MLB FanHouse

The Dugout: Send Me An Angel (Right Now)

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:26:00 EST

Filed under: Los Angeles, Angels, AL West, Anaheim, The Dugout, TV and Movies

Despite being three and a half games ahead of the competition in the American League West, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have a big problem - their players keep getting hurt, and nobody knows why. Vlad Guerrero and Scot Shields are getting check out for health issues and Chone Figgins has a hamstring made out of velcro. In unrelated stories, Kendry Morales was gored to death in a bullfight and Jose Arredondo had a bomb stuffed in his mouth, was blown up from the inside, and tumbled into a pit of lava where he was then burned to death.

So.

Today's Dugout examines the problems in Los Angeles (or Anaheim?) and using the in-depth baseball analysis Fanhouse has become famous for, blames the problem on the 1990s remake of a 1950s movie. Here's to hoping they come out with another Pirates of the Caribbean movie so we can get Pittsburgh in a few of these.

Angels inside of the Outfield, after the jump.

The Dugout

	BommansBest: God... if there is a God... if you're a man or a woman... if you're listening, I'd really, really like a family.
	BommansBest: My dad says that will only happen if the Angels win the pennant. The baseball team, I mean. So, maybe you can help them win a little. Amen.
	BommansBest: Oh, A-woman, too.
	Online Host Sometime later...
	BommansBest: You gotta believe me! I prayed to God that he'd help California of Anaheim of Los Angeles win, and he sent help!
	OpportunityKnox: kid you bout damn crazy
	OpportunityKnox: What's he gonna do? Send us a draft pick? He gonna let us trade Chris the Bootcheck for Albert Pujols?
	BommansBest: Wull I dunno!! But... but God could send angels to help us make diving catches in the outfield! To throw super fastballs! To... to slide better, I dunno!
	OpportunityKnox: you know a angel is a dead person, right
	BommansBest: whattaya mean?
	OpportunityKnox: less just wait and see what happens.
	chpwned: /takes a lead off first /stutters /takes off for second
	Online Host God has intervened.
	DeadBody: /plops out of sky
	chpwned: WHOA WHAT THE FUH /trips over corpse /collapses into second base
	chpwned: sssshhhh aaaaaaahhhh /grabs hamstring
	DeadBody: /winks, disappears
	BommansBest: Wait, that... that didn't make any sense.. .?
	OpportunityKnox: heaven is full of dead people, kid, the good lord's gotta work with what he's got. you're the one who asked for help
	BommansBest: but I-
	OpportunityKnox: next time pray that we get a whole lotta money
	Online Host The opposing team has hit a pop fly into the outfield.
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: /tracks ball
	BlastCorpse: /crawls out of ground ngaaaaah nnngngggaaaah
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: ¡Oh mi dios! ¿Por qué hay un zombi en California meridional?
	BlastCorpse: /tries to help Vlad catch the fly ball by biting him in the leg
	Vlad_the_ImPLAYER: Perdóneme, mi gama no es muy bueno cuando tengo un zombi el morder de mi pierna. ayyyyyyyyy /collapses
	BommansBest: my dad sure isn't going to love me after this
	OpportunityKnox: I said I wanted Manny Corpas, but this is ridiculous!
	Online Host Missed_a_T is trying to pitch well, but he is getting pretty old so nobody expects him to pitch well!
	Missed_a_T: /wipes brow /takes deep breath
	Missed_a_T: /winds up
	MoreLikeArgoNot: /bursts from Scot Shields' side
	Missed_a_T: AAAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH /slumps over /slides off mound in bloody mess
	MoreLikeArgoNot: KREEEEEE
	BommansBest: I hate you, God! I hate you! I hate you!
	OpportunityKnox: i'm gettin too ol for this shit

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The Dugout: Send Me An Angel (Right Now) originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:26:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: the Speculation Station!

Jon Bois — Mon, 19 May 2008 02:49:00 EST

Filed under: Reds, MLB Video, Cincinnati, The Dugout, TV and Movies

Anyone who has watched a local Cincinnati Reds broadcast is familiar with the JTM commercial that plays at least every other commercial break. It features Bronson Arroyo singing a song about frozen food products, and it is tremendous. With commercials like these, a simple pithy remark just will not cut it. Oh, no.

That's why I have decided to assemble the Speculation Station, a tribunal that gives special attention to things like this. Video of the commercial, as well as tonight's Dugout, are after the jump.

The Dugout

	brian_bar_bannister: I now commence tonight's Speculation Station.
	brian_bar_bannister: Our contributers are Carlos Delgado and Chipper Jones.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Hello.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Good evening, friends.
	brian_bar_bannister: Tonight's subject of speculation: A JTM commercial starring Bronson Arroyo and Chris Welsh.
	brian_bar_bannister: Context: JTM is a frozen food services company. Bronson Arroyo is a starting pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. Chris Welsh is a broadcaster for the same team.
	brian_bar_bannister: Watch here.
	brian_bar_bannister: Thank you for watching. We will now offer queries regarding the logic, circumstances, and meanings both ostensible and deconstructed. I will hereby open the discussion.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: The first few bars of the song Arroyo is playing sound ripped from a song. Perhaps "Paint, It Black" by The Rolling Stones, a song you may remember as the "Tour of Duty" theme song.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Item #1. Why the abrupt switch to a standard radio-rock tune, and why is the switch made an awkward three bars in instead of four?
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Item #2. Arroyo sings, "The Reds are not home." If this is true, why are the team's broadcaster and starting pitcher sitting in the dugout.?
	brian_bar_bannister: Item #3. Why is a broadcaster sitting in the dugout to begin with?
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Item #4. The broadcaster appears to be crying. Is this because the Reds are not in town, or because he does not have immediate access to JTM food products? The narrative does not specify.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: On that tangent, Item #5. Why would he be crying about a lack of JTM food products when they are soon revealed to have been sitting in his lap all along?
	brian_bar_bannister: OBJECTION #1! It is not clearly established whether the food products have been in his lap all along. Accordingly, I have another Item to introduce.
	brian_bar_bannister: Item #6. Is it possible that the food products were placed in his lap through some supernatural means? And I'm sorry to keep parsing this out, but on this tangent:
	brian_bar_bannister: Item #7. If we do suppose that the answer to the previous item is "yes", can we then suppose that the entire premise of the setting and story is supernatural? Perhaps Arroyo is purported (within the context of this commercial, of course) to have mystical properties?
	DelgadoServeSomebody: I would like to support Item #7 with Item #8. It appears as though the broadcaster does not acknowledge Arroyo's presence, despite the fact that he is playing and singing loudly an arm's length away from him. This is a narrative wall that can be explained away with Item #7. Ratify Item #7?
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Ratify.
	brian_bar_bannister: I also move to ratify. As a consequence of a 3-0 vote, we will ratify Item #7 and all proposed Items under its logical umbrella, including Item #8.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: On the subject of the music: Item #9. The vocals are clearly over-dubbed, presumably with a studio recording of Arroyo's own vocals. Why is this?
	DelgadoServeSomebody: To answer that, Item #10. The producers of the commercial were unsure of the music they would use at the time they filmed it.
	brian_bar_bannister: Item #11. Granted, the filming process appears to be single-camera and could not have taken more than ten minutes to complete. However, I don't see how they could have regarded it as the "easy" part of the process, as the lyrics surely took a fraction of that time to write. I will re-post the lyrics of this song for posterity.
	brian_bar_bannister: He sits alone. The Reds are not home. But that's okay, because They're together again. They're together again. Beef hoagie. They're together again. J.T.M. They're together again.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Item #12. The level of awareness is clear to me. It is fruitless to mock the lyrics of this song, because all parties involved were clearly, for lack of a better term, "trying to be silly."
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Item #13. I submit that at some point in the process, one of the parties involved used one of the following phrases to describe their vision of the commercial: Awkwardly random. Weirdly awkward. Randomly weird.
	brian_bar_bannister: Ugh. That's not an Item, sorry.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Moving on. Item #14. With regards to Item #12: Does the intent of the commercial's creators exempt their creation of scrutiny? Is it possible that their impetus for being "silly" is faulty?
	brian_bar_bannister: I believe so. Item #15. Broadcaster-centric humor often finds appeal with sports fans. The set-up for this joke is: "broadcaster likes food." The punchline is: "broadcaster likes food."
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Item #16. It is implied that the broadcaster, Chris Welsh, copes with the absence of the Reds by eating JTM food products. This sad commentary is apparently intended to augment the self-effacement present throughout the commercial.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Item #17. Quickly, on the subject of the food itself. The beef hoagie is presented on a cutting board alongside a ripe tomato and an undefined dipping sauce. The hoagie itself does not look particularly appetizing, and the idea that its presentation is more appealing with Arroyo singing "beef hoagie" over it is, at the least, strange.
	brian_bar_bannister: Item #18. We have already discussed the artificial vocals (Item #9), but not the rest of the music, which clearly features a lead electric guitar, bass guitar, and drum kit. None of these instruments, nor their players, are shown, which completely voids the idea, even on the most ostensible of levels, that this is a real-world interaction.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Similarly: Item #19. Outside of the opening strum, I am unable to detect the presence of an acoustic guitar throughout the song. Interestingly, Arroyo is shown playing an acoustic guitar.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: On that note, Item #20. Did the real-life Arroyo believe that those sounds would come out of his guitar, or did he originally intend to play an acoustic version that the commercial's producers later decided was of insufficient quality?
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: I move to ratify the latter.
	brian_bar_bannister: I as well. Item #20b is ratified.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Finally, Item #21. At the end, Arroyo concludes his song while looking into the camera. This implies that his character is aware of the "fourth wall", so to speak, and that perhaps he is meant to serve as the viewer's guide through the commercial.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Interesting! Item #22. The previous item suggests to me that while on its most superficial layer, the commercial is "about" Arroyo, and on a less superficial but still ostensible level, the commercial is "about" JTM food products, the commercial is actually intended to be "about" the broadcaster, Chris Welsh.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Item #23. I would argue that there is a fourth level of meaning here -- the unintended meaning. This commercial, ultimately, is "about" what happens when a creatively strapped production company broadcasts a local television commercial on the heels of local celebrities.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: I object, and will continue to posit that extensive deconstruction of this commercial is fruitless and unnecessary, and runs astray from our responsibility, as viewers, to understand it.
	brian_bar_bannister: Overruled. Item #23 ratified by a 2-1 vote.
	brian_bar_bannister: Nonetheless, there is a disagreement within the panel, and as a consequence, further Speculation shall not continue.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Well played, friends.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Indeed. Thanks for indulging me.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Any time. I hope there are no ill feelings between us as a result of our disagreement.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: None at all, I look forward to our next Speculation Station.
	brian_bar_bannister: Thank you two for reconciling. We must always make sure our debates are motivated by a search for truth, rather than selfish pride, and you two have shown me here that you know this as well.
	brian_bar_bannister: The Speculation Station is now in recess.
	DelgadoServeSomebody: Goodbye.
	AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Bye.
	brian_bar_bannister: Bye.
	OnlineHost Carlos Delgado has left the chatroom.
	OnlineHost Chipper Jones has left the chatroom.
	OnlineHost Brian Bannister has left the chatroom.

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

The Dugout: the Speculation Station! originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 19 May 2008 02:49:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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I Went To a Movie Set and a Baseball Game Broke Out

Matt Watson — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:10:00 EST

Filed under: Miami, Marlins, NL East, MLB Video, TV and Movies

My colleague Eamonn already told you about how Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson filmed a couple of scenes of the upcoming movie Marley & Me at the Padres/Marlins game over the weekend, but just in case you're one of those seeing-is-believing folks, we now have proof courtesy of Bugs & Cranks. So enjoy. And work on those trust issues.

I Went To a Movie Set and a Baseball Game Broke Out originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 05 May 2008 13:10:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Tom Hanks Thinks Daisuke Matsuzaka Is Ready for the Silver Screen

Josh Alper — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:40:00 EST

Filed under: Boston, Red Sox, AL East, TV and Movies

It's been quite a while since a great, or even memorable, baseball movie has arrived on the scene. I suppose mileage varies on these kinds of question but the last one that sticks out for me was 61* (I've tried to eliminate all memories of the excerable Fever Pitch), which wasn't great but was at least evocative of a particular time in baseball history. I briefly thought that There Will Be Blood would cover the 2004 ALCS but, alas, it turned out to be a milkshake of a different color.

It would seem that Tom Hanks has also noticed the lack of diamonds on celluloid. In an interview in Tokyo, Hanks said that he thought the life of Daisuke Matsuzaka would make a fine film.

"An interesting movie, I think -- one I'd want to see, if they made it -- would be the story of Dice-K. That movie would have conflict and cultural clashes and superb sports skills and sportsmanship. It would really be something in the right filmmaker's hands."

While I'd love to see a good baseball movie, I'm not sure Dice-K's story is the right one. Blessed from birth, seemingly, with a potent right arm, he dominates his way through the Japanese league before jumping to the United States for a ton of money and wins the World Series in his first season. Oh, and he does it after a multitude of other Japanese players who have made the cultural clashes something less than overwhelming.

There's not much of an arc there. I'm thinking Hanks was just throwing a bone to the local media more than he was thinking of a really great story.

There are some current players whose lives could be cinematic gold, though. Josh Hamilton comes to mind. Golden boy who turns into a drug addict, cleans up and then, finally, makes good on his promise many years later. There's a bit of The Natural to it. With the right director and star, I think that's a movie with some real potential.

Rick Ankiel's got a pretty compelling hook as well and the implications of steroid use would only add to the drama once the audience thinks everything's worked out for our hero. The story of Joba Chamberlain might play out a bit Afterschool Specialish but there's a lot more drama to it than there is in the rise and rise of Dice-K and the sordid details of Ugueth Urbina's life in Venezuela lend themselves to dramatization.

If you're looking for a more comedic bent, the Molina Brothers could star in a series of slapstick films about a clan of catchers roaming the country, looking for work behind the dish and poking each other in the eyes.

(H/T BBTF)

Tom Hanks Thinks Daisuke Matsuzaka Is Ready for the Silver Screen originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 01 May 2008 11:40:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: Yee! Gabba Gabba

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:52:00 EST

Filed under: Minnesota, Washington, DC, Twins, Nationals, The Dugout, TV and Movies

Major League Baseball has made intelligent, progressive decisions in the past (night games, racial integration, not ever letting Pete Rose do anything ever). The decisions to name Gatorade the official sports drink of Major League Baseball and to allow no player in the dugout (or The Dugout) to be seen drinking anything BUT Gatorade are perhaps baseball's greatest. Sugar water that tastes like Kool-Aid if you put too much water in it is sure to enhance the natural performance of a guy like Da Meat Hook.

What's next? Today's Dugout looks into the not-so-distant future to see where baseball refreshment is headed. Spoiler alert: It is headed to somewhere where they'd let Dmitri and Delmon Young be in commercials for children. After the jump, a commercial full of stars using words full of stars!

The Dugout

	Online Host Yo! Gabba Gabba will be right back after these messages.
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ay lil brah what we got ta drank
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: dont know fat man how bout you get off ya fat ass an look yaself
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: lil bitch, jes tell me whats in the fridgerator
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: o.j., purple stuff, sunny d
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: damn son why we got o.j. an sunny d thats like the exac same thing
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: what is the purple stuff
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: purplesaurus rex
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dat purple stuff
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: out a purple stuff
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yep i can taste dat purple stuff right bough now
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: i drank it all up n***a are you deaf
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: you playin righ
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: i wonder what nick johnson drink maybe you should drink what nick the nick drink
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: he drink the official drink a the mlb fool
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: water
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: nope
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: gayta raid
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: sorry try again
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: no idea tell me
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /pulls out 3 liter bottle who loves oran soda
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: oooh !!!!!!! del loves oran soda !!!
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: is it true
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: mmmhm i do i do i do i do-ooo
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: out a oran soda
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: n***a im a kill you
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: all you gettin is a rear admiral an a case a shuts up
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: /draws bat
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /draws pistol
	Online Host Orange Soda - The Official Drink of Major League Baseball! "Drink It, Walk Two Steps, Get Tired!"[TM] Online Host Now back to Yo! Gabba Gabba on Nick Jr.
	BruiserBrobee: I tried it... AND NOW I LIKE IT~!
	NickStickly: MY NAME IS NIIIIICK /boogies I LIKE TO DAAAAAANCE

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The Dugout: Yee! Gabba Gabba originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:52:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: Korea Feldman

B. Thompson Stroud — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:48:00 EST

Filed under: The Dugout, TV and Movies

Hahaha, nice package, Jose.

When Jim Thome finally retires, The Dugout (if we're still doing it by then, hopefully getting paid 20 grand a Dugout by Time Magazine) will surely give him an emotionally poignant farewell. When Kyle Farnsworth is sent down to the minors in a couple of years for being bad at baseball we will follow him down and eventually to his grave, but he will get what he deserves from us for being so damned entertaining.

It's those secondary characters that worry me. Like, what am I supposed to do when Brandon Duckworth retires? I got my first taste of that this week when Jose Lima was unceremoniously dropped by the Kia Tigers after winning no games, giving up 280 home runs, and accidentally flooding entire sections of South Korea by goofing off when he was supposed to be watching the damn.

How do you celebrate the loss of a legend? By throwing him into a movie about Korea, because honestly, does he deserve more? Jose Lima says goodbye (and probably "bap") after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the final minutes of the 2008 Korean World Series Chatroom!
	OneFineDae: /hobbles over
	Online Host Wait a minute, what is this? Dae Han is making a gesture toward the losing team!
	OneFineDae: /begins to cry
	LimaBeans: /repeatedly mutters "bap" under breath
	OneFineDae: to... save a life ... in defeat... is to earn honor and... victory within....
	OneFineDae: your brother too was... a great pitcher...
	LimaBeans: /drops ice cream cone
	OneFineDae: and I offer... myseof.... as your .. .brother...
	Online Host Hooray!
	LimaBeans: ES LIMA TIME EN KOREA BABY AY A HOOOOOOO
	OneFineDae: /places World Series gold medal around Lima's neck
	LimaBeans: /attempts to hug Dae Han /misses by several feet
	LimaBeans: /hands gold medal to son in crowd /drops medal through grating in floor /collapses off the side of the platform
	OneFineDae: uh
	LimaBeans: /stumbles into torch, sets self on fire
	OneFineDae: /raises eyepatch
	LimaBeans: BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP AAAAAH /spirals, faceplants
	LimaBeans: uarghh /shakes head coach help me give me good advice for a being the pitcher
	CoachCouzo: I'll say this... ONLY ONCE~!
	CoachCouzo: a TEEEEEAM.... is not a TEEEEAM.... if we keep paying you to play baseball professionally. Please leave Korea and, if possible, the Earth immediately and for the duration of ever.
	LimaBeans: but bap bap bap
	CoachCouzo: Today will be a day long remembered. It has seen the death of Lima,, and will soon see the end of the Rebellion.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

The Dugout: Korea Feldman originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:48:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: E5! News Daily

B. Thompson Stroud — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:34:00 EST

Filed under: MLB Rumors, The Dugout, PEDs, TV and Movies

Hey website, thanks a lot for making me watch a video where Jessica Canseco describes her ex-husband's genitalia in great detail. Maybe next you could do a feature about those creeps that use dogs as shark bait and interview the kid who punched me on the bus when I was in 5th grade.

Regardless, this affords me the opportunity to bring Ryan Seacrest and his awesome screen name into Dugout G2 continuity. Oddly enough, Seacrest has appeared in both the old Dugout and our iVoice feature for the Village Voice. If Eli Manning had dated Amy Winehouse or sang incompetently we could've worked Ryno into Football Guys.

The first official Dugout of the 2008 baseball season is coming at you after the jump. It may or may not actually have anything to do with baseball whatsoever.

The Dugout

	SeacrestDSV: Thanks, Juliana, I always wondered what Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz thought about Darfur. Who knew they'd be "against it!"
	SeacrestDSV: Up next on E! News, Jessica Canseco, former wife of steroid slugger and two-time author Jose Canseco and former twin-sister-in-law of schoolyard legend Ozzie Canseco, comes clean about "Juiced," "Juicy," "Vindicated," and all sorts of terrible books about jerks.
	SeacrestDSV: Jessica, first things first, give me the classiest soundbite you can. Okaaaay, go!
	Jessicanseco: I put needles in my ex-husband's asshole five times a day and it turned his balls into shrinky dinks! LOL I shouldn't be talking about this! /writes "balls into shrinky dinks" on notepad
	SeacrestDSV: That is so awesome. Tell us more about Jose Canseco's balls.
	Jessicanseco: They were so small you would not believe how small they were! One was completely gone and the other just kinda hung there LOL I felt BAD for him!
	Jessicanseco: Should I be on national television talking about this? Oh me, I'm so out there!
	SeacrestDSV: we've got some e-mail comments coming in from tired comedians around the country, this one is from Michael Ian Black of Chicago, Illinois. Michael writes, "I can't hear enough about Jose Canseco's balls! I would like to hear about them, all day!"
	SeacrestDSV: at the end he has "read this sarcastically with no expression on your face" in parenthesis
	SeacrestDSV: Loni Love of Los Angeles writes in, "Jose Canseco's balls? I bet we ain't talkin' bout baseball! Mm-hm!"
	Jessicanseco: We sure aren't, Loni (can you believe me?)!
	SeacrestDSV: Mo Rocca of Washington writes... /makes face at monitor ugh, I'm not reading that
	SeacrestDSV: What's that? We have a caller? We don't take calls on this show. We... all right. Uraw? from New York, you have a question for Jessica Canseco?
	Caller: HELLO??
	SeacrestDSV: Yes, you're on with Jessica Canseco.
	Caller: IS THIS EE NOOSE
	SeacrestDSV: Yes, go ahead.
	Caller: YA I GOT A QUESTION FOR THE SHE MAIL MUSGULAR TYPE
	Jessicanseco: Yes, what's your question!
	Caller: BOY, JOO ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE HANGINGK OUT WITH OSAY CANSEGO, JOO NEED TO DROP THE ZAYRO AND GET WIT THE A-ROE
	Caller: aRAH CAN TREAT JOO TO THE FIE-NESS HOTEL ROOMS IN TORONTO
	Jessicanseco: Aw, how romantic!
	Caller: I SWURR BY THE MOON AN THE STARS AN THIS GUY
	Jessicanseco: I only have two questions: 1. How much money do you make? 2. How misshapen are your genitals? Those are the two things I look for most in a relationship.
	Caller: WAY WAY TOO MUCH
	Jessicanseco: Is that your answer for #1 or #2?
	Caller: LOL
	SeacrestDSV: /SHOOTS TELEPHONE OPERATOR DEAD
	SeacrestDSV: Okay, enough of that! Jessica, do you have anything you'd like to say before we take another call?
	Jessicanseco: snigger snigger
	SeacrestDSV: I can barely believe you exist. Danny, from Gay Cruise California, do you have any comments about the use of steroids in sports?
	Caller: some people arent LIKIN IT

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Dugout: E5! News Daily originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:34:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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When Billy Met Joba: Crystal to Suit Up for Yankees on Thursday

Josh Alper — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:45:00 EST

Filed under: New York, Yankees, AL East, TV and Movies

It's not a big secret that Billy Crystal is a Yankee fan. He directed 61* and City Slickers features a long speech devoted to the majestic moment when you walk into Yankee Stadium for the first time. The team has decided to pay him back for that longtime support during their game with the Pittsburgh Pirates on Thursday, one day before his 60th birthday.

He'll be throwing out the first pitch? Singing the National Anthem? Doing five minutes of his Muhammed Ali impersonation? No, no and no. Crystal will sign a one-day minor league contract, wear #60 and be eligible to play in the game.

"I've been waiting 50 years for this call," Crystal said. "I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this'll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I'm looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone."

What purpose this serves is beyond me. It does remind the Pirates that absolutely nobody in baseball takes them seriously, I guess. Crystal turning 60, is about four and a half feet tall and not exactly known for his athletic abilities, but, hey, it's only the Pirates.

I'm not really sure I get the Yankees these days. Running over a catcher blocking the plate during a game is poor sportsmanship but letting the guy from Forget Paris play is kosher? Which really damages the integrity of baseball more?

When Billy Met Joba: Crystal to Suit Up for Yankees on Thursday originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:45:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: O Phillies

B. Thompson Stroud — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 03:00:00 EST

Filed under: Philadelphia, Phillies, The Dugout, MLB Biz, TV and Movies

This week, Major League Baseball decided to step up background checks for umpires. The union representing the umpires, the World Umpire Association (famous for such great matches as Kerry Von Erich vs. Umpires), has complied with the checks. But then!

The Biz of Baseball reported that the WUA issued a press release concerning questions being asked during the league's investigations. Among the standard questions to the neighbors (what do you think of barry bonds, how many years of prison should barry bonds get, et al.) was this: do you know if the umpire is a member of the Ku Klux Klan?

hahaha whaaaat

The Dugout asks the serious questions about the Neo Nazi skinheads at Citizens Bank Park, after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Backwoods Ku Klux Klan Rally Chatroom!
	Klansmen: /march in place chant chant chant chant chant
	Online Host As the chanting continues, two Klansmen lead a black man, whom they grasp by either arm, up the aisle toward the gibbet.
	Flash_Aaaaah: I ain't never harmed any you gentlemen!
	ColeHamLuke: It's Tommy! They got Tommy!
	DurbanCowboy: Oh my God!
	Flash_Aaaaah: I ain't never harmed nobody!
	DurbanChampion: /stares at makeshift gibbet The noose! Sweet Jesus! We gotta save 'im!
	ColeHamLuke: /hisses, points The Phillie guard!
	Online Host In front of the crowd, the Imperial Umpire raises one Tools of Ignorance laced arm and the chanting stops.
	ImperialUmpire: Brothers! We are foregathered here to preserve our hallowed culture'n heritage! From intrusions, inclusions and dilutions! Of culluh! Of creed! Of our ol'-time religion!
	ColeHamLuke: /adjusts appropriated robes
	ImperialUmpire: We aim to pull evil up by the root! Before it chokes out the flower of our culture'n heritage! And our women! Let's not forget those ladies, y'all, lookin' to us for p'tection!
	ImperialUmpire: From darkies! From Jews! From the Pittsburgh Pirates! And from all those smart-ass folk say we come descended from the monkeys! That's not my culture'n heritage!
	Klansmen: /roar
	ImperialUmpire: Izzat your culture'n heritage?
	Klansmen: NO!!!
	ImperialUmpire: And so... we gonna hang us a Phillie!
	Klansmen: /huge roar chant chant chant chant chant
	Online Host The color guard hustles up the aisle to draw up behind the two men leading Tommy to the gibbet.
	ColeHamLuke: Hey Tommy, it's us! Hey Tommy!
	Flash_Aaaaah: /looks back over shoulder ...huh?
	ColeHamLuke: It's us! We come to rescue ya!
	Flash_Aaaaah: That's mighty kind of ya boys, but I don't think nothin's gonna save me now - the devil's come to collect his due!
	DurbanChampion: Tommy, you don't wanna get hanged!
	Flash_Aaaaah: Naw I don't guess I do, but that's the way it seems to be workin' out.
	ColeHamLuke: Listen to me, Tommy, I got a plan-
	BigDanIassogna: /pulls off Cole Hamels' hood
	Klansmen: gasp
	BigDanIassogna: /pulls off Chad Durbin's and J.D. Durbin's hoods
	Klansmen: GASP
	Klansmen: The Phillie guard is Phillies!
	BigDanIassogna: RARRRGGHH
	Klansmen: ROARRR
	ColeHamLuke: Run, boys!

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Dugout: O Phillies originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Sat, 02 Feb 2008 03:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Joe Torre Declines Fox, Accepts Letterman

Matt Watson — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:55:00 EST

Filed under: New York, Yankees, AL East, MLB Media Watch, MLB Video, TV and Movies

It didn't take Joe Torre long for the job offers to come piling in: according to Newsday, Fox tried to get the former Yankees manager to join Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the booth for the World Series. He declined the offer, which is unfortunate -- having Torre around would have likely made the announcing crew enjoyable instead of simply bearable. For what it's worth, the network is expected to ramp up their efforts to sign him to join their booth in 2008, assuming he's not already in a dugout somewhere.

Just because Torre turned down Fox, though, doesn't mean you won't be seeing him sometime soon on the television. Newsday sports media reporter Neil Best reports on his blog that Torre will appear on the Late Show with David Letterman on October 29th, presumably to address those nasty rosin bag rumors Letterman started spreading last week.
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Joe Torre Declines Fox, Accepts Letterman originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:55:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Dugout: Dane Cook Explores All Playoff Possibilities

Jon Bois — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:34:00 EST

Filed under: MLB Playoffs, The Dugout, TV and Movies

Apologies to whoever tipped me off to how funny it is that Dane Cook says "Indians?!?" with such incredulous inflection in the "There's Only One October" commercials, because I can't remember for the life of me who you are. Oh, well. Consider yourself thanked regardless.

I'm not at all a fan of Cook, but I think he was probably an appropriate choice. If any of my favorite stand-up comics did these, we'd be left with David Cross telling everyone how stupid baseball is or Jim Gaffigan staring at the camera and eating a muffin. Yep, better go with the guy who's all "WHOA WHOA AWESOME WHOA" and whose shtick is 50% comprised of an impression of a guy falling down a staircase.

Today's Dugout, after the jump, provides a "behind the scenes" (industry term) look at the making of these commercials we've grown to be apathetic about.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to TBS Studios Chat!
	Director: "There's Only One October" commercial footage, places ready! Mr. Cook, in this take I'm going to have you list off all the potential playoff teams. The thing is, it's only July, so I'm going to go ahead and have you rattle them all off. Just read off the teleprompter.
	CookDanePhonics: you got it YANKEES! RED SAWKS! ANGELS! CUBS. DIAMONDBACKS? PHILLIES?? ROCKIES? *INDIANS?!?!?!?!?*
	CookDanePhonics: indians, what the hell can't i just say "yankees" eight times
	Director: I'm afraid not. We need to make sure every possible event is covered.
	CookDanePhonics: fine WHITE SAWKS! TIGERS! TWINS! MARINERS! BRAVES! METS! CARDINALS! ... bluejaysoriolesdevilraysathletics rangersmarlinsnationalsbrewersreds astrospiratesgiantsdodgerspadres
	Director: I only counted 29 teams there. Come on, out with it.
	CookDanePhonics: /sigh royals
	CookDanePhonics: that's stupid, there's no way that clip ever sees the light of day. all right let's wrap this up
	Director: /hands 200-page script Not so fast. Read these off, one at a time. Again, we must cover ever possible contingency.
	OnlineHost Hours later...
	CookDanePhonics: DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL! THE HAUNTING SPECTRE OF DEATH! THE GAME OF BASEBALL ITSELF! THE LORD GOD! IRONY! THE NUMBERS 17 THRU 685! MY MORNING JACKET! DANE COOK!!!
	CookDanePhonics: whew all right that's all the names
	Director: Good. And now, you can wrap it up.
	CookDanePhonics: THERE'S ONLY ONE oc-TOWWWBER
	Director: ...ahem...
	CookDanePhonics: THERE ARE TWO OR MORE oc-TOWWBERS
	Director: thank you

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Dugout: Dane Cook Explores All Playoff Possibilities originally appeared on MLB FanHouse on Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:34:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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