RicePilaf: Mr. Selig? I'm here in Cooperstown, and

bud_is_wiser: Okay, sorry, who are you?

RicePilaf: Jim Rice.

bud_is_wiser: Hmm. Okay, I remember you were a big happy black guy who played in the 80s.

RicePilaf: Yeah. There are like 50 guys who fit that description, though.

bud_is_wiser: aaahh

this is like playing a game of Guess Who where everyone looks exactly like Dave Henderson

RicePilaf: I'm the one that's in the Hall of Fame.

bud_is_wiser: Okay, Rickey Henderson was a skinny happy black guy, so you're not him. Are you Randall Simon?

RicePilaf: I

RicePilaf: Anyway, I'm here at the Hall of Fame, and there's no sign of Rickey anywhere.

RicePilaf: Anyway, I'm here at the Hall of Fame, and there's no sign of Rickey anywhere.

bud_is_wiser: Well, he's not easy to spot. He's faster than Superjesus Carl Lewis Roger Bannister.

And he crouches low to the ground as though he's perpetually in the office from Being John Malkovich. Keep that in mind.

RicePilaf: That's not all. I'm looking in his dressing room now. On his desk there's a Trapper Keeper that has "HALL OF FAME SPEECH" puff-painted on it in cursive.

bud_is_wiser: That's against regulations! We issue regulation Hall of Fame speeches.

RicePilaf: I was meaning to talk to you about that. The speech I was issued is just a shoebox full of little scraps of paper. One says "I want to thank," another says "My old hitting coach used to say," another says "HUMILITY RESPECT INTEGRITY," another is "It really puts things in perspective"

bud_is_wiser: That's right. Pick one out, read it, cry, pick another out, read it, cry, repeat for 15 minutes, smile, leave the public consciousness forever. If you need help with this, watch Bruce Sutter's speech.

RicePilaf: Who's Bruce Sutter?

bud_is_wiser: /shrug

RicePilaf: The thing is, Bud, Rickey's speech is an 884-page manifesto written on crackled parchment.

RicePilaf: The first 100 pages say "RICKEY HENDERSON."

RicePilaf: Then there are a bunch of schematics or something. One of them is...I mean, I could be wrong. I can't make sense of this drawing. But I get the impression that it's a windmill-looking apparatus that produces wind energy and uses it to power a headless mechanical horse that runs in circles.

RicePilaf: There's a speech bubble coming out of the horse that says "RICKEY THE BEST."

bud_is_wiser: Wow.

You know, I always had the impression that if Rickey had stayed on his home planet, he would have been a successful patent attorney. This bolsters my theory.

RicePilaf: But how is this a speech? Is this even a speech? I mean, the last 600 or so pages are random scribbles and unfinished letters addressed to Kublai Khan.

RicePilaf: Beyond that, I'm worried. It looks like he has a bunch of props sitting around. Are we allowed to have props for our speeches?

bud_is_wiser: sure, Bruce Sutter was a prop

RicePilaf: He's got a watermelon and a mallet. Is he going to do the Gallagher bit?

bud_is_wiser: I don't know. We've got to track him down and ask him what all this

**OnlineHost** Rickey Henderson has signed a contract with the Oakland Athletics.

bud_is_wiser: ohhhhh damn it

we've been trying to induct that son of a bitch since 1996 and EVERY TIME this happens

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Oakland Athletics Chat!

BeaneBall: Glad to have you on the team, Rickey. That Holliday punk had nothing on you.

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Matt Holliday! Let Rickey tell you something about Matt Holliday. Matt Holliday respect the game, respect the game. But Rickey Henderson say, if Matt Holliday were a holiday he'd be Halloween. He's spooky. Rickey Henderson ain't spooky. Rickey Henderson steal your bases in the nighttime, you wake up the next morning, brush your teeth, make some eggs, stab them eggs with a fork, put them eggs in your mouth, get up, swallow your eggs, walk outside, your bases ain't there 'cause Rickey Henderson took your bases, you go home make more eggs nothin you can do, you eat more eggs.

RickeyAndTheHendersons: You know how Rickey learned to steal bases?! Rickey lived in the woods. For 3000 years Rickey lived in the woods. Talked to the Great Tree of the Forest. Great Tree said, "Rickey Henderson, if you ain't steal 1000 bases, I'm turn you into a goat." Rickey ain't wanna be a goat! Rickey look like he wanna have big old horns and gallop around like some kinda doofus! No! Rickey don't!

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Rickey got real good at stealing bases. The other day I went to throw my almonds in the laundry. You know, laundered almonds. Real good. Got back from the laundry room and saw 20 bases were stacked there, real neat like. Rickey didn't even remember stealing the bases. 20 years late Roger Clemens says to me, he says, "Rickey, you steal another base from me I'll put a baseball in your ear." Rickey Henderson said, "Shut up. Plus, you are a fat man."

RickeyAndTheHendersons: One time Rickey Henderson ran so fast that Rickey Henderson went into the future. Nah, Rickey just kidding about that. Can't do it. Can't travel through time, it's impossible. That's what the aliens said when Rickey ran to Alpha Centauri. They said "Naw, Rickey, Hell you thinking, you watch too many rated R movies." And maybe that's true, maybe Rickey do. But Rickey have few regrets. Rickey have few.

BeaneBall: Aren't you ever going to retire?

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Naw, Rickey like them, what you call them, vampires. Rickey never age. Rickey a base vampire.

BeaneBall: Sure, but you're going to have to produce. There are people out there with a lot of questions, and you're going to have to answer them on the field. Do you really think you can

**OnlineHost** Rickey Henderson has stolen 26 bases.

BeaneBall: produce at the level that you

**OnlineHost** Rickey Henderson has conducted insider trading and leveraged his bases to steal 82 more bases.

BeaneBall: did when you were younger?

**OnlineHost** Rickey Henderson has accidentally stolen an old lady's purse.

RickeyAndTheHendersons: oops

**OnlineHost** Rickey Henderson has returned the old lady's purse.

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Rickey Henderson ain't always perfect.

BeaneBall: So many people were looking forward to your Hall of Fame speech tomorrow. You're disappointing a lot of people, you know?

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Rickey gotta play. Rickey Henderson always gotta play.

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Hugs and balloons and plaques and genuflection and all that s***?

RickeyAndTheHendersons: Rickey have time for that s*** when Rickey dead.