The Dugout: Kiss The Sheff Goodbye

There has been some confusion this week about the status of Bip Roberts-esque MLB journeyman Gary Sheffield. Early reports said that Gary had been released by the New York Mets, or that he had threatened to leave the team over a contract extension, or that he had told reporters he was "done" after Thursday's game. Well, whatever was going on, Sheff is staying with the Mets. This is great news for New York, as Sheffield leads the team in homers (10) and RBI (43). Hahaha, and it is AUGUST.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	KissTheSheff: and another thing, this is the last time you will ever see me, go to hell and die, sincerely yours gary sheffield
	Online Host KissTheSheff has left the New York Mets Clubhouse Chatroom!
	InstructionManuel: sigh
	DudleyDoWright: Hey skip, is everything okay? What's going on? He looked pretty mad!
	InstructionManuel: it's all right, he asked the Mets for a contract extension and they refused, so now he has quit the team forever.
	DudleyDoWright: uh oh, should I be worried? Should I preemptively inform my family that I am not a racist?
	InstructionManuel: He just needs a day off to clear his thoughts.
	Online Host KissTheSheff has entered the chatroom!
	KissTheSheff: /walks over to locker, begins dressing for batting practice
	DudleyDoWright: Hey Gary, welcome back!
	KissTheSheff: the only reason i came back is because so few african-americans are entering and exiting this chatroom, you watched this happen and did nothing
	KissTheSheff: if you do not remedy this vague, esoteric problem in the next fifteen seconds i quit the mets
	InstructionManuel: QUICK, SOMEBODY TELL RAZOR SHINES TO SIGN OFF BEFORE-
	Online Host KissTheSheff has left the chatroom forever!
	InstructionManuel: ah crap
	DudleyDoWright: Oh gosh coach I'm sorry, what did I do??
	InstructionManuel: David, you remember the pamphlets we handed out, as a white man you are not allowed to directly address Gary Sheffield
	DudleyDoWright: Oh no! This is what happened to Ryan Church! Aww you're gonna trade me now, too!
	InstructionManuel: No, you and Ryan are completely different animals.
	InstructionManuel: You are a majestic lion, striding gracefully through the veldt. Ryan was more like Wheelie Willy, that one handicapped dog who always wears jean jackets
	Online Host KissTheSheff has entered the chatroom!
	KissTheSheff: hey look i don't want to play for your team anymore but i just found out my wife slept with al b. sure so i don't really have anywhere else to go
	KissTheSheff: do you need a pinch hitter or anything
	InstructionManuel: sure
	KissTheSheff: before i pinch anything i need a contractual guarantee that this at bat will last at least seven pitches and include constant reassurance in the form of you saying "good eye" to me when i choose not to swing
	KissTheSheff: otherwise i will have to rescind my offer and strike out elsewhere
	InstructionManuel: okay let me go get a piece of paper
	KissTheSheff: sorry you snooze you lose, maybe i will pinch hit for you in the next life, when we are both cats
	Online Host KissTheSheff has left the chatroom forever!
	DudleyDoWright: Coach, you've got to do something! He's our clean-up hitter! He leads the team with "homerun!"
	InstructionManuel: This is basically a repeat of how his tenure with the Marlins, Dodgers and Braves all came to their ends.
	InstructionManuel: It's also how his tenures with the Brewers, Padres, Yankees, Tigers, Orioles, Blue Jays, Rays, Indians, Royals, Twins, White Sox, A's, Rangers, Mariners, Angels, Nationals, Phillies, Cardinals, Cubs, Astros, Reds, Pirates, Rockies, Giants, Diamondbacks, Expos, and San Diego Surf Dawgs ended.
	DudleyDoWright: /counts on fingers
	DudleyDoWright: Wait, he hasn't played for the Red Sox?
	InstructionManuel: hahaha no, Gary would be in a constant state of snowblind rage if we sent him to Boston.
	InstructionManuel: we're sending everybody else there, though
	Online Host KissTheSheff has entered the chatroom!
	KissTheSheff: i just came back to sit down on the bench in the dugout while yall play the game, and occasionally stand up and bat
	KissTheSheff: the deeper philosophical realization is that the new york mets are what is best for my family, i will put aside my differences and get paid alongside the mostly dominicans
	InstructionManuel: That sounds great.
	KissTheSheff: ...
	InstructionManuel: ... ?
	InstructionManuel: ... are you staying for real, this time?
	KissTheSheff: maybe, how can we tell
	InstructionManuel: When you were younger you looked like Cowboy Curtis from Pee-wee's Playhouse! Cowboy Curtis was an Uncle Tom! Black babies don't want to grow up to be the King of Cartoons anymore!
	KissTheSheff: RRRRRAAAHHHHH I'LL KILL YOU YOU MOTHEFU oh i am so old, let me just lie down in the outfield for a while
	KissTheSheff: zzzzzzzz
	InstructionManuel: See? I told you everything would work out.
	DudleyDoWright: That's great. We can't afford to lose a player like Gary. He makes everyone around him better. He really exemplifies everything that is good with baseball.
	InstructionManuel: You really think so?
	DudleyDoWright: no, I just got hit in the face by a baseball