So once again, The Dugout calls upon the insights of Bobby Cox and Charlie Manuel to puree the month of July into a series of easily-digestible puns. Read it after the jump.
The Dugout
ManuelLabor: hey, didja hear about ort?
BobbyCoxer: ort? who's ort?
ManuelLabor: ortiz the guy who did the steroids!
BobbyCoxer: holey moley! that's a knee-slapper!
ManuelLabor: don't slap yer knee!
BobbyCoxer: why shouldn't i slap manny? he did the steroids too!
ManuelLabor: BOI-OI-OIIING
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: i thought communion wafers were simply made outta flour an' water! but there's more to the recipe than that!
ManuelLabor: how'd ya figure that?
BobbyCoxer: 'cause i got ryan church!
ManuelLabor: D'OH!
BobbyCoxer: literally!
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: how 'bout that! francouer's been traded!
ManuelLabor: why'd fran trade her coors?
BobbyCoxer: 'cause it impairs yer ability to walk!
ManuelLabor: just like jeff francoeur!
BobbyCoxer: DAWWW CRAP APPLES
ManuelLabor: how'd ya acquire him in the first place?
BobbyCoxer: selected him in the miller genuine draft!
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: i don't put hot sauce on my food.
ManuelLabor: why come ya don't?
BobbyCoxer: so it don't bernazard!
BobbyCoxer: i don't put bernazard on my players.
ManuelLabor: why come ya don't?
BobbyCoxer: 'cause my organization ain't a joyless, all-consuming maelstrom of self-immolation and poor color coordination!
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: i heard ya got cliff lee an' pedro martinez!
ManuelLabor: yep! took 'em with my digital camera!
BobbyCoxer: a digital camera? i'm too old-fashioned for that!
ManuelLabor: how's that?
BobbyCoxer: i like to develop my pitchers!
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The Dugout
ManuelLabor: didja hear about erin andrews?
BobbyCoxer: no
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: somethin's fishy! a fielder won the home run derby? did he bat with his glove or somethin'?
ManuelLabor: naw, ya dunderhead, that was prince fielder! y'know, cecil fielder's dad?
BobbyCoxer: i thought his pops was rickey henderson!
ManuelLabor: why come?
BobbyCoxer: 'cause he "hindered" his "son"!
ManuelLabor: how'd he do that?
BobbyCoxer: through a series o' disastrous financial decisions, a gamblin' habit, a judgmental disposition, an' the cultivation of a dysfunctional family environment!
ManuelLabor: haw haw, that's rich!
BobbyCoxer: no it ain't!
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The Dugout
BobbyCoxer: now that the tampa bay rays took the "devil" outta their name, ya think they get to go to heaven?
ManuelLabor: they can't! mark buehrle pitched a perfect game against 'em!
BobbyCoxer: what does that have to do with anything?
ManuelLabor: they can't walk through the buehrle gates!
BobbyCoxer: well surely st. peter will let 'em through! after all, the team plays in st. petersburg!
ManuelLabor: i thought the rays played in tampa bay!
BobbyCoxer: not specifically! tampa bay's just a metropolitan statistical area!
ManuelLabor: you met RuPaul at an statistical area???
BobbyCoxer: OHHHH YOU GOT ME AGAIN
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See, this is why I love the dugout so much. Insightful commentary regarding the difficulties inherent in growing up in the shadow of a baseball superstar while trying to forge your own identity. And words that make me laugh, like BOI-OI-OIIING.
July was some kind of month. We saw, among other things, a perfect game, an All-Star Game, an exodus of players to competitive teams, our monthly ration of steroid drama, and a baseball executive who was fired for throwing down his shirt as though it were a gauntlet and challenging his players to a fight.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
7-31-2009 @ 10:07PM
Donut King said...
Who's on first?
Reply
7-31-2009 @ 11:54PM
acheron2112 said...
I seriously hope this continues to be a recurring series.
Reply
8-01-2009 @ 12:55PM
jsdfj said...
I don't know which is better: this, or the Speculation Station.
Reply
8-01-2009 @ 12:55PM
James said...
Jon Bois has way too much time on his hands. These 'articles' of his are about as funny as a car wreck.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Reply
8-01-2009 @ 12:55PM
Paul said...
This and Speculation Station are amazing.
Daw DING DONG DAMMIT
Reply
9-01-2009 @ 8:57PM
marinerhousewife said...
See, this is why I love the dugout so much. Insightful commentary regarding the difficulties inherent in growing up in the shadow of a baseball superstar while trying to forge your own identity. And words that make me laugh, like BOI-OI-OIIING.
Also, that is actually one hilarious baby laugh.
Reply