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ManuelLabor: ...and if we're gonna keep this lead on the Marlins, we're gonna need pitching help. |
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ManuelLabor: I've talked to the scouts and scoured the Major League looking for the best possible replacements, and I've narrowed it down to two: |
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ManuelLabor: young Fred Sanford, and the guy from Coldplay |
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Vote4Pedro: This is the big one, Elizabeth! |
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HooligansHalladay: when I say "change of scenery," what I am really saying is "get me the hell out of Canada" |
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ManuelLabor: Now, I've gone over your credentials... Pedro, it says here that you won a World Series! |
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Vote4Pedro: that's right, in 2004 a ragtag group of small market misfits won it all thanks to the guidance and inspiration of a midget that looked like the world's ugliest dog |
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ManuelLabor: and that was with the Boston Red Sox, yes? |
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Vote4Pedro: Correct. Current ESPN specials have me giving Don Zimmer the Tiger Driver '84 in the closing moments of game seven to beat the Yankees and win the championship |
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ManuelLabor: According to your Wikipedia page, you spent the last few seasons pitching for the Mets? |
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Vote4Pedro: no, that is a typo. You never know what people will say about you on Wikipedia! No, that would've been too embarrassing |
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Vote4Pedro: I spent the last four seasons giving up runs to illiterate, shoeless eleven-year olds in a poverty stricken dirt field somewhere in the caribbean |
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HooligansHalladay: ugh, the mets, I was gonna say |
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Vote4Pedro: bloggers just want to tear you down, man |
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ManuelLabor: Roy, you won the Cy Young award in 2003 with 22 wins for a team that finished 23-139! |
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HooligansHalladay: yep, and we still finished 20 games ahead of the Orioles |
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ManuelLabor: Pretty impressive for a guy I have never heard of! |
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HooligansHalladay: How have you not heard of me? I started the All-Star Game yesterday. Didn't you see me? |
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ManuelLabor: I don't know if you saw me jog out to the baseline for introductions, but it was horrible... my head started bobbing in a different direction, independently from my body |
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ManuelLabor: after that I shouldn't be expected to hear, see, or understand anything. You're lucky I didn't drop dead Family Guy style beside Hanley Ramirez |
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ManuelLabor: Stan Musial had more grace than me and he sat still in a cart |
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HooligansHalladay: Okay, well, basically I am the best pitcher in the American League, and have been for like seven years |
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ManuelLabor: yeah, but can you hit |
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HooligansHalladay: uh, no |
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ManuelLabor: according to this internet, Pedro Martinez won the Triple Crown in 1999! |
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HooligansHalladay: THE PITCHING TRIPLE CROWN |
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Vote4Pedro: I'm also tied for the all-time record for most stolen bases by an American League pitcher with "none stolen" |
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HooligansHalladay: These figures are misleading! |
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ManuelLabor: I'm just going by what Internet says! In the National League, we like our pitchers to hit! |
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HooligansHalladay: maybe that is why you haven't won a goddamned all-star game in 13 years |
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Vote4Pedro: you're just behind the times, pitching in Canada is sooo 1997 |
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ManuelLabor: right now the Phillies pitching staff is Cole Hamels, Jamie Moyer, the Lady Phanatic, and then Cole Hamels again |
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ManuelLabor: we're supposed to have Brett Myers but he had to have hip surgery... how do we have Jamie Moyer in the starting rotation and a 28 year old guy out for hip surgery |
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ManuelLabor: anyway, what I'm getting at is we need one of you to start pitching for us right away. How quickly can you go on the disabled list |
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HooligansHalladay: I had my appendix taken out, and that is the only thing that has kept me from being consistently awesome for the last five years |
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Vote4Pedro: I'm already on the disabled list. Ow, my shoulder. See? |
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ManuelLabor: Pedro, you're in |
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Vote4Pedro: yesss |
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ManuelLabor: Cole, Pedro is going to be on the 15-day DL for the rest of the season, can you pitch the next 8 games in a row? |
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ColeHamLuke: but Lady Phanatic is better against right-handed batters, and the Marlins have- |
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ManuelLabor: /head begins to strangely bob |
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ColeHamLuke: sighhhhh |
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HooligansHalladay: I'm never going to make it to the playoffs, am I |
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ManuelLabor: I don't know, who do you pitch for now, the Raptors? They've got a pretty good team |
Welcome back to the big leagues, Petey! Three-time Cy Young award winner Pedro Martinez has been signed by the Philadelphia Phillies to bolster their ailing pitching staff as we head into the second half of the season. Pedro signed a $1 million, one-year contract with the World Series champions on Wednesday, and can earn up to $1.5 million in incentives if he pitches at least one game this season without his entire upper body falling off. Pedro in his prime was one of the best I've ever seen, and his career win-loss record is still 115 games over .500. At least he doesn't have to worry about being the oldest guy in the rotation!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
7-16-2009 @ 10:25AM
InspiredTruth42 said...
Brilliance. Sheer frickin brilliance.
Reply
7-16-2009 @ 11:50AM
Frank and Angela said...
HILARIOUS. Somebody better tell Charlie he's been dead for five years. But seriously folks....
Reply
7-16-2009 @ 2:36PM
Donut King said...
This Dugout is dozens of different kinds of hilarious.
Reply
7-16-2009 @ 11:13PM
Pander said...
ManuelLabor: we're supposed to have Brett Myers but he had to have hip surgery... how do we have Jamie Moyer in the starting rotation and a 28 year old guy out for hip surgery
Win win win.
Reply