You Can Remove Bartolo Colon From Any Milk Cartons

Somebody call Tommy Lee Jones and tell him he can stop searching every warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the Chicagoland area for missing White Sox pitcher Bartolo Colon has been found. Of course, had he started his search at a Waffle House it probably wouldn't have taken nearly as long to find him.

Colon is scheduled to start in Charlotte for the White Sox' Triple-A affiliate on Thursday but was nowhere to be found this week as the White Sox tried in vain to reach him. Where Colon was I'm not quite sure, but at least Ozzie Guillen was nice enough to explain why he was so hard to find for us.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," said the White Sox skipper before his team beat the Indians 5-1 on Wednesday night. "He maybe was in LA at his funeral, because I can't find him. Nobody knows how big of a Michael Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit.

"To talk to Colon, you've got to talk to 20 different people. You got to talk to 30 different cousins, and then to his agent, who talks to his brother, his brother call his wife, his wife say he's with Pedro, Pedro say he's with Juan. I guarantee you I'll call [President Barack] Obama, and we'll have a talk before Colon answers the phone. Obama will put me on hold for one second."

That's true. Obama probably would answer the phone for Guillen just to tell him that if the Sox trade Gordon Beckham for Roy Halladay he'll reopen Guantanamo Bay just for him and general manager Kenny Williams.