The Dugout: Evening Plans

Unless The Lord decides to once again destroy the evil of the world with a thunderous rainstorm tonight, we're going to get Game 6 of the ALCS between the Yankees and the Angels. By now, we've asked practically every question imaginable. We've analyzed and blogged incessantly about the importance of Jeter, about the managerial decisions, about the umpires. We've jumped to conclusions (Phillies/Yankees!). We've hopped bandwagons. We've changed our point of view. So hey, could somebody up there please just stop the god forsaken rainfall so we can get this series over with?

To further exacerbate this black hole of logical sports discussion, here is a facetious Dugout to be taken seriously by Yankees fans that retreads everything everyone has already said.

The Dugout

	GreasersAndScioscia: all right, the game is starting soon, so let's compare notes... what've you got planned for tonight?
	GirardiAndCola: welp, my plan is to start Andy Pettitte, then take him out in the third inning for absolutely no reason whatsoever
	GirardiAndCola: at that point we bring in Joba, and take him right back out once he's loaded the bases or thrown three pitches, whichever comes first
	GirardiAndCola: after that is a crap shoot, I'm just going to play the percentages
	GreasersAndScioscia: Which percentages are you gonna play?
	GirardiAndCola: 0-100% what about you
	GreasersAndScioscia: I'm going into game six with a strategy based totally on pinch running.
	GreasersAndScioscia: we start our worst, slowest players, and then when one of them happens to get hit by a pitch or walked, we sub at first with Chone Figgins and just start yelling RUN RUN RUN
	GreasersAndScioscia: we're not trying to steal bases or anything, he's going to start running the second he gets out onto the field
	GirardiAndCola: hey, that sounds pretty good, I wish anybody on my team could run
	GirardiAndCola: ah who am I kidding, I'm just going to glare at them and repeat "home run" until they do it
	GreasersAndScioscia: if that fails, we just rely on umpire incompetence. I was thinking of putting my starting 9 in 3-D glasses to render the umps completely unable to see or think
	GirardiAndCola: Why not rely on power hitting? You've got Vlad Guerrero, aren't you always leaning on him
	GreasersAndScioscia: uhhh well yeah, I guess, but somebody accidentally gave Vlad 1% milk this morning intead of 2% and now he isn't going to be able to hit for six weeks
	GirardiAndCola: hey, got a quick question for you
	GreasersAndScioscia: /stands around making this face <---- for rest of conversation
	GirardiAndCola: would you be mad at me if I scratched Pettitte and pitched Sabathia tonight instead?
	GreasersAndScioscia: why would you wanna do that?
	GirardiAndCola: he hasn't pitched since Tuesday, and for Sabathia that is practically a lifetime, I worried that his arm is going to atrophy
	GirardiAndCola: plus I was thinking that if I pitched him tonight, he could be ready to go for game seven
	GreasersAndScioscia: heh, worried that the ol' Yankee empire's gonna get knocked out?
	GirardiAndCola: absolutely not, they won't give me a jersey with "Not 27" on the back. I have reason to believe that a Yankee victory is all but written in the stars
	GreasersAndScioscia: howsat
	GirardiAndCola: Because we are under the guidance of Highfather Derek Jeter, of course.
	GirardiAndCola: We exist as a team only because he tolerates it. Threaten his people, and he will banish you.
	GirardiAndCola: if you stare into his curious eyes until his curious eyes meet your eyes, you will know what I'm saying to be true
	GreasersAndScioscia: Oh man, you're right, I forgot about Jeter. Do you want me to tell the boys to pack it up now, or..?
	GirardiAndCola: no, no, of course not, that would displease the Jeter
	GirardiAndCola: I'll ask him if it is in his infinite wisdom to stop the rain tonight so we can play game six.
	GreasersAndScioscia: Thanks, Joe.
	GirardiAndCola: you do what you've been doing, wheel Vlad's Casey At The Bat swinging ass out there and do your best. We'll see who deserves to be in the World Series.
	GirardiAndCola: and if that looks like it's gonna be you, we'll just whine about it until someone institutes mandatory instant replay on balls and strikes and force-chokes the umpires
	GreasersAndScioscia: but no, seriously, what is the deal with those umpires
	GirardiAndCola: it's fun, they have no idea what's going on
	GirardiAndCola: I mean, we've been playing Xavier Nady in Mark Teixeira's jersey all postseason and they haven't even noticed
	GirardiAndCola: I'm all, "lol he's batting .004 and has to jump every time somebody throws it to first"
	GreasersAndScioscia: hahah I hear you, how else do you think we got into the playoffs?
	GreasersAndScioscia: we actually finished 10 games below .500 this season but we're in the AL West, so they let us in on our word
	GreasersAndScioscia: even the Mariners called ESPN and said "hey guys we didn't lose 100 games this year" and those jokers BELIEVED them
	GirardiAndCola: I don't want to live in a world where the Mariners win 63 games
	GreasersAndScioscia: me either
	GirardiAndCola: so what's the plan for Sunday? Game 7?
	GreasersAndScioscia: nah I was thinking we'd watch some football, because nobody cares about this

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

10-24-2009 @ 8:40PM

Bill said...

Is this writer an idiot? CC pitches Sunday. You think that gives the Angels a better chance? Jerk.

10-24-2009 @ 11:40PM

broinvt said...

CC better not pitch Sunday

10-25-2009 @ 9:19AM

Donut King said...

"GreasersAndScioscia: ...but somebody accidentally gave Vlad 1% milk this morning intead of 2% and now he isn't going to be able to hit for six weeks"

That's the LULZ. No more American Singles for Vlad.