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MLB

The Dugout: Bud Selig Will Fix Baseball

Posted Oct 27, 2009 11:00PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: The Dugout

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Bud Selig is not the kind of commissioner to sit there jamming his fingers up his snout, doing nothing. No, Bud Selig is going to change baseball for the better. Why, right now Bud is probably at his desk, passionately compiling a fool-proof system of plans to increase ticket sales, inflate national interest, and level the financial playing field for all teams. Yes, this is what he's doing, not giving soundbites to the MLB Network about how the World Series is going to be "good." He's racing around helping people. I like to imagine that he has a special car.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

bud_is_wiser: /turns page in spiral notebook, writes "Ideas For Fixing Baseball (cont'd.)" at top of new page
bud_is_wiser: #91 - Install more seats and luxury boxes in Sam Adams Baseball Omniplex (formerly Fenway Park, see #44)
bud_is_wiser: With racially diverse stars like Dustin Pedroia, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jacoby Ellsbury, EVERYBODY is going to want to see them play in SamBO!

bud_is_wiser: /coughs, runs fingers into front of nose


/gets idea, begins writing furiously
bud_is_wiser: #92 - Get Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials to do guest appearances at Progressive Field
bud_is_wiser: The Miller High Life guy hangs out there all the time, how f**king hard could it be
bud_is_wiser: I'm sure SOME people who live in Cleveland would really appreciate it.
bud_is_wiser: #93 - and while we're in Cleveland, we should give Manny Acta the Indians coaching job as an early Christmas present.
bud_is_wiser: it's like when you get a Wii, so you give your 10 year old welfare cousin your old N64 and that's all he's ever had so he thinks it's awesome
bud_is_wiser: #94 - get N64 back from welfare cousin, play the sh** out of some Banjo-Kazooie
bud_is_wiser: #95 - Bring Mark McGwire back to baseball.
bud_is_wiser: Mark McGwire is a very, very fine man and the Cardinals are to be applauded. We just have to keep him away from all trainers, the book of Proverbs, and any and all recording devices.
bud_is_wiser: Best case scenario, young players on the Cardinals learn how to improve, and St. Louis becomes a contender again.
bud_is_wiser: Worst case scenario, he throws Colby Rasmus into that pit of needles from Saw 2
bud_is_wiser: #96 - Put Nick Adenhart's parents on television and ask them how sad they are
bud_is_wiser: Are they VERY sad? Only KIND OF sad? We won't know until HBO asks them.
bud_is_wiser: #97 - Make sure bloggers hit enter twice after every sentence. When you type a period, your paragraph is over! Note: sentence fragments are encouraged.
bud_is_wiser: #98 - Make baseball exactly like football.
bud_is_wiser: /stares at paper for several minutes
bud_is_wiser: /turns to new page in notebook, writes "Football similarities sublist" at top of page, underlines it
bud_is_wiser: 98a. Instant replay should be used regularly, but only at the very end of the game, so that the 9th inning takes an hour and a half
bud_is_wiser: note: all professional sports should feel like the end of a pre-pay gas pump
bud_is_wiser: 98b. See if Manny Ramirez would mind sadistically murdering a bunch of dogs so we can send him to jail for RACKETEERING
bud_is_wiser: 98c. Explain to Manny that you said "racketeering," not "rocketeering," and that the act of killing may not be enhanced by a jetpack
bud_is_wiser: 98d. People don't wanna watch boring old baseball in the summer, they wanna go outsiiiiiiide
bud_is_wiser: Baseball should begin in late September (where it always seems to start getting interesting), and should end sometime in February
bud_is_wiser: The World Series should be held in the darkest, most frigid place we can find.
bud_is_wiser: 98e. hold World Series between Jamie McCourt's legs
bud_is_wiser: 98f. Send that awesome joke to Reader's Digest

bud_is_wiser: /flips back to previous page in notebook


#99 - Make sure all playoff series-winning team members wear googles and plastic ponchos during celebrations to ensure that things stay as exciting and spontaneous as possible.
bud_is_wiser: and.... aaaaaaand... /taps pencil to paper
bud_is_wiser: come on, one more Bud, you have to go for an even 100, you can't fix 99 of baseball's problems.

bud_is_wiser: Wait, what about "a bitch," is that one of baseball's problems? /flips through notebook
bud_is_wiser: #100 - Make sure umpires understand the rules of baseball before... oh that'd be too much work.
bud_is_wiser: #100 - Sue Deadspin for saying I had sex with.... nah, that's not going to work.

bud_is_wiser: Hmmmm.. /stares at paper


/picks both nostrils at same time
bud_is_wiser: Ah. I've got it.
bud_is_wiser: #100 - Give Bud Selig a healthy raise, because he is the best commissioner in the history of Major League Baseball.

bud_is_wiser: /closes notebook triumphantly

Now to put this where everyone can see it!
bud_is_wiser: /stands up
/places notebook on chair
/sits down on notebook
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

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