The Dugout: When to Stop Laughing at Lenny Dykstra

Since learning how much of a misanthropic jerk Lenny Dykstra is capable of being, it's been harder and harder for the public to hold any sympathy for him, even when his plight gets worse and worse. The reluctance is completely justified.

With that said, The Dugout now undertakes the unenviable, and perhaps foolhardy, task of writing Dykstra as a sympathetic figure. Read it after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to 1993 Phillies Alumni Chat!
	CarpetsOfDaulton: So MY theory is, there are like a billion dimensions, only three of which we can experience.
	CowboyCurtS: if we can't experience other dimensions, how do we know about the other dimensions?
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Well, I can experience them.
	CowboyCurtS: how
	CarpetsOfDaulton: I'm special.
	CowboyCurtS: Sigh. You're the boring kind of dumb. Where's Dykstra? He's the fun kind of dumb.
	DirtyMorandini: haw haw yeah, dykstra's the fun kind of dumb!
	CowboyCurtS: shut up morandini, you look like an unshaven sarah plain and tall
	DirtyMorandini: :(
	OnlineHost Lenny Dykstra has entered the chat room.
	TardAsNails: HEYYYYYYY
	CowboyCurtS: Lenny! There's our favorite millionaire awesome guy!
	TardAsNails: /points to tie Guess you could say the score is...tied! In the baseball game!
	TardAsNails: (we are baseball players)
	CowboyCurtS: ZING!
	CarpetsOfDaulton: uh that didn't make any--
	CowboyCurtS: So what's been up, Lenny?
	TardAsNails: Oh, you know me! Busy being a business man! In fact, I have a lot of great ideas about business.
	CowboyCurtS: Let's hear 'em!
	CarpetsOfDaulton: oh no
	TardAsNails: Well the other day I was packing for a vacation and I was like, "Packing is the pits!" So I thought of, like, this motorized microwave cart on wheels. You strap a suitcase to the top of it. The suitcase has a motor in it that makes it open and close real fast. So you turn this stuff on and it rolls around your house and the suitcase eats up all your stuff!
	CowboyCurtS: haha oh no!!!!
	TardAsNails: No! That's what I was thinking! But see, now all your stuff is in your suitcase already! You can just pick it up and go on your vacation!
	CowboyCurtS: WOW THAT'S AMAZING LENNY
	TardAsNails: And then I have this idea for this thing you attach to your refrigerator. Every time you open it, a speaker comes on and says, "GOOD MORNING, MARTIN!"
	CarpetsOfDaulton: what if your name isn't martin
	DirtyMorandini: what if it's afternoon already
	CowboyCurtS: (shhh, shut up you guys)
	CowboyCurtS: That sounds great, Lenny! I know like a billion people named Martin who like aliens and open refrigerators before noon. You've got a target audience!
	TardAsNails: Thanks! I don't know how I get all these great ideas. I didn't even go to the business store.
	CowboyCurtS: Business school?
	TardAsNails: Yeah, business school. /shakes open garbage bag I've got to go to the bathroom store, guys. I'll be right back.
	OnlineHost Lenny Dykstra has left the chat room.
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Curt, what the f***?
	CowboyCurtS: What?
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Why are you giving him so much crap?
	CowboyCurtS: Aw come on, it's funny.
	CarpetsOfDaulton: He doesn't think it's funny. He doesn't know any better. It's just not cool, making fun of him like this.
	CowboyCurtS: He asked for it. He's an irresponsible, sexist, racist jackass.
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Yeah, but...it's almost like talking to a six-year-old. I feel like he doesn't understand what he's saying. Like, he's not all there.
	CowboyCurtS: Speaking of "not all there." You cobbled together your philosophy out of spare parts from Modest Mouse lyrics and the Disney Channel remake of Groundhog Day, so how about you just shut up?
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Whatever.
	DirtyMorandini: haw yeah whatever
	CowboyCurtS: shut up morandini, you look like a fetal lemur
	DirtyMorandini: :(
	OnlineHost Lenny Dykstra has entered the chat room, dragging what is obviously a garbage bag full of toiletries behind him.
	CarpetsOfDaulton: What's in the bag, Lenny?
	TardAsNails: Uh, it
	CarpetsOfDaulton: Did you just raid the restroom for toiletries?
	TardAsNails: Nnn Nnnnnnnnnoo!
	TardAsNails: I was, okay. I went in the bathroom and there was this GUY in there. He was like, "I'm the Taliban. Get the freak away from me before I cut you." He had an enormous knife.
	TardAsNails: So I killed him and put him in this bag.
	CarpetsOfDaulton: if that's the case we should probably notify the authorities, don't you---
	CowboyCurtS: So hey man! Hey, Lenny! You got any more awesome ideas you can share with us?
	TardAsNails: /facial expression instantly changes from pensive grimace to beamish grin
	TardAsNails: Awww! You guys just wanna steal my great ideas, don't you!
	CowboyCurtS: /throws up palms Hahaha! Guilty as charged! Haha!
	TardAsNails: Okay, well the other day I was sitting in my driveway and I saw a couple of little rocks together. I started rubbing them together and it made this rock powder stuff.
	TardAsNails: So I got some more rocks and started doing the same thing until I have basically a whole bucket full of it. And I was like, "this is like the powder that ladies put on their faces!"
	CowboyCurtS: Wow! That's true!
	TardAsNails: So I take this FREAKING BUCKET /mimes lifting bucket
	TardAsNails: And I go to the Macy's. The part of the Macy's with the weird mirrors and pretty women. And I ask them if they wanted to buy it from me so they could sell it to ladies! They said they'd think about it. I gave them my address.
	CowboyCurtS: Oh, you still have an address! I was worried there for a moment! Good thing you live in a home!
	TardAsNails: Y- Yeah!
	TardAsNails: Well hey guys, I'd better sleep. I'm going to go to a business meeting and talk about business with others as well as myself. We're going to talk about solutions for a smarter planet!
	CarpetsOfDaulton: oh my god, someone actually pays attention to the IBM commercials
	CowboyCurtS: Great seeing you man. You need to make all these ideas a reality. You'll make billions of dollars.
	TardAsNails: R-really? You think so?
	CowboyCurtS: Sure! And hey, don't forget your Taliban.
	TardAsNails: Oh thanks! Almost f-forgot! Well, see ya guys!
	OnlineHost Lenny Dykstra has left the chat room.
	CowboyCurtS: aaaaahahahahahaha
	CarpetsOfDaulton: You're a d***, man.
	DirtyMorandini: yeah man
	CowboyCurtS: shut up morandini, you look like an aborted lamp post
	DirtyMorandini: :(
	OnlineHost Welcome to Lenny Dykstra Chat!
	TardAsNails: /rummages through garbage bag while walking to car Shaving cream! Well, what do you know about that! Ought to come in handy!
	TardAsNails: /drags garbage bag through driveway, spots newspaper
	TardAsNails: Ooh! /picks up newspaper, gets in car
	TardAsNails: /opens paper
	OnlineHost "DYKSTRA HITS ROCK BOTTOM"
	TardAsNails: Hmm. Sure wish I knew how to read!
	TardAsNails: /lies down across passenger seat, unfolds newspaper over self
	TardAsNails: /tosses, turns
	TardAsNails: /falls asleep

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

8-27-2009 @ 9:17PM

Donut King said...

If I didn't dislike all four of these guys at some point in my childhood . . . I'd probably have something brilliantly stupid to say right now, instead of just saying . . . .

FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!!!!!

8-27-2009 @ 11:43PM

Max said...

Brilliant Jon.

kfogs1957 said...

That was unbelievably funny. Isn't it crazy how important these idiots thought they were at one point in their lives? Just goes to show, take a stupid man, and blow some some smoke up his a%*, and he becomes more stupid. I watched the Bernard Goldberg interviews of Dykstra, and read Schillings macho man reads on life over the years. How did these guys find women to marry and pro-create with them?? I'm a Mets fan but god what a disgrace. Phillies had all three of these losers.