The Dugout: Manny, Papi, Whatever

In case you have not heard and are unable to read any other words on this page, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz join the list of approximately 100 players who tested positive for steroids in 2003. Ortiz has been vocal about banning players who tested positive, and Manny is currently being celebrated as some sort of RBI-giving folk hero in Los Angeles. The relationship between Ortiz and Manny has been an important one to the development and growth of The Dugout's overreaching narrative, and in times like these we have to dig deeply to find the right thing to say.

Lately, it's becoming harder and harder to find anything "right" to say about steroids in baseball. So, tonight, we attempt to just say everything. After the jump, tonight's Dugout is presented in five different points of view. We encourage you to find the one that suits you best, and enjoy it.

The Dugout

	Angle #1 The Established Joke
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox 2004 Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: shrek 2 try to love he wife, but her famly think he a ugly, so farts happen
	OrtizItThisOne: Then no, I don't want to go see Shrek 2 with you tomorrow night.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: k
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u wan play spies
	OrtizItThisOne: Sure. What do spies do?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: strds /opens Backyardigans lunchbox to reveal Backyardigans thermos, 30 syringes
	OrtizItThisOne: I don't know... I worked really hard to get this fat on my own. Are you sure steroids are something I need?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u could always b fatter
	OrtizItThisOne: Hmmm... okay, but don't tell anybody I did these, okay?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ok papi u can trus manny /writes "PAPI" in large letters onto piece of paper with crayon, mails to the New York Times
	OrtizItThisOne: I hope nothing good happens to us this season, I wouldn't want to put a black eye on any magical baseball moments by doing this
	MannyTheTorpedoes: is ok miggy mannel was on strds too so is ok
	OrtizItThisOne: Really! Then I guess alcoholism and bashing myself over the knees with a sledgehammer is okay too
	OrtizItThisOne: In the name of baseball! /does steroids
	MannyTheTorpedoes: manny being mantle
	Angle #2 The New York Sports Fan's Point of View
	Online Host Welcome to the New York Yankees/Boston Red Sox Rivalry Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ahhh help papi im not any good at baseball
	OrtizItThisOne: Me either, what the hell! Argh, I'm so bad! And I'm fat!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i just looked at our stats and boy let me tell you, based on certain stats we are incredibly overrated
	OrtizItThisOne: I'll say! That is why we haven't won a World Series in 86 years. Do you know how many championships the Yankees have won?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: 26! i know because i am secretly obsessed with the yankees and want to play for them, but i am not good enough
	MannyTheTorpedoes: and so dumb! i look and play like a retard
	OrtizItThisOne: You know what I bet would make us better? STEROIDS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: but, but, but papi, only players who aren't good enough to win resort to cheating like that
	OrtizItThisOne: Ha ha! That is why we have to do them! But make sure nobody knows!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: if you say so... i can't make any decisions on my own
	OrtizItThisOne: If that's the case, you should also take these weird hormone treatment drugs! They'll make you really f***ing crazy!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: nom nom nom nom /eats the drugs
	OrtizItThisOne: Now everyone, listen to my plan... we're going to STEAL THE WORLD SERIES!
	Angle #3 The Boston Sports Fan's Point of View
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox More Than A Team Chatroom!
	OrtizItThisOne: Hey, you didn't do any steroids, did you Manny?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: No, of course not. I only did steroids before I came here, and I will do them when I'm traded. But not here.
	OrtizItThisOne: Good. You wouldn't want to tarnish the legacy of the Boston Red Sox. In my opinion, we are MORE than a team.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: expound
	OrtizItThisOne: Sure, we are a baseball team, but we are SO MUCH MORE than that! I cannot progress any further with this statement
	MannyTheTorpedoes: No need, Big Papi, I wholeheartedly agree. Do you know what I find interesting?
	OrtizItThisOne: What's that?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: These photos I found of Derek Jeter having gay sex with Alex Rodriguez. Can you believe these guys? What a couple of homosexuals.
	OrtizItThisOne: I would love to laugh about the cheating, homosexual Yankees with you, but I am too busy winning baseball games to talk, brb!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: Take your time, I will also be busy winning baseball games, and not doing drugs.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: I love Boston! :)
	Angle #4 The Wistful, Poignant Point of View
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox "Nothing More Than A Team" Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: papi... papelbom jus came to me, say he on drugs
	OrtizItThisOne: What? I can't believe it! Are you sure?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ya he say he toog some strds an now he scared, he not know what to do who to tell ...
	OrtizItThisOne: Hmm. I see. He only took "some" steroids?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: only a little, he knows its bad but strds are spost to make you good at base ball he wants to be the bes
	OrtizItThisOne: I know, it can be tough. I've been tempted to take steroids myself. I used to be skinny, and I thought they'd make me big and strong, to hit home runs.
	OrtizItThisOne: Important, clutch home runs that I wouldnt' have been able to hit unless I was on drugs.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ya thats what he sed, he say he want to hit so many dingers ppl remember him when hes goen
	OrtizItThisOne: but Manny... Jonathan is a pitcher, he doesn't bat. Is there.. is there something you want to tell me?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i... i... /begins to cry
	OrtizItThisOne: Oh God, Manny, who made you feel like this? Who? WHO? /holds Manny in his big fat arms
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i jes love base ball sooo muchhhh boo hoo hoo hooooo
	Angle #5 The Only Reasonable Point of View Left to Have
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox Chatroom!
	OrtizItThisOne: Hey Manny, are you on steroids?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: yep how bout u
	OrtizItThisOne: Yep. Me and everyone else who has ever played baseball.
	OrtizItThisOne: Hey, I'm not doing anything after the game this afternoon, you wanna go out and buy airplanes?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: AIRPLANG

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

7-31-2009 @ 4:04PM

James said...

Is this writer desperate for something to write about or what. Where are the pictures of A-Roid, Pettitte, Clemens, Bonds, Giambi, Sota, Sheffield, Jason Grimsley. etc. etc. etc. Maybe this guy needs to find out if Britney Spears is out of rehab.