The Dugout: Blauch Buster

As reported earlier today, former All-Star, World Series champion, and all-around somewhat competent baseball player Chuck Knoblauch has been charged with hitting his common-law wife in the face and choking her like she was a female police officer. Since his premature retirement at the age of 34, Knoblauch has steadily and consistently descended into a weird kind of personal madness usually reserved for aging soul singers and professional wrestlers.

There aren't a lot of details at this time, so tonight's Dugout heads back to the glory days of the Yankees and revisits the Knob gobbler in his prime. Warning: this Dugout contains frank discussions about domestic abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the 1999 New York Yankees Chatroom!
	ChastityBelt: hey man what's up
	PrairieDon: Not much, man, just growing out the old "soup ruiner." How are you?
	ChastityBelt: Pretty good. Thinkin bout beating the sh** out of my wife
	PrairieDon: That's cool. You watch Friends last night?
	ChastityBelt: Aw, I forgot. What happened?
	PrairieDon: Joey got a hernia, and realized he didn't have insurance. Heh, and he's got a hernia, so he's trying to do stuff, but he can't, and ... aw you have to watch it, it was pretty good
	ChastityBelt: sounds like it!
	PrairieDon: Yep. So what makes you want to beat your wife?
	ChastityBelt: I dunno, I was bored, and a Yankee, so it sounded like a good idea. Plus she's been really pissing me off lately.
	PrairieDon: Beating your wife is a great way to pass the time. You see where Chuck Finley married that lady from Whitesnake? I'd like to give beating THAT woman up a go.
	ChastityBelt: there was a lady in Whitesnake?
	PrairieDon: the best is when you beat her up for no reason, like when she cancels the cable TV at your ranch, and you just flip out and shove her to the ground and spit in your face
	PrairieDon: I mean I've never personally done that, but it would be great if one day my kids could grow up and experience that
	ChastityBelt: I'm not sure how to do it, though. Any tips?
	PrairieDon: Have you tried hitting her in the mouth?
	ChastityBelt: yeah, I threw a punch, but it landed twenty feet to her left
	PrairieDon: Why don't you ask some of the other guys? I know a lot of them are senselessly abusive pricks
	ChastityBelt: I was thinking about asking Jeter, he seems like a real piece of-
	PrairieDon: Nah, don't ask him.
	ChastityBelt: Why not?
	PrairieDon: we're going to give him sh** for the next 20 years, but honestly he's like the one decent human being on this ballclub
	PrairieDon: try asking Clemens
	Online Host Later
	OldLOL: /injects liquified tootsie roll into ass cheek
	ChastityBelt: I don't need to know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop
	OldLOL: then why the f*** are you talking to me
	ChastityBelt: I need some advice about beating my wife. I don't want to hurt my hands!
	OldLOL: did you try wearing a glove
	ChastityBelt: Yeah, but it didn't do anything
	OldLOL: i wish i could help you but i don't really beat my wife, i just introduce foreign substances into her body and then sleep with 15 year olds
	OldLOL: if you want your wife to sprout a monstrous muscle arm and go on a rampage i could probably hook you up with that
	ChastityBelt: This might be too much work for me. I don't want to work hard. Who do I look like, Craig Biggio?
	OldLOL: you aren't craig biggio? who the hell are you, i don't have time for this, i have anal swabbing to attend to
	OldLOL: just find the absolute worst person you can and ask him, chances are he beats his wife
	Online Host Later
	hawaiian_crackers: Have you tried running her over with your car?
	ChastityBelt: Uh, I don't know if I want to take it that far, I just want to smack her around a little.
	hawaiian_crackers: I was gonna offer to do it for you, but I'm too drunk to read what you're saying
	hawaiian_crackers: oh my god try a bite of this chicken marsala, it is f***ing DELICIOUSSSS /holds up chicken wad
	ChastityBelt: no thanks. I think I'm going to leave the chatroom, looking at your face makes me feel like I have Lou Gehrigs Disease
	hawaiian_crackers: your loss, I'm never going to stop eating this stuff
	ChastityBelt: you know anybody I could ask about smacking around a woman I'm supposed to love?
	hawaiian_crackers: the trick is to find someone with experience in that field
	Online Host Later
	StrawberryWhine: and when you hit her, make sure you hit her hard enough to break her nose
	ChastityBelt: I don't know if I can hit that hard, I'm Chuck Knoblauch!
	StrawberryWhine: then when you hit her, turn around and start running as fast as you can
	ChastityBelt: But I can't run fast, either!
	StrawberryWhine: What can you do well? How did you get onto the Yankees?
	ChastityBelt: nothing, really, I showed up to audition for the Little Rascals movie and they put me on the Twins
	StrawberryWhine: well if you can't hit her hard enough to keep her down and you can't run away, be prepared to get hit back
	ChastityBelt: Get hit?? I don't want to get hit! Who do I look like, Craig Biggio?
	StrawberryWhine: honestly you are basically "Craig Biggio if he had Lou Gehrigs Disease"
	ChastityBelt: I'm not sure I'm masculine enough to take a punch, if I had any kind of manhood in me I wouldn't be hitting a woman in the first place
	StrawberryWhine: then maybe you should ask one of the coaches, but stay away from Torre, he HATES domestic violence
	ChastityBelt: yeah seriously, what's the deal with that guy
	StrawberryWhine: he acts like an idiot sometimes, but he's smart, he just doesn't always let you know... he carefully chooses when to be knowledegable
	ChastityBelt: so you're saying that he picks his knows
	StrawberryWhine: before you go, you wanna buy some crack
	ChastityBelt: no thanks, Jason Grimsley already hooked me up. Haha, this really is a team full of awful people, isn't it
	Online Host Later
	NietoMosquito: BEAT Y'R WIFE? Now why would y'wanna go n'do a thing like that? That's 'gainst th' law, Chuck!
	ChastityBelt: I was just going to hit her a little bit
	NietoMosquito: I don't wanna be a tat'ltale or what have 'ya, but I've gotta tell sum'body!
	ChastityBelt: Now hold on a minute, Tom, don't do that, I was just-
	NietoMosquito: wull... wull you was jus' nothin'! Th' Yankees are a team of tr'dition an' fam'ly values! R'spect an' Amurican pride!
	NietoMosquito: Mr. Jeter! Mr. Jeter come quick, Chuck was jus' plannin' t'... /looks into locker room, pauses
	NietoMosquito: /gets dejected look on face /shuffles back into chatroom
	NietoMosquito: Mr. Jeter's kissin' a 'nother young man on his mouth, he'll be with ya in two shakes.
	ChastityBelt: sighhh whatever... /tries to sit down in chair, crashes through nearby window

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

9-30-2009 @ 3:05AM

Abe Froman said...

Uh...Mr. Stroud? I think you forgot that Progressive Boink no longer hosts the Dugout; I mean this was raunchy!

Loved every second of it.

9-30-2009 @ 8:55AM

Donut King said...

"ChastityBelt: yeah, I threw a punch, but it landed twenty feet to her left"

Someone had to go there . . . and Tino was all like 'DUBYA-TEE-EFF, FOOL?!'

9-30-2009 @ 9:32AM

KingGreat said...

So Knoblauch was married to Keith Olbermann's mom's face. It all comes together.

9-30-2009 @ 4:08PM

Paul said...

Tom Nieto is back. Hell yes.

9-30-2009 @ 4:27PM

Mark said...

PrairieDon: Yep. So what makes you want to beat your wife?
ChastityBelt: I dunno, I was bored, and a Yankee, so it sounded like a good idea. Plus she's been really pissing me off lately.

I'm a Red Sox fan and I found this to be offensive.Joking about abuse is sick. How'd you like to be the one on the short end of it?

9-30-2009 @ 4:51PM

B said...

Hopefully this isn't going to be as bad as the time I made fun of Xavier Nady for having Crohn's Disease.

9-30-2009 @ 6:19PM

wmwass said...

I find all of this to be extremly and disgustingly, offensive. Making light of professional athletes or anyone else engaging in violence against women is in very bad taste and quite possibly criminal. I think the participants
in all of this banter should be just a little bit worried!

10-01-2009 @ 9:56AM

Wan Xion said...

boo hoo

9-30-2009 @ 7:32PM

TheWeave said...

This might have some of the best screen names ever. Hawaiian Crackers? ChastityBelt? Awesome. B, if you don't want people to get offended, go back to making references to the Wire. Since no one has watched it, you will be okay.

9-30-2009 @ 8:39PM

Will said...

Heh, I wonder if all those who are offended by this have read the Progressive Boink stuff. This is like Dora the Explorer compared to that.

9-30-2009 @ 11:28PM

Max said...

Mark and wmwass, you are a couple of fascist assholes. People have the freedom to say and write what they wish, even if YOU may not agree with it.

10-01-2009 @ 6:56AM

Then I guess you are one as well by your definiton.
Have a nice day

10-03-2009 @ 1:50PM

Thom said...

As someone who has never used the internet before I cannot believe that someone would make light of (insert content of dugout here) in any way, ever. In fact, I think the authors of this post should be worried! Also insinuating that Derek Jeter is a homosexual is insulting to both Derek Jeter and homosexuals. As a Red Sox fan, I am very offended by things blah blah blah.

I'm going to copy and paste this in the comment section of every Dugout that isn't about Tom Nieto working at Radio Shack.