MLB FanHouse

The Dugout: The Cubs Get Ricketts

B. Thompson Stroud — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:15:00 EST

Filed under: Cubs, NL Central, The Dugout

The Chicago Cubs have finally won. They've got a new owner who isn't afraid to go straight to the local media and announce that the Cubs are going to the World Series. Boastful words, considering that the Cubs haven't even made it to the playoffs since Abraham Lincoln was in office. But it's just this sort of powerful, positive thinking that can do wonders for a ballclub, and as far as baby steps go, this is a pretty freaking big baby.

The transcript of Tom Ricketts being prideful before another season full of "every Cubs season" is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Wrigley Field Chatroom!
	LuckyRickett: GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE MY NAME IS TOM RICKETTS AND MY FAMILY HAS JUST PURCHASED THE EFF STAR STAR STARRING CHICAGO CUBS
	LuckyRickett: OUR ONE YEAR GOAL: 1. ??? 2. WIN THE WORLD SERIES
	LuckyRickett: I WILL NOW FIELD QUESTIONS
	Reporter: Yes, hi, my first question: why are you yelling at us
	LuckyRickett: I'M NOT YELLING, THIS IS HOW WE TYPE LETTERS AT INCAPITAL LLC.
	LuckyRickett: WE DO SERIOUS, HIGH-LEVEL INVESTMENT BANKING FOR TOP SHELF CLIENTS, ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES WE WILL TAKE A LOWER CASE
	Reporter: Okay. My second question is-
	LuckyRickett: IS YOUR SECOND QUESTION ABOUT THE GOAT, BECAUSE I BET IT'S ABOUT THE GOAT
	Reporter: Yeah! There's this goat, and because of this goat, we can't win the World Series! What are you going to do about this goat!
	LuckyRickett: I UNDERSTAND THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE CUBS FAN. MY FAMILY, WE'RE ALL CUBS FANS. I MET MY WIFE IN THE WRIGLEY FIELD BLEACHERS.
	LuckyRickett: SHE KEPT YELLING "WOO" AT ME, AND WE'VE BEEN PITCHING IT EVER SINCE
	Reporter: but this goat
	LuckyRickett: I THINK THE GOAT WOULD BE LESS OF A PROBLEM IF ANYONE HERE THOUGHT POSITIVELY FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS AT A TIME
	Reporter: Hi, I've got a question. Are you aware that your last name is homonymous with a malnutrition bone disease?
	LuckyRickett: I AM AWARE OF THAT, YES
	Reporter: and are you aware that from 1994 to 2006, our President and CEO had the word "fail" in his last name?
	LuckyRickett: YES
	Reporter: and that the guy working the interim after him had "dunno" in his last name
	LuckyRickett: WHAT IS YOUR POINT
	Reporter: I was wondering if at any point in my lifetime the Cubs weren't going to be run by a guy who didn't immediately remind me of failure, confusion, or imminent death
	LuckyRickett: AS I'VE SAID, THE CUBS WILL BE RUN BY COMMITTEE, INCLUDING PETE, TOM, LAURA, AND TODD RICKETTS, SO EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, YOU'RE GETTING RICKETTS
	LuckyRickett: AND IT'S NOT JUST THE FAMILY, I WILL BE HANGING ON THE EVERY WORD OF MY SPECIAL ASSISTANTS, SUCH AS ED LYNCH
	LuckyRickett: HE WILL BE JOINED BY SENIOR ADVISOR JOE FLOUNDER, BASEBALL INFORMANT EDUARDO LOS ONEHUNDREDGAMES, AND COOKIE! THE CLOWN WHO NEVER GOT TO LEAD THE GRAND MARCH ON THE BOZO SHOW
	Reporter: and you're SURE you're going to win the World Series this year
	LuckyRickett: YES, IT IS A 100% STATISTICAL CERTAINTY, UNLESS THE YANKEES OR THE PHILLIES OR SOMEONE ELSE WINS IT FIRST
	Reporter: I've got a question - earlier you mentioned positivity... how can we be positive after 101 years of disappointment?
	LuckyRickett: BY FOLLOWING MY THREE STEP PLAN FOR INSTANT POSITIVITY
	LuckyRickett: STEP ONE - KEEP OUR PARK NAMED "WRIGLEY FIELD." WE AREN'T CORPORATE SELL OUTS LIKE SOME TEAMS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, WHO WANTS TO PLAY IN HUBBA BUBBA STADIUM OR THE GUSHERS DOME
	LuckyRickett: STEP TWO - KILL MILTON BRADLEY WITH A BATTLE AX AND BURN HIS REMAINS
	LuckyRickett: STEP THREE - I AM GOING TO STARE AT THIS GOAT UNTIL IT DIES
	LuckyRickett: OH AND STEP FOUR, WIN THE WORLD SERIES. IT IS A FOUR STEP PLAN
	Reporter: How do you expect to get these ideas across to your team?
	LuckyRickett: BY SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: GOD DAMMIT TOMMY I BEEN CUSSING THIS GOAT OUT FOR 45 MINUTES AND HE WON'T DIE
	LuckyRickett: NO YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO STARE AT IT
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: THANK CHRIST "STARE" AND "SCREAM" AT THE ONLY TWO SPEEDS I GO
	Online Host SteakGrowsOnDmitri has entered the chatroom.
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: uhhh scu me
	LuckyRickett: YES, CAN I HELP YOU
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: i google "gusher" an "dome" an it brung me to this chat room
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ay anybody gon eat this goat

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: The Cubs Get Ricketts originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Bud Selig Will Fix Baseball

B. Thompson Stroud — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:00:00 EST

Filed under: The Dugout

Bud Selig is not the kind of commissioner to sit there jamming his fingers up his snout, doing nothing. No, Bud Selig is going to change baseball for the better. Why, right now Bud is probably at his desk, passionately compiling a fool-proof system of plans to increase ticket sales, inflate national interest, and level the financial playing field for all teams. Yes, this is what he's doing, not giving soundbites to the MLB Network about how the World Series is going to be "good." He's racing around helping people. I like to imagine that he has a special car.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	bud_is_wiser: /turns page in spiral notebook, writes "Ideas For Fixing Baseball (cont'd.)" at top of new page
	bud_is_wiser: #91 - Install more seats and luxury boxes in Sam Adams Baseball Omniplex (formerly Fenway Park, see #44)
	bud_is_wiser: With racially diverse stars like Dustin Pedroia, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jacoby Ellsbury, EVERYBODY is going to want to see them play in SamBO!
	bud_is_wiser: /coughs, runs fingers into front of nose /gets idea, begins writing furiously
	bud_is_wiser: #92 - Get Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials to do guest appearances at Progressive Field
	bud_is_wiser: The Miller High Life guy hangs out there all the time, how f**king hard could it be
	bud_is_wiser: I'm sure SOME people who live in Cleveland would really appreciate it.
	bud_is_wiser: #93 - and while we're in Cleveland, we should give Manny Acta the Indians coaching job as an early Christmas present.
	bud_is_wiser: it's like when you get a Wii, so you give your 10 year old welfare cousin your old N64 and that's all he's ever had so he thinks it's awesome
	bud_is_wiser: #94 - get N64 back from welfare cousin, play the sh** out of some Banjo-Kazooie
	bud_is_wiser: #95 - Bring Mark McGwire back to baseball.
	bud_is_wiser: Mark McGwire is a very, very fine man and the Cardinals are to be applauded. We just have to keep him away from all trainers, the book of Proverbs, and any and all recording devices.
	bud_is_wiser: Best case scenario, young players on the Cardinals learn how to improve, and St. Louis becomes a contender again.
	bud_is_wiser: Worst case scenario, he throws Colby Rasmus into that pit of needles from Saw 2
	bud_is_wiser: #96 - Put Nick Adenhart's parents on television and ask them how sad they are
	bud_is_wiser: Are they VERY sad? Only KIND OF sad? We won't know until HBO asks them.
	bud_is_wiser: #97 - Make sure bloggers hit enter twice after every sentence. When you type a period, your paragraph is over! Note: sentence fragments are encouraged.
	bud_is_wiser: #98 - Make baseball exactly like football.
	bud_is_wiser: /stares at paper for several minutes
	bud_is_wiser: /turns to new page in notebook, writes "Football similarities sublist" at top of page, underlines it
	bud_is_wiser: 98a. Instant replay should be used regularly, but only at the very end of the game, so that the 9th inning takes an hour and a half
	bud_is_wiser: note: all professional sports should feel like the end of a pre-pay gas pump
	bud_is_wiser: 98b. See if Manny Ramirez would mind sadistically murdering a bunch of dogs so we can send him to jail for RACKETEERING
	bud_is_wiser: 98c. Explain to Manny that you said "racketeering," not "rocketeering," and that the act of killing may not be enhanced by a jetpack
	bud_is_wiser: 98d. People don't wanna watch boring old baseball in the summer, they wanna go outsiiiiiiide
	bud_is_wiser: Baseball should begin in late September (where it always seems to start getting interesting), and should end sometime in February
	bud_is_wiser: The World Series should be held in the darkest, most frigid place we can find.
	bud_is_wiser: 98e. hold World Series between Jamie McCourt's legs
	bud_is_wiser: 98f. Send that awesome joke to Reader's Digest
	bud_is_wiser: /flips back to previous page in notebook #99 - Make sure all playoff series-winning team members wear googles and plastic ponchos during celebrations to ensure that things stay as exciting and spontaneous as possible.
	bud_is_wiser: and.... aaaaaaand... /taps pencil to paper
	bud_is_wiser: come on, one more Bud, you have to go for an even 100, you can't fix 99 of baseball's problems.
	bud_is_wiser: Wait, what about "a bitch," is that one of baseball's problems? /flips through notebook
	bud_is_wiser: #100 - Make sure umpires understand the rules of baseball before... oh that'd be too much work.
	bud_is_wiser: #100 - Sue Deadspin for saying I had sex with.... nah, that's not going to work.
	bud_is_wiser: Hmmmm.. /stares at paper /picks both nostrils at same time
	bud_is_wiser: Ah. I've got it.
	bud_is_wiser: #100 - Give Bud Selig a healthy raise, because he is the best commissioner in the history of Major League Baseball.
	bud_is_wiser: /closes notebook triumphantly Now to put this where everyone can see it!
	bud_is_wiser: /stands up /places notebook on chair /sits down on notebook

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Bud Selig Will Fix Baseball originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Return Of the Mac

B. Thompson Stroud — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:45:00 EST

Filed under: Cardinals, NL Central, The Dugout

Whoever was just hired as the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, raise your hand. All right, you in the suit. Tell us how you got the job. What? You don't want to talk about it? Hey that seems pretty weird!

Yes, 2010 will see the return of shadowy figure Mark McGwire to Major League Baseball. He should use his influence to get the Cards to sign Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds to coaching deals as well, and everyone in St. Louis can root for a ball club instructed by the Monstars.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the St. Louis Cardinals Batting Practice Chatroom!
	SonOfJorEl: so what do I do if I'm up against a fastball pitcher?
	TheGwire: What do you mean? Isn't he going to intentionally walk you? Just don't swing the bat. Then they let you walk to first.
	SonOfJorEl: I... I don't think so? I mean why would he-
	TheGwire: Okay, uh, if you don't want to do that, why don't you just try swinging as hard as you can at everything?
	SonOfJorEl: I'm sorry, Mr. McGwire, I'm trying to learn, honest I am, but not all of us are buit like a Tackleberry from Police Academy action figure
	SonOfJorEl: Do you have any actual advice about hitting?
	TheGwire: Here, turn around. I'm going to stick this in your butt.
	SonOfJorEl: ... ?
	TheGwire: /makes "turn around" gesture with syringe'd hand
	SonOfJorEl: I dunno Mr. McGwire, I don't think I should be -
	TheGwire: Oh stop whining, this is legal.
	SonOfJorEl: well all right /turns around
	TheGwire: and by "legal" I mean "legal right now," because Major League Baseball doesn't know about it. Say ahh! /jabs needle into butt
	SonOfJorEl: wait what were you saying about the AUGHHH
	Online Host SonOfJorEl has been injected with a substance, but you don't have any proof that he has been so unless your judge jury executionar why don't you just shut up
	TheGwire: There, that should do the trick.
	SonOfJorEl: What exactly did you stick me with, anyway?
	TheGwire: it's a product of my own design, we call it "Niceanhappodrine"
	SonOfJorEl: Oh, that sounds pleasant! /sniffs and it smells like Mistletoe Yankee Candle!
	TheGwire: Balsam and Cedar, actually. Yeah, me and Canseco discovered this during a deep sea fishing trip back in '87, we've been using it ever since.
	SonOfJorEl: you and who now
	TheGwire: Jose bet me that he could dive into the briney deep and crush a living fish to death with his spinal erectors
	TheGwire: I said that was total horsesh** so of course Jose gnashes a bowie knife between his teeth and dives into the sea in his boxer briefs to prove me wrong
	SonOfJorEl: why was he in his underwear
	TheGwire: bout fourteen minutes later Jose surfaces wearing the skin of a manatee and brandishing this gigantic f***ed up snapping turtle
	TheGwire: long story short, we siphoned the contents of that beast's lower abdomen into mason jars
	TheGwire: man, the eighties were a fun and exciting time
	SonOfJorEl: I was eight years old, please just tell me how to hit a baseball
	TheGwire: Oh, sorry. With this gunk in your bloodstream you should be able to bunt into the upper deck
	SonOfJorEl: why do you call it "niceanhappodrine"
	TheGwire: because if we called it "erodes your frenulum and turns you into the Cloverfield monster" nobody would let us stick them with it
	Online Host LaRussasOnFire has entered the chatroom.
	LaRussasOnFire: Hey Khalil, how's batting practice going?
	SonOfJorEl: /projectile vomits
	LaRussasOnFire: That's about what I expected. Mark! How's your first day on the job going so far?
	TheGwire: I'm not here to talk about the past.
	LaRussasOnFire: oh, sorry. How is your SECOND day on the job GOING to go?
	TheGwire: Great! I'm going to teach Albert Pujols about the benefits of taking off for 80 to 90 games per season
	LaRussasOnFire: Excellent. Hey, when you're doing with Khalil, would you mind helping out Nick Stavinoha? He's really awful.
	TheGwire: do you want me to inject him with something?
	LaRussasOnFire: No, not necessarily.
	TheGwire: do you want me to hug him after I hit a home run?
	LaRussasOnFire: No.
	TheGwire: do you want me to not talk about him?
	LaRussasOnFire: no
	TheGwire: sorry skip, those are the only things I know how to do. /shrugs shoulders, tears entire back in half

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Return Of the Mac originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:45:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Evening Plans

B. Thompson Stroud — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:00:00 EST

Filed under: Angels, Yankees, MLB Playoffs, The Dugout

Unless The Lord decides to once again destroy the evil of the world with a thunderous rainstorm tonight, we're going to get Game 6 of the ALCS between the Yankees and the Angels. By now, we've asked practically every question imaginable. We've analyzed and blogged incessantly about the importance of Jeter, about the managerial decisions, about the umpires. We've jumped to conclusions (Phillies/Yankees!). We've hopped bandwagons. We've changed our point of view. So hey, could somebody up there please just stop the god forsaken rainfall so we can get this series over with?

To further exacerbate this black hole of logical sports discussion, here is a facetious Dugout to be taken seriously by Yankees fans that retreads everything everyone has already said.

The Dugout

	GreasersAndScioscia: all right, the game is starting soon, so let's compare notes... what've you got planned for tonight?
	GirardiAndCola: welp, my plan is to start Andy Pettitte, then take him out in the third inning for absolutely no reason whatsoever
	GirardiAndCola: at that point we bring in Joba, and take him right back out once he's loaded the bases or thrown three pitches, whichever comes first
	GirardiAndCola: after that is a crap shoot, I'm just going to play the percentages
	GreasersAndScioscia: Which percentages are you gonna play?
	GirardiAndCola: 0-100% what about you
	GreasersAndScioscia: I'm going into game six with a strategy based totally on pinch running.
	GreasersAndScioscia: we start our worst, slowest players, and then when one of them happens to get hit by a pitch or walked, we sub at first with Chone Figgins and just start yelling RUN RUN RUN
	GreasersAndScioscia: we're not trying to steal bases or anything, he's going to start running the second he gets out onto the field
	GirardiAndCola: hey, that sounds pretty good, I wish anybody on my team could run
	GirardiAndCola: ah who am I kidding, I'm just going to glare at them and repeat "home run" until they do it
	GreasersAndScioscia: if that fails, we just rely on umpire incompetence. I was thinking of putting my starting 9 in 3-D glasses to render the umps completely unable to see or think
	GirardiAndCola: Why not rely on power hitting? You've got Vlad Guerrero, aren't you always leaning on him
	GreasersAndScioscia: uhhh well yeah, I guess, but somebody accidentally gave Vlad 1% milk this morning intead of 2% and now he isn't going to be able to hit for six weeks
	GirardiAndCola: hey, got a quick question for you
	GreasersAndScioscia: /stands around making this face <---- for rest of conversation
	GirardiAndCola: would you be mad at me if I scratched Pettitte and pitched Sabathia tonight instead?
	GreasersAndScioscia: why would you wanna do that?
	GirardiAndCola: he hasn't pitched since Tuesday, and for Sabathia that is practically a lifetime, I worried that his arm is going to atrophy
	GirardiAndCola: plus I was thinking that if I pitched him tonight, he could be ready to go for game seven
	GreasersAndScioscia: heh, worried that the ol' Yankee empire's gonna get knocked out?
	GirardiAndCola: absolutely not, they won't give me a jersey with "Not 27" on the back. I have reason to believe that a Yankee victory is all but written in the stars
	GreasersAndScioscia: howsat
	GirardiAndCola: Because we are under the guidance of Highfather Derek Jeter, of course.
	GirardiAndCola: We exist as a team only because he tolerates it. Threaten his people, and he will banish you.
	GirardiAndCola: if you stare into his curious eyes until his curious eyes meet your eyes, you will know what I'm saying to be true
	GreasersAndScioscia: Oh man, you're right, I forgot about Jeter. Do you want me to tell the boys to pack it up now, or..?
	GirardiAndCola: no, no, of course not, that would displease the Jeter
	GirardiAndCola: I'll ask him if it is in his infinite wisdom to stop the rain tonight so we can play game six.
	GreasersAndScioscia: Thanks, Joe.
	GirardiAndCola: you do what you've been doing, wheel Vlad's Casey At The Bat swinging ass out there and do your best. We'll see who deserves to be in the World Series.
	GirardiAndCola: and if that looks like it's gonna be you, we'll just whine about it until someone institutes mandatory instant replay on balls and strikes and force-chokes the umpires
	GreasersAndScioscia: but no, seriously, what is the deal with those umpires
	GirardiAndCola: it's fun, they have no idea what's going on
	GirardiAndCola: I mean, we've been playing Xavier Nady in Mark Teixeira's jersey all postseason and they haven't even noticed
	GirardiAndCola: I'm all, "lol he's batting .004 and has to jump every time somebody throws it to first"
	GreasersAndScioscia: hahah I hear you, how else do you think we got into the playoffs?
	GreasersAndScioscia: we actually finished 10 games below .500 this season but we're in the AL West, so they let us in on our word
	GreasersAndScioscia: even the Mariners called ESPN and said "hey guys we didn't lose 100 games this year" and those jokers BELIEVED them
	GirardiAndCola: I don't want to live in a world where the Mariners win 63 games
	GreasersAndScioscia: me either
	GirardiAndCola: so what's the plan for Sunday? Game 7?
	GreasersAndScioscia: nah I was thinking we'd watch some football, because nobody cares about this

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Evening Plans originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Common Ground

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:15:00 EST

Filed under: Cardinals, Dodgers, Phillies, Red Sox, Rockies, Yankees, MLB Playoffs, The Dugout

The playoffs are almost over and the stage is set for the defending World Champion Philadelphia Phillies to face the dreadnought New York Yankees ... or the Los Angeles Angels Angels, pending a dead Christopher Lloyd-style miracle.

The bottom line is this: the World Series is like one block to our left, and we're going to have to start buckling down and making some declarative statements. Before we do that, though, today's Dugout features some pre-ALCS decision arguing and some sad realities.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the 2009 MLB Playoffs Chat!
	NeedsABathia: ...and then if we beat the Angels tonight, we go to the World Series. I can't believe it.
	ManuelLabor: that's great... it's gonna be the very best team in the AL against the very best team in the NL.
	BenFranciscoGiants: it's fun to hate on you because y'all are a bunch of greedy homosexual ingrate dirtbags, but "baseball success" and "Yankees" are pretty much synonymous
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: And hey, if we're gonna win, we should win against the best!
	CarlNotLenny: well yeah they're good, but "best in the AL?" I don't know, I thought we had a real shot at it
	PeteRoseWentToBetancourt: the yankees won 161 1/2 of 162 games this year no offense to the twins but
	FightTheHerges: It doesn't matter! The Angels aren't out of this yet. The ANGELS are the best team in the AL.
	TheDefeatedVictor: yeah right, they're the best team because they're in the AL West, even the Orioles could win 80 games in the AL West
	InTheSpringBecomesDeRosa: dude, have you SEEN the Orioles?
	TheDefeatedVictor: not since I came to Boston, they wouldn't let me play, they've got me washing their dishes
	LudwickVanBeethoven: the AL West isn't so bad, you've still gotta beat the Mariners 55 times out of 60
	InTheSpringBecomesDeRosa: washing their dishes??
	FightTheHerges: Angels/Phils Angels win in 5
	TheDefeatedVictor: yeah I hear next season they're gonna sign David Eckstein and David Wright and move Fenway Park to Berlin
	PointBlake: we kept telling people to "think blue," but I guess we should've specified the shade
	PunchedYourBelliard: anybody still picking the angels is a dumb, i'm still picking the angels to lose in the first round i don't care what you say
	NeedsABathia: come on, guys, calm down, I can't tell where the conversation is going anymore
	ManuelLabor: Everyone here deserved to be here. We all had great seasons, win or lose, and we gotta remember that.
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: maybe if we could all find some common ground
	NeedsABathia: I'm pitching my next two games on one day and twenty minutes rest respectively, is anybody else doing that
	CarlNotLenny: lol no
	InTheSpringBecomesDeRosa: well we all like 30 Rock, don't we? That's new tonight, we could watch that instead of the Yankees
	PointBlake: I find 30 Rock to be pedantic, overrated, and mediocre at best. Also, "underwhelming"
	LudwickVanBeethoven: give me a break, what kind of shows do you like then
	FightTheHerges: I bet he says "Scrubs"
	PointBlake: why yes I do like Scrubs, I like how they go from jokey to serious without any warning and I also love the use of low-distrubition rock songs to show emotion instead of dialogue or acting
	PointBlake: I also like "My Name Is Earl." Your point???
	PeteRoseWentToBetancourt: we should check and see if we all have the same birthday, in case we are merely fragments of an insane man's imagination
	BenFranciscoGiants: maybe we all been dead this whole time!
	ManuelLabor: What about baseball? We all love baseball, right?
	NeedsABathia: nah man I f***in hate baseball
	ManuelLabor: What!! Since when?
	NeedsABathia: when you get traded to New York they put you under and remove the part of your brain that thinks baseball is fun and happy and replace it with one that treats it like a stressful obligation
	NeedsABathia: it also makes you think Ed Hardy clothes and Affliction t-shirts are cool
	CarlNotLenny: come to think of it Ed Hardy is pretty bad ass
	TheDefeatedVictor: I guess we're never gonna find common ground
	ManuelLabor: Yeah, you're right. I mean, what could EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US have in common?
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the Los Angeles Dodgers Chatroom...
	WordUpThome: /sits on bench with head in hands
	MannyTheTorpedoes: nyah hee hee /makes bizarre scooping gesture with hands
	WordUpThome: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
	MannyTheTorpedoes: signelling to payro that we are oud of playoffs
	MannyTheTorpedoes: r u ok do u wan hifive
	WordUpThome: NO, I'M NOT FINE. IT FEELS LIKE IT IS JUST NEVER GONNA...
	WordUpThome: NEVERMIND, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABO
	WordUpThome: ABOUT IT
	MannyTheTorpedoes: what r u gona do neg season /puts entire sunflower into mouth
	WordUpThome: HEAD BACK TO THE AMERICAN LEAGUE, SEE IF ANY TEAMS NEED A NIGH IMMOBILE OLD MAN D.H. HOW ABOUT YOU
	MannyTheTorpedoes: gona get millons of dollar to be gray at baseball sometime an sometime not care go home watch spontchbob
	WordUpThome: ALL THAT WORK WE DID TRAVELING THE COUNTRY ON A TANDEM BICYCLE, AND WHAT DID IT GET US
	MannyTheTorpedoes: cople extra weeks of beisbol
	WordUpThome: I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED A BUNCH OF CLEVELAND INDIANS TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS
	WordUpThome: SEE YOU NEXT SEASON, BUDDY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: bye jim tommy
	Online Host WordUpThome has left the chatroom.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Common Ground originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Shapiro Narrows It Down

B. Thompson Stroud — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:55:00 EST

Filed under: Indians, AL Central, The Dugout

To me, the playoffs mean one thing: the wise decision-making skills of Cleveland Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro! After firing Jim Thome/snapping turtle hybrid Eric Wedge as the Tribe head coach, Shapiro has really gotten down in the dirt to find a new skipper, looking in the only place you're allowed: the big recycling bin of failed coaches who didn't do a good job somewhere else and were fired by someone else. Why they sound PERFECT!

Fun fact: That guy in the photo to the right was eating in Heritage Park and just throwing his trash on the ground. Thanks a lot for your contributions, Cy Young! Have an eighth of a hot dog!

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the ramshackle hovel being used as the Cleveland Indians Front Office Chatroom!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Slider, c'mere. Which one of these guys should I choose to be the new manager?
	PhillieFauxnatic: /nods head, pats GM on back, reads over shoulder
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I'm leaning toward the guy who bit the rosin bag and threw it like a grenade. I think I can contact him via Youtube. What say you?
	PhillieFauxnatic: /shrugs shoulders, puts hands over mouth
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: What, you can't talk? Since when?
	PhillieFauxnatic: /offers delicious Pizza Pan[TM] brand pizza in form of empty box
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: harumph, get out of my sight.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Dennis, c'mere. Which one of these guys should I choose to be the new manager?
	InLehmansTerms: I'm not sure I'm qualified to advise you on that, Mark, I'm the Executive Vice President, Business.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: What does that mean?
	InLehmansTerms: It means I point people toward the LeBron James jerseys.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I think we can fix this ballclub, Dennis. And if not, hey, even a broken clock shows Tribe Time twice a day.
	InLehmansTerms: you guys could sell the team to somebody who likes baseball
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I've narrowed it down to four choices based on the only types of people left willing to coach in Cleveland.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: My first thought was, "Hey, are there any teams in the Majors WORSE than the Indians?"
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: As it turns out, yes, there was one! So then I got to thinking... why don't we use THEIR coach?
	ActaFool: baseball is all about going out there and giving it your best!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Ha! Isn't he hilarious? Say something else, Manny!
	ActaFool: a walk is as good as a hit!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Oh brother! Hey Dennis, this is that "Manny" all the kids in the chatrooms love so much.. "Manny being Manny!"
	InLehmansTerms: I'm not sure that's who they're talking about
	ActaFool: mark that was a lot of coaching for one day, you got a toilet somewhere i could sleep in
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: yeah, you go down the hall out this way through the big doors and keep walking until you see a sign that says "Parma"
	InLehmansTerms: Who is your second choice?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Question: Who would still think the Indians were gonna turn that corner and become contenders again?
	InLehmansTerms: uh... the great Cleveland fans?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: no, seriously
	InLehmansTerms: baseball fans who haven't been in the United States for several years?
	MyBobbyValentine: BOOM! Bobby V! Comin' ATCHA!
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Bobby V just lead the Hokkaido Cheese Nips and Ham Sandwiches to a Japanese baseball championship! And I think he's that guy from NC State!
	MyBobbyValentine: I haven't been paying attention to America since 2004! Tell me, is Hoobastank still the ROCKINGEST F***ING BAND EVER?
	InLehmansTerms: I thought you were an ESPN analyst?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: don't be naive, Dennis, being an "ESPN analyst" is like being a substitute math teacher, you just read from the notes and keep telling the kids you know what you're doing
	MyBobbyValentine: So how about that Keisha Castle-Hughes, huh? What a great little actress, I bet she's got a big future ahead of her!
	InLehmansTerms: so we have to choose between someone who just failed and someone who failed several years ago who is choice number three?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Travis Fryman.
	InLehmansTerms: like... actual Travis Fryman?
	MeatwadAndFryman: hey
	InLehmansTerms: Why the hell would you give the job to Travis Fryman?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I wouldn't have to buy another hat.
	InLehmansTerms: I don't understand how your brain ... or your face works, but managerial choice #4 had better be Mike freaking Hargrove
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: who?
	InLehmansTerms: The guy who lead the Tribe to five consecutive AL Central Division titles and two World Series appearances?
	InLehmansTerms: he wants to coach again and he wants to do it here, and right now his only job is managing a semi-professional team called the "Liberal BeeJays," a team that I'm pretty sure has Gianna Michaels on the roster
	InLehmansTerms: It's your big chance to correct the mistakes of John Hart and send the Tribe back in the right direction
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: No, choice #4 is this delicious baggie of Jo Jos potato wedges. Mmmm, Jo Jos!
	InLehmansTerms: Why would... WHY?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: because they are goddamned delicious, that's why
	ActaFool: excuse me, I'll trade you a button I found on the floor for your bag of Jo Jos
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: That sounds fair!

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Shapiro Narrows It Down originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:55:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: American League Pictionary Championship Series

B. Thompson Stroud — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:30:00 EST

Filed under: Angels, Yankees, MLB Playoffs, The Dugout

A lot of stories are coming out of the American League Championship Series this year. Alex Rodriguez has shunned his one major downside -- an inability to deliver in the clutch -- to destroy everything in his path. Joba Chamberlain is pitching out of the bullpen for fear that his presence will summon a collection of animals that will be the Yankees' downfall. And, most importantly, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are turning into Mr. Bean every time the game is on the line.

Tonight we switch gears and spotlight the OTHER championship series going on between the Angels and Yankees. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Pictionary Chatroom!
	JetersNeverProsper: Aw c'mon, Alex! The word was "sombrero!"
	ster_rod: THEN WHY DINENT JOO DRAW A MEGSICAN IN A BEEG HAT
	JetersNeverProsper: I did! That's José Molina, right there! And I even gave him the big hat!
	ster_rod: THAT'S A GATCHERS MASK, JEET, AN JOSE MOLINA EES PUERTORICANO, JOO SHOULDA DRAWNED ALFREDO ACEVES
	JetersNeverProsper: Awww, when it comes to race, I'm all mixed up!
	JetersNeverProsper: Okay, it's your turn... but I'd understand if you wanted to go ahead and back out now, heh, we ARE the Yankees...
	IfSheResists_Maicer: i think we'll be okay, we don't get a lot of coverage but we were the best pictionary team in the AL West by a lot
	JetersNeverProsper: pffft haha okay whatever
	ster_rod: LOL LOOK AT ME JEET I BEAT THE RAINCHERS IN SORRY, GIVE ME A METAL
	IfSheResists_Maicer: well, let's see what we can do. erick, draw a card
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: /draws card, stares at it for a moment
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: got it /sketches hurridly
	JetersNeverProsper: so hey, this year you wanna get our championship rings in gold, or silver and cover them with diamonds?
	ster_rod: I WANT SOMETHINGK THAT WILL MAKE aRAH SAY "OH!!"
	JetersNeverProsper: Don't worry, I've already made special plans for your "Oh" ring!
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: done /
	IfSheResists_Maicer: that's uh... that's.. olive trees in mountain landscape by vincent van gogh!
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: correct!
	ster_rod: WHAT! WHAAAAT OH NO JOO DEH ENT
	ster_rod: JEET THEY'RE WINNINGK, DO SOMETHINGKKKKK
	JetersNeverProsper: Don't worry, they're the Angels. They always get the first question, then bomb the rest. okay, try this one on for size... /draws card
	JetersNeverProsper: /draws ovular shape
	ster_rod: WANNERMELON! THE SUN! FOOTBOL! BI CYCLE WITHOUT THE HANNELBARS! IS IT WANNERMELON
	JetersNeverProsper: /draws angry arrows pointing to a vague area of the drawing
	ster_rod: SHRELOG HOLMES! THE BIBLE! THINGS YOU WOULD FINE IN A BATHROOM! A DOG! DOG, A DOG
	JetersNeverProsper: /jabs at drawing with pen
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: sorry, times up
	JetersNeverProsper: ARGH, it was "intangibles!"
	ster_rod: SORRY JEET I DIDENT KNOW, aRAH DOESN'T HAVE THOSE
	JetersNeverProsper: Aw I'm sorry honey bunny, I forgot that you had actual skills and talents that are real and easily described. Sorry about that!
	IfSheResists_Maicer: /draws card
	IfSheResists_Maicer: /sketches
	ster_rod: SO WHO DO WE PLAY IN ROUN TWO
	JetersNeverProsper: This IS round two, if we beat the Angels we go on to the World Series. uhh of Pictionary. In round one we beat the Twins.
	ster_rod: SERIOUSLY WHEN THE HELL DID WE DO THAT LOL
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: It's uhhh... it's uhhhh
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: It's "the visual representation of the creative process of German artist Adolph Friedrich Erdmann von Menzel!"
	IfSheResists_Maicer: yesss score another one for the halos
	JetersNeverProsper: WHAT!!! Let me see that!! There's no way you could've...
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: /
	JetersNeverProsper: Huh. Well... well yeah, that's pretty much what that is.
	ster_rod: OH NO JEET WE UNDERESTIMAGED THE AINCHELS, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
	JetersNeverProsper: I don't know, but if we get this point we win... although I wish we didn't have YOU up in a clutch situation...
	ster_rod: NICE THINKING, 2008 TALKINGK POINT, PAY ATTENTIONS aRAH IS GOOD AT GLUTCH NOW
	ster_rod: /sketches flamboyantly
	JetersNeverProsper: is that... /squints eyes is that Miley Cyrus?
	ster_rod: /makes "stretch it out" hand gesture
	JetersNeverProsper: by the look of the boobs I'm gonna say "Miley Cyrus in the Party in the USA video?"
	ster_rod: YAY JOO GOT IT YIPEE YANGEES WIN THE PENNIT
	JetersNeverProsper: I can't believe there's a "Miley Cyrus in the Party in the USA video" card, let me see that...
	ster_rod: aRAH DINENT HAVE A GARD, SHE JUST WANNED TO DRAWWWW IT ROFL
	JetersNeverProsper: You didn't use a card?? d'ohhh that means we're still tied!
	JetersNeverProsper: sigh, okay Angels, this is it... this is an important moment. If you get this next one right, you move on to the World Series
	JetersNeverProsper: of Pictionary
	IfSheResists_Maicer: hey wait a minute we were just playing for fun, did you say... "important"
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
	JetersNeverProsper: hey, relax! Just go out there and execute, play your game. Stay focused! Like every NBA interview you have ever heard ever
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: /tries to draw card, inadvertently knocks box of cards off of table spilling them everywhere
	IfSheResists_Maicer: /breaks pencil in half /begins eating pencil
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: /picks up empty card box, throws box at Izturis
	IfSheResists_Maicer: /remains motionless as box lands at feet
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: DAHHH, DAHHHH /trips, bashes head on side of table, bleeds profusely
	IfSheResists_Maicer: /tries to sit down, misses chair
	ster_rod: UH.. WHATS HAPPENINGK
	JetersNeverProsper: The same thing that happens in every game, Pinky.
	GymnasticsOnTheAybar: /is blubbering mess
	JetersNeverProsper: I guess we're in the World Series, then. Come on, let's just grab our stuff and head to Philadelphia.
	ster_rod: OR LOS ANGELES
	JetersNeverProsper: lol yeah right

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: American League Pictionary Championship Series originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: The ALCS, Very Funny

B. Thompson Stroud — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 22:00:00 EST

Filed under: MLB Playoffs, The Dugout

Here is a quick list of excuses to explain where The Dugout has been: our website is producing a code that angers Google and now nobody can look at or operate it properly, we got "busy with life stuff," popular video game or television show is addictive, we had softball practice, we realized baseball was boring and decided to change The Dugout into an endless blog about mixed martial arts, our favorite teams were all eliminated (in my case, "eliminated in April") and therefore we lost interest, our wives had babies, our grandmothers died, our pets reproduced via binary fission, and the most believable one, "we got distracted watching baseball."

Regardless of the excuse you believe, we're back, and tonight we play catchup by over-analyzing everything that has or could happen between now and the end of the season. Who's bullpen will be stronger? Will Guerrero bust out his wonky danger slide again? How many singles will Thome get in the 8th inning? All this and more in our intense playoff blog... thing, after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Major League Baseball on TBS Chatroom!
	ErnieYourKeep: Good evening everyone and welcome to Major League Baseball on TBS.
	ErnieYourKeep: Tonight, the ALCS Game 2 between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Angels is being broadcast on FOX, so tonight we're in studio to talk about this inconsequential reairing of the 1996 Will Smith Earf-Welcoming film "Independence Day."
	ErnieYourKeep: And who knows, if we have fun, maybe we'll stick around to review the three Seth MacFarlane TV shows airing after the movie, and the two that premiered before it.
	ErnieYourKeep: I'm your host, Joe Buck.
	ErnieYourKeep: wait /squints at teleprompter no, I'm sorry, I'm your host, "the poor man's Joe Buck."
	CalJr2131: That's funny, I thought you were "the rich man's Karl Ravech."
	EckersUponYourHouse: How can you be the poor man's Joe Buck, how poor of a man would you have to be to buy a poorer version of Joe Buck
	EckersUponYourHouse: I always thought of you as the economically sound man's Chip Caray.
	ErnieYourKeep: I'm an announcer of indeterminate monetary value, and with me as always are Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley, Hall of Famer Cal Ripken Jr., and a fat lady who needs a shave
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: heeeeey
	ErnieYourKeep: All right Cal, we're gonna start with you... and Cal, your favorite part of the film is Will Smith comically commenting on his own piss
	CalJr2131: Definitely, and I think it paved the way for OTHER piss commenting that we see in today's younger movies, like Transformers or Transformers 2, where characters piss out of nowhere for big laughs.
	CalJr2131: If you pay close attention, you can see that Captain Hiller's line of "A little shake and they all runnin" is both funny AND informative, and that's the kind of ammunition you need to win an alien war, Ern.
	CalJr2131: A good piss take and the classic "Aw HELL NAW" are enough to really put this film ahead of the rest.
	ErnieYourKeep: Dennis?
	EckersUponYourHouse: pfft, yah, well, pfft I mean it doesn't take any real TALENT to comment on ... on on on your, on your urine, you know
	EckersUponYourHouse: I think RULLY what you want to look at when you look at, when you look at Independence Day is the special effects
	CalJr2131: definitely
	EckersUponYourHouse: You know? When they blow up the White House where the PRESIDENT lives and it explODES, you know, and there is debris flying around and aliens are gunning and... I gotta tell ya, when I saw that in theaters, I about sh** myself.
	EckersUponYourHouse: whoops
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: /sits motionlessly, adds nothing to conversation /sticks sharpie up nose
	ErnieYourKeep: Now, changing the subject for a moment, I just switched over to FOX to check the game, and after grimacing through a commercial for The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror 20, found out that the ALCS game is tied 2-2 in the fifth. Any comments?
	CalJr2131: Absolutely Ernie, I think I speak for everyone when I say that current The Simpsons is pretty much the worst thing ever. I mean, how many jokes about Youtube can one group of people make?
	EckersUponYourHouse: when you lose the integrity of your characters, all you're left with is wacky situations and pop culture references
	ErnieYourKeep: David? Any thoughts?
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: i'unno, one time me an kirk gibson had a ranch where we was kings
	CalJr2131: what
	ErnieYourKeep: Anyone want to comment on the baseball game? Replays show that A.J. Burnett just threw the worst pitch in the history of baseball
	ErnieYourKeep: it didn't even make it to the dirt, it bounced in the grass... I'm surprised he made it past the mound with a horsecrap 10 pounder like that
	ErnieYourKeep: Guerrero is probably kicking himself for not swinging at it. No? Anybody? That sh** looked like it was from T-Ball. Really? Nobody?
	EckersUponYourHouse: /shrugs, looks around
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: /burps
	ErnieYourKeep: Cal? Anything?
	CalJr2131: you can't expect us to talk about baseball, Ernie, it's not exciting when it's not on TBS.
	CalJr2131: besides, I know a lot about baseball and make some great points, but out of uniform I'm about as charismatic as Billy with a bat no magic marker
	CalJr2131: my only passion is making sure my head and eyes make me look as much like one of the Children of the Corn as possible
	EckersUponYourHouse: my problem is that I got passion, probably too much passion, so much that if you fart I'm gonna flip out and start cussing you out
	EckersUponYourHouse: but my whole career was built on "going out there and doing it," I don't have any idea what I'm talking about ever
	EckersUponYourHouse: I did so well because the only two guys to hit homeruns between 1980 and 1990 were on my team
	ErnieYourKeep: How about you, David? What's your problem?
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: hey is this dog anybodys, because if it aint i'm gonna eat it
	ErnieYourKeep: What? What dog?
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: this dog back here, it keeps running around
	CalJr2131: I don't see any dogs back here, I don't know what he's talking about
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: the dog that was... aw nevermind, i prolly fever dreamed that
	EckersUponYourHouse: Ernie can we go to commercial, David's pool of sweat is starting to seep into my socks
	CalJr2131: how did you even find a business suit big enough for him?
	EckersUponYourHouse: can we just throw a tarp over him and write "baseball" on it, because that's all he's contributing
	ErnieYourKeep: Like anybody's paying attention to us anyway
	ErnieYourKeep: all right stick with us, folks, we've got a lot more baseball discussion on the way, and at the very least you're rewarded with 55 episodes of House Of Payne
	AllsWellThatEndsWells: /slumps out of chair /becomes entangled in green screen

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: The ALCS, Very Funny originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sat, 17 Oct 2009 22:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Mike Blowers Your Mind

B. Thompson Stroud — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:15:00 EST

Filed under: Mariners, AL West, The Dugout

Mike Blowers knows more about baseball than you. His AM radio predictions for Seattle Mariners third baseman and spellcheck challenger Matt Tuiasosopo came true in increasingly accurate and eerie ways, including pitch count, distance, and barometric pressure. The only possible explanations for this are that he is a genius, or that an older version of him traveled back in time with a Sports Alamanac. Somebody get a picture of his wife, see if she has enormous implants.

I predict that tonight's Dugout is after the jump. /puts fingers to temples

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the KIRO Radio Sunday Chatroom!
	NiehausKaiLan: Picks to Click, final game of the series, Mike, who's yours
	BlowersForAlgernon: I think clearly it's going to be Tuiasosopo today, he swung the bat well the last few times he's gotten an opportunity to play.
	BlowersForAlgernon: I expect him to hit his first big league home run today, he's gonna get in a good count today
	BlowersForAlgernon: he's going to get a fastball from Tallet and he's going to hit it out of left center field probly oh, maybe in the second deck.
	NiehausKaiLan: Okay! Awright! I'm looking forward to it. Matt Tuiasosopo's first home run of his career coming up according to Mike Blowers.
	BlowersForAlgernon: On a 3-1 count.
	NiehausKaiLan: On a 3-1 count? Breaking ball, fastball?
	BlowersForAlgernon: It'll be a fastball, he's a fastball pitcher, 3-1 count, second at-bat.
	BlowersForAlgernon: The... the sun will break through the clouds for only a moment, then the moment will pass. A child in section 339 will begin to cry.
	BlowersForAlgernon: A young couple only recently in love will be taking a high angle couples photo for their Facebook pages and miss the moment of impact, looking up and reacting too late, not sure who was at bat at all.
	NiehausKaiLan: Heh, a highly accurate prediction from-
	BlowersForAlgernon: /stares off into the distance /eye begins to twitch
	BlowersForAlgernon: Baseball season will be coming to a close. It will be 55 degrees in Cleveland. The tides being to rush in in Indonesia.
	BlowersForAlgernon: Life goes on, the planet continues to spin, orbiting around the Galactic Central Point. None of this will have mattered. The Mariners have a winning season, a year after losing 100 games.
	BlowersForAlgernon: but when the season ends, the moment is gone. The time has passed. The winning season is not good enough. The next year, the Mariners win the West. They lose in the playoffs. Not good enough.
	BlowersForAlgernon: 2011, the Mariners make it to the ALDS. They lose. Not good enough. 2012, the World Series. They lose. Not good enough.
	BlowersForAlgernon: 2013, the Mariners win the World Series. It takes them 6 games. They should've won in 5. What a dissapointing season. What does next year bring?
	BlowersForAlgernon: Tuiasosopo waves inconsequentially at the fans, their eyes wet with tears, clamoring for a moment with the All-Star and future home run king
	BlowersForAlgernon: but even Tuiasosopo remains unaware that it was his first home run, the very first, whose impact awakened...
	BlowersForAlgernon: ... the machines.
	NiehausKaiLan: My Pick to Click is Ken Griffey Jr.!
	BlowersForAlgernon: What're you, an idiot?
	Online Host The next day...
	MaddowSoprano: And finally, some unbridled joy and amazement... [long pause] courtesy of one of joy and amazement's most reliable sources [long pause] baseball.
	MaddowSoprano: This morning, Seattle Mariners color commentator Mike Blowers, fresh from bending a spoon... [long pause] with his mind [long pause] made some somewhat... outlandish predictions.
	MaddowSoprano: The former MLB journeyman announced that Barack Obama was the Antichrist, and that the happenings in Iran were the beginning of "Armageddon."
	MaddowSoprano: Blowers went on to say that Osama Bin Laden had been dead for over 50 years, and that the man we saw in videos was a devilish manifestation of the worst parts of humanity.
	MaddowSoprano: Skeptics laughed, but when President Obama began drinking blood from the neck of Belgian Prime Minister Herman Van Rompuy and declared himself Lord of All Earths... we had to take a second look.
	MaddowSoprano: Levitating over Safeco Field in a protective telekenetic bubble, a nude Blowers blew into a lengthy horn and foretold the second coming of the Christian Jesus.
	MaddowSoprano: Later that day on Twitter, Christ Twaught... "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. And, I guess, Mike Blowers."
	MaddowSoprano: When approached for comment, the increasingly omnipresent Blowers smote MSNBC correspondent Carlos Watson with lasers from his eyes.
	MaddowSoprano: Every prediction, NAILED! He's like Nate Silver, with fewer powers!
	MaddowSoprano: That's it for tonight, everybody. I'm Rachel Maddow, and I'm more of a gimmick than Hillbilly Jim. Goodnight.
	Online Host The next day
	NiehausKaiLan: My Pick to Click is Ichiro!
	BlowersForAlgernon: you contemplated the very meaning of our existence and you went with "Ichiro?" Way to go out on a limb, Dave.
	BlowersForAlgernon: besides, Ichiro isn't in the lineup tonight, for he was slain by the flying scorpion lion.
	NiehausKaiLan: He's got a sweet swing, he's been focusing on his mechanics, and I feel like he's due!
	BlowersForAlgernon: can he play with a 4 foot stinger through his chest
	NiehausKaiLan: If anyone can do it, it's Ichiro!
	BlowersForAlgernon: My Pick to Click for this afternoon's game is the mitochondrion of the Delta Smelt Fish.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Mike Blowers Your Mind originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Blauch Buster

B. Thompson Stroud — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 23:00:00 EST

Filed under: Yankees, MLB Police Blotter, The Dugout

As reported earlier today, former All-Star, World Series champion, and all-around somewhat competent baseball player Chuck Knoblauch has been charged with hitting his common-law wife in the face and choking her like she was a female police officer. Since his premature retirement at the age of 34, Knoblauch has steadily and consistently descended into a weird kind of personal madness usually reserved for aging soul singers and professional wrestlers.

There aren't a lot of details at this time, so tonight's Dugout heads back to the glory days of the Yankees and revisits the Knob gobbler in his prime. Warning: this Dugout contains frank discussions about domestic abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the 1999 New York Yankees Chatroom!
	ChastityBelt: hey man what's up
	PrairieDon: Not much, man, just growing out the old "soup ruiner." How are you?
	ChastityBelt: Pretty good. Thinkin bout beating the sh** out of my wife
	PrairieDon: That's cool. You watch Friends last night?
	ChastityBelt: Aw, I forgot. What happened?
	PrairieDon: Joey got a hernia, and realized he didn't have insurance. Heh, and he's got a hernia, so he's trying to do stuff, but he can't, and ... aw you have to watch it, it was pretty good
	ChastityBelt: sounds like it!
	PrairieDon: Yep. So what makes you want to beat your wife?
	ChastityBelt: I dunno, I was bored, and a Yankee, so it sounded like a good idea. Plus she's been really pissing me off lately.
	PrairieDon: Beating your wife is a great way to pass the time. You see where Chuck Finley married that lady from Whitesnake? I'd like to give beating THAT woman up a go.
	ChastityBelt: there was a lady in Whitesnake?
	PrairieDon: the best is when you beat her up for no reason, like when she cancels the cable TV at your ranch, and you just flip out and shove her to the ground and spit in your face
	PrairieDon: I mean I've never personally done that, but it would be great if one day my kids could grow up and experience that
	ChastityBelt: I'm not sure how to do it, though. Any tips?
	PrairieDon: Have you tried hitting her in the mouth?
	ChastityBelt: yeah, I threw a punch, but it landed twenty feet to her left
	PrairieDon: Why don't you ask some of the other guys? I know a lot of them are senselessly abusive pricks
	ChastityBelt: I was thinking about asking Jeter, he seems like a real piece of-
	PrairieDon: Nah, don't ask him.
	ChastityBelt: Why not?
	PrairieDon: we're going to give him sh** for the next 20 years, but honestly he's like the one decent human being on this ballclub
	PrairieDon: try asking Clemens
	Online Host Later
	OldLOL: /injects liquified tootsie roll into ass cheek
	ChastityBelt: I don't need to know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop
	OldLOL: then why the f*** are you talking to me
	ChastityBelt: I need some advice about beating my wife. I don't want to hurt my hands!
	OldLOL: did you try wearing a glove
	ChastityBelt: Yeah, but it didn't do anything
	OldLOL: i wish i could help you but i don't really beat my wife, i just introduce foreign substances into her body and then sleep with 15 year olds
	OldLOL: if you want your wife to sprout a monstrous muscle arm and go on a rampage i could probably hook you up with that
	ChastityBelt: This might be too much work for me. I don't want to work hard. Who do I look like, Craig Biggio?
	OldLOL: you aren't craig biggio? who the hell are you, i don't have time for this, i have anal swabbing to attend to
	OldLOL: just find the absolute worst person you can and ask him, chances are he beats his wife
	Online Host Later
	hawaiian_crackers: Have you tried running her over with your car?
	ChastityBelt: Uh, I don't know if I want to take it that far, I just want to smack her around a little.
	hawaiian_crackers: I was gonna offer to do it for you, but I'm too drunk to read what you're saying
	hawaiian_crackers: oh my god try a bite of this chicken marsala, it is f***ing DELICIOUSSSS /holds up chicken wad
	ChastityBelt: no thanks. I think I'm going to leave the chatroom, looking at your face makes me feel like I have Lou Gehrigs Disease
	hawaiian_crackers: your loss, I'm never going to stop eating this stuff
	ChastityBelt: you know anybody I could ask about smacking around a woman I'm supposed to love?
	hawaiian_crackers: the trick is to find someone with experience in that field
	Online Host Later
	StrawberryWhine: and when you hit her, make sure you hit her hard enough to break her nose
	ChastityBelt: I don't know if I can hit that hard, I'm Chuck Knoblauch!
	StrawberryWhine: then when you hit her, turn around and start running as fast as you can
	ChastityBelt: But I can't run fast, either!
	StrawberryWhine: What can you do well? How did you get onto the Yankees?
	ChastityBelt: nothing, really, I showed up to audition for the Little Rascals movie and they put me on the Twins
	StrawberryWhine: well if you can't hit her hard enough to keep her down and you can't run away, be prepared to get hit back
	ChastityBelt: Get hit?? I don't want to get hit! Who do I look like, Craig Biggio?
	StrawberryWhine: honestly you are basically "Craig Biggio if he had Lou Gehrigs Disease"
	ChastityBelt: I'm not sure I'm masculine enough to take a punch, if I had any kind of manhood in me I wouldn't be hitting a woman in the first place
	StrawberryWhine: then maybe you should ask one of the coaches, but stay away from Torre, he HATES domestic violence
	ChastityBelt: yeah seriously, what's the deal with that guy
	StrawberryWhine: he acts like an idiot sometimes, but he's smart, he just doesn't always let you know... he carefully chooses when to be knowledegable
	ChastityBelt: so you're saying that he picks his knows
	StrawberryWhine: before you go, you wanna buy some crack
	ChastityBelt: no thanks, Jason Grimsley already hooked me up. Haha, this really is a team full of awful people, isn't it
	Online Host Later
	NietoMosquito: BEAT Y'R WIFE? Now why would y'wanna go n'do a thing like that? That's 'gainst th' law, Chuck!
	ChastityBelt: I was just going to hit her a little bit
	NietoMosquito: I don't wanna be a tat'ltale or what have 'ya, but I've gotta tell sum'body!
	ChastityBelt: Now hold on a minute, Tom, don't do that, I was just-
	NietoMosquito: wull... wull you was jus' nothin'! Th' Yankees are a team of tr'dition an' fam'ly values! R'spect an' Amurican pride!
	NietoMosquito: Mr. Jeter! Mr. Jeter come quick, Chuck was jus' plannin' t'... /looks into locker room, pauses
	NietoMosquito: /gets dejected look on face /shuffles back into chatroom
	NietoMosquito: Mr. Jeter's kissin' a 'nother young man on his mouth, he'll be with ya in two shakes.
	ChastityBelt: sighhh whatever... /tries to sit down in chair, crashes through nearby window

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Blauch Buster originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 29 Sep 2009 23:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Detroit Ink

B. Thompson Stroud — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:20:00 EST

Filed under: Royals, Tigers, AL Central, The Dugout

When asked to name the Major League Baseball player who most resembles Allen Iverson, Detroit Tiger and fellow Lynchburg, Va. alumni Brandon Inge wouldn't be at the top of the list. But here we are in September and those forearm tattoos he got back in August still haven't worn off. If the Tiger manage to make the playoffs, he should compete in a retro headband and a big arm-sized glove that makes him look like Sally Jupiter.

As the race for the AL Central heads into the home stretch, it is important to analyze these tattoos and see how they match up with the rest of the division. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the AL Central Chatroom!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an then joker gets pumped full a titan so he can battel you, an he looks like this neo-carnie steampunk wwe bend-em
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you know the game by stabben joker in his back with your gun that shoots ropes an batman finally gets revenge the only way he knows how: murders
	LawnMauer: I really don't care about any of this.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the enden is that you go in toward the castle an toad says "thank you batman but the ice princess is in another castle"
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the xbox says i got 91% complete but i think 91 is the most you can have, i don't know why they do it like that
	LawnMauer: that's great... hey, I'm gonna go stand over here and, uh, wait for my MVP award. By myself.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no problem man do you want to know the entire history of dcau harley quinn
	Online Host TheAngryInge has entered the chatroom.
	LawnMauer: Hey Kyle, check it out, Brandon got new tattoos on his forearms
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whatttttt
	TheAngryInge: aw come on man you promised me you weren't going to do that
	LawnMauer: heh heh, mvp baby
	Online Host LawnMauer has left the chatroom.
	TheAngryInge: sigh
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: give it up bro raise them dux an lets see some a that sweet central virginia flesh art
	TheAngryInge: /turns around
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: holy f*amole that sh is tighter than jamie moyers heart valves, it looks like you are wearing ed hardy on your farms at all times
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell me you have gotten a murderous lion tatooed on your bosom
	TheAngryInge: The stereotype about tattoos drives me nuts, but don't judge me by this. These are very special to me.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what does that one say
	TheAngryInge: /holds up forearm
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: read it to me your arm looks like the delcaration of indapendents, s'like francis lightfoot lee quilled the sh** outta you're arm, i get that close to school an my brain shuts down
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: also i cant read cursive
	TheAngryInge: This arm says "Chase"
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because that is your favirote charles sheen vehicle
	TheAngryInge: No, because that's my son's name. Both of my tattoos are for my sons.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the one where he makes like the mobile chris dollanganger an deflowers kristy swanson in her autmobile
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: that is a good ass movie you sure your tattoo isnt about that
	TheAngryInge: No, pretty sure it's about my son.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what does that one say
	TheAngryInge: "Tyler."
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: in honor of the tyler parry film franchise
	TheAngryInge: No, Tyler is my other son. Chase and Tyler.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you were such a fan of dairy of a mad black woman that you stain'd your body for a ternity... pretty progressive there jack robinson
	TheAngryInge: I didn't get a tattoo about that movie!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: if it wasent for dairy of a bad black woman was it for meet the brown family, or perhaps "i can do things badly by myself"
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: madea goes to camp
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the family that beats kathy bates in her white ass any of these
	TheAngryInge: I don't think those are the correct names for any of those things
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what about that tyler perry movie where the poster is all artsy, but it is still just a two hour episode of good times
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: which one was that, was it "all of them"
	TheAngryInge: No, my tattoos are about my family. I'm from Lynchburg, the only things I can get tattoos of are my family, Jesus, or Wards road
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: that would be cool you could get the hollywood video on your shoulder an the best buy on your wrist
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: google earth bitch thats how i know
	TheAngryInge: hey look I need to ... stand over here, the playoffs are about to start and I need to be ready just in case we don't completely blow it
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: dont worry you got time to summon conversation an shoot the shoat with kyle farnsworth
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: here lemme show you my tatz /clenches fist, whips up sleeve
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: on this arm is a tribal christmas tree that probably wraps all the way up my arm an around my chiselt body, i dont know for sure my underarmor is too tight to be removed
	TheAngryInge: Why do you have a Christmas tattoo?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because i like christmas you asshole
	TheAngryInge: Well I like my kids!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: also i pattern my life after the teachings of ultramantis black
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: at least 10 years from now christmas will still be celebrated unlike your imbred hillcat offspring, who even celebrates them now
	TheAngryInge: What's on your other arm? Is that the zodiac sign for Cancer?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no
	TheAngryInge: I think that's what that is, actually.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its not a cancer who would want cancer on there body, it is a 69 obvs
	TheAngryInge: /tilts head Why is it on its side like that?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you expect me to have 69 standen up, do you even understand how gravity works how many people am i gonna have to explane this to
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i surrounded it in tribal because i like haven sex with indigenous womens
	TheAngryInge: heh, you know, I was thinking of getting a Christian Aduigier backpiece, just crowns and fleur-de-lis randomly over my entire body
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do it dude that would be wolfpac levels of sweet
	Online Host The Minnesota Twins have come from behind to win the AL Central!
	TheAngryInge: wait, hold on, WHAT? AW COME ON, I didn't... I mean, I was...
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: sweet, now you have more time to chat
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: so you ever play arkham asylum

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Photo of Brandon Inge's tattoos comes courtesy of Allison Hagen. See a bigger image here.

The Dugout: Detroit Ink originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Rational Human Beings

B. Thompson Stroud — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST

Filed under: Cubs, NL Central, The Dugout

Everyone is out to get Milton Bradley. First it was the umpires, then it was Lou Piniella (or was it Lou, then the umpires? I can't remember). Now, the Chicago Cubs have sent Milton home for the rest of the season just for going to the media and talking about how much he hates the Chicago Cubs, people who like the Chicago Cubs, Chicago, bears, and humanity. When is this guy going to catch a break?

Tonight's Dugout gives you a sneak peek at what to expect when Bradley takes this issue to a higher power than Steve Bartman and his Mystery Goat, or whoever is in charge in Chicago.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Major League Baseball Players Association Grievance Hearing Chatroom!
	Arbitrator: I AM THE GREAT SHYAM DAS! I hear all, I decide all! Mighty suspensions become four day weekends in my presence! Tremble before my arbitration!
	Arbitrator: Be warned, ye who- what is going on with your hair
	HendryHuggins: lol sorry i just woke up
	Arbitrator: Who are you! Are you Meatloaf? We are not making Bat Out Of Hell IV no matter how many times you ask!
	HendryHuggins: no, my name is Jim Hendry and the Major League Baseball Players Association has filed a general grievance against me for suspending Milton Bradley
	MiltonBradley: before you ask, yes that is my real name, and if you mention the barrel of monkeys I will make it about race
	Arbitrator: What is the issue!
	HendryHuggins: when I signed volatile, locker room poisoning journeyman, I expected him to produce without issue
	MiltonBradley: and when I signed with the Chicago Cubs, I expected to win the World Series
	MiltonBradley: but instead, all I found was a large building made out of bricks and grass full of people watching me play, having opinions on the things I do
	Arbitrator: Mr. Hendry, how could you allow this to happen?
	HendryHuggins: Milton isn't giving you the entire story. We saw how successful the Indians were signing Kerry Wood, so we decide to also offer 10 million dollars a year to a player nobody else wanted
	HendryHuggins: Bradley repaid us by underperforming, accusing the fans of racism, and getting into a "dust up" with our head coach
	Arbitrator: as someone making legal decisions about baseball, I know nothing about baseball... who is your coach?
	HendryHuggins: A gentle, unassuming elderly man named Lou Piniella. He's so nice, we call him "Sweet Lou."
	Arbitrator: is Sweet Lou in the chatroom today?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YOU'RE GOD DAMNED RIGHT HE IS, WHO DOES A GUY HAVE TO CUNNALING TO GET A WORD IN
	MiltonBradley: Shut up Lou! Stay out of this!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I SWEAR TO GOD THIS WILL NEVER END, I WILL HUNT YOU LIKE THE WOLVES AND SKULLF*** YOUR HEART
	Arbitrator: Lou, what caused the disagreement?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: MA BRADLEY PUT A BALLCAP ON A MEMORABLE DUMP AND CALLED IT MILTON THIS GUY IS A PIECE OF [expletive] IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT
	MiltonBradley: I'm used to it! Lou Piniella, am I right folks?
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: GET A CLUE SH**BIRD I WILL BRING DOWN THE THUNDER ON YOU, I WILL BECOME THE SKY ITSELF
	HendryHuggins: Milton has a problem accepting authority, especially from Lou and myself
	MiltonBradley: how am I supposed to respect my bosses when they act look and act like the f***in' Nuns on the Run
	Arbitrator: Did you accuse the fans of racism?
	MiltonBradley: America doesn't believe in racism. Nobody wants to listen to me. Bring those microphones closer and I will tell you more about this
	Arbitrator: /gives life-giving attention
	MiltonBradley: I'm talking about hatred, period. I'm talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant, I have to listen to the waiters bad-mouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant, that's what I'm talking about -- everything.
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SH***Y AT BASEBALL
	MiltonBradley: You hate me because I'm black!
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I CAN HATE YOU FOR TWO REASONS
	Arbitrator: What racist things to the fans say about you, Milton?
	MiltonBradley: I don't know, I have never listened to what someone else has to say
	MiltonBradley: All I'm saying is I just pray the game is nine innings, so I can be out there the least amount of time as possible and go home
	HendryHuggins: Then why complain when I send you home immediately, after you have done nothing?
	MiltonBradley: because I still want money
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: CRYBABY MILLIONAIRE SPOILED WHINING NOGOOD ATHLETES AAHHHHH THE INTERNET MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS
	Arbitrator: What do you-
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: UNDERSTAND THIS YOU PIECE OF F***ING [expletive], I WILL SPLIT THE EARTH FROM BENEATH YOU LIKE GIGANTO
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I WILL END YOUR LIFE IN THE DEN OF THE MOLE MAN
	HendryHuggins: hey don't end anybody's life in there, I like my den!
	Arbitrator: Milton, what would make you happy?
	MiltonBradley: first of all, I want all white people removed from the game of baseball
	Arbitrator: So after I get rid of the Red Sox, what else would you like?
	MiltonBradley: secondly, I find cupcakes to be offensive all of a sudden, so I would like to alter my previous agreement to include 100 dollar bills and full wedding cakes at my request
	Arbitrator: that seems perfectly reasonable
	MiltonBradley: thirdly I want to be the only person allowed in the stadium on game day, and I want to be able to make up the score based on nothing
	Arbitrator: Okay. Will these things make you happy?
	MiltonBradley: no, but do them anyway
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /mashes palms into keyboard, breaks off front of desk
	Arbitrator: I have come to a decision. I am shortening Milton Bradley's suspension from "all games" to "zero games."
	Arbitrator: Jim Hendry is fired as general manager and Lou Piniella is suspended indefinitely
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WELL GREAT F*** THIS SEASON AT LEAST NOW I'VE GOT TIME TO CATCH UP ON MY HOBBIES
	PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /puts unopened pack of cigarettes into mouth /lights head on fire

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Rational Human Beings originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now Finale

B. Thompson Stroud — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, NL West, The Dugout

The 1997 Cleveland Indians have finally been reassembled on the 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers, and it is up to venerable Dugout protagonists Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez to lead them through the playoffs and to the promised land, whether they've been there already or not.

If you have not been reading our end of the season special event and want anything you're about to read to make sense, please catch up by reading the first seven parts linked conveniently below. Part "The End" is after the jump.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers Chatroom!
	KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO JIM THOME AND MANNY RAMIREZ. I TALKED TO MARQUIS GRISSOM RIGHT AFTER AND HE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID!
	KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: YOU GUYS ARE VERY TALENTED! i LIKE THE PART WHERE YOU TRY TO TYPE JIM AND THEN ACCIDENTALLY HIT ENTER
	KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT I WILL APOLOGIZE 2 U 2MRW, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I AM GREAT AND POP CULTURE BUT SORRY AGAIN, ONE LOVE, PEACE OUT
	Online Host Kanye is exhausted having typed more than 140 characters in a sitting, and has left the chatroom.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: help me jim tommy
	WordUpThome: WHAT'S THE MATTER, LITTLE BUDDY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i assidenally look at kanyay west head circles an now i know the histary of the ottobots
	WordUpThome: IT LOOKS LIKE A LONELY SATELLITE IS USING A LASER TO DRAW PICTURES OF THINGS IT REMEMBERS INTO HIS HAIR
	MannyTheTorpedoes: his hare scare me who goes outdoorse with a hairgut so dum
	WordUpThome: YEAH REALLY AND WHY IS HE TYPING IN ALL CAPS, THAT IS SO ANNOYING
	KenanAndQuel: if you guys think that is funny, I've got a great video of a cat playing the keyboard that you'd be interested in
	MannyTheTorpedoes: lol doan fall for it it is rigroll
	ProblemGiles2: Can you hurry up and tell us what we're supposed to do? I've got to pee and there aren't any rookies on this team
	CarsonCrusher: hey if you need to go, would you mind peeing in this cup for me, I need it for for no reason
	ProblemGiles2: nah I can't go right now, there are too many people not looking at me
	CriminalJustice: I could beat the piss out of you, if it would help.
	ProblemGiles2: sorry, my vagina isn't small enough, I don't think you could take me
	WordUpThome: COULD I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTIONS PLEASE
	WordUpThome: IT FEELS GREAT TO BE A PART OF A TEAM DESTINED TO BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP CITY LIKE CLEVELAND TO THE SUCCESS-STARVED PEOPLES OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
	SandAndDeliver: Now that he mentioned it, I've got to go to the bathroom, too
	FernandezWarrior: I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: plz hold all bladdars until the en of motorvational speech
	WordUpThome: THANKS AGAIN HANDY MANNY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hanny manny loogs like bob builder had babby with dora the splorer
	WordUpThome: I KNOW SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE HAD DIFFICULTIES ADJUSTING TO THE FAST PASTE LIFE OF L.A.
	MoralOrel: Not really.
	MyThreeDads: no I still have my hat !!!
	WordUpThome: SO I WANT TO ATOMICALLY LEG DROP YOU ULTIMATE WORRIERS WITH A STORY ABOUT MY FIRST DAY IN THE BIGGED CITY
	WordUpThome: I HOPPED OFF THE PLANE AT L.A.X. WITH A DREAM AND MY CARDGIAN. WELCOME TO THE LAND OF FAME EXCESS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: woah
	WordUpThome: JUMPED INTO THE CAB HERE I AM FOR THE FIRST TIME, LOOK TO MY RIGHT AND I SEE THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN. THIS IS ALL SO CRAZY! EVERYBODY SEEMS LIKE THEY ARE SO FAMOUS
	WordUpThome: MY TUMMY WAS HURTING AND I WAS FEELING KIND OF HOMESICK, TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND I WAS NERVOUS
	WordUpThome: THAT'S WHEN THE TAXI MAN TURNED ON THE RADIO AND A JAY Z SONG WAS ON
	BeyondBorders: The "taxi man?" You mean George Harrison?
	TheDreadPirateBip: and since when do you listen to Jay Z?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: aw come on bif jim tommy is down with the jiggor man
	TheDreadPirateBip: which Jay Z song was it?
	WordUpThome: UH HIS NEW ONE
	TheDreadPirateBip: which one
	WordUpThome: THE ONE WHERE HE MENTIONS HIS INCREDIBLE WEALTH AND INFLUENCE THE POINT IS THAT IT MADE ME FEEL AT HOME BY CAUSING MY HANDS AND HIPS TO MOVE LIKE "YEAH"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: now im bag in the go mode bag in the gogos throwin the dimond up reppin the logo rose gold rose flow im ok tho what don kill me makes me stronger than befor so
	GripSoda: if you're just arriving in LA, shouldn't you be repping a West Coast rapper
	WordUpThome: MARQUIS WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE RAP GAME, YOU LIKE THE BIG KUNTRY KING
	MannyTheTorpedoes: does he rap the song "in a big kuntry"
	WordUpThome: NO THAT IS "BIG COUNTRY"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: the song or the mans
	WordUpThome: BOTH WELL SORT OF, YOU SEE-
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: no, seriously jim, you brought us out here, what do you want us to do
	WeathersGettingWorse: Yeah, I'm not getting any better at baseball over here, you might want to hurry up and put me in
	WordUpThome: I'M GOING TO BE STRAIGHTENED WITH YOU
	WordUpThome: I CAN STILL FREEZE A ROPE BETTER THAN GLACIER, BUT I'VE BEEN IN THE BIG LEAGUES SINCE 1991 AND MY BACK IS GIVING OUT, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE
	WordUpThome: ON TODAY'S INTER-NETS, WE CELEBRATE THE MOMENTARY MISSTEPS OF SPORTS CELEBRITIES
	MannyTheTorpedoes: joe the maggio beatened his wife marlin monroe but nobody reported it so he got to win liek 1500 champonships
	WordUpThome: NOW-A-DAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN SHAKE THE SHOOT OUT OF TILA NGUYEN WITHOUT BEING CAST FROM THE LIMEDLIGHT
	WordUpThome: IN 1997 WE CAME SO CLOSE TO WINNING IT ALL, AND BY GOSH I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN
	WordUpThome: BUT IT MIGHT, AND THIS MIGHT BE IT
	WordUpThome: THIS MIGHT BE ALL I'VE GOT, GUYS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: win won for the jimmer!!! !!!!
	KenanAndQuel: You know what.. he's right! We're all getting older, and whether we've won a ring or not, we've all got something left to prove!
	MoralOrel: I'm with Omar! I might not have the hair of Tim Lincecum, but I've got his gangly bad looks, and I'm sure I could at least do better than Jamie Moyer!
	MoyerBodyGirl: aw hey
	SandAndDeliver: I want to make my family proud!
	TheDreadPirateBip: I want my journey to be over!
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: i want to prove i can bat without looking like a mr. F!
	WordUpThome: THAT'S THE SPIRIT! THE TIME FOR TRIBE IS NOW... SO LET'S GO OUT THERE AND WIN THE WORLD'S SERIES!!!!
	Online Host In a joyous roar, MannyTheTorpedoes, KenanAndQuel, ProblemGiles2, FernandezWarrior, MoralOrel, CarsonCrusher, SandAndDeliver, GripSoda, CriminalJustice, MyThreeDads, BeyondBorders, WeathersGettingWorse, and BartoloCaribbeanCool have left the chatroom. Online Host The Los Angeles Dodgers have been eliminated from the playoffs by the Florida Marlins.
	WordUpThome: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now Finale originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sun, 20 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 7

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, Nationals, NL West, The Dugout

The "youth movement" continues in Los Angeles, as Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez continue their countrywide trip to reunite the championship hopeful 1997 Cleveland Indians on the championship hopeful 2009 Dodgers. If you've missed where they've been so far, check out the numbered links below. If you haven't, and you are still somehow entertained by caps lock and typos, continue after the jump to read part seven of our epic special event.

Previously on It's Tribe Time Now

1 2 3 4 5 6

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Washington Nationals Clubhouse Chatroom!
	WordUpThome: EXQUEEZE ME THE MEAT TREE HAVE YOU SEEN MARQUIS GRISSOM HE IS THE LAST OF OUR MOHICANS
	GripSoda: fa the last time jim i told you i aint dmitri young, I'M marquis grissom
	WordUpThome: ARE YOU SURE -- YOU ARE PUDGY AND STAND ON FIRST BASE FOR THE NATIONALS THE MARQUIS GRISSOM I REMEMBER LOOKED MORE LIKE THE REPLACEMENT ANT VIV VERSION OF WILLIAM "MAYS" HAYES FROM THE FILM MAJOR LEAGUE 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS
	GripSoda: do you see me choking the hell out of a lady cop
	WordUpThome: NO
	GripSoda: do you see me whipping a bat at somebody and then using their skull as a bong
	WordUpThome: WHAT'S A BONG
	GripSoda: i told you, i coach first base now, do you see me... hey hold on a minute, ADAM. ay yo ADAM
	GitErDunn: Yes, coach?
	GripSoda: what you doin
	GitErDunn: Losing to the Phillies, coach. But I was taking tonight's game off to eat my lunch!
	GripSoda: what ya moms pack
	GitErDunn: Bologna with cheese, a mini bag of Fritos, and a tube of Gogurt!
	GripSoda: gimme da gogurt
	GitErDunn: But that's my dessert! I get to eat that if I finish my sandwich!
	GripSoda: lose tha spoon muthaf***a gimme da gogurts
	GitErDunn: /hands over Gogurt
	GripSoda: yee /sucks on tube nah jim i'm marquis grissom, dmitri young ain't even play for the team this year, i don't know where he went, might be retired
	GripSoda: last i heard the busta was tryin ta freebase dippin dots
	WordUpThome: I THINK EVERYONE IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES WOULD ENJOY A FREE BASE
	WordUpThome: THIS RECREATIONAL SWEETS USE IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHAT ARE WE TO DO MAYBE MANNY IS HAVING BETTER LUCK
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the Nationals Park Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u member when you were in prank wor w/ vally an zag an slader stoled vally masgot so then they stoal u
	Screech: /makes "oh no" gesture with hands over mouth
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u member when jessy spano did drug an was so scare u member when belding wife got trap insite a elevater an zag had to give birth to babby
	MannyTheTorpedoes: how is babby formed
	Screech: /shrugs shoulders, gives high five
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /is high-fived do u know where morgeese grissom is
	Screech: /wanders off
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u member when zag morras fine out he is inian an then chief henry dies an he can go to the trag meet
	MannyTheTorpedoes: morgeese use to be a inian an we wanna fine him so he gan play for our dotchers an... oh no hole on let me esplain beter
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /searches body for pinned-on note
	Screech: /provides mild amusement
	Online Host Meanwhile, back in the Washintgon Nationals Clubhouse Chat!
	WordUpThome: THANKS FOR HEARING ME OUT, MARQUIS, WITH YOUR EXPRESSED WRITTENED CONSENT WE CAN NOW PLAY MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee aight say what you bring fa lunch
	WordUpThome: I PURCHASED A COOLER FROM BIG LOTS! FOR ONLY NINE DOLLARS AND FILLED IT TO THE BRIM WITH VIENNA SAUSAGES
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dem lil snausages
	WordUpThome: ALL OUT OF SAUSAGES
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ya playin righ how bout you tip that bitch on its side and lemme drink dat sausage water
	Online Host MannyTheTorpedoes has entered the chatroom.
	WordUpThome: WELL SURE GRIP; SHARING IS WHAT SHARON LIKES, BUT CAN WE COUNT ON YOU FOR THE BASEBALL
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: what da f*** is baseball
	WordUpThome: THE SPORT, THE JOB YOU ARE PAID TO PERFORM
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: what da f*** is "performing a job"
	Online Host KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight has entered the chatroom and taken Jim Thome's keyboard.
	KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: yo Jim I know you're doing a Dugout and I'mma let you finish, but Jennie and Jim is the best Dugout special event OF ALL TIME
	KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: The best Dugout special event of ALL TIME!
	Online Host KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight has left the chatroom.
	WordUpThome: WHAT IN THE WINE WINE WORLD OF SPORTS WAS THAT
	MannyTheTorpedoes: old meam
	WordUpThome: HEY MANNY MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME OUT WITH THIS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT A "BONG" IS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: bong james bong, like in spies
	WordUpThome: THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING WE SHOULD ALL HAVE
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aww yee thats what im talkin about, hole up, i aint marquis grissom but i'll play bench for ya team
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yall wait right here imma grab my sh** an be righ back
	WordUpThome: LOL BYE

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 7 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 6

B. Thompson Stroud — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:00:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, The Dugout

1 2 3 4 5

The Dugout favorites Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez have taken a break from danging dingers together on the playoff-bound Los Angeles Dodgers to travel the country and possibly fictional dreamscape lands to reuinte the 1997 Cleveland Indians and right the wrongs of the 97 World Series. The quest is almost complete, and now we learn what happened in the MLB Journeyman Chatroom, and where the dynamic twosome are headed next.

Part 6 of The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now is after the jump.

The Dugout

	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey ricky im downloaden somethen can you go onto gamef***s an boot up a fax for me
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: rickey hennerson can do that for you, kyle, all rickey is doin is starin into this ethereal wading pool, tryin to get some sustenance. what game is rickey hennerson looking for
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: batmans arkham asylum video game for xbox
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: /logs onto gamefaqs
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: this is interesting which video game character does rickey hennerson think is the best, does rickey hennerson prefer cloud strife kirby solid snake or the mega man
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: hmmmmmmm
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: select solidified snake you aged illiterate, what are you a f***en dolt, get your head out a your ass these poles are serious buisness
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: perform the gamefax to me, allowen me to resolve the hostage conflict in the aviary
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: hostages are suspended in a pair of hanging cages guarded by four henchmen in suicide collars, and rickey hennerson must locate a grate on the side of the wall to climb into and take out the lead henchman without the other henchmen seeing rickey hennerson or being alerted TO the presence OF rickey hennerson
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait, which one of these jokers is rickey henderson /squints at television screen am i playen the right game, did i put in rbi baseball by accident
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: now use the rickey hennerson-o-rang to incapacitate the goons
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hold on, go back to the beginning, catarl-alt f-5 an make sure your readen about the correct batman
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: hostages are suspended in a pair of hanging cages guarded by four henchmen in suicide collars, and rickey hennerson must-
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: rickey henderson, or batman
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: rickey hennerson meaning batman
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: your sayen "rickey henderson" when you mean to say "batman?"
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: no, rickey hennerson is the batman
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: in real life or in this game
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: hostages are suspended in a pair of hanging cages guarded by four henchmen in suicide collars, and rickey hennerson must-
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: RRRRRRAAAAHHH /dumps television and X-Box into water
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the story-relevant part of the MLB Journeyman Chatroom! Online Host TheDreadPirateBip, BeyondBorders, and WeathersGettingWorse have left the chatroom.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hey wha happen where did evrybody goe
	WordUpThome: STORIES WERE SHARED, HAND-STYLE SHAKES WERE SHOOKEN, AND OUR TEAM'S ANARCHONISTIC ROSTER ADDED THREE WANDERING JOURNEY-MEN
	WordUpThome: SOMEHOW WE ALSO ACQUIRED BASSIST ROSS VALORY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: wha did pad borders say
	WordUpThome: HE TOLD ME ABOUT HOW THE DODGERS HAD GIVEN HIM A MINORED LEAGUE CONTRACT AND INVITED HIM TO SPRING TRAINING IN 2006, BUT THAT HE COULDN'T GO ANYMORE AND HAD TO RETIRE.
	WordUpThome: I ASKED HIM IF IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS OLD TIMEY WORLD WAR ONE HELMET
	MannyTheTorpedoes: oh this is the worse looging hat i ever saw, what when you bye a hat like this i bet you get a soup chigen noodle soup
	MannyTheTorpedoes: what did davit whethers say
	WordUpThome: HE SAID HE WOULD LOVE TO JUMP OFF HIS SHIP AND LAND ON A DIFFERENT SHIP BECAUSE THE BREW CREW HAD ONLY HAD A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE PLAYOFFS
	WordUpThome: I TOLD HIM THAT COMMENT WAS AWFULLY WITTY FOR A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE WAS STUFFED WITH CLOTHES THEN HE MADE THIS FACE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: las time i saw a mouth liek that it had a hoog in it
	MannyTheTorpedoes: what did bif roberts say
	WordUpThome: HE TOLD ME TO MAKE LIKE A TREE AND GET OUT OF HERE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /pulls out EO Personal Communicator, tries to wipe "Bif Roberts" off of screen with dry eraser
	WordUpThome: ACCORDING TO JI
	WordUpThome: JIM, WE ONLY HAVE TO GET MARQUIS GRISSOM AND TONY FERNANDEZ TO COMPLETE OUR STARTING LINE-UP
	MannyTheTorpedoes: nuh uh we alredy got tony fernandez, i wen to doronto ganada an got him
	WordUpThome: WHAT
	Online Host Yesterday...
	MannyTheTorpedoes: do u wanna play 97 inians or shoul we play without you
	FernandezWarrior: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ya i know but i came all the way to doronto ganada on a tandy bike an i took a lawn time so you wan to play beisbol confirm/deny
	FernandezWarrior: Let me tell you a little story about baseball. I was playing on this team, the Padres, with Benito Santiago, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: k gona rite that down as "yes" see you in los anglees
	Online Host Back in the Journeyman Chatroom...
	WordUpThome: WOW YOU ARE REALLY HANDY MANNY WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO DO THIS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: duno it was prety easy you been talkin to mlb journeymans for like five days
	WordUpThome: HOW DID YOU LOCATE HIM
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i thot i shoul look in the play where tony fernandez grow up, so i look it up on innernets
	MannyTheTorpedoes: so i lookt at teams he play for before an after the clevlan inians, an innernets says "yangees blue jay inians potrays bruers"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: it also say he play for the cinonatty reds in 1994
	WordUpThome: YOU DON'T SAY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: so i look for him where the red fern grows i foun him between 2 barried dogs
	WordUpThome: THAT IS A STRANGE PLACE TO FIND A QUALITY DEFENSIVE SECOND BASE MAN
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i knew he was gonna "flip" when i ask him to play
	MannyTheTorpedoes: but be careful it is dangerous havin such a "under handed" guy on the team
	WordUpThome: WAIT, ARE YOU MAKING PURPOSEFUL JOKES, WHEN DID YOU START DOING THAT
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i toll him to leave doronto @ six thirdy but he say he would not be good until six four three
	MannyTheTorpedoes: lol ya tryen to be like budler from fres prins

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 6 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 5

B. Thompson Stroud — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, NL West, The Dugout

Welcome to part five of our apparently 30-part series about how Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez play for the same team, just like when they were part of the 1997 World Series challenging Cleveland Indians.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Once you have caught up on the previous four parts, remember that none of this is newsworthy and that we've ingratiated ourselves enough at Fanhouse by this point to occasionally make the casual reader here to discuss how he feels about Prince Fielder's baseball-disgracing shirt tuck think we are on crack. Is this a real chat??? Part 5 of 30 is after the jump.

The Dugout

	WordUpThome: TELL ME THE FUNNIEST JOKE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ok there was a daddy who have three daughter, one name rose one name daisy one name cinderblog
	MannyTheTorpedoes: oen day rose come up to daddy an she say "daddy why am i name rose"
	WordUpThome: UH HUH AND WHAT WAS DADDY'S RETORT
	MannyTheTorpedoes: daddy smile an he say "well when you was a baby a rose petal fall onto your head"
	WordUpThome: HEART ENWARMENING
	MannyTheTorpedoes: she wolk away so daisie come up to daddy an she say "daddie why am i name dasy"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: daddy smile an he say "because dasy when you was borned a daisy petal fall onto your head"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: she smile an wolk away... so cinderblog come up to daddy an say
	MannyTheTorpedoes: "HURRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG"
	WordUpThome: BOY I SWEAR
	Online Host Jim and Manny have come upon a jagged, winding path strewn with rocks. There is no vegetation in sight, and a murky grey sky lurks and fades into fog above them.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: juh juh juh...
	WordUpThome: JIM THOME
	MannyTheTorpedoes: wuh wuh where are we
	Online Host Welcome to the MLB Journeymen Chatroom!
	WordUpThome: STAY CLOSE TO ME MANNY; IF YOU LET GO OF ME YOU COULD ACCIDENTALLY BE TRADED TO THE NATIONALS FOR PROSPECTS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: if we realy wan to be like Clevlan inians shoulent that hapen
	WordUpThome: NO WE WANT TO BE THE 1997 INDIANS, BUT WE WANT TO WIN. IT IS A LOGICAL CONUNDRUM OR "CATCH 22" LIKE IN THE FAMOUS NOVEL
	MannyTheTorpedoes: which novel
	WordUpThome: THE GREAT GATSBY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: clayton kershaw is 22 mabe his scream name shoul be "pitch 22"
	WordUpThome: HEY THAT IS PRETTY FUNNY WRITE IT DOWN
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /draws fighter jets in dirt with big toe
	Online Host In the valley below, a group of fanged, hairy journeyman have gathered around a pool of standing water.
	WordUpThome: SHHH BE QUITE, FOR THERE ARE MONSTERS BELOWE~
	Online Host Meanwhile, in the Valley Chatroom...
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: im not sure i belong in this chatroom, i have always been more an mlb kansasman, they're hit song "dust in the wind" birthed my prophetic nihilism
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: for my monies that an "my generation" by limped bizkit are the 2 best songs ever fordged, "if only we could fly" am i right ricky henderson
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: this pool of standing water and we demons remind rickey hennerson of a dream rickey hennerson once had when rickey was sleeping
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: rickey hennersons mama tell rickey to be careful cause its raining outside and when its raining that is when the foxes get married, and if rickey hennerson don't wanna get in trouble he will stay away from fox weddings
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: haha what
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: but that only spark interest in rickey hennerson, and while he was out wandering the woods rickey came upon a procession of costumed well wishers what turned out to be foxes, which turned out to be getting married
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: rickey hennerson watch them with cautious glee an when rickey hennerson return to his home, rickey hennersons mama tell him that she cant let him back in the house no more
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: haha whattt
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: rickey hennerson was force to ask the foxes for forgiveness an made to wander the earth as if rickey hennerson was caine from kung fu the televised program, an the imagery becomes inconsistent at best here but rickey hennerson steps through the paintings of vincent van gockhhh and at one point nearly dies on a snowy mountains side
	KissTheSheff: That's it, I am quitting this chatroom forever.
	Online Host KissTheSheff has left the chatroom!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hahaha jesus cripes man talken to you is like somebody put videodrome on max volume an beat me over my head with the television
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell me what you think about what happened with erin andrews
	RickeyAndTheHendersons: before rickey hennerson can properly express his feelings on that matter rickey has to set the stage for you. the setting: nuclear meltdown threatens the devastation of Japan. the man: rickey hennerson
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: amazing
	WordUpThome: OKAY WE DEF DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN THERE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: but standeng water look fun it is good for the splish splashen of feets /jogs down hill with arms outstretched
	MannyTheTorpedoes: airplangggg
	WordUpThome: MANNY NO DON'T GO DOWN THERE YOU'LL END UP A MET
	Online Host Behind them, a shadowy figure with a walking stick rises above the horizon. He speaks.
	Voice: Jim?
	WordUpThome: /looks around
	TheDreadPirateBip: Jim Thome? GUYS! GET UP HERE QUICK! IT'S JIM THOME!
	WordUpThome:
	Online Host BeyondBorders and WeathersGettingWorse have entered the chatroom.
	BeyondBorders: I can't believe my eyes... after all these years, it's great to see you, Jim! And is that Manny Ramirez running around in circles behind you?
	WordUpThome: YES MANNY GET OVER HERE SOME GUYS WHO ARE TERRIBLE AT BASEBALL WANT TO SAY HELLOES TO US
	MannyTheTorpedoes: yay big papi finaly comed to visit!!!! ask him if he wanna to play spies
	WordUpThome: BIG POPPA DO YOU WANT TO PLAY SPIES
	TheDreadPirateBip: I'm Bip Roberts
	BeyondBorders: We'll set up camp here for the night. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Guess what? We're trying to rebuild the 1997 Cleveland Indians.
	WordUpThome: WHERE HAVE YOU FELLOWS BEEN FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS
	WeathersGettingWorse: It was a dark, and STORMY night...

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 5 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 4

B. Thompson Stroud — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, Mets, NL West, The Dugout

Not to ignore everything else that is happening in the world of baseball, but Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez are on the same team and you should be reading about it.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Part four of the quest to reunite the entirety of the 1997 Cleveland Indians on the 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers takes us places we never dared go, to a post-apocalyptic wasteland where humanity is depraved and the skies are filled with ash.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	WordUpThome: BREAK OUT YOUR NEWTON AND SEE WHOM WE HAVE LEFT UPON OUR LIST
	MannyTheTorpedoes: this says nothen but jibaresh /shakes Newton like an Etch-a-Sketch
	MannyTheTorpedoes: up necks is mike jackson
	WordUpThome: WE CAN'T DO THAT, THAT PARTICULAR SKELETON WAS SLAIN BY DR. JASON AND HIS PROPOFOLIC ARGONAUTS A SCANT TWO MONTHS AGO
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ok after him is terry clark
	WordUpThome: THE TRANSVESTITE COUNTRY SINGER, ARE YOU SURE
	WordUpThome: HURM... HOW ABOUT WE TAKE A BREAK AND RUMMAGE AROUND IN THIS DILAPIDATED SHACK FOR A WHILE
	Online Host Welcome to the Citi Field Chatroom!
	SandAndDeliver: okay Josh, you're the catcher, so you're gonna want to kneel there and hold your glove out
	CityOfJoshTholes: ow but my knees'll hurt what if i do'er like this?? /takes off mitt, puts mitt on ground, sits on mitt
	SandAndDeliver: hey wow, you're the best catcher we've had in a while
	WordUpThome: SANDY ALOMAR JUNIOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
	SandAndDeliver: Jim! Manny! Long time no see! I'm a coach for the New York Mets now, I work with all the catching prospects!
	WordUpThome: THAT'S FUNNY I THOUGHT THE METS DIDN'T CATCH PROSPECTS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hay sandy
	WordUpThome: DON'T YOU TALK BACK
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hay sandy
	SandAndDeliver: what, I'm busy trying to teach Brian Schneiderr how to hold a bat, what do you need?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i think jerry simefeld is drownen to death in that luxury sweet over there, is full of wooder an he is screamin
	SandAndDeliver: What's he saying?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: "what is the deal with this drowning"
	SandAndDeliver: He's fine.
	WordUpThome: SANDY WE ARE REUNITING THE 1997 INDIANS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE THE MEDIA CEREBI OF NEW YORK AND WIN GOLD FOR THE SMALL MARKET DODGERS
	SandAndDeliver: Yeah, sounds great.
	CityOfJoshTholes: hey coach i just sat on a piece of gum and it stuck to my pants, i think i need to go on the 60 day DL
	SandAndDeliver: Get me out of here before God turns this team into a pillar of f***ing salt.
	WordUpThome: YOUR BRO BOBBY PLAYED FOR THE GUT EATERS IN '99, DO YOU THINK HE WOULD LIKE TO PLAY ALSO
	SandAndDeliver: No, Robby's going through a tough time. He won't stop spitting on people, and he's got some dangerous stuff in his blood.
	WordUpThome: SO HE HAS BECOME LIKE THE DILOPHOSAURUS FROM JURASSIC PARK
	MannyTheTorpedoes: the dinasaur that kill newman!!!!!!!
	WordUpThome: HOW MANY CHARACTERS FROM THE SEINFELD SHOW HAVE TO DIE BEFORE WE CLOSE DOWN THE METS
	Online Host DudleyDoWright has entered the chatroom.
	DudleyDoWright: Hey guys, what's up?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: holy shti what happen to yor head
	DudleyDoWright: Aw, you guys! I was hit in the head with a baseball; now I have to wear a helmet that makes me look like Buzzy Beetle
	WordUpThome: SINCE WHEN DOES GETTING HIT WITH A BASEBALL TURN YOU INTO MTV'S THE HEAD
	MannyTheTorpedoes: lets get out of here jim tommy, the corpse of putty just washt up in the outfeel
	WordUpThome: GOODBYE FOR NOW DAVID, I CANNOT THINK OF ANY BASEBALL PLAYERS WHO DESERVE TO BE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A FASTBALL
	Online Host Later, in the Mitchell Report/Recreational Golf Outing Chatroom...
	OldLOL: so i mixed up some hgh in the blender with a bag of oxycontin and half a gallon of pibb extreme and mindy beer bonged it
	CriminalJustice: looool
	WordUpThome: OKAY, MAYBE I CAN THINK OF A COUPLE
	OldLOL: that sh** turned her into the abomination
	CriminalJustice: hey guys, what brings you to the chatroom? Aren't you a little over dressed?
	WordUpThome: NO WE STILL HAVE JOBS
	WordUpThome: WE ARE RECONSTRUCTING THE INJUNS AND WE NEED A CABOOSE
	CriminalJustice: That sounds great! All I've been doing since 2008 is blogging, and I could stand to make more than zero dollars a day
	WordUpThome: GREAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING BAD THAT WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT, HAVE YOU
	CriminalJustice: nope, nothing I can think of
	WordUpThome: A TOTALLY CLEAN RECORD, NO BLEMISHES WE SHOULD BE MADE AWARE OF
	CriminalJustice: no, nothing at all
	WordUpThome: ROGER
	OldLOL: no, david has lived his life as a saint, and i encourage you to believe every word that comes out of my ass
	CriminalJustice: /nods
	WordUpThome: ....
	HoldItAndPettitte: He did steroids and beat his wife
	CriminalJustice: OH SON OF A BITCH
	HoldItAndPettitte: aw but I feel so bad for telling you guys about that. SEE YA WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA
	Online Host HoldItAndPettitte has left the chatroom.
	OldLOL: argh I hate that guy so much it makes my butt wet
	MannyTheTorpedoes: o no dave justice say it ain so you beat you wife
	CriminalJustice: ... maybe
	MannyTheTorpedoes: o noes how coul you beat up hally barry
	CriminalJustice: I don't know, did you ever see the movie BAPS?
	WordUpThome: GOOD POINT

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 4 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 3

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Giants, Indians, NL West, The Dugout

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez suddenly find themselves playing for the same team again. Their mission: to travel the United States on a tandem bicycle and reunite the 1997 Cleveland Indians AL Championship team in Los Angeles. Will they succeed, or will I stop when I get to like, Chad Ogea and run out of jokes? Only time will tell. Part 3 of the Dugout special event is after the jump.

The Dugout

	WordUpThome: "TRENIDAD HUBBARD WENT TO HIS CUPBOARD TO FEED HIS POOR DOGS AND PETS"
	WordUpThome: "WHEN HE GOT THERE, THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE, AND THEY TRADED HIS DOG TO THE METS"
	WordUpThome: THAT IS LITERALLY EVERY POSSIBLE JOKE I HAVE FOR YOU, DO YOU WANT TO BE ON OUR TEAM
	MyThreeDads: yes very much so
	MannyTheTorpedoes: when he go sleddeng for winter he is trenidad an toboggan
	WordUpThome: SON OF A BI
	Online Host Later, in the Former San Francisco Giants Disgraced By Allegations of Steroid Abuse Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: barry bons!!!!!
	WordUpThome: I CAN SEE HOW YOU WOULD THINK THAT BUT NO WE ARE NOT HERE TO OFFER BARRY BONDS A JOB
	WordUpThome: DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN BUD SELIG PUT ALL OF THE OWNERS IN A ROOM AND MADE THEM SWEAR NOT TO OFFER BARRY BONDS A JOB
	MannyTheTorpedoes: o ya sry
	MannyTheTorpedoes: kevin mitchell rapport!!!!
	WordUpThome: HE'S NOT IN HERE, HE'S IN THE STEROID CHATROOM QUEUE WITH BRADY ANDERSON AND 3/4THS OF A HOUSEDCAT
	MannyTheTorpedoes: marvin bernard
	WordUpThome: NOT AN INDIAN, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT GUY WAS MY TEAM IN MANIAC MANSION
	MannyTheTorpedoes: mark carreon
	WordUpThome: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS
	WordUpThome: NO, MARK CARREON IS NOT ALIVE ANYMORE HE DIED CROSSING THE DESERT AND WAS EATEN BY VULTURES
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ummm who else
	CarsonCrusher: Hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom?
	WordUpThome: MATT WILLIAMS YOU OLD D-BACK HOW ARE THEY HANGING
	CarsonCrusher: really small and tightly clenched to the body. What have you guys been up to?
	WordUpThome: NOT MUCH WE JUST GOT BACK FROM TRENIDAD AFTER GETTING OREL, WHERE OUR CHIPS WERE DIGESTED BY COLON
	CarsonCrusher: were ... wait, what
	WordUpThome: WE ARE REPURPOSING THE 1997 INDIANS AS 2009 DODGERS IN AN ENMADDENED QUEST TO FINALLY GET A WORLD SERIES RING
	MannyTheTorpedoes: um jim i got a worl series ring with boson red sogs
	CarsonCrusher: Yeah, and I already won one with the Diamondbacks in 2001.
	MoralOrel: wait, is that what we're doing? I've already got one of those too, I won with the Dodgers back in-
	WordUpThome: HEY EVERYBODY WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F UP FOR A SECOND I AM TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
	CarsonCrusher: sorry
	MoralOrel: sorry
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /earmuffs
	WordUpThome: SORRY PALS I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET ALL FUDGICLE ON YOU, TIMES ARE TOUGH ALL OVER
	CarsonCrusher: how much does this pay?
	WordUpThome: HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: millon dollar man an vurgal
	CarsonCrusher: that's good, 'cause I've got to pay off this debt I've incurred importing this gross palette of hammerhead shark testosterone from Indo-China.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: that loogs good can i try soem
	CarsonCrusher: Sure! You into drugs?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: alegendly
	WordUpThome: I WILL GIVE YOU MY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TOO PENDING YOU KEEP YOUR LEARNED-IT-BY-WATCHING-YOU MARIO BROTHERS POT-BOX AWAY FROM MANNY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i used a vagnal shampoo on my head by aciden an it say i did strds
	CarsonCrusher: alright, I'm in
	Online Host Matt Williams has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers!
	CarsonCrusher: But before I head out, would anybody be interested in buying a googol of green and orange DNA mutagens in plastic I.V. bags from me?
	MoralOrel: Hm, what do they do?
	CarsonCrusher: if you chase them with propaganda films they turn you into Blanka from Street Fighter
	MoralOrel: What does that mean? Do I want that?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: do u have a lady version that turn you into chum li

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 3 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 2

B. Thompson Stroud — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, White Sox, NL West, The Dugout

As you may have read yesterday, Jim Thome was awarded to the Los Angeles Dodgers like so much sassy Sapphire, reuniting him with former Indians teammate Manny Ramirez. In the Dugout universe (which is the real universe, because we are somehow still convincing people that these are legitimate transcripts) this is big news, and in yesterday's episode the two realistically-portrayed superstars took off across the country on a bicycle built for two to rebuild the 1997 Cleveland Indians in 2009 Los Angeles and reclaim the World Series ring that was rightfully theirs.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Part 2 is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Chicago White Sox Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hey jim were in chicago isnt this where u play in riggaly field
	WordUpThome: NO MANNY THAT IS WHERE THE NORTH SIDE GUYS PLAY, WE WERE THE SOUTH SIDED GUYS
	WordUpThome: WE ARE THE WINDY CITY BOHEMIANS, REFUSING TO PERFORM AS JESTERS AT THE WHIM OF A BOURGEOISIE CHEWING GUMS MAGNATE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: do the why sogs play at
	WordUpThome: BEAUTIFUL "IRIDIUM SATELLITE LLC BASEBALL FUNCTION AT DESIGNATED LAND TRUST"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: souns beautiful
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: hey guys whats going on
	WordUpThome: HEY OTHER GUYS NOT MUCH WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP INTO
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: ohh same old same old, bein' fat, bein' the dominican sidney ponson, holding the fat part of the bat and swingin at balls with the skinny part
	MannyTheTorpedoes: were gettin the 97 inians back to gether accept as dodgers do u wan play
	WordUpThome: NO LONGER WOULD YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF SOUTHPAW
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: AHHHH he looks like frank thomas drank greedily from the tree of life and sprouted into a big ass dandelion
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: do the dodgers have a mascot
	WordUpThome: YES -- A SAD CLOWN WHO HAS BEEN DEAD FOR OVER THIRTY YEARS
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: that... that's still not as scary as southpaw. i'm in
	Online Host BartoloCaribbeanCool has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers!
	BartoloCaribbeanCool: hey do you guys have any corndogs or chips or anything, i haven't eaten in the last 20 seconds
	WordUpThome: OH GREAT HE'S GOING TO EAT ALL OF OUR G*D DANG CHIPS
	Online Host Later, in the ESPN Analysis Chatroom...
	MoralOrel: What do you guys think about this hand? /shows cards
	LandPhill: uh, well, what do you think about those cards
	MoralOrel: two queens, that's pretty good
	LandPhill: that's right, Orel, and in MY opinion, I'd have to say that your hand is looking pret-ty good, especially those two queens. But the real wildcard is going to be that 4 of clubs.
	MoralOrel: What?
	CaptainMorgan: definitely
	Online Host WordUpThome and MannyTheTorpedoes have entered the chatroom.
	LandPhill: MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: helo
	CaptainMorgan: MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY MANNY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: lol i liek this chatrom
	WordUpThome: RELAX EVERYONE, WE HAVE COME TO RECEIVE ORAL
	MoralOrel: What's going on, fellas?
	WordUpThome: THE DODGERS ARE BECOMING THE INDIANS AND YOU ARE THE BEST DODGER THAT BECAME AN INDIAN EVER
	WordUpThome: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BECOME A DODGER WHO BECAME AN INDIAN WHO BECAME A DODGER THAT REMINDS YOU OF INDIANS
	CaptainMorgan: did you say that was Manny? That man is Manny Ramirez? The white one? What is going on, who is that /looks down at table does anybody have any twos
	MoralOrel: Sorry guys, my playing days are long behind me. Right now I've got a busy schedule of baseball analysis to worry about.
	LandPhill: at the beginning of the season they ask you who will be good, and you go "uhhh, the reds!" and they give you money
	MoralOrel: I would not be a good Christian if I ignored my obligations here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my INCESSANT GAMBLING
	MannyTheTorpedoes: come on oriole be a fren
	MoralOrel: Can't you just dress up John Olerud in a Dodgers uniform and say he's me?
	WordUpThome: YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT JOHN OLERUD WAS BRUTALLY SHOT IN THE HEAD
	WordUpThome: WHAT IF WE MAKE LIKE JOHN CARSON AND WOO YOU WITH A GENTLE HYMN
	MoralOrel: oh come on, that wouldn't-
	WordUpThome: I MAY NEVER MARCH IN THE INFANTRY RIDE INTO CALGARY SHOOT THE ARTILLERY I MAY NEVER SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY BUT I'M IN THE LORD'S ARMY
	WordUpThome: MANNY HELP ME OUT DO YOU KNOW ANY HYMNS THE ONLY OTHER ONE I KNOW IS ABOUT GOATS BLOOD AND MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: wade in the water
	MoralOrel: okay i'm in
	Online Host Orel Hershiser has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers!
	LandPhill: ESPN can now report that Orel Hershiser has agreed to terms with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
	WordUpThome: NICELY DONE MANNY BUT SAVE SOME OF THAT MAGIC FOR ERIC PLUNK
	MannyTheTorpedoes: im sorry to here abou the passing of jon olaroot
	WordUpThome: JOHN OLERUD DIDN'T DIE, NO BULLET CAN PENETRATE HIS PLASTICINE EXOSKELETON
	WordUpThome: JOHN OLERUD CAN NEVER DIE, WHAT ARE YOU, NEW
	CaptainMorgan: excuse me, can one of you boys give me a lift home, i have been lost and confused for several years
	MannyTheTorpedoes: no sry tandam bike only seats 2 byeeee

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 2 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 1

B. Thompson Stroud — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:00:00 EST

Filed under: Dodgers, Indians, NL West, MLB Transactions, The Dugout

In the most important "real life benefiting The Dugout" moment since Barry Bonds dressed up like Paula Abdul, rosy-cheeked Faulknerian idiot man-child and Dugout regular Jim Thome has been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers. This reunites him with another Dugout regular, Manny Ramirez, who he has not played with since they both played for the Cleveland Indians in 2000.

Tonight's important next chapter in Dugout lore is after the jump. Hey, I've got to root for the Indians somewhere.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The Dugout

	WordUpThome: L.A. GUYS ITS JI
	MannyTheTorpedoes: jim tommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
	WordUpThome: JIM THOME
	WordUpThome: "JIM BEING SEEING MANNY" LONG TIME WITHOUT ANY SEE MY FINELY-ROW'D FRIEND, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS OLD THOME-KNOCKER HAS BEEN TRADED TO "THOSE BUMS" FOR CASH CONSIDERATIONS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: like wehn totonka got friends w/ millon dollar man
	WordUpThome: MORE LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE SASSY SAPPHIRE BUT YES, SOME-WHAT LIKE THAT
	WordUpThome: SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TOWARD FOR THE LAST NINE SEASONS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: strds, playin spies, makign millons of dollar an awords even tho i act like chucky from rugrants
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u
	WordUpThome: I ROPED NUMEROUS DINGERS FOR THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES AND CHICAGO WHITE SOX
	MannyTheTorpedoes: so u win many gray worl series ring
	WordUpThome: FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT - HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "THE PEBBLES AND BAMM-BAMM SHOW," WHERE THE FLINTSTONE KIDS ARE GROWN UPS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ya i love flinston kids
	WordUpThome: NO NOT THE FLINTSTONE KIDS, THE KIDS FROM THE FLINTSTONES, EXCEPT THEY ARE ALL GROWN UP
	MannyTheTorpedoes: rugrants all growed up??
	WordUpThome: NO
	WordUpThome: I AM LIKE A GUY FROM THAT SHOW BUT NEVERMIND I GUESS
	WordUpThome: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR YOUR FUNS IN L. ANGELES
	MannyTheTorpedoes: watch fresh prins, play small ball in ptchrs park
	WordUpThome: SMALL BALL YOU SAY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: ya small ball mean "manny hit hoemrun w/ nobody on base"
	WordUpThome: THAT SOUNDS GREAT IT TURNS OUT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING SMALL BALL FOR 15 YEARS
	MannyTheTorpedoes: to catch u up on fresh prins secon ant viv not as good as firs, funnies jokes are uncle phil fat cartlon white hilry vane an "wade in the water"
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u wan win a worl series this year
	WordUpThome: ABSO, LUTELY... I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SORE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO US IN CLEVELAND
	WordUpThome: HEEEEEEEEY DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA
	MannyTheTorpedoes: eat some stapels
	WordUpThome: NO, WE SHOULD ROUND UP THE OLD GANG FROM THE '97 WAHOOS AND WIN THE WORLD SERIES IN LOS ANGELES
	MannyTheTorpedoes: how will we fine them all
	WordUpThome: FOLLOW ME, NEW BEST FRIEND
	Online Host WordUpThome and MannyTheTorpedoes have left the chatroom on a tandem bicycle. Online Host Later, in the Texas Rangers Chatroom...
	WordUpThome: OMAR WE ARE GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER, ARE YOU IN
	KenanAndQuel: Yeah, of course!
	WordUpThome: AND AFTER WE JAM FOR A WHILE WE ARE GOING TO PLAY BASEBALL AND TRY TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THAT AS WELL
	KenanAndQuel: Oooh, I don't know. I'm having a pretty good year in Texas. They might not let me play for you, too!
	KenanAndQuel: What are you going to do in L.A. anyway, Jim, you haven't played first base in years
	WordUpThome: REMEMBERING HOW TO PLAY FIRST BASE WHILE A MORE DESERVING PLAYER RIDES THE BENCH IS JUST LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /steers tandem bike into Lake Arlington
	WordUpThome: AND IF THAT FAILS I WILL JUST PINCH HIT A LOT
	KenanAndQuel: Okay, I'm in!
	Online Host KenanAndQuel has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers! Online Host Later, in the San Diego Padres Chatroom...
	WordUpThome: HEY BRIAN GILES IT IS JIM THOME AND MAN
	MannyTheTorpedoes: being man
	WordUpThome: MANNY RAMIREZ WE ARE DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT MARK SHAPIRO IS DOING
	ProblemGiles2: Rebuilding the Cleveland Indians?
	WordUpThome: THAT'S A BINGO! WE NEED A GUY ON THE TEAM CRAZIER THAN MANNY ARE YOU IN
	MannyTheTorpedoes: hey he is no crazier than manny manny is the craziest one there is, i like to fart and watch cartoonce
	ProblemGiles2: I like to shave my entire body and walk around naked doing my batting stance in front of my General Manager.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i have problems with concentration an dont play very hard sometime
	ProblemGiles2: I bathe in a shower full of urine and lathered up pubic hair and make jokes to the media about how I want to f*** my own mother
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i uh... wear baggy close
	ProblemGiles2: I gave my pregnant girlfriend two nonconsecutive miscarriages by beating the sh** out of her and throwing her down a hallway.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: jim tommy i don think i wan 2 play with brian agan :(
	WordUpThome: YEAH WE WERE LOOKING FOR "FUN CRAZY" NOT "AWFUL PERSON WHO SHOULD BE IN JAIL" CRAZY
	WordUpThome: I WONDER WHAT BIP ROBERTS IS UP TO JOURNEYING, I'D WAGER.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: It's Tribe Time Now, Part 1 originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments