The Dugout: The Renaissance Man

Posted Jul 26, 2009 9:30PM By Jon Bois (RSS feed)

Within four short years, Tony Pena, Jr. has mastered the art of hitting.

There is nothing more that he can possibly accomplish with the baseball bat. As such, he's planning on becoming a pitcher.

To you and I, pitching is a hopelessly sophisticated art that is fully understood by few and mastered by almost nobody. To Pena, it is merely another domain to conquer.

Your Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Kansas City Royals Chat!
	TreyHillMix: Kid, I'm looking at your stats.
	PenaNoir: My stats?
	TreyHillMix: /looks up from microscope Yes. Your stats.
	TreyHillMix: I'll be honest, i can't figure out how you posted these numbers. Your adjusted OPS in the Majors this year is -32.
	TreyHillMix: How did you get a negative OPS+? Did you murder somebody?
	PenaNoir: no
	TreyHillMix: Did you accrue an overdraft charge at the stats bank?
	PenaNoir: no
	TreyHillMix: Did you use your elf magic?
	PenaNoir: i'm not an elf, this is just the way my ears look
	TreyHillMix: Whatever the case, you're not working out as a position player.
	PenaNoir: you're manager of the Kansas City Royals, who are you going to replace me with?
	TreyHillMix: Yeah, I was thinking about that, and I think I'm just gonna toss a few bales of hay into the batter's box. It won't induce double plays, it'll take one for the team once in a while, and Sidney Ponson can graze on it between innings.
	TreyHillMix: But don't worry! I'm thinking we can convert you into a pitcher.
	TreyHillMix: First thing in the morning, I want you to fly out to our Spring Training complex and give it a try.
	PenaNoir: sure thing, i'm great at flying out
	OnlineHost A month later...
	TreyHillMix: Tony, this isn't going to work out.
	TreyHillMix: Your fastball isn't bad, but the coaches say you don't back up throws from the outfield, and you don't cover first on grounders to the right side of the infield.
	PenaNoir: well that's unfair remember that i've never even reached first base before, so i don't know what happens after that
	TreyHillMix: Sure, but haven't you watched a baseball game before to see what happens once a runner reaches first?
	PenaNoir: nah i never watch the games, i just read the blogs
	TreyHillMix: Well, I'm not giving up on you yet. We've got a place for you here. We just have to figure out what it is.
	OnlineHost A month later...
	TreyHillMix: Tony, I figured you'd be great in the public address booth. I really did.
	TreyHillMix: There isn't much to it, you know? Just play theme music when players come to the plate. Play the chicken dance song when the game gets slow.
	TreyHillMix: But no. You play Animal Collective non-stop for three hours. Animal Collective sucks.
	PenaNoir: pitchfork gave them a 9.6!!
	TreyHillMix: oh they did? huh, nevermind, animal collective is cool
	TreyHillMix: Still, Farnsworth isn't happy that we're not playing the Cleopatra 2525 theme as his entrance music. I don't think this is going to work out.
	OnlineHost A month later...
	PenaNoir: you wanted to see me coach?
	TreyHillMix: Kid, a month ago I put you on the grounds crew.
	PenaNoir: and?
	TreyHillMix: And every time the tarp rolls out, you dive under it, flail your arms around wildly, and declare that it's your "special fort." Then you start hyperventilating until the team trainer has to fish you out.
	PenaNoir: the fort is always less special in retrospect
	TreyHillMix: I'm finding something else for you. I don't think this is going to work out.
	OnlineHost A month later...
	TreyHillMix: Tony!
	PenaNoir: yes sir
	TreyHillMix: We got you a job at the turnstile. You don't take tickets. You don't pat people down. You're just that one guy who stands there in the polo shirt and the lanyard that says STAFF on it and does absolutely nothing.
	TreyHillMix: I figured there was no way you could screw that up.
	PenaNoir: yeah so
	TreyHillMix: /grabs letter off desk "To whom it may concern, Last night, I took my son to Kauffman Stadium. It was his first baseball game. A Royals employee who identified himself as "Tony Pena" took the baseball my son was holding, autographed it, and smiled. I don't know who Tony Pena is, but he was hoping to have his ball signed by a baseball player. My son was devastated, and when Mr. Pena started to cry, my son started crying even harder. Thanks for nothing."
	PenaNoir: ...
	TreyHillMix: Tony, you're out. You're off the team. I tried to find a place for you, I really did. But I've got to cut my losses. I don't think this is going to work out.
	PenaNoir: sigh sure thing coach
	PenaNoir: /walks down stairs /walks out of concourse
	PenaNoir: /walks out into Kauffman Stadium parking lot
	PenaColada: Hey, kiddo!
	PenaNoir: oh hey dad, what are you doing here
	PenaColada: I heard you ran out of luck. Figured I'd give you a ride.
	PenaNoir: aw thanks dad!
	PenaColada: There's one thing you'll always be. You'll always be my son. /offers handshake
	PenaNoir: uh /awkwardly extends hand
	PenaColada: uh
	PenaNoir: /offers fist bump
	PenaColada: /switches from "handshake" to "fist bump"
	PenaNoir: /switches from "fist bump" to "handshake"
	PenaColada: /switches from "handshake" to "fist bump"
	PenaNoir: /switches from "fist bump" to "handshake"
	PenaColada: I don't think this is going to work out.
	PenaNoir: /slips on banana peel