**OnlineHost** Welcome to San Diego Padres Chat!

MarkPrevious: Coach, I feel like I can pitch again.

MarkPrevious: Let me restate that. I think I can pitch again. I can't feel anything because the other day I fractured every single one of my nerve endings while attempting to make toast.

back_in_bud: Simply "being able to pitch" isn't enough for this team, Mark. We can't give our pitchers any run support.

MarkPrevious: Well, what's your strategy? Small ball? Swing for the fences? What?

back_in_bud: Adrian Gonzalez gets on base and makes a series of shrill bird noises in an attempt to distract the pitcher. If it works, he gets balked around the bases and scores.

back_in_bud: I tell all the other hitters to drop their bat, run directly from the batting circle to first, and start rounding the bases. If we try it enough times it's bound to work. Law of Batting Averages and all that.

MarkPrevious: oop, hold on, I think my appendix ruptured

back_in_bud: Does it hurt?

MarkPrevious: i don't know

back_in_bud: What do you mean you don't know?

MarkPrevious: i am physically unable to know things. i was riding my bicycle one day and my head was blown off by a cannon ball

back_in_bud: But you still have a head!

MarkPrevious: you ever been to a JC Penney and seen a headless mannequin? well that's because i stole it

MarkPrevious: also i've found that i've inherited a preternatural ability to stand still and model carpenter jeans that no one should buy

back_in_bud: Wh--what's wrong with carpenter jeans?

MarkPrevious: they make you look like a domesticated juggalo

**OnlineHost** The team doctor has entered the chat room.

Doctor: Hey, I just found Mr. Prior's medical history.

back_in_bud: And?

Doctor: It's not pretty.

MarkPrevious: Well of course not. I've been on the disabled list so many times that you would not believe how many times I have been on the disabled list.

Doctor: /flips through pages on clipboard

Let's see...

Okay, one time you broke your elbow while trying to sign a contract extension.

Doctor: /flips

You walked over to flirt with some women on the beach, and you fell into the ocean and drowned.

Doctor: /flips

You were having a conversation with someone once, and you nodded to the other person in agreement, and your ear fell off.

Doctor: /flips

You were sent to the disabled list after picking a fight with a 13-foot-tall emaciated man who could run 45 miles per hour and breathed Africanized killer beetles out of his mouth.

Doctor: Mr. Prior, how are you still alive?

MarkPrevious: Someone once told me that I'm like the skeleton Koopa Troopas from Mario 3. Whenever I'm touched by anything, my skeletal structure completely collapses.

MarkPrevious: Then I get back up, slowly lurching back and forth between the side of the sewer pipe and the brick wall, waiting for an Italian midget to knock me down again.

Doctor: I have to warn you both. If Mr. Prior returns to baseball, it could be dangerous.

Doctor: If you take a line drive to the arm or someone breathes on you or something, there's a serious risk of you completely falling apart and losing your complex molecular structure. You'd collapse into a plasma-like stew of carbon, water, and salt.

back_in_bud: And if that happens, is his career over?

Doctor: Well...

/flips through pages on clipboard

Doctor: I suppose there's the possibility that, given hundreds of millions of years and a massive electrical spark, such as a bolt of lightning, the salts and water could react with each other, resulting in the phenomenon of abiogenesis. Bacteria would form and eventually evolve into more complex forms, and eventually the 90 trillionth descendent of you could -- I stress, could -- find himself in a society in which people play baseball, the San Diego Padres exist, and they're looking for someone to fill the fifth slot in their rotation.

MarkPrevious: Hmm. We could try that.

back_in_bud: yeah yeah let's try that