The Dugout: The Number Zero

B. Thompson Stroud — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:00:00 EST

Filed under: Florida, Marlins, NL East, The Dugout

Luis Gonzalez is forty years old and will spend his 2008 season with the Florida Marlins, a team whose combined age does not equal forty. I think the oldest player on that team is Billy Marlin, and I think he was supposed to be "born" when he debuted.

There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said on Fanhouse, but I'd like to add "Jeffrey Loria is running his team like a SimCity game he's tired of, so now he's just going to put in a bunch of combustible elements and watch with mild glee as Bowser tramples Florida."

I think he just wanted a guy who'd been a corn maze. You trade the Gonzo, you trade ya bongos, after the jump.

The Dugout

	GonzoBaseball: I just wanted to thank you again for bringing me in.
	fLORIdA: hm. /shuffles papers
	GonzoBaseball: It's a bunch of good young players here. Hopefully, the way I approach the game could rub off on a couple guys and they realize that if they're out there competing and playing hard, it's going to make a difference.
	GonzoBaseball: I've always been vocal in the clubhouse and I'm very energetic. I enjoy being at the ballpark ... I like to have fun but I like to compete too. It's all about going out there and winning!
	fLORIdA: right
	GonzoBaseball: I mean, if you look at my accomplishments you'll know you made the right decision. I'm a World Series hero. Why, without my bloop single the Diamondbacks wouldn't have won it all.
	GonzoBaseball: And you may remember me from my 57 home run season. I know it seems weird that I couldn't hit more than 15 home runs a season when I was in my twenties and then became a power superstar in my mid-to-late thirties.
	fLORIdA: yeah, how'd you do that /signs papers
	GonzoBaseball: I held Brady Anderson by the ankles and swung him like a bat. Little known fact, that guy is a great natural athlete.
	GonzoBaseball: Which reminds me, thank you for choosing me over Sammy Sosa.
	fLORIdA: nobody on the team is old enough to remember High Heat Baseball 2001 and, eh, what else is that guy good for.
	GonzoBaseball: I think the youth movement you've gone for is a great idea. In fact, if you bring in Jeff Kent we could just stand motionless in front of things and people in the clubhouse and make it difficult for everybody.
	fLORIdA: yeah, the youth movement is why I brought you here. You've got a lot of experience, right?
	GonzoBaseball: yessir, 18 years.
	fLORIdA: and you've still got a lot to contribute, right?
	GonzoBaseball: absolutely, just like I was saying before.
	fLORIdA: and you are the Hispanic guy from Sesame Street, right?
	GonzoBaseball: I'm the, uh I'm the what, sir
	fLORIdA: Maria's husband Luis from Sesame Street, the handy-man. Teaches folks the number zero. You're him, right?
	GonzoBaseball: I... I mean, I guess I could-
	fLORIdA: great, we just signed a six-year old to replace Hanley Ramirez after I put him under the gun. Kid can't run to first if he doesn't know his numbers. Get in there and help him out. Start with zero.
	GonzoBaseball: sure thing, boss
	MarlinBrandnew: i'm ownt cookie monster! i'm own't COOKIE MONSTERR COOKIE MONSTER
	GonzoBaseball: today's lesson is brought to you by the number "zero," but first, let's watch this educational video about how Mexican children make "flautas."
	MarlinBrandnew: COOKIE MONSTER COOKIE MONSTOOORR AAAAAH
	GonzoBaseball: he's not listening to me, boss, I think he's trying to undermine your movement.
	fLORIdA: Is that kid speaking in complete sentences? Jesus Christ! Send him to the Nationals for a carafe of hand lotion.

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Dugout: The Number Zero originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments