MLB Mlb Police Blotter

The Newport Beach Police Department landed themselves a doozy of a case on Monday night. Scott Boras, much-maligned baseball agent, had dinner at Bandera Restaurant and returned to a disturbing scene in the parking lot after his meal. His Land Rover bore signs of a brutal assault, with damage to the windshield and driver's side window.

Someone used an unknown hard, long object (that's what she said) during the assault, but police are short on other leads. If they hope to crack the case, they'll probably need to start working in shifts as there's no shortage of people with an ax to grind -- or window to break -- when it comes to Boras.

Federal authorities have asked seven Major League Baseball players -- Greg Maddux, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, J.D. Drew, Andruw Jones, Carlos Pena and Jay Bell -- to return millions of dollars that they received from investor R. Allen Stanford as part of a payout in his alleged Ponzi scheme, according to a report in the Washington Times.

The players -- all clients of Scott Boras -- did not commit any wrongdoing, but, as early investors in the Stanford Financial Group, are believed to have received dividends from Stanford financed by investors that came after.

J.C. Romero can't seem to catch a break. He spends a Manny-esque 50 games banned from baseball for violating the substance abuse policy even though he was following the rules, and nobody really knew what was going on, so they just suspended him anyway. Then he gets accused of physically assaulting a man for making disparaging remarks about said suspension after a Phillies/Rays game on Thursday. The fan, "Robert Eaton," claims that he was tossed around after asking Romero to get him some juice. That's always happening to me, too. My Mom is so mean!

Romero never got the man the juice, and now he's probably going to pay for it by getting suspended again. That's called an assumption, folks, we here at The Internet™ are great at those. One thing we're not good at is accurate reporting, so I will stop here and inform you that the transcript from that night's events has been logged and reported here for posterity. Form your own opinions. Personally, I think J.C. Romero should've gotten the Alabama Jam.

Said transcript is after the jump.

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain didn't have it very easy as a child. His mother, Jackie Standley, had problems with both alcohol and drugs and as a result, Joba was raised by his father. Of course, Joba's father didn't have things much better. Sure, he wasn't addicted to drugs, but he did have polio and a host of other maladies while Joba grew up.

Since Chamberlain reached prominence with the Yankees last season, his mother has made overtures that she'd like to get back into her son's life, and even has a shrine of sorts dedicated to him in her home. Well, I'm not so sure that Joba is going to want to give her another chance once he hears what she's been up to lately. Namely that whole selling meth to an undercover cop thing.

We've learned quite a bit about Alex Rodriguez over the last few years, haven't we? Probably a lot more than any of us ever wanted to know, quite frankly. His love for muscular blondes and his own reflection aside, the most important revelations about Rodriguez have been the ones that have to do with him on a baseball field -- more specifically, his use of performance-enhancing drugs.

This spring, A-Rod admitted he took steroids while with the Texas Rangers, but only because a new book by Selena Roberts exposed the truth, and he had no choice. Now that same book is closer to being released, and a whole bunch of new allegations about his steroid use outside of Texas, along with the fact he may have tipped pitches to opponents, has put him under the spotlight again. The difference is that this time Alex isn't talking, so MLB has decided to take the matter into it's own incompetent hands.

Earlier this week former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich appeared in a Chicago courtroom to plead not guilty to 16 different criminal counts, which for some reason did not include a horrible haircut. As anybody in Illinois is already aware of, besides being a criminal, Blagojevich is also a huge Cubs fan.

After all, one of the crimes he's being charged for includes pressuring the Chicago Tribune to be nicer to him in exchange for state financial help in trying to sell Wrigley Field. As it turns out, Blago was also in the business of trying to help out Cubs manager Lou Piniella fill out his lineup card in handwritten letters that the Tribune has gotten their hands on.

Note to self: Do not attend any baseball games in Los Angeles without a kevlar vest on. It's just too dangerous.

Last week after the Angels opened their season in Anaheim a fan named Brian Powers lost his life after he got into a fight with a couple of other fans as they were leaving the ballpark, and he struck his head on the hard concrete. Then on Monday, with the Dodgers having their home opener at Dodger Stadium against the hated San Francisco Giants, another man finds himself in critical condition after being stabbed repeatedly in the Dodger Stadium parking lot after the game.

The Chicago Cubs will be having their home opener at Wrigley Field on Monday afternoon, or at least they're hoping to. You see, the weather in Chicago right now includes a lot of rain in the area all day, so there's a pretty good chance that the game may be rained out. If this does happen, you can be sure that there will be some Cubs fans making the joke, or being serious, that this is the latest omen of the curse against the team.

Of course, Opening Day rainouts can only happen to the Cubs because they're cursed. (It's not like Opening Day for the White Sox was snowed out or anything.) This sounds incredibly stupid, I know, but there are Cubs fans who would actually believe it to be true. They believe in Billy Goat curses and Steve Bartman, and now these same fans (morons?) also apparently believe that hanging dead goats from Harry Caray statues will bring a World Series to Chicago.

Curtis Granderson is a very popular guy in Detroit. Tiger fans love him because he's not only a good baseball player but an energetic young man and, by all accounts, a pleasure to be around.

He's so popular, in fact, that someone is impersonating him on the Internet (obviously the one true sign of being totally cool and universally loved). Specifically, someone is posing as Granderson under the Match.com screen name, Curtis4soulmate.

Joba Chamberlain seems like a pretty cool dude. So surely he's watched Reno 911 on Comedy Central. (Those things are, after all, not even remotely considered mutually exclusive.) Or perhaps he hasn't. After all, as The Smoking Gun found in the video below, he did fall for a classic gag when arrested for DUI recently, discussing a DUI stop on the show with the officer who pulled him over, believing that what appeared on the show was real. At least he's not the first one to think that.