The Dugout: Luncheons Are for Mortals

On Friday, the Braves celebrated Greg Maddux's election into their Hall of Fame by throwing a luncheon in his honor. Baseball fans, of course, recognize him as one of the greatest pitchers of all time. However, he's about as much of a pop-culture presence as Hideki Irabu (Maddux pieced together a shoo-in Hall of Fame career as quietly as possible; Irabu was mentioned in the series finale of Seinfeld).

I'd venture to guess that Maddux isn't bothered by this in the least. He humored his peers, but I suspect that he spent the entire luncheon silently reciting the Periodic Table of Elements to himself, or trying to remember whether Calvin Coolidge died before or after Herbert Hoover.

A Dugout in honor of Greg Maddux is after the jump. Greg Maddux is ambivalent.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Greg Maddux Honorary Luncheon Chat!
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: /taps microphone I'm so glad you all could make it to this luncheon. I would tap a wine glass to begin proceedings, but Greg specifically requested that we drink tap water out of Dixie cups.
	maddux.xmission.com: /looks up from Sudoku puzzle mm? /continues working on Sudoku puzzle
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: I hope you all enjoy the Pop-Tarts he also requested as our main course. He custom-ordered them with no frosting or filling.
	maddux.xmission.com: yes, the pop-tarts people were like, "mr. maddux, without the frosting or filling, you would literally be eating sweetened drywall," and i replied, "jackpot"
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: Haha. That's Greg Maddux for you! He's all business!
	maddux.xmission.com: could we please hurry up with the proceedings? my sofa is not going to scotch-guard itself
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: Sure, of course.
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: Well, my most colorful memory of Greg Maddux was this one time I caught him in San Diego. Must have been 1995.
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: I signaled for a slider. He shook it off. Then I signaled for a fastball down and in. He nodded. Then he threw a fastball down and in.
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: Imagine that! What a character!
	maddux.xmission.com: yes, i remember. it was 84 degrees at game time. there was a half-moon that night. that day's new york times crossword puzzle answers were: 2 across, "belgium," 4 across, "cilantro," 6 across, "alpha centauri, 8 across...
	maddux.xmission.com: /pauses to sniff the air
	maddux.xmission.com: has anyone in this room read "the fountainhead" within the last month? because i swear
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: What?
	maddux.xmission.com: /stares expectantly
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: Anyway. Greg Maddux has helped me out in more ways than one. Remember how I used to have that huge mole on my face? Well, one time we were in the clubhouse. He performs a ninety-minute lecture on Nash's Game Theory, and I was so bored that my mole fell off.
	AllThePerezEddiesMen: To Greg! /raises Dixie cup full of tap water
	maddux.xmission.com: ugh, that's Fulton County tap water, don't drink that s***
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: /steps up to podium. You know, I played with Greg Maddux for almost a decade. He was very low-key.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: No, seriously, he was very low-key. He recorded himself plunking the lowest key on a piano once every four seconds, and listened to the recording for three hours before each game.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: He didn't even have a place of his own. Immediately after showering, he would lie face-down and motionless on the locker room floor. We'd wake him up the next morning.
	maddux.xmission.com: mattresses are irrational extravagances
	maddux.xmission.com: sigh sorry to be a stick in the mud
	maddux.xmission.com: have fun in candy land, you tools
	maddux.xmission.com: /returns to Sudoku puzzle
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Part Cy Young, part Rain Man, part Borg, part loaf of bread. That just about sums up Greg Maddux.
	SuttonDeath: /takes podium
	SuttonDeath: Greg, let me tell ya. Today is a special day. I knew you'd be in the Braves Hall of Fame.
	maddux.xmission.com: good work, nostradamus /looks down at puzzle, furrows brows
	maddux.xmission.com: what's the fifth most populous city in spain?
	SuttonDeath: What? I thought you were playing Sudoku.
	maddux.xmission.com: mind your own business hmm
	maddux.xmission.com: BILBAO! /scrawls "BILBAO, DON'T FORGET" on hand
	SuttonDeath: You ought to get an iPhone for stuff like that.
	maddux.xmission.com: what could the internet possibly tell me that i don't already know
	SuttonDeath: Greg, what is it like to be so much smarter than everyone around you?
	maddux.xmission.com: you want to know what it's like?
	maddux.xmission.com: when you see a moth flying around in your house, and you know you could kill it
	maddux.xmission.com: but then you wonder whether this moth will eat your food and chew through your clothes, and you know he won't
	maddux.xmission.com: so you sit and stare at him as he rests on the wall. you know you're better than him, smarter than him, but you wonder whether it's your given right to squash him
	maddux.xmission.com: you think about it, and then you decide it's just as well to let him ground out to shortstop
	maddux.xmission.com: or maybe fly out to david justice. different method, same result.
	SuttonDeath: You're laid-back, rational, and efficient. We get it. We all get it.
	SuttonDeath: But you're frustrating the hell out of me. I don't buy it.
	maddux.xmission.com: try me
	SuttonDeath: Remember that time about fifteen years ago? A sick kid was supposed to throw out the first pitch at Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. You were his favorite player.
	SuttonDeath: Shortly before the game in question, he died.
	maddux.xmission.com: ...
	SuttonDeath: Since you were his favorite player, you took his place. You threw out that first pitch. They said that you cried.
	maddux.xmission.com: mm
	SuttonDeath: Are you crying? You're crying, aren't you?
	maddux.xmission.com: i am cleansing my tear ducts of foreign toxins
	SuttonDeath: You're crying.
	maddux.xmission.com: sometimes emotions are efficient

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

7-18-2009 @ 6:59PM

Donut King said...

Tomorrow he returns to his job as an accountant for some national tax firm.

7-18-2009 @ 9:07PM

Paul said...

I was at the game last night, and one of the speakers said they only saw Maddux fidget twice -- at the luncheon and while on stage during the retirement ceremony. It was great.

And any dugout that features Maddux is great.

7-20-2009 @ 8:07AM

cincysooner18 said...

If I rememer correctly, Eddie Perez was 0-for-206 in the postseason while Javy Lopez sat on the bench waiting to pinch hit down 3-1 in the eighth inning of every damn postseason game that Maddux ever pitched for Atlanta.