The Dugout: The New York Mets Live in a Fallen World

Posted Aug 24, 2009 6:10PM By Jon Bois (RSS feed)

The Mets enjoy a large payroll, a new stadium, and a large city that boasts millions of loyal fans, so it's difficult to make the argument that God hates them. But He clearly holds a grudge, as evidenced by Sunday's bottom-of-the-ninth, rally-killing, unassisted triple play. It was the second time in the history of Major League Baseball that a game ended with such a play. Then a plague of frogs descended upon Citi Field, and it was good.

This evening's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Mets-Phillies Bottom of the 9th Chat!
	OnlineHost Eric Bruntlett has muffed two ground balls, allowing runners on first and second.
	InstructionManuel: This is impossible.
	DudleyDoWright: My God. When was the last time that two things in a row went right for us?
	InstructionManuel: I think it was the time I sat down in a chair without it falling out from under me, then I proceeded to eat an entire apple without accidentally biting my tongue. That was in June, I think.
	InstructionManuel: Then a clown rode into my kitchen on a unicycle and hit me in the face with a pie. Then my house fell down.
	InstructionManuel: I suppose we should savor the moment while it lasts, because Francoeur's up.
	DudleyDoWright: No way! This is providence, don't you see? There's no better situation to have Strikeout Jesus at the plate. The one thing we can't have in this situation is a double play, and you can't strike out into a double play.
	InstructionManuel: My God, you're right. FRANCOEUR! HEY!
	InstructionManuel: /gives "strikeout" sign
	FrancoeuAmerican: /misses sign
	InstructionManuel: /gives sign
	FrancoeuAmerican: /misses
	InstructionManuel: /gives sign
	FrancoeuAmerican: /misses /grimaces, takes off batting gloves, walks back to dugout
	InstructionManuel: Get back out there! You haven't batted yet!
	FrancoeuAmerican: ~~WHOOPS SORRY COACH~~
	InstructionManuel: sigh always with the font
	DudleyDoWright: So what now?
	InstructionManuel: He strikes out, and the next batter comes up.
	DudleyDoWright: But all our other batters are on the disabled list. Our 5-hole hitter was hastily assembled out of K'Nex this morning, and we weren't able to procure any hinges or other moving parts.
	InstructionManuel: I know, son, but at least we'll have a chance. It's all in God's hands.
	**Welcome to Mansion of Heaven Chat!
	God: /adjusts headset
	God: Thank you for calling Heaven. This is God. How may I help you?
	WordUpThome: WELL HELLO GO
	WordUpThome: GOD THIS IS JI
	WordUpThome: JIM THOME
	God: sighhhhhh Jim. Hello, how are you doing?
	WordUpThome: SIR I FEEL AS LUCKY AS THE TALLEST GRASSLING ON A FRESHLY MOWN LAWN
	WordUpThome: BUT I WAS WATCHING THE TELE-VISION AND I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT SOMETHING
	God: Jim, My love for you is unending, but my time isn't. I bestowed Wikipedia upon Man so that I could increase prayer-answering efficiency. Please use it.
	WordUpThome: WELL THIS IS A MORAL DILEMMA
	WordUpThome: POOR OLD JIM JUST TRUTHED UPON THE TRUTH THAT BASED BALLS ARE MADE OF COW HIDE
	God: Yes.
	WordUpThome: HOW MANY OF MINE BOVINE BROTHERS HAVE SNUFFED IT FOR THE BENEFIT OF SELFISH JIM'S HOME RUNS AND GROUND OUTS
	God: Hold one moment.
	God: okay, carry the five, multiply by, pffffpfpfpffff
	God: All right. The surface of a Major League baseball is about 27 square inches. The average surface area of a full-grown cow is 58,590 square inches. So a cow is the equivalent of about 2,170 baseballs.
	God: To date, you have 2,129 base hits. Add that to every foul ball, ground out, pop up, etc., that you have ever hit, and it's safe to say that you have hit the equivalent of three dead cows. Congratulations.
	WordUpThome: FOLLOW UP QUESTION: DID THE ALMIGHTY YOU AFFORD THESE SOWS WITH A SOUL
	God: I'm sorry, I'm going to invoke my "be a frustrating jerk" clause and refuse to answer.
	WordUpThome: THAT IS NOT COOL LORD GOD
	God: lol
	God: Here's something to think about, at least. What if I made you an animal instead of a person? How would you feel about it?
	WordUpThome: INDEED WHAT IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME PAWS
	WordUpThome: YOU HAVE GIVEN ME PAUSE
	OutlookExpress GOD, you have 1 pending appointment: "URGENT: MAKE SURE METS LOSE"
	God: Oh my Me, I forgot. Jim, please hold.
	OnlineHost Welcome to Mets-Phillies Bottom of the 9th Chat!
	FrancoeuAmerican: /swings
	InstructionManuel: oh no
	FrancoeuAmerican: /hits into the 15th unassisted triple play in the history of baseball
	InstructionManuel: AHHHHHHHSDJKGALGA
	InstructionManuel: /reaches for bat rack, breaks bat in half Someone show me how to perform hara-kiri. Like, now.
	DudleyDoWright: Sure thing, Coach! First you empty a sack of marbles into your mouth, then you imbibe a bunch of liquor and you
	InstructionManuel: no, no, that's harry caray
	OnlineHost Welcome to Mansion of Heaven Chat!
	WordUpThome: O LORDED GOD, WHY COME DO YOU HATE THE METS WITH SUCHLY WRATH
	God: I give them the gift of artistic appreciation, and they come up with a blue-and-orange color scheme that looks as though it were conceived by a colorblind masochistic one-year-old.
	God: You'd do the same thing.
	WordUpThome: THE LORD IS IRKED IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

8-24-2009 @ 8:49PM

Donut King said...

I'm not sure I can live in a world where God is bothered by the spoken word of JI

JIM THOME

8-24-2009 @ 10:58PM

Ralph Garcia said...

First of all I have to make a joke here. You shouldn't have a picture of God as catholics will see it and want to bow down to it(every time they see an image of Jesus, they come from miles away to bow down to it). Okay I believe it's justice for Mets fans. I'm a Yankee fan and for years Mets fans have heckled the Yankees. This goes on even the years the Yankees have won championships. They're almost as bad as the BOAST On Red Sox fans. As small as Marlins crowds are, they also heckle Yankee fans who help their Landshark Stadium sell out when the Yankees play there. We could kill them as we outnumber Marlins fans 12 to 1 in Miami. What I'm saying that Mets fans are so arrogant it's no wonder this happened to them this season. Every city a Yankee fan is in, he's heckled. Even in our hometown of New York city. Even if the Mets are in last place, we get heckled. When the Mets blew a lead the last two Septembers, my cousins who are Yankee fans in NYC got heckled by Mets fans for wearing their Yankee caps. For the Mets bad luck, I say thank you God.

8-29-2009 @ 7:43PM

scrungemo said...

omg you're pathetic.

8-24-2009 @ 11:17PM

tifosiotaku said...

This is hands down the funniest thing ever. I love you guys.

8-24-2009 @ 11:44PM

Paul said...

Oh, how I don't miss Frenchy. I sat through too many of his strikeouts with the Braves, and this hit home.

As always, superb dugout.

8-25-2009 @ 12:59AM

metsmaniac013 said...

How can a Yankee fan hate the Mets? It's the haves and have-nots! It's pure jealousy on our part, we wish we'd enjoyed any success, ever. You can take the moral high road. No reason for you, or for God, to hate us. And also, blue and orange was our way of paying homage to the teams that came before us. Seems to me God takes offense with the black alternates-we haven't won anything since we started wearing them

8-25-2009 @ 1:26AM

s said...

i think it's because the Mets sold their collective souls to win the '86 WS.
When they demons of that year are payed, perhaps the Mets will break the curse. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen for a while.