MLB FanHouse

Mark Buehrle's Perfect Game Lands Him Coveted Letterman 'Top 10' Spot

Will Brinson — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:30:00 EST

Filed under: White Sox, MLB Fans, MLB Media Watch, MLB Video, MLB Satire

Reading the Top 10 on the Late Show with David Letterman is truly an honor, yada-yada-yada. Well, thing is, if you pull off something awesome in the sports world -- winning the British Open, throwing a perfect game -- you'll probably get to appear on television and read some Top 10 list related to your accomplishment. Mark Buehrle, fresh off a perfect game, did just that recently, with a pretty funny list (it made him laugh while reading it, so clearly he practiced) of "Things That Went Through Mark Buehrle's Mind During His Perfect Game."

Mark Buehrle's Perfect Game Lands Him Coveted Letterman 'Top 10' Spot originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Baseball Brunch: Halfway Home

Ed Price — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 10:00:00 EST

Filed under: Athletics, Blue Jays, Brewers, Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Indians, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Orioles, Padres, Rays, Red Sox, Rockies, Royals, Tigers, NL East, MLB All-Star Game, MLB Awards, World Baseball Classic, MLB Satire, MLB Inside Scoop, Baseball Brunch, MLB Trade Deadline

Every Sunday, MLB FanHouse empties out its notebook in Baseball Brunch.

The most remarkable thing about this season as we hit the not-halfway halfway point of the All-Star break isn't Albert Pujols' RBI total. Or Zack Greinke's ERA. Or the PED suspension of one of the game's biggest stars.

It's the standings. And they not only reflect the season so far, they give us a clue as to the weeks head leading up to the non-waiver trade deadline.

The Phillies and Dodgers are the only first-place team with a lead of more than 2 1/2 games. And 21 of the 30 teams are within 7 1/2 games of a playoff spot: nine of 14 in the AL and 12 of 16 in the NL.

Teams have been waiting for the contenders and pretenders to shake out and loosen up the trade market. But other than Philadelphia pulling away a bit the past few days, things just keep getting tighter instead of clearer.

While parity and more teams in the races might make Major League Baseball happy, the economy hasn't. And that too affects the trade market, as contracts will be hard to dump.

"Scary quiet," as an official from an AL team told FanHouse last week about trade buzz.

The official predicted that many of the trades that are consummated will be "money-for-money" deals - teams swapping contracts they'd like to move instead of someone taking on money.

The first half, though, made plenty of noise of its own. And we're ready to present our first-half award winners.

We could give you the MVPs and Rookies of the Year to this point, but the Baseball Writers' Association of America wisely waits until season's end, and so will we.

Instead, we'll hand out some different hardware:

o. Choo Choo Coleman Award: to the Nationals, who are making a run at the 1962 Mets for record atrociousness. With a green rotation and overripe bullpen, Washington has gone 10-12 when scoring six or more runs - and no team has ever finished with a losing record when scoring more than five.

o. We Aren't The World Award: to the pitchers who worked in the WBC and have struggled and/or been hurt in the major-league season - Daisuke Matsuzaka, Matt Lindstrom, Jesse Crain, Damaso Marte, Rafael Perez, Edinson Volquez, Luis Ayala, Oliver Perez, Joakim Soria, Jonathan Sanchez, Ian Snell, Armando Galarraga, Carlos Silva, Jeremy Guthrie, Joel Hanrahan, Roy Oswalt, Scot Shields and J.J. Putz. OK, could be coincidence. Or it could be a reason to wonder if the WBC is a good idea that just isn't feasible.

o. I'm Not Dead Yet Award: to Gary Sheffield, released late in spring training by the Tigers and now, improbably, leading the Mets in home runs.

o. Trap-Door Bullpen Award: to the Indians, who have used 20 relievers already. Not that it's helped. The record is 33 relievers, by the 2002 Padres, who went 66-96.

o. Deserted in the Desert Award: to Dan Haren, whose Arizona teammates won't score runs for him, leaving him just 8-5 despite a 2.16 ERA and 0.83 walks plus hits per inning - the latter of which would rank sixth-best in history.

o. Venus de Milo Award: to Cito Gaston, for managing Toronto to a decent record despite a lack of arms. The Blue Jays have put 10 different pitchers on the disabled list this season.

o. Over the Hill Gang Award: to the Athletics, who added veterans Jason Giambi, Nomar Garciaparra and Orlando Cabrera in the offseason - and are in the bottom three in the AL in runs scored.

o. Triple Lindy Award: to Pirates rookie Andrew McCutchen, who hit five triples in his first 17 career games.

o. Mirage Award: to the three NL West teams that played past game No. 162 in 2007, Arizona, Colorado and San Diego. Two have already fired their manager from that season, and the Padres are dreadful. Maybe those teams were just above-average in a bad league two years ago and overestimated how good they were.

o. Road Sweet Road Award: to the Mets' David Wright, who has hit .304 with runners in scoring position at home (with more strikeouts than hits) and .382 with runners in scoring position on the road.

o. John Dillinger Award: to the Tigers, who stole Edwin Jackson from the Rays for Matt Joyce. Jackson is second in the AL in ERA and first in opponents' batting average.

o. The Time and a Half Award: to the Padres, who work overtime. San Diego has played an 18-inning game and a 16-inning game this year. Of course, the Padres have made up for all those extra innings pitched by going 12-31++ on the road, avoiding a lot of bottom of the ninths.

o. Bg Htter Award: to Pujols, who knocked the "I" out of the "Big Mac Land" sign at Busch Stadium with a homer on May 21. Pujols has four grand slams already; no one has ever had more than six in a season.

o. Breakthrough Player Awards: Joey Votto, Ben Zobrist, Adam Lind, Jason Bartlett, Casey McGehee, Jason Kubel, Shin-Soo Choo, Mark Reynolds, J.P. Howell, Matt Cain, Josh Johnson, Jair Jurrjens, Wandy Rodriguez, Nick Blackburn.

Overheard and Understood

o. The Red Sox's approach to the trade deadline will depend on third baseman Mike Lowell's progress in his recovery from a strained right hip. "I think we're just keeping an eye on Lowell, basically, which is a big question mark," one Boston official said. "We need to help our offense." The Sox looked at the Rockies' Garrett Atkins, but "the asking price is a bit too steep for him" and Colorado didn't like what it saw of Boston reliever Takashi Saito. Arizona is trying to shop Chad Tracy, but he hasn't looked good. So Boston's best option, if Lowell doesn't recover soon, could be to get a first baseman, which is "easier to do," and put Kevin Youkilis at third.

Chart of the Week
How do the NL East contenders match up? Well, the Phillies, Marlins, Braves and Mets are a combined 31-8 against the woeful Nationals. And when you measure those four against the other three, you see no team stands out - with Atlanta having played the best in the head-to-head-to-head-to-head matchups:
Team	Vs. Other Three
Braves	11-8
Marlins	10-10
Phillies	12-13
Mets	11-13

o. Baltimore is one of the few teams that knows it's in position to sell, with Aubrey Huff and reliever Danys Baez (Twins, perhaps?) good trade candidates because they are eligible for free agency after the season. But the Orioles aren't interested in a fire sale, according to a source familiar with their plan. Because the O's went 5-20 last September and 10-19 in September 2007, they want to avoid showing their fan base another flat finish.

"One of the [Baltimore] goals is to be competitive the latter half of the season," the source said. "That [coast to the finish] is the one thing [president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail] doesn't want to have happen again."

Consequently, Baltimore will need to be overwhelmed to deal closer George Sherrill, and while it might have listened on Guthrie, that won't happen now since Koji Uehara is out with a sore elbow.

Huff may wind up a target for Detroit, which could use some left-handed pop but the Tigers prefer someone more versatile or at least able to play the outfield (they inquired on Washington's Adam Dunn, but the finances didn't work). Detroit's concern would be getting Huff regular at-bats, since he's limited to first base and DH. The Orioles have been checking out some Tigers affiliates, and with not much there in the way of high-ceiling prospects, it could take a package of multiple minor-leaguers to get Huff.

o. According to a person familiar with the Indians' clubhouse, part of the problem in Cleveland has been the impatience of management. Players are looking over their shoulders, the person said, feeling that if they don't produce for a couple of games in a row, they will get benched. The Tribe has had a revolving door at second base, shortstop and left field.

o. Kansas City has not had a position player make the All-Star Game since Mike Sweeney in 2005.

o. Dodgers manager Joe Torre will serve as a coach at the All-Star Game. "Coaching is the easiest thing in the world to do at an All-Star Game," he said, "because you don't have to do anything. I just told Charlie [Manuel], I said, 'I'll keep track of the players for you.' "

o. The jersey of Dodgers catcher Russell Martin reads, "J. MARTIN." It's a tribute to his mother's side of his family, where the last name is Jeanson. Martin's full name is Russell Nathan Jeanson Coltrane Martin Jr.

o. The Rockies do need relief help. They have been using Joel Peralta and Matt Daley to set up in front of closer Huston Street and those two "are not set-up guys," one scout said.

o. Rays phenom David Price was better Thursday, but his problem all year has been that he has become, as one scout put it, a "one-side-of-the-plate pitcher." Price has been able to locate pitches to his glove side - inside to right-handed hitters - but not to the other half of the plate.

o. Florida's Ricky Nolasco has averaged 10.1 strikeouts per nine innings in seven starts since returning from a stint in the minors. Before getting sent down, he averaged 7.6 strikeouts per nine innings - which made him more vulnerable to the Marlins' defensive deficiencies. A scout who saw him recently said Nolasco had "more of a strikeout attitude, [as if he was thinking,] 'I'm not going to leave this to the guys behind me any more.' "

o. Boston's Tim Wakefield is the third pitcher 42 or older - second knuckleballer - to get 11 wins by the All-Star break. The others, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, were Warren Spahn for the 1963 Braves and Phil Niekro for the 1984 Yankees.

o. Talks to send Arizona lefty Doug Davis back to Milwaukee seem to have died down.

o. Elias says that this is the first season ever in which two third basemen - Washington's Ryan Zimmerman and Toronto's Scott Rolen - have had hitting streaks of at least 25 games.

o. Tampa Bay would like an upgrade in right field over its Gabe Gross/Gabe Kapler platoon.

o. Mets manager Jerry Manuel was asked what peers he might turn to for advice when going through tough times like he has recently. "I need Gandhi and King," he said. "They went through the same stuff. That's what I reach out to." (That's Martin Luther King Jr., not Ray King.)

Baseball Brunch: Halfway Home originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sun, 12 Jul 2009 10:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Ruth Built It, You Can Tear It Down: Everything From Yankee Stadium on Sale

Ed Price — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:16:00 EST

Filed under: Yankees, MLB Biz, MLB Satire

NEW YORK - The Yankees and their memorabilia partner, Steiner Sports, on Tuesday announced plans to sell artifacts from the old Yankee Stadium.

See if you can pick out the actual items for sale and those we just made up:

o. Piece of live sod: $120 for 1x1 foot; $280 for 2x2 feet

o. 17 partially eaten Babe Ruth hot-dog buns: $3,333 each

o. Pair of stadium seats: $1,499.99

o. Yogi Berra's unfinished Master's thesis in English: $8,000

o. The bat rack from the Yankees dugout: auction item

o. Phil Rizzuto scorebook (unused): $750

o. Bricks from Monument Park with etched Yankees logo: $149

o. Forty-seven water coolers punched by Paul O'Neill: $650

o. Pieces of the frieze (the white arched fence that ran around the rim of the stadium) made into paperweights and keychains: TBD

o. The actual straw Reggie Jackson used to "stir the drink:" $999

o. Derek Jeter's little black book: auction item, starting bid of $200,000

o. Two bleacher bench seats: $399.99

o. George Steinbrenner's hand-written list of managers he wanted to hire in 1995 before Joe Torre: auction item

o. Freeze-dried grass: $80

o. The piece of wall Kevin Brown punched in September 2004: auction item

o. The 80-foot-wide piece of sod from behind home plate painted with the interlocking NY logo, which can be transplanted into your yard: $50,000

o. David Wells' asprin bottle from the day he pitched a perfect game hung over: $200

o. "No autographs" sign: $250

o. Alex Rodriguez's used "Like A Virgin" CD: $8.99

o. Drink cup spilled when Jeffrey Maier caught Jeter's 1996 ALCS homer: auction item

OK, You can probably figure out what's real and what isn't. Except maybe a few: the freeze-dried grass, pieces of the frieze and the NY logo sod are all real.

After a year and half of negotiating with New York City, which owned the stadium, the Yankees agreed to pay the city $11.5 million for the rights to everything. The Yankees are taking some heat for shortchanging the city, but team COO Lonn Trost pointed out that the city's deal with the Mets - 70 percent of net revenues from selling Shea Stadium memorabilia - has earned the city $3.5 million.

Yankee Stadium items will be unveiled for sale periodically from now on, with 1,500 internet auctions running through July 24.

Ruth Built It, You Can Tear It Down: Everything From Yankee Stadium on Sale originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 12 May 2009 15:16:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Dusty Baker Doesn't Need Your Foolish Stat Sheets

Pat Lackey — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:59:00 EST

Filed under: Reds, NL Central, MLB Satire

If you are an avid reader of either baseball blogs or the Dayton Daily News, you've likely seen this gem of an anecdote from Hal McCoy's story about the Reds' loss to the Astros last night:

As Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker talked to the media after Tuesday's 8-3 loss to the Houston Astros, a member of the media relations department laid a copy of the stat pack on his desk - a box score, play-by-play and up-to-date statistics.

Without looking at it, Baker wadded it into the size of an official baseball and fired it hard into his trash basket.

For some reason, McCoy's designation of the wad of paper being not just the size of a baseball, but the size of "an official" baseball cracks me up. But really, this post is about Dusty Baker. More after the jump.

Now, in all likelihood, this was done in response to the Reds' ugly play of late. Ed noted this morning that the Astros have won 11 straight in Cincy and the Reds have only scored 75 runs in 20 games this year. The manager of a team playing that poorly should not need a stat sheet. When any other manager does something like this, it's a throwaway line. When Dusty Baker does it, it's a cataclysmic event.

So instead of being logical, I'm going to keep on pretending that Dusty Baker is a mad alchemist who just threw away the EXACT formula needed to recombine his crappy baseball team into a contender! Luckily, I got a glance at the sheet before it hit the trash can (Author's note: No, I didn't).

-- Begin with one part Darnell McDonald, distilled through an 11-year minor league career.

-- Slowly mix in one part Ramon Hernandez, cuz that dude's a gamer. You must use a bronze spoon for this step. Wooden spoons take too many pitches to be successful in this league.

-- Add two parts of the speed of Willy Taveras, then leave in the light of a waxing gibbous moon.

-- REMOVE ALL TRACES OF ADAM DUNN FROM YOUR ORGANIZATION. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR BASE CLOGGING IN BASEBALL ALCHEMY!!!

-- This final part is important. Take the resulting mixture and sprinkle in the sunshine extract from the sideburns of George Wright. Then, place in an air-tight titanium box, and drop it to the bottom of the Ohio River, where it must stay for exactly a fortnight.

Only when these steps are completed in full will your baseball team be competitive.

Hey, if that's the formula, maybe the Reds are closer to competition then we all think!

Dusty Baker Doesn't Need Your Foolish Stat Sheets originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:59:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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10 Ways to Improve Moneyball

Jeff Fletcher — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 19:00:00 EST

Filed under: Athletics, MLB Satire

Although I have been hearing for a while that the best-selling book Moneyball" was going to be made into a movie, I never really believed it until seeing on Tuesday that they continue to add actors. I had always assumed that, somewhere along the line, some studio executive would look at that book and say "Uh, that doesn't sound like a very interesting movie to me."

"The whole concept to me is just surreal at this point," former A's assistant GM Paul DePodesta told FanHouse. "Maybe I'll feel different once I see it. It's hard for me to believe this is actually happening. I've been in denial for the past five years. I told Billy that when the movie comes out and people say 'It's not as good as the book,' they are going to be talking about our real lives."

It was a great book, one that all seam-heads like me thoroughly enjoyed. However, there doesn't seem to be much to attract the other 99 percent of the movie-going public.

So, here are my Top 10 Ways To Make Moneyball A More Interesting Movie...

10. Replace A's scouts with scantily-clad Hooters girls.

9. Replace Billy Beane with Billy Bean. Have him quit baseball, run for office in San Francisco and let the Oscars come rolling in.

8. A's scouts decide to scour the slums of Mumbai, India, looking for young men to turn into millionaires. (Oh, wait, already happened.)

7. Seth Rogen plays the dorky scout who really just wants to find a nice girl.

6. Follow Jeremy Brown's career, but he never reaches the majors. Instead he sets a minor league home run record and has sex in a bathtub with a middle-aged junior college teacher.

5. Billy Beane gets bitten by a radioactive spider that helps him develop a sixth-sense for finding players. And he also eats bugs and climbs walls.

4. Hannah Montana bursts into the draft room to sing every once in a while.

3.. Instead of looking for undiscovered talent, the A's have scientists come up with a chemical that players can take to make them suddenly more productive. (Oh, wait...)

2. Bill Murray plays the A's deranged groundskeeper.

And, the No. 1 way to make Moneyball a more entertaining movie...

1. Billy Beane actually gets his drafting advice from a talking corn field.

10 Ways to Improve Moneyball originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 22 Apr 2009 19:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Daily Jolt: A Fool's Errand

Andrew Johnson — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:00:00 EST

Filed under: MLB Satire

The Daily Jolt is a dose of baseball reality every weekday morning.

Has there even been a more wild night in Major League Baseball than Tuesday? Just in case you missed it all, after the jump you can enjoy a quick recap of all the crazy things that went down on the most shocking day in baseball history.

o. Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez said he is planning to simply shake hands with catcher Brian Schneider and then the rest of his teammates after every save he completes this season.

o. Scott Boras dumped San Diego State phenom Stephen Strasburg as a client, saying he thinks it would be "insensitive" in such trying economic times to pursue the largest signing bonus in the history of the amateur draft. He also announced plans to donate 90 percent of his commissions in the next year to the MLB central fund so that teams like the Royals can compete.

o. Curt Schilling decided to shut down his blog, 38 Pitches, and also said that Everquest 2 is "kinda lame". Said the newly retired pitcher: "I can't believe I ever went by the handle Scythehands Voxslayer. What was I thinking." He also had kind words for Manny Ramirez.

o. Speaking of MannyB, he's spent the last week working only on his fielding at Dodgers. No more legendary marathon batting cage sessions for the future Hall of Famer. "I want to become a more complete player," said Ramirez. "I've really been loafing it out there in left, haven't I?"

o. All Ozzie Guillen had to say to reporters Tuesday was "no comment."

o. Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins came out and admitted that, yes, in fact, the Mets are the team to beat in the NL East. His teammate Cole Hamels still think they're a bunch of chokers, though.

o. While we're on the topic of admissions, Roger Clemens has called a press conference to admit that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire will be joining him.

o. Barry Bonds will not ... because he signed a three-year, $36 million deal to return to his beloved Pittsburgh Pirates.

o. The Yankees announced that they will be offering 25-cent bleacher seats all season long, not just in the first exhibition games at the new Yankee Stadium. "We want the real fans to be able to get into the stadium," said Hal Steinbrenner.

o. Speaking of the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have agreed to switch positions when Rodriguez returns from injury because playing shortstop will be much easier on his hip.

o. The Red Sox are tearing down the Green Monster so that they can fit more seats inside Fenway Park.

o. Angels manager Mike Scioscia announced that he will abandon speed and fundamentals. "We're going to sit around and wait for the three-run homer," he said.

o. Prince Fielder announced he is getting his stomach stapled. He's going to miss the first two months of the season, but he should be able to steal 25-30 bases a year when he returns.

o. Dusty Baker issued a formal apology to Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. Prior said he is expecting to pitch 200 innings this year and Wood is going for K-Rod's saves record. Everyone in Chicago still hates Steve Bartman, though.

o. Tony La Russa admitted he was wrong about something one time (but only once). He also announced plans to hit Chris Carpenter leadoff.

o. Joe Torre went to Dodgers management and asked them to go out and get Gary Sheffield now that he's available.

o. Pete Rose was reinstated.

(If you hadn't guessed by now ... April Fools! Back tomorrow with real baseball talk.)

Daily Jolt: A Fool's Errand originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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It Didn't Have to Be This Way, Italy

Tom Fornelli — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:37:00 EST

Filed under: World Baseball Classic, MLB Satire

The dream came crashing to an end on Tuesday evening in Toronto when the evil Communists from Venezuela ~~cheated~~ defeated Italy 10-1 and eliminated them from the World Baseball Classic. It was the second time in a matter of days that the Venezuelans bested the Italians (the first game was a 7-0 "victory"), no doubt because Hugo Chavez bribed the umpires with free gasoline.

It's really a shame too, but not just because of the promise shown by Italy when it sent Canada home after only two games on Monday. No, it's a shame because none of this ever had to happen. The Italians could have beaten Venezuela.

All they needed was me.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Tom, how could you have been a member of the Italian team? You're just a blogger and an American icon!" First of all, that's 100 percent true, I am an American icon. Right up there with Ben Franklin, Teddy Roosevelt, and Jared from Subway.

Still, that shouldn't keep me from being able to play for the Italian team. After all, Nick Punto, Frank Catalanotto, and Chris Denorfia were all born here in the States, but that didn't stop them from playing for Italy. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only prerequisites for playing for the Italian team were that you had to know what baseball is and you're name has to end in a vowel. That's it. I meet all of these qualifications.

What isn't true is that I'm just a blogger.

I can play the game of baseball too. Sure, I haven't been on an organized team since high school, but I've been keeping my skills finely tuned thanks to video games. All the Italian team had to do was come to me and say "Ehi Tom, potremmo usare realmente il suo aiuto sulla squadra. Che dice lei?" -- That's "Hey Tom, we could really use your help on the team. What do you say?" for all you uneducated folk -- and I'd have said "Fa un Siciliano defeca nei legni? " Again, for you non-Italians that means "Does a Sicilian defecate in the woods?" The answer to that question, of course, is yes. Yes they do. Of course I'd play for the Italian team had they asked me.

But they didn't. Instead they decided to go with a bunch of nobodies and they let down an entire country of people who couldn't care less about baseball anyway. It's a tragedy.

Had they invited me, things would have been different, I assure you.

You think I'm afraid of Francisco Rodriguez? Please. I've hit three home runs off him during my MLB The Show career, and if I can do it in a video game, I know I can do it in real life. Enrique Gonzalez? What the hell is an Enrique Gonzalez? I'd take him deep twice in the same at-bat I'm so good.

But you'll never know that now, will you, Italy? Remember, it didn't have to be this way.

By now I hope you realize that this post was satire and that it was all written in good fun. Though I'm 100 percent serious when I say I could take K-Rod deep.

It Didn't Have to Be This Way, Italy originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:37:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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