Bud Selig is not the kind of commissioner to sit there jamming his fingers up his snout, doing nothing. No, Bud Selig is going to change baseball for the better. Why, right now Bud is probably at his desk, passionately compiling a fool-proof system of plans to increase ticket sales, inflate national interest, and level the financial playing field for all teams. Yes, this is what he's doing, not giving soundbites to the MLB Network about how the World Series is going to be "good." He's racing around helping people. I like to imagine that he has a special car.Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
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bud_is_wiser: /turns page in spiral notebook, writes "Ideas For Fixing Baseball (cont'd.)" at top of new page |
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bud_is_wiser: #91 - Install more seats and luxury boxes in Sam Adams Baseball Omniplex (formerly Fenway Park, see #44) |
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bud_is_wiser: With racially diverse stars like Dustin Pedroia, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jacoby Ellsbury, EVERYBODY is going to want to see them play in SamBO! |
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bud_is_wiser: /coughs, runs fingers into front of nose /gets idea, begins writing furiously |
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bud_is_wiser: #92 - Get Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials to do guest appearances at Progressive Field |
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bud_is_wiser: The Miller High Life guy hangs out there all the time, how f**king hard could it be |
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bud_is_wiser: I'm sure SOME people who live in Cleveland would really appreciate it. |
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bud_is_wiser: #93 - and while we're in Cleveland, we should give Manny Acta the Indians coaching job as an early Christmas present. |
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bud_is_wiser: it's like when you get a Wii, so you give your 10 year old welfare cousin your old N64 and that's all he's ever had so he thinks it's awesome |
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bud_is_wiser: #94 - get N64 back from welfare cousin, play the sh** out of some Banjo-Kazooie |
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bud_is_wiser: #95 - Bring Mark McGwire back to baseball. |
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bud_is_wiser: Mark McGwire is a very, very fine man and the Cardinals are to be applauded. We just have to keep him away from all trainers, the book of Proverbs, and any and all recording devices. |
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bud_is_wiser: Best case scenario, young players on the Cardinals learn how to improve, and St. Louis becomes a contender again. |
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bud_is_wiser: Worst case scenario, he throws Colby Rasmus into that pit of needles from Saw 2 |
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bud_is_wiser: #96 - Put Nick Adenhart's parents on television and ask them how sad they are |
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bud_is_wiser: Are they VERY sad? Only KIND OF sad? We won't know until HBO asks them. |
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bud_is_wiser: #97 - Make sure bloggers hit enter twice after every sentence. When you type a period, your paragraph is over! Note: sentence fragments are encouraged. |
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bud_is_wiser: #98 - Make baseball exactly like football. |
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bud_is_wiser: /stares at paper for several minutes |
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bud_is_wiser: /turns to new page in notebook, writes "Football similarities sublist" at top of page, underlines it |
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bud_is_wiser: 98a. Instant replay should be used regularly, but only at the very end of the game, so that the 9th inning takes an hour and a half |
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bud_is_wiser: note: all professional sports should feel like the end of a pre-pay gas pump |
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bud_is_wiser: 98b. See if Manny Ramirez would mind sadistically murdering a bunch of dogs so we can send him to jail for RACKETEERING |
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bud_is_wiser: 98c. Explain to Manny that you said "racketeering," not "rocketeering," and that the act of killing may not be enhanced by a jetpack |
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bud_is_wiser: 98d. People don't wanna watch boring old baseball in the summer, they wanna go outsiiiiiiide |
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bud_is_wiser: Baseball should begin in late September (where it always seems to start getting interesting), and should end sometime in February |
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bud_is_wiser: The World Series should be held in the darkest, most frigid place we can find. |
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bud_is_wiser: 98e. hold World Series between Jamie McCourt's legs |
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bud_is_wiser: 98f. Send that awesome joke to Reader's Digest |
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bud_is_wiser: /flips back to previous page in notebook #99 - Make sure all playoff series-winning team members wear googles and plastic ponchos during celebrations to ensure that things stay as exciting and spontaneous as possible. |
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bud_is_wiser: and.... aaaaaaand... /taps pencil to paper |
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bud_is_wiser: come on, one more Bud, you have to go for an even 100, you can't fix 99 of baseball's problems. |
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bud_is_wiser: Wait, what about "a bitch," is that one of baseball's problems? /flips through notebook |
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bud_is_wiser: #100 - Make sure umpires understand the rules of baseball before... oh that'd be too much work. |
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bud_is_wiser: #100 - Sue Deadspin for saying I had sex with.... nah, that's not going to work. |
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bud_is_wiser: Hmmmm.. /stares at paper /picks both nostrils at same time |
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bud_is_wiser: Ah. I've got it. |
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bud_is_wiser: #100 - Give Bud Selig a healthy raise, because he is the best commissioner in the history of Major League Baseball. |
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bud_is_wiser: /closes notebook triumphantly Now to put this where everyone can see it! |
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bud_is_wiser: /stands up /places notebook on chair /sits down on notebook |
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Bud seems more like a Majora's Mask kind of guy.
"bud_is_wiser: 98e. hold World Series between Jamie McCourt's legs"
kuh-POW-ee!!!!!
Please to explain how rocketeering does not enhance killing. Other than that, excellent work as always.
ZE GOOGLES, ZEY DO NOTHING.
Googles?
"Wait, what about 'a bitch,' is that one of baseball's problems?"
OH YES
Great comment, but I think the Ellsbury joke doesn't work, considering that he is native american, not white. Thus, although the fact that the Red Sox are traditionally a very white team is sad (and your sarcasm is funny), you used a non-white person in the joke...
Otherwise, loved the Manny part!