bet their fans are all stupid dummies that's not even a joke, i'm just saying
	GlassHalfEmbree: welp, I'm gonna go enjoy the vibrant Denver nightlife
	GlassHalfEmbree: which I guess just means that I'm going to Applebee's nevermind i'll just go home
	GlassHalfEmbree: /stomps home in solid-lead shoes
	OnlineHost A shadowy figure approaches.
	GlassHalfEmbree: ...hello?
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dem wins son
	GlassHalfEmbree: AAAHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: i sait gimme all ya f***en wins lest i garrote ya wit ya own silly ass purple pinstripes
	GlassHalfEmbree: F-fine. Whatever you say.
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /crams wins into mouth mmm
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: these s**ts taste like unfair an outmoded pitchin metrics
	GlassHalfEmbree: that's because they are
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: shut the f*** up, why you wearin them gat dam lead shoes
	GlassHalfEmbree: because the air is thinner here and if I didn't wear them i'd float away
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ha good thing im so f***in fat
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: wheres the closest convenience store i'm a choke the hell outta some aint-do-wells
	GlassHalfEmbree: we don't have any convenience stores we just have one skyscraper, 528 conveniently located applebee's locations, and a power plant
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: like i'm a sit in a f*in applebees an sip on a margarita an eat a bloomin onion like a gat dam dips*
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f*** wrong with you
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: like im a lowest common denominator piece a s* that go to applebees and be like, "yo im at applebees, im havin a good time, look at all this fine fin cuisine, oh look im wearin a fin polo an so is everyone else, whoop de frickin d*
	GlassHalfEmbree: aw man i like applebees
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f***in tool ass bitch
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f*** wrong with this city